Water Jokes

What are some Water jokes?

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked what companies?

Gas, water and electricity.

You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,

If it floats it's boy ant.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...

Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."

I know he means well...

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...

"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"

Wife: "In the pool."

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

How can you tell an ant's gender?

1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?

A religious movement.

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, "Well, you have now."

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."

The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.

Why are there so many rivers in France?

Water takes the path of least resistance

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.

I said back, "That's a bluff".

Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed.

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

You can lead a horse to water,

but in Flint the water will be lead.

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke.

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

Know why vodka is so clear?

Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

How to make Water jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Water to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Water? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Water pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes