Waste Jokes
156 waste jokes and hilarious waste puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about waste that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh out loud with these hilarious jokes about different types of waste. From food waste to nuclear waste, we explore the lighter side of the pollution crisis. Learn about the importance of reducing and recycling waste through the power of humour.
Quick Jump To
- Short Waste Jokes
- Waste One Liners
- Time Waste Jokes
- Food Waste Jokes
- Waste Management Jokes
- Nuclear Waste Jokes
- More Waste Jokes
Funniest Waste Short Jokes
Short waste jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waste humour may include short garbage jokes also.
- I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
- Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
- Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.
- I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver. Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
- Just got scammed out of $15. Bought tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
- As a Lesbian, I feel like I wasted my time learning to cook. All my partner and I do is eat out.
- I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me... I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
- Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers? Saskatchewan got to pick first.
- Love Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time. - If you're an astronaut.. and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time
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Waste One Liners
Which waste one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waste? I can suggest the ones about junk and wasting time.
- Saw a clock in the garbage the other day! Can't believe people are wasting time!
- I have Abs olutely wasted my gym membership.
- My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted
- H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge
- I thought chiropractors were a waste of money But I stand corrected.
- What's the deal with Orions belt? Waste of space!
Bad joke? Okay okay
3 stars - What do you get when you pour red bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.
- I wasted my time on a vasectomy. All it does is change the color of the baby.
- You know what was the biggest waste of money in 2020? I renewed my passport
- Asked my friend why he got wasted in a gay bar He said he wasn't thinking straight.
- I refused to waste money paying an exorcist... so he repossessed my house.
- A man wastes 5 years of his life on Reddit... It's me. I'm the joke.
- A libertarian vote walks out of a bar ... ... and goes, "God, I'm wasted."
- A third-party vote walks out of a bar... He says "Wow, I'm wasted."
- Orion's belt is a huge waste of space. Terrible joke, only three stars.
Time Waste Jokes
Here is a list of funny time waste jokes and even better time waste puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "How'd the session go with your new therapist?" "It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."
- Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time. But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.
- Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client? All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.
- I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!! Only half the people turned up.
- Finally made it to the court of the Crimson king Waste of time. All I did was talk to the wind
- What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user?? Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)
- If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet? Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?
- I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions... The time machine alone set me back 15 years.
- I came here to write jokes and waste your time But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time
- If you have a parrot.... ....and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", your just wasting everybody's time.
Food Waste Jokes
Here is a list of funny food waste jokes and even better food waste puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
- A rich Jewish businessman got kidnapped... The kidnappers told him to make a call to his family. He called and told them to not make any dinner for him tonight, so the food doesn't go to waste.
- I fed chicken nuggets to my chickens. Bad idea. What a waste of food.
- I'm fat because I hate wasting food. Personally, I blame Africa.
- If you could gather together all the food you've wasted over your life and put it on a scale to weigh it, It would probably smell terrible.
- What royal word is mispronounced to make it a waste of food? Duke
- I'm part Irish I like getting wasted like food on bulimics.
Waste Management Jokes
Here is a list of funny waste management jokes and even better waste management puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got fired from my job in waste management. The only thing I managed to waste was time.
Like yours. - My Dad works at the waste management plant... He says the pay is rubbish.
- Shouldn't Tiger Woods win the 2015 Waste Management Phoenix Open? Since he's playing like garbage...
Nuclear Waste Jokes
Here is a list of funny nuclear waste jokes and even better nuclear waste puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant? Because he was glowing.
- Hey guys, I'm looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor. I'm not gonna pay anyone but I'm sure you'll get plenty of exposure.
Fun-Filled Waste Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about waste you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean throw away jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waste pranks.
A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.
Noticing he has a h**..., the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feeling better than ever.
"Weren't you dead?", Asked the nurses.
"Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great!"
Warning: This movie may contain n**....
Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
Three engineering students.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...
...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal...
