Watching Football Jokes

Following is our collection of touchdowns humor and lakers one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Watching Football puns for adults, dirty watch jokes or clean footballs gags for kids.

There is an abundance of television jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 36 funniest jokes on watching football. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any nfl witze you can hear about watching football.

The Best jokes about Watching Football

Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.

Adam - I'm lonely.

God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing sex, will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?

Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?

God - An arm and a leg!

Adam - What can I get for a rib?

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

I was watching the Super Bowl with some friends...

and my fiancee's friend, who isn't very keen on sports, is commenting on the shoe polish streaks under their eyes.

She says "I just don't get it, what do those black things even do?"

I reply, "Well, play football, mostly."

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

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I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.


[NSFW] "What was your first time like?"

Three friends are chilling in a bar, drinking and talking. One of them asks "What was your first time like?"

The first guy says "My first time was like riding a roller coaster. It started slow, then got really intense and fun, but it ended too quickly."

The second guy says "My first time was like watching a football game. I was having a blast, but she was so bored she was on her phone the entire time."

They both turn to look at the last guy, who sits quietly, thinking, until he finally speaks. "My first time was like learning to ride a bicycle, with my dad holding my shoulders."

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want to stop there so he asked another student.
Student 3 said " I go the church, do my homework and then help some people"

Teacher felt really happy and appreciative of the student asking for his name.

Student 3 " I am Frank the weed guy"

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

Slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices on of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.

"What happened to your ears?" he asks.

"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a phone call from her on Sunday. I was watching the football game and my wife was ironing some laundry behind me. The phone rang, so I reached back to answer it, but when I put the phone to my ear I realized I had grabbed the iron by mistake!"

"Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"

"Well, wouldn't you know it, she called back."

An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.

His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him sex whenever he wants it."

The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"

After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"


Joe went over to his buddy Bob's house to hang-out and watch football ...

As they were sitting in the living room, Bob's dog walked into the room, laid down on the floor, and began to lick its nuts. Joe looked down at the dog and said "Man, I wish I could do that." To which Bob replied, "Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first."

Football gave me traumatic brain injury

And I was only watching.

2 Poles are watching a Football game...

There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:

-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score

-You are on - Replies the second one.

The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:

-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.

-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.

The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."

The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."

The Russian takes a long swig of vodka, blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."

The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"

"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it's very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

As I was watching some commercials tonight....

A football game came on.


Watching the NCAA Football Championship Game with Dad

Me: "Who's the favorite?"
Dad: "Your brother."

Why don't grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket!

[NSFW] Their Honeymoon

So,

There is a man and his wife on their honeymoon and he slips a shoebox under the bed before they 'get down to business'.
'Now honey,' The husband says, 'Whatever you do, don't open that box. You must not, under any circumstances, open that box'

The wife thinks this is a strange request, but ignores it and they start enjoying themselves.

21 years on, and her curiosity gets the better of her. So she goes up to their room and finds the shoe box still under the bed. She opens it and finds three beer cans and a wad of money.

She takes the box down to her husband who is watching football and puts it on the coffee table,
"Honey, whats with the box?" She asks him. He sighs,
"Well, since you've waited this long, i'll tell you. Each beer can represents every time I've cheated."
"Ok...3 times in 21 years...I can live with that. But why all the money?"
"Well, thats for every time the box filled up."

Two wind turbines are stood in a field.

One wind turbine turns to the other. "Have you been watching the football recently?" asks the turbine.

"No," says the other. "I'm not really a big fan."

Three pollocks are discussing the meaning of Easter

The first pollock says, "Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football.

"No you moron," said the second pollock. "That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree."

"Don't be stupid," said the third pollock. "You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter."

"I was going to watch a German football team play today, but I couldn't leave the house because I don't know where I left the key."

"Bayern?"

"No, I checked the mantelpiece."

Do you like getting inebriated with yo' bruv's and watching groups of men in tights prancing around and occasionally slapping each others arses?

No, you say. Then why do you like American football?

Watching this election has been like watching my fantasy football team on sundays...

Always projected number 1 in points
( owning bell, brown, rodgers) , and always losing games

I was watching a movie where the acting was so bad

that it turned into a football (soccer to us yanks) game.

My apologies to Rodney Dangerfield.

The Grecian Gods vs the Greeks

Zeus and his human friend Spiro were watching a game of football, the gods versus the humans. Spiro looked around the pitch at all the players and then saw an absolute unit of a player, a half horse, half human professional. Spiro asked Zeus, Hey, who's that player over there? Zeus responded, That's our teams centaur-forward .

Where do people in Ghana go to watch football?

The Ghanarena

An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.

My wife bought me a second hand watch for my birthday...

Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds.

I don't watch the Croatian Football games..

I don't know..it just feels very itchy.

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game.

Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because I watch too much football

So I asked her if she was going to leave on loan or full transfer

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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