The Best 83 Wash Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Wash jokes. There are some wash cleanser jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wash rinse puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Wash Jokes and Puns

Handjobs



A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Who makes more money - a drug dealer or a prostitute?

The prostitute- she can wash her crack and resell it.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

Wash joke, A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?

One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.

Chicken for Supper

So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."


God creates Adam

God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."

Adam couldn't believe his luck!

God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"

So Adam was lonely.

God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Wash joke, So Adam was lonely.

There was a deaf mute

who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

A man walks into a bar...

and glances at the menu.

* **Sandwiches, $2**

* **Hand jobs, $5**

He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties.

"Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?"

She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am."

"Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."

You can explore wash soaps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wash car wash dad jokes. There are also wash puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....

To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

I don't get why I have to wash my hands after masterbating.

It's not like my dick's been anywhere.

I'm really glad they invented shampoo.

imagine having to wash your hair with real poo?

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

Wash joke, A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

went to a temporary tatoo parlor

it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.


Teacher: What is the formula for water?

Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

The sun was coming up. Adam & Eve had just spent the entire night ...

... having glorious unadulterated sex. Eve decided to go wash up in the river close by. Just as she dipped her toe in the water to feel the temperature, she heard a thundering voice, "Do NOT go into the water!". Eve shrugged, and thought to herself, "What's the worse that could happen?". She waded into the water waist deep.

.... Another thundering voice came from the sky, "Now i'll NEVER get the smell out of the FISH!".

The Worst Natural Disaster

So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.

But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

A blonde walks into a laundromat...

And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?"

The worker did not hear her and said "come again?"

The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time"

What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves!

What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?

They're both under DC.

A boy is in the shower with his mum.

The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement?

It was actually sham-poo.

*thunderous applause*

A man walks into a bar.

The menu reads

>Burger: $5

>Hand job: $10

He slides a $10 bill to the female bartender and asks:
"Are you the girl who does the hand jobs?"

She responds with a smooth voice:
"Why yes I am"

The man then says:
"Then wash your hands, because I want two burgers"

I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

It's very easy to clean yourself to the tune of "Uptown Funk".

Don't believe me? Just wash.

Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~

Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...

...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

I first noticed I was going bald

When it took longer and longer to wash my face.

Guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, Hand Job - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

[Slinky] When should you wash a stinky slinky?

During spring cleaning

My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.

I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.

It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

Are you a washing machine?

Because I wanna fill you with my dirty load.

Man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first blow job". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"

Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced

When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:

"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"

"Because he's considering getting married"

A washbasin is trying to enter your house.

Let that sink in.

(Daniel Maier)

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

A New Car

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

Pirates never shower before they walk the plank.

They just wash up on shore afterward.

What comes after 69?

A mouth wash

You don't actually wash your hands...

They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.

Coffee

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs

The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
Look mom I'm white .

His mother tells him
Don't do that, it's not funny now go wash up .

The kid then goes to his dad who said
Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up .

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction says to himself as he cleans up
One day of being white and I already hate black people .

My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

She gave me a hand-job using Vaseline as lube...[NSFW]

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

Raccoons are the animal of 2020

They always wash their hands and wear a mask

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, Next time dad, can you use a sponge?

Did you know over 1 million wash basins are confiscated at the border every year for no reason?

Let that sink in...

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn't wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

Why didn't the pirates bathe before walking the plank?

They figured they'd wash up on shore later.

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

What's a washing machine's favorite state to live in?

Washington

Me: *washing car with son*

Son: Dad, can't you just use the sponge?

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they'll just wash up on shore later.

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands

Soldier: hey sailor, in boot camp they taught us we need to wash our hands when we get done in the bathroom

Sailor: in boot camp they taught us not to pee on ourselves

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted We're are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.

I replied, Good, wash it again!

I knew I was going bald when...

I knew I was going bald when it started to take longer and longer to wash my face. - Harry Hill

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

Teacher: You should wash your face in the morning

"I can tell what you had for breakfast. You ate scrambled eggs"

Student; "Haha, you're wrong, sir. I ate eggs yesterday".

I wash my hair with fake turds

Some call it shampoo

Where does Joey Fatone wash his vegetables?

N'Sync

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wash laundry jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working wash bathe piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes