Watch Jokes
180 watch jokes and hilarious watch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about watch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Watch Jokes, the ultimate collection of humorous jokes about some of the most timeless and stylish watches like the Apple Watch, Neighborhood Watch and Smart Watch. Read bad jokes about watches like Rolex Watches and observe a channel of timeless humor.
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Funniest Watch Short Jokes
Short watch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The watch humour may include short observe jokes also.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- My son asked me, Dad, can we watch spider Man—Far from Home tonight? I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
- A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
- Shame about the tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should've watched the trailer.
- I just watched a movie about a y=x graph The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat
Good special f(x) though
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Watch One Liners
Which watch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with watch? I can suggest the ones about monitor and movie.
- Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies? Orphans.
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
- In Russia you watch tv In America tv watches you.
- What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl? The Detroit Lions.
- Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
- I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in? 1996.
- My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
- What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
- Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24 hours and got tired, So they called it a day
- I watched a documentary on how airplanes are held together It was riveting
- What do men and women have in common? Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
- In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.
My Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny my watch jokes and even better my watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards? — I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.
- My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
- Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about... It's been sending everyone to the ICU.
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
- I really wanted to watch the International Origami Championships tonight. Sadly, it's only on paper view.
- Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
- Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle? [YES]
[NO]
[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]
[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?] - I saw a sign that said "watch for children". and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
- Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
- Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
Watch Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny watch day jokes and even better watch day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry.
- Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day Got up too fast after watching the third film
- In ancient times, people watched the earth spin for 24 hours. They got bored though, so they called it a day
- I was tired of watching the moon rotate for 24 hours So I decided to call it a day
- While watching Hangover 2 the other day, I say to my friend, "I wonder where they're going in the third one?" "Straight to DVD."
- So I was watching Fox News the other day
- I joined the neighborhood watch program last night... There's 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.
- Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it. Not on my watch.
- I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie. They keep pressing paws.
- I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience.
Rolex Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny rolex watch jokes and even better rolex watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
- A lesbian couple got their elderly neighbor a Rolex for his birthday... Upon opening it the man said, This is really nice, but I think you ladies misunderstood when I told you I wanna watch
- I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.
- My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for Christmas I don't think they understood when I said 'I wanna watch'
- My neighbor named his dog "Rolex"... He's a watch dog.
- This new Rolex that the lesbian couple next door got me for Christmas is nice and all... ...but I don't think they understood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".
- What do you call a guy who puts a mushroom on his Rolex? I don't know, but he is a Fun guy to watch man.
- Why does John Snow wear a Rolex ? Because he's a man of the nice watch
- Why did the lesbian couple buy their neighbor a Rolex? Because he told them: "I wanna watch."
- One cop walked into a bar...and a bee sat on his recently bought Rolex What did the man say?
Not on my watch
Bad Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad watch jokes and even better bad watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.
- What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..? Kill Bill.
- I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now. I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.
- I had to go to the hospital without insurance. It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
- My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?) Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
- The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out. Unfortunately, the flight attendant told me that she can't open the doors mid-flight.
- A guy watches as his girlfriend struggles to park. he says to her "I think you should get tested." "why" she says I'm no that bad of a driver am i?" "No, I have chlamydia" he replies
- I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text But I felt even worse watching her read it.
In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister's wedding service? - I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over... I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.
- 'Weeds' is a gateway show... ...watching it can lead to binging on more serious programs like 'Breaking Bad'.
Apple Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny apple watch jokes and even better apple watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them. I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial
- There's iPod, iMac, iPhone... and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.
- How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch? Don't worry, they will tell you.
- An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!
- I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour. Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
- Why did Jon snow wait outside he Apple Store for 3 days? For the watch
- I asked my Apple Watch "what's the time?" It said "an 80s funk band."
- I heard that Bruno Mars helped design the Apple Watch Dont believe me? Just watch
- Apple Watch now comes with a new app... It estimates how long you will have to wait in line for the Apple Watch 2.0.
- Technology.( Based on true events) My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.
Comedy Watch Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about watch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean video jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make watch pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
What's better than watching a woman wrestle?
Seeing her box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?
The restraining order
If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.
That is all.
Just watched a pirated movie
On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14
If you missed the ball drop last night....
Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.
The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have s**...?
> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.
They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.
On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
I don't watch soccer...
If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.
Canine Names
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
A banker, a worker and an immigrant
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.
We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Watching a s**... scene with my parents is so awkward.
My mom is such a bad actress.
TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.
Only twice though...
Crossing the Border
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
I lost my watch at a party.
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Normally I hate those t**..., fake, rigged reality TV shows...
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having s**....
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
I went to a party last night...
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"
Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.
I regretted it literally one minute later.
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
"Hey Ryu can I watch your next fight?"
SHORYUKEN!!
Girl, are you Norton Antivirus?
Because when you're running, I can't seem to do anything but watch.
Why don't you ever buy a woman a watch?
Because there's a clock on the stove.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.
She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."
How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?
You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
Don't let your kids watch symphonies on TV
There's too much sax and violins.
An airplane yells at his rebellious son...
.. "Watch that altitude, young man"
A man walks into a bar, and sees King Kong having a drink...
Now, the man loves all of Kong's films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, "wow! King Kong! I'm such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo? "
King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch.
He turns to the man and says "sorry, I've a plane to catch".
I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college
My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...
No 1-1
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"
Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar
To watch the Super Bowl
I was watching Star Wars with my son and he asked me why Luke had climbed into a Tauntaun. I replied, because it was warm.
He turned to me and asked, how warm?
I looked at him excitedly and said, Luke warm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.
I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...
"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took my wife to the beach today and now she's mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.
After all, I could've sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo c**... con.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...
Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...
I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety
and they said: "what's school safety?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
I'm binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won't let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.
Those are only available on Amazon Prime.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Awwww
If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
I just watched Wonder Woman 1984 and I had zero idea what was going on.
Guess I shouldn't have skipped the other 1,983 movies.
I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
