Wasting Time Jokes
117 wasting time jokes and hilarious wasting time puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wasting time that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wasting Time Short Jokes
Short wasting time jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wasting time humour may include short time waste jokes also.
- Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
- Love Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time. - If you're an astronaut.. and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time
- "How'd the session go with your new therapist?" "It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."
- Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time. But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.
- I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!! Only half the people turned up.
- Finally made it to the court of the Crimson king Waste of time. All I did was talk to the wind
- What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user?? Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)
- If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet? Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?
- I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions... The time machine alone set me back 15 years.
Share These Wasting Time Jokes With Friends
Wasting Time One Liners
Which wasting time one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wasting time? I can suggest the ones about waste and procrastinating.
- Saw a clock in the garbage the other day! Can't believe people are wasting time!
- What do you get when you pour red bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.
- I wasted my time on a vasectomy. All it does is change the color of the baby.
- What's a communists favorite way to waste time? Stalin.
- What do you call a sea creature that doesn't waste time? A-fish-in-sea
- Future is shaped by your dreams. So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.
- My friend threw his watch in the trash. "Stop!" I told him, "You're wasting time!"
- What's the best response when someone wastes your time? Answers below please.
- What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time? Stall
- People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer Never seen them since
- I challenge you to waste time. Done.
- Hmmm... If I throw a watch in the garbage.... Is that considered a waste of time..?
- What do you hunt to waste your time? Wild goose
- Just finished throwing away all the clocks in my house What a waste of time
- I like to waste time in the bathroom, but my boss is catching on. He thinks I'm stalling.
Wasting Time Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about wasting time you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spare time jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wasting time pranks.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sorry I didn't respond to you just now. I was doing something productive and not wasting my precious time with your l**... speeches.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?
It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.
So a guy walks into a bar...
So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Warning: This movie may contain n**....
Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was down by the Niagara River...
and I saw a Muslim extremist fall in!
He immediately started to sink.
Being a responsible Canadian, I contacted the provincial police and the RCMP right away! They didn't respond in time, and the Muslim man inevitably drowned...
I'm starting to think that I wasted two stamps.
A black guy was pulled over in his mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...
He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".
I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal...
It really was a waste of time.
(Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing)
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
A man is spending his first night in prison...
He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My classmates and I used to argue all the time about the plural form of the word for female s**... cells.
We'd go on and on and waste a lot of time in class, but finally it was resolved. Honestly, I'm glad it's ova.
I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.
I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.
I went to a blind tasting session the other day...
It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a Lesbian, I feel like I wasted my time learning to cook.
All my partner and I do is eat out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of priests stand by the road...
... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious b**...! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The bridge has fallen!"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife's Campaign
My wife has wasted years campaigning for t**... companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I walked up to some girls and asked if they liked guys with big d**...
They replied yeah.
I replied, "I'm sorry for wasting your time..." turned around and walked away awkwardly.
I went off on a tan gent once
He was wasting all his time at the beach
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
Behind Every Successful man.
Teacher: Behind every successful man there is a women
what do we learn from this?
Student: we should stop wasting time in studies and find a woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You've wasted your time explaining s**... to me
I still don't get it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a r**...?
A r**... doesn't waste time beating around the bush
Catching imaginary characters
"How much time do you waste catching imaginary characters on your phone" my father said to me as I was playing Pokemon Go.
And then he left for the temple.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Trap
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
What do you call a fish that wastes his time
Inefishent
Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year
I guess you could call it a waste of time.
I came here to write jokes and waste your time
But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Do what I ask you to do
Say fork for times out loud.
Out loud is important.
Then say soup exactly five times.
Then fork-soup ten times.
Then realise that I wasted your time.
Hi I'm Canadian
Sorry to have wasted your time
Leaving for the Crusades...
*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was talking to a lady online. Things were getting sensual.
So I asked her if she liked guys with big d**....
She replied " oh, yes baby! I do! .."
I apologized for wasting her time and said good night...
I once went out with this girl called simile..
..it was a waste of time, I don't know why I metaphor.
I don't subscribe to a nihilistic attitude towards life...
It's such a pointless waste of time being like that.
This made me smile for days
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
I'm great at multitasking!
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
People say it's never too late to turn around and do something with your life
Cool, that means I have a lot of time left I can waste playing games all day before I do
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality...
You'd never get a straight answer.
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
If you have a parrot....
....and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", your just wasting everybody's time.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When you s**... at math, quick math is the best math.
Why waste time if you are going to be wrong anyways.
Last night, I walked into a bar. The bartender told me...
"Don't waste your time. it's been posted and and reposted at least a hundred times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm struggling to quit my m**... addiction
On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated
On the other hand, there is my w**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're l**...."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have s**... with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us l**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
College is a waste of time.
Alumni newsletter contains no n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
I got fired from my job in waste management.
The only thing I managed to waste was time.
Like yours.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!
"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF!"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "Well, kid, that's show business."
What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?
Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
Hate speak, obscene photos, and narcissistic viewpoints caused me to get completely off of social media.
I found myself wasting too much time posting that stuff!
A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.
There isn't enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn't want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She's about to go through security when she's stopped. Sorry ma'am, the guard says, we don't allow carrion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I waste so much time trying to strangle myself for pleasure when I should be being productive
I wish I'd never got into a**... procrastination.
What do you call the place where bad noodles live?
The Spaghetto
What do you call noodles who can't remember anything?
Forgetti
I'd like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.
I hope my internet points don't take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.
The media keeps trying to assassinate the character of Donald Trump and I think it is a waste of time...
You can't assassinate what isn't there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A seductive man walks into a bar and sees a pretty woman.
"Waiter, offer a drink to that girl", the gallant gentleman asked.
"Dude, it's a waste of time. She's a lesbian", the waiter replied.
"Lesbian? But from what region of Lesbia?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time
Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your Uncle j**... a horse.
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
A boy was standing in his father's wheat farm for several hours.....
His father finally asked him "son, why are you wasting your time standing out here?"
Son replied "father, I am not wasting my time, I am trying to win a nobel prize!"
The father thought he was studying the environment and was impressed, still he asked "how do you plan on doing that?"
Son replied "I have heard that people who won Nobel prizes were outstanding in various fields. So I am doing the same."
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
A little boy walks into his parents' room
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
I think horoscopes are a complete and utter waste of time.
But, of course, I'm a Scorpio, and we are all skeptics.