Washington Jokes

What are some Washington jokes?

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.

I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"

Classic Denzel.

Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Roy Moore says he'll bring Alabama values to Washington, but I'm not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn't related to any of 'em!

Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..

So long as they open joint accounts.

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ...

"I cannot tell the difference!"

I always say good night to my microwave every morning

I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Man goes to his son and asks 'Did you tip over the outhouse'?

Son says, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek'. Father says 'That's it, you're going to the woodshed for some serious ass-whuppin!' 'But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn't get punished!' 'George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree!'

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business?

They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.

This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.

One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."

Little Johnny's teacher asks,

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Grandma's Facebook

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls it down and asks, What's going on?

Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100m ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations.

How much is everyone giving, on average? asks the driver.

The man replies, Roughly a gallon."

How much does freedom weigh?

A WashingTon.

A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...

Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."

Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."

The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."

Trump promptly hangs up.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

George Washington Today

What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?


Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress for ransom.

One man said, "The terrorists said if they don't get $50 million they're going to cover everyone in Congress in gasoline and set them on fire. So we're taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone donating?" the woman asked.

"About a gallon or two."

What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?

They're both under DC.

Man's March (on Washington)

Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.

The real reason Washington state passed Gay-marriage and recreational marijuana use.

Because the bible says when two men lie together, they should be stoned.

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

Bubba applied to work for the FBI

Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.

He said, "Son, this may well be the worst I've ever seen anyone do on this test. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn't even spell FBI correctly! I mean, can you even tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Bubba thought for a moment, then shook his head. The agent continued, "All right do this. Go home, study, and if you come back up here and can tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln, I'll let you take the test again." Bubba agreed and took his return flight home.

When his friends asked, "How'd the FBI test go?" Bubba said "It went great! I've only been with the agency 12 hours and they've already got me on a murder case!"

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

A pregnant woman

A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them"

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise." replied the doctor.

"Wow that's not a bad name. I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

People used to think George Washington was antisocial.

But he just wasn't a party person.

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse.
The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?"
The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid.
The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

If George Washington were alive today...

he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently.

Why did America go afk?

Because Washington D.C

The most famous person of all times

Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants the teacher with not much hope asked the last girl, Sarah, who happen to be Jewish. Sara raised and said. I think it was Jesus. The teacher was jubilant and pronounced Sarah as the winner of $100. After school the teacher approached Sarah and asked her. How come you as a Jew chose Jesus instead of Moses? To that Sarah replied. Sure, Moses is my hero, but business is business.

So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke".

She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!

George Washington and the Silver Dollar

According to legend, George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Patomac River. You can't do this today because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

A. Because he couldn't lie.

Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?

A. Presidentures!

Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?

A. Really, really, really old!

Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

USSR Joke Adapted For 2018

On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest the man and he is taken before a judge. The Judge takes a cursory glance at the charges and sentences the man to 4 years in prison. In disbelief he yells to the judge "I didn't know insulting the President was a crime". The Judge lowers his glasses and says "Insulting the President isn't a crime, but revealing state secrets is".

If we are going lose the Washington Redskins,

are we getting rid of the Scalpers too?

One for all of us country folks

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

Coining Money.

George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money.

Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that?

Yoda: Yep

If George Washington was alive today, he'd probably say

Why am I in a coffin?

What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington?

He starved to death.

What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump?

A psychiatrist.

I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

The Washington Redskins' stadium being sponsored by FedEx makes a lot of sense.

Neither delivers on Sundays.

George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness.

In that regard, he was on the money.

The Washington Capitals walk into a bar.

Everybody orders a drink. They all finish drinking and order another. The Bartender asks if they would like to start a tab. Ovechkin comes out and says, "No, thanks. We always stop at the second round."

Did you know George Washington is not on the 1$ bill?

It's just a picture of him.

New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree

it was actually brought down by Russian hackers

Lawyer Joke

You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn't really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

Ghosts in the Whitehouse

One night, Donald J Trump was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the Whitehouse. Trump asks "George, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did" Washington said.

The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved though the dark bedroom. "Tom," Trump asks, "What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises

Trump didn't sleep well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe. what is the best thing I can do the help the country?" Trump asks.

Abe answered, "Go see a play"

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."

A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"

If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age!

Funny comeback from a student

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Deputy Investigation goes Wrong.

WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF 'S DEPT. Investigation





A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.



He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegal grown marijuana.'



The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'



The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,



"See this badge"!? "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land". "No questions asked or answers given". "Have I made myself clear!!??" "Do you understand!!??"



The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.



Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.



With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.



The officer is clearly terrified.



The old farmer immediately throws down his **** fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....





"Your badge! Show him your F**king badge!"

George Washington: "We should put 'We trust in God' on our money"

John Adams: "Brilliant idea! Did you get that?"

Yoda: *taking note* "Yep"

George Washington and two other people go to Heaven...

Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says,

"I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."

The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies,

"Well, that's not too many."

And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates.

The second person says that he had 5 children.

"That's a lot!"

And whips him up a broken down Ford Model T.

George Washington had to get to the Gates by foot. The two other people were waiting for him there. When they asked why he had to do that, since he didn't have any children when he was alive:

"Some idiot told him I'm the father of my country!"

Oh, and thanks /u/reg8382748 for pointing it out, PRETEND GEORGE WASHINGTON KNOWS WHAT THE FRICK A CAR IS.

The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military.

Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.

The Washington Redskins, due to the incredible amount of racism, genocide and ignorance associated with that word, have decided to change their name to...

... The Redskins.

Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day.

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two landmark laws: "Gay marriage" and The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

'If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.' We just hadn't interpreted it correctly.

What US state has a lot of dirty laundry?

Washington

The Washington Redskins are very sensitive to concerns and have decided to change their name...

...to the DC Darkies.

What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat?

"Men, get in the boat!"

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency?

Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."

What's white, located in washington and has a president within it?

Monica Lewinsky's teeth.

White House call the Washington Police. "There's a crazy man in the White House and we don't know how he got here!"

The police operator responds, "yeah, we know; we've been wondering about that ourselves ever since the election."

Experts now bringing in Ozzy Osbourne to assess the Amtrak derailment in Washington

As he is certified on going off the rails on a crazy train.

Why did George Washington leave office after his second term.

He wanted to set a president.

What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.?

Between a politician and a news camera.

Why do cherry trees stink?

George Washington cut one.



Apparently I told this to my Catholic priest as a child..

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"

Donald Trump stands up and says, "Challenge accepted"

Why can't George Washington ever tell a lie?

Because he's dead.

Why can't you compare Washington State and Florida?

Because it'd be like comparing apples and oranges.

The Pope goes to Washington DC.

He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.

Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"

The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.

"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."

The news out of Washington has me feeling like Shrek.

I miss the good old days when all we had was a swamp.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson

If Lord of the Rings starred Denzel Washington....

...then at least there would be a Tolkien black guy.

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team in Washington state was tracking the migrations of crows. They trapped a number of crows, tagged them with the code WASH. BIOL. SURV. together with a box number, and released them.

Some weeks later they received a letter from an up-country farmer, reading as follows:

"Dear sirs. Yesterday Ah shot wun of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instrucshens, she washed it, bioled it an surved it.

"It was the worst thing we ever et."

How to make Washington jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Washington to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Washington? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Washington pick up lines to share with friends.

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