Watch Jokes
181 watch jokes and hilarious watch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about watch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Watch Jokes, the ultimate collection of humorous jokes about some of the most timeless and stylish watches like the Apple Watch, Neighborhood Watch and Smart Watch. Read bad jokes about watches like Rolex Watches and observe a channel of timeless humor.
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Funniest Watch Short Jokes
Short watch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The watch humour may include short observe jokes also.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- My son asked me, Dad, can we watch spider Man—Far from Home tonight? I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
- A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
- Shame about the tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should've watched the trailer.
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Watch One Liners
Which watch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with watch? I can suggest the ones about monitor and peek.
- Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies? Orphans.
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
- If you watch an Apple store get robbed, Does that make you an iWitness?
- What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI
- In Russia you watch tv In America tv watches you.
- What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl? The Detroit Lions.
- Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
- I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in? 1996.
- My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
- What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
- Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24 hours and got tired, So they called it a day
- I watched a documentary on how airplanes are held together It was riveting
My Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny my watch jokes and even better my watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
- I just watched a movie about a y=x graph The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat
Good special f(x) though - Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards? — I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.
- My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
- Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about... It's been sending everyone to the ICU.
- Yo mama is so fat that… She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
- I really wanted to watch the International Origami Championships tonight. Sadly, it's only on paper view.
- Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
- Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle? [YES]
[NO]
[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]
[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?]
Watch Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny watch day jokes and even better watch day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The other day I joined all my watches together to make a belt... ...but then I realised it was a waist of time.
- Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry.
- Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day Got up too fast after watching the third film
- In ancient times, people watched the earth spin for 24 hours. They got bored though, so they called it a day
- I was tired of watching the moon rotate for 24 hours So I decided to call it a day
- Me to My Neighbour we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
- While watching Hangover 2 the other day, I say to my friend, "I wonder where they're going in the third one?" "Straight to DVD."
- I got bored watching the Earth turn So after 24 hours, I called it a day.
- So I was watching Fox News the other day
- For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Rolex Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny rolex watch jokes and even better rolex watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My neighbor has two German Shepards that he has named "Rolex" and "Timex".... They're watch dogs
- My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex They're his watch dogs
- My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
- I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
- I bought two Rottweilers and named them Rolex and Omega They're watch dogs...
- I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door. Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
- My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday. I guess they didn't realize what I meant when I said I wanna watch .
- A lesbian couple got their elderly neighbor a Rolex for his birthday... Upon opening it the man said, This is really nice, but I think you ladies misunderstood when I told you I wanna watch
- I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.
- My lesbian next door neighbors just gave me a Rolex for my birthday I really like it but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch .
Bad Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad watch jokes and even better bad watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.
- What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..? Kill Bill.
- While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the Cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized, That's probably why they're still in Cuba.
- I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now. I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.
- I had to go to the hospital without insurance. It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
- My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?) Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
- The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out. Unfortunately, the flight attendant told me that she can't open the doors mid-flight.
- A guy watches as his girlfriend struggles to park. he says to her "I think you should get tested." "why" she says I'm no that bad of a driver am i?" "No, I have chlamydia" he replies
- I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text But I felt even worse watching her read it.
In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister's wedding service? - I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over... I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.
Apple Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny apple watch jokes and even better apple watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them. I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial
- There's iPod, iMac, iPhone... and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.
- How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch? Don't worry, they will tell you.
- An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!
- I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour. Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
- China banned their soldiers from using the Apple watch due to security concerns One soldier submitted a formal complaint. "My daughter made this for me!"
- I just watched an Apple store get robbed... The police have called me as a iWitness
- For her birthday, i took my girlfriend to an orchard we stood there looking at the trees for about an hour. Not the apple watch she wanted apparently...
- Why did Jon Snow go to The Apple Store? For the Watch.
- Why did Jon snow wait outside he Apple Store for 3 days? For the watch
Comedy Watch Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about watch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean movie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make watch pranks.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his p**... back in his pocket.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?
The restraining order
If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.
That is all.
During a f**......
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Just watched a pirated movie
On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14
I lost my watch at a party once..
I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was s**... harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
I don't watch soccer...
If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.
Canine Names
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...
I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch
Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?
One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
A banker, a worker and an immigrant
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
Jesus take the wheel
Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.
I was at a party...
I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was s**... assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to s**... assault a girl...not on my watch.
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
Watching a s**... scene with my parents is so awkward.
My mom is such a bad actress.
My favourite s**... position is the JFK
I splatter all over her face and watch her struggle to get out of the car!
I lost my watch at a party.
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
Normally I hate those t**..., fake, rigged reality TV shows...
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having s**....
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
I have just watched a documentary on m**....
I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.
I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.
I went to a party last night...
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
A man was selling his TV
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"
Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"
I saw a sign that said "watch for children".
and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.
I regretted it literally one minute later.
Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.
You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.
A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool...
when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating
Why do Canadians always do it d**...?
So they can both watch the hockey game.
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
Girl, are you Norton Antivirus?
Because when you're running, I can't seem to do anything but watch.
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.
She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."
I lost my watch
I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while s**... harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
In my community we have a neighborhood watch,
It's actually more like a clock tower.
A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie
Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?
Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once
Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes
I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
Don't let your kids watch symphonies on TV
There's too much sax and violins.
An airplane yells at his rebellious son...
.. "Watch that altitude, young man"
Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"
Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar
To watch the Super Bowl
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
I'm so hungry I could e**... watch.
But that would be time consuming
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety
and they said: "what's school safety?"
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
Awwww
If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
I just watched Wonder Woman 1984 and I had zero idea what was going on.
Guess I shouldn't have skipped the other 1,983 movies.
I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."