The Best 85 Water Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Water jokes. There are some water noice jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these water water hose puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Water Jokes and Puns
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
My boss asked what companies?
Gas, water and electricity.
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,
If it floats it's boy ant.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well...
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
Cocaine is never a solution...
Unless it's dissolved in water.
A man goes up to his wife...
He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.
She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"
He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."
Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...
"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
RIP boiling water
You will be mist.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
You can explore water thirsty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean water bottled water dad jokes. There are also water puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Yo momma is so fat ...
She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?
Pb & J.
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
A joke my 4 year old came up with today...
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.
How can you tell an ant's gender?
1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...
This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...
... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."
My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"
I know he means well...
If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.
It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Jesus may have walked on water...
But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries
This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...
...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
Why does France have so many rivers?
Water follows the path of least resistance.
An underage weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.
Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
Trouble with the car
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?
Drown them.
My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it's just water under the fridge.
TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water
Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.
My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."
I know he means well...
I had a tough conversation with my parents
Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...
Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water
so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.
A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.
The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud β French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a tampon out back and want to make tea
Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...
So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars
Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."
I know he means well.
The best beginner pet is a Hamster.
They live for 5 days and don't require any food or water.
During my interview todayβ¦
I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.
Nervous? asked the interviewer.
I simply replied No, I just always give 110%
President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.
Solid, liquid and gas.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke
A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."
The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."
The Earth's surface is 70% water.
That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.
I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.
How do you jump higher on a water bed?
You fill it with spring water.
A man walks into a bar and says I'm here to drink my troubles away!
Well you've come to the right place. says the bartender, What'll it be?
The man replies One water please
Just a water??
Yeah, I have kidney stones.
My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.
I know she means well.
My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water."
I know he means well.
Today I learned boiling water was really smart.
It has like, 100 degrees.
science fact - did you know you can find the gender of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant.
What's the opposite of Holy Water?
Nestle
I asked my boss for a raise.
He said what for?
I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?
I said: Gas, Water, and Electric.
Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.
Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same timeβ¦
I was shocked
I once had a job drilling holes for water.
It was well boring.
What do you call a baseball player that holds water?
A pitcher.
A man bought himself an expensive new car
He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.
First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.
Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.
Then finally, the rabbi sang a song & cut off the end of the tailpipe.
Yesterday I opened my electricity bill and water bill at the same time β¦.
I was shocked
A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water
He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.
"Hey, monkey"
"Hey, lion"
"What in the world are you doing?"
"Ten bucks and I will explain"
The lion pays her.
"Thanks. I'm dipping a banana peel in the water"
"Wtf, monkey? You're the biggest idiot I've ever seen!"
"Sure, I'm an idiot, but I'm making $40 an hour."
What do you call friendly frozen water?
a nice cube
Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."
A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.
She's still looking for a lake with a hill.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the water water cycle puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working water smart water piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
