Washing Machine Jokes
120 washing machine jokes and hilarious washing machine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about washing machine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Washing Machine Short Jokes
Short washing machine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The washing machine humour may include short laundry machine jokes also.
- What's the difference between a woman and a laundry machine? When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around after
- I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener. Now her clothes don't fit.
- What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
- Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
Husband: "The washing machine broke."
Wife: "And the good news?"
Husband: "The dogs are clean." - What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward
- A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.
- What's the difference between your washing machine and your wife You don't have to say I love you every time you put a load in the washing machine
- What's the difference between a 15-year old and a washing machine? When i throw a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week saying it loves me.
- My dad accidentally left cash in his pocket when he washed his pants in the washing machine He proud screamed throughout the house "Hey everyone I'm laundering money"
- What's the difference between your sister and a washing machine? A washing machine only takes one load at a time.
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Washing Machine One Liners
Which washing machine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with washing machine? I can suggest the ones about washing clothes and washing line.
- What's a washing machine's favorite state to live in? Washington
- Are you a washing machine? Because I wanna fill you with my dirty load.
- Why did the armless man fall off his bike? Because someone threw a washing machine at him
- Why did the washing machine stop? Somebody threw the towel in.
- I'm turning my washing machine into a car. Can't wait to take it for a spin.
- A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today 16 injured
- What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine? A viscous cycle
- What's a washing machine's favorite drink? Sock-e
- What is a politicians favorite setting on a washing machine? The spin cycle.
- Hey girl, are you a washing machine? Coz you're making my pants wet!!!!
- Why did the man with no arms fall off his bicycle? I threw a washing machine at him.
- How often do washing machines get paid? Quarterly
- [Pickup Line] Are you a washing machine? Because I want to put my dirty load in you
- I get why women live longer than men. Because washing machines live longer with calgon.
- What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sistermatic.
Washing Machine Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about washing machine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean washer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make washing machine pranks.
A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where s**.
.. isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
What is green and afraid of the washing machine?
The Incredible Chalk
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two neighbors wanted to have s**......
but there was a problem ,the woman had a small kid.They didn't wanted him to know what was going and so they decided to use a code.Everytime the woman was in the mood for it ,she would sent her son to tell the man "to bring his clothes to the washing machine".Everything was going well.One day friends came over at the woman's house.The man waited and waited,but the kid never showed up with the message.A few moments later the kid shows up.Mommy said to bring the clothes to the washing machine,he says.Kid,just tell your mom "Sorry,I can't come,I just hand washed them."
What did the libertarian shirt say when it was thrown into the washing machine?
AM I BEING DE-STAINED?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Halfway through a wash, my washing machine started demanding s**... from me, right here right now.
It was the menstrual cycle.
Newlywed Laundry
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt.
It has a setting for fast coloureds.
Why are wedding dresses white?
It's the most popular colour of home appliances, washing machines, dishwashers,........
What did bob marley say when he spilled bleech in his washing machine?
Everything's gonna be all white!!
How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?
i'm serious... help.
What does your grandma and a washing machine have in common?
When I drop my load in them they both do my laundry after.
My wife was complaining about how the washing machine was making a lot of noise lately.
I told her to put a sock in it.
Did you know that 4 people a year die from falling over their washing machines?
One minute they're filling their machine and the next they're calgon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My washing machine is racist..
It only likes w**... with w**... and colors w colors..
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a washing machine?
When you drop a load in a washing machine it doesn't text you every hour for a week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is a washing machine better than a woman?
When you leave a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow you around afterwards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you do when your washing machine breaks down?
Give her a slap
What's yellow and goes around?
A banana in the washing machine.
I hate putting my clothes in the washing machine...
they always seem so agitated when I take them out.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a woman?
You can throw a load into a washing machine without it following you around the rest of your life.
One pair of underpants meets another in the washing machine
"Hey there, long time no see, you been on vacation? You got tan!"
My wife hates my huge loads.
She says I should split them in two or else it could break the washing machine.
Why is the washing machine so grumpy?
It keeps getting agitated
What's worse than recalling millions of your phones?
Recalling 3 millions of your washing machines.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been through too much. I'm sick and tired. Everything is spinning around me.
'Johnny, get out the washing machine you little s**...!'
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You don't have to hug a washing machine half an hour after it finishes
What's the difference between a laundry machine and a girl?
The washing machine doesn't get upset if I dump a load in it and never call back
In the west, You have a washing machine, a dish-washer, a shower, litter boxes, a toilet & a cemetery
But in India: We have the Ganges!
What do you call an epileptic in a bathtub?
A washing machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
one night stand
What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a washing machine
Because I make all the p**... wet.
Which one is different from the other three and why - a fridge, a washing machine, a tv or a woman?
Most people say it's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't belong in the kitchen but they are sexist. It's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fudked.
You know why washing machines are so good at what they do?
Because all they do is rinse and repeat.
Did you hear about the optimistic workers down at the Washing Machine factory?
They absolutely hated their jobs but no matter what they always put a good spin on it.
What takes more dark loads than a washing machine?
A Kardashian.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
I can easily turn on a washing machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the blind girl c**... her bicycle?
Because someone threw a washing machine at her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The husband jokes about his wife being fat
While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this s**... washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do goths and the k**... have in common?
They don't have to worry about mixing darks and lights in their washing machines.
Conceived on a washing machine
A man walks into the doctors office and he's shaking vigorously. He asks the doctor:
"Doctor, I was conceived on a washing machine, could that have anything to do with my shaking?"
The doctor looks at him an says:
"No way, I was conceived on a record player and as you can see there is nothing wrong with, wrong with me, wrong with..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a little person with ADHD in a washing machine?
Midget fidget spinner
Old washing machine
Husband is walking behind his wife and says, Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes round and the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says, I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!
There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...
The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!
Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone
Life is like a washing machine...
What do a dishwasher, a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
Only my wife knows how they work.
So my washing machine caught fire today
The good news is I was able to get my washing and drying done in one go.
Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.
It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.
What Did The Irresponsible Babysitter Call The Washing Machine?
Fort Launderdale
I got a washing machine,
Her name's Karen
My dad had the ultimate dad joke...
When we were little, he'd tell us how we had to remember to take our wallets out of our jeans when we put in the washing machine.
Because that's laundering money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom, how did I come to this world?
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...
Two eggs locked in a washing machine, they were ostrich sized.
I received a notification for my order...
Dear Fushia,
Your shipment for your washing machine will ship for cheap by ship.
Do you know this feeling when you transferred all your items from the washing machine to the dryer and didn't drop a single sock?
Me neither.
Why did the lemon wear red shirt today?
Because blue shirt was in washing machine.
What do you call a man who hides his cash in a washing machine?
A money launderer.
What happened to the man who hid his money in a washing machine?
He got arrested for money laundering
I started laundering money...
I'm using a washing machine company as my front. The money looks extra clean.