The Best 92 Watch Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Watch jokes. There are some watch television jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these watch movies puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Watch Jokes and Puns

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

jokes about watch

What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over?

Watch the second half.


What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.

That is all.

Watch joke, If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Just watched a pirated movie

On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

You can explore watch observe reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean watch watchmaker dad jokes. There are also watch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I lost my watch at a party once..

I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch.

I just watched a movie about a y=x graph

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat

Good special f(x) though

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Watch joke, I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.


Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...

... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

Jesus take the wheel

Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl...not on my watch.

Watch joke, I was at a party...

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her face and watch her struggle to get out of the car!


If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."


I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

I went to a party last night...

..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.

I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.

Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'

'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'

'yup'

'Wow, can't turn that down.'

Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"

Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool...

when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Girl, are you Norton Antivirus?

Because when you're running, I can't seem to do anything but watch.

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

I lost my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie

She asked, "What would you like to see?"

I said, "You pick".

She said, "You pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes

I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.

I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

I just watched Wonder Woman 1984 and I had zero idea what was going on.

Guess I shouldn't have skipped the other 1,983 movies.

I lost my watch at a party

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse.

Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

Just watched an interesting documentary on cocaine...

Going to watch all documentaries this way now!

I just watched a great documentary on Cocaine.

I think I'm going to watch all my documentaries this way now.

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."

The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."

The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.

Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"

The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."

The woman leaves. The man follows.

The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"

The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."

Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about...

It's been sending everyone to the ICU.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

I really wanted to watch the International Origami Championships tonight.

Sadly, it's only on paper view.

My neighbor has two German Shepards that he has named "Rolex" and "Timex"....

They're watch dogs

I watched a documentary on how airplanes are held together

It was riveting

My son asked me, Dad, can we watch Spider Manβ€”Far from Home tonight?

I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

A proctologist loses his watch:

A proctologist loses his watch, but can't figure out which patient he lost it in. His head nurse tells him to call his recent patients in for a re-examination.

After the 4th patient shows up, the nurse turns to the doctor and says "it's him. He's got your watch."

The proctologist says "how can you tell?"

The nurse says "easy. It's the first time his ass is early."

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog eat my watch.

It was time consuming.

I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse.

It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.

Not on my watch.

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the watch stupid watch jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working watch jesus is watching you piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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