It really was a waste of time.
(Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing)
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
A man is spending his first night in prison...
He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."
Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to choose first
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?
There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.
Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body
The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"
The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."
The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
21st Century
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...
Why do Electricians make terrible revolutionaries?
They know resistance is a waste of energy.
I went to a blind tasting session the other day...
It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?
New Jersey picked first.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.
You've wasted your time explaining s**... to me
I still don't get it.
What did the chef say when he ruined the soup with too many herbs?
"Well, this was a waste of Thyme."
I walked into the nuclear plant operators office...
I walked into the nuclear plant operators office and asked him what to do with the barrels of radioactive waste.
"Bury 'em" he snarled at me,
"No sir, it's actually uranium"
I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...
"This is the 21st Century". She said
"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."
All I can tell you is this.
That fly never knew what hit him.
Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year
I guess you could call it a waste of time.
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...
A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If you don't eat that, it will go to waste.
If you *do* eat it, it will go to waist.
Leaving for the Crusades...
*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"
I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water..
And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.
Sunny day with my gf.
I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
My girlfriend told me she had no gag reflex
So I broke up with her, it's a shame to see a talent like that go to waste.
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
Two men are eating chili together.
One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.
First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.
The first man eats the second bowl of chili and finds a dead mouse at the bottom. He instantly spews the chili back into the bowl.
Second man: yeah that's as far as I got too.
Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality...
You'd never get a straight answer.
I went to a theme park today, but I honestly thought it was a waste of money.
If I wanted to wait ages for a quick thrill, I'd go home to my wife.
Space heaters are such a waste of electricity
I'm on Earth.
Three engineers are discussing what sort of god designed the human body.
The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"
The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"
The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said
I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...
A blond is fed up with her life
A blond woman is fed up with life, so she goes out into the woods and hangs herself. A man walks through the woods, and sees the woman hanging from her waste on a rope tied to a tree.
"What are you doing?" - He asks.
"Hanging myself," she replies.
"Shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" he asks.
She replies, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
I rolled my first joint last night!
Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
What do you call a sea creature that doesn't waste time?
A-fish-in-sea
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
Last night, I walked into a bar. The bartender told me...
"Don't waste your time. it's been posted and and reposted at least a hundred times."
What's a communists favorite way to waste time?
Stalin.
Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette's syndrome
Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a c*nt and she **does** want me to f*c**... off..!
I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.
It had a toxic work environment.
A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.
The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.
The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.
The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?
Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.
The house is still messed up as usual.
A little boy asks his dad, "Where does p**... come from?"
His father is taken aback by the question but decides to tell the son the truth.
"Well, son," he says, "food passes down the oesophagus, enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction. Then it passes through the alimentary canal before waste enters the colon, and then it finally emerges as p**...."
"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"
If there's one thing minecraft has taught us
It's that you don't waste diamonds on a h**...
A couple was having a quarrel in a lodge...
The man calls the manager and says, "I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast!"
The Manager angrily responds, "I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please do not waste my time again."
The Husband replies back, "The window is not opening. This is not a personal issue, this is a maintenance issue."
This is ridiculous!
I just saw a guy put his waterbottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill next to me!
What a waste of space.
PETA should respect Steve Irwin
PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
A seductive man walks into a bar and sees a pretty woman.
"Waiter, offer a drink to that girl", the gallant gentleman asked.
"Dude, it's a waste of time. She's a lesbian", the waiter replied.
"Lesbian? But from what region of Lesbia?"
What is the biggest waste of money?
A 2020 planner
A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.
Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.
Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage
What a complete waste of thyme
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.
VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
Just been sacked from my dream job as a maths teacher. Been there since 2010
What a waste of 15 years!
My wife gives me head every Monday.
She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God
"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."
"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."
The civil engineer demurs.
"God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
I wasted my life
I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".
Poor planning?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Unlike my friends, I don't waste money on so-called quality keyboards.
They're simply not worth ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
