Washington Dc Jokes

48 washington dc jokes and hilarious washington dc puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about washington dc that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Washington Dc Short Jokes

Short washington dc jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The washington dc humour may include short washington state jokes also.

  1. Its so cold in Washington DC I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
  2. How do you know when it's really cold in Washington DC? Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.
  3. I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards. Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.
  4. I always say good night to my microwave every morning I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.
  5. Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business? They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.
  6. What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common? They're both under DC.
  7. Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don't do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.
  8. What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump? A psychiatrist.
  9. Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death
  10. House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation. Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

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Washington Dc One Liners

Which washington dc one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with washington dc? I can suggest the ones about george washington and capitol.

  1. Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists. They never lose.
  2. What does Washington, DC stand for? Washington, Da Capital
  3. How is Louisiana like Washington DC? Both swamps are flooded.
  4. Why does Washington DC stink? Because of the B O
  5. Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower's plane leave Washington DC? He was Edward Snowed-In.
  6. what do you call a p**... in Washington dc a lobbyist.
  7. If India is the r**... capital Washington DC is the the Valley of the Gropers.

Comedy Washington Dc Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about washington dc you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean washington redskins jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make washington dc pranks.

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have s**.

.. with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.

She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.
That was three hours ago.
Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.
The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"
The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse.
The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?"
The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid.
The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."
A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"

The Washington r**... are very sensitive to concerns and have decided to change their name... the DC d**....

Did you hear about the p**... studio that went to the bank to get a loan?

They got a very good interest rate.

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Did you hear that they're not having a nativity scene in Washington, DC?

They looked through the entire city and couldn't find any wise men!

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

What's the difference between Hollywood and Washington DC?

Molesting kids in Washington doesn't cost you your career.

"Mr President, we have an emergency situation, CNN is reporting a major snow storm for the Washington DC area!"

"Stop that! This is just FLAKE NEWS" Trump replied.

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress for ransom.
One man said, "The terrorists said if they don't get $50 million they're going to cover everyone in Congress in gasoline and set them on fire. So we're taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone donating?" the woman asked.
"About a gallon or two."

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"
Donald Trump stands up and says, "Challenge accepted"

The Pope goes to Washington DC.

He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.
Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"
The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.
"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

I saw a truck for sale on DC Craigslist, it was old and ugly, made terrible noises and got laughed right out of Washington

It was a Christine Blasey Ford

During a zombie apocalypse, where is the safest place to be?

Washington DC. There aren't any brains.

A guy was screaming "The President is s**..." on the middle of a street in Washington DC

A policeman came up to him and slapped him once.
Man : "I was talking about the President of Ireland."
*The policeman slapped the man again.*
Man: Why did you slap me?
Policeman : "As if we don't know which President is s**..."

Dan Snyder has finally agreed to change the name of The Washington r**...

Now they'll be called the DC r**....

Washington r**... to change their name

Today, the owner of the Washington r**..., Dan Snyder, finally agreed to a name change for his team.
Standing at the base of the Washington Monument, Snyder spoke in solemn tones when he announced:
It has taken a while for me to get woke. I now realize how degrading and insulting the team name has been all these years. In the spirit of the times, henceforth the team will now be called the DC r**...

Breaking News: The Washington r**... have changed their name.

They will now be called the DC r**....

A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.

"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."


Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "

Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and p**..., two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getting rid of them. She said, "See those wires along the ledge? They are carrying 1000 volts. We thought that would get rid of them, but it didn't phase them a bit." I told her "I'm not surprised. That's AC current, and these are DC pigeons."