Wash Hands Jokes
113 wash hands jokes and hilarious wash hands puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wash hands that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wash Hands Short Jokes
Short wash hands jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wash hands humour may include short hand washing jokes also.
- Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic Like who wouldn't wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.
- My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash. "Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
- How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
- Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak 28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
- What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word? She washed her hands with soap
- There was a deaf mute who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.
- The sign said Employees must wash hands But I waited a long time and no employees showed up so eventually I washed my own hands.
- In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah.... But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
- [washing hands after delivering a baby] That thing really didn't want to fit in the mail box.
- How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom? They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.
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Wash Hands One Liners
Which wash hands one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wash hands? I can suggest the ones about hand sanitizer and wash dishes.
- Raccoons are the animal of 2020 They always wash their hands and wear a mask
- How do you wash your hands on christmas? With Santatizer!
- What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed? "I think we're in sink."
- I was hand washing my clothes the other day... Got a little dizzy during the spin cycle.
- Why is Tigger always washing his hands? Because he plays with Pooh
- What does a Jedi use to wash their hands? The Forcet
- Stop the pain... Love yourself. then wash your hands.
- Which rock band always wash their hands before a concert? OCDC
- At the moment, humanity divided in two groups... First washes hands, other washes money.
- What does the president wash his hands with when he first enters office? Turmoil
- love yourself wash your hands before you pee
- What do you about family members with sticky fingers? You wash your hands of them.
- If you're a germaphobe and you know it... wash your hands!
- Sherlock Holme shakes my hand Sherlock: So, did you wash your hands yet?
- Hey boy, why are your hands so dirty? Because I used them to wash my face.
Delightful Fun Wash Hands Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about wash hands you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hand soap jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wash hands pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to be Insulting in Church: Pour water into the font and wash your hands in it.
If you're really daring, t**... shoes and socks and cool your feet.
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.
Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.
Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.
He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."
"Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**...
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Me and the rain are waiting...
I'm waiting for rain to come so that I can wash my car. On the other hand the rain is waiting for me to wash my car.
So if we get our mouth washed out with soap for saying naughty words, Should we get our hands washed for typing them?
Should we get our hands washed for typing them?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are my t**... black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Chicken for Supper
So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A crusty old biker walls into a bar..
..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**.... (Not sure if a repost, found this joke on a fb page)
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results -back?
Two spoons...
A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.
Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.
"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item is a spoon. Therefore, all waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As the waiter was offering the explanation to the couple, they noticed there was a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.
"What about that?" the man asked, discreetly pointing to the string.
"That, sir, is the result of another efficiency study." the waiter replied.
"When we need to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."
"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim," the man said, "but how do you go about getting yourself back in?"
"I don't know about the other waiters, sir," the waiter replied, "but I use the two spoons!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nurse, are mt t**... black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young married couple are shy about s**...
and it was difficult for them the talk about it to each other. They decided to use an innocent phrase if they wanted to do the deed. They came up with the idea to call s**... "doing the wash".
One night the young husband asked his wife if she wanted to go do the wash. She told him she was not in the mood, and he went to bed alone. The wife began to feel bad that she had denied her husband his pleasure, and shortly followed to the bedroom and told him that they could do the wash, to which he replied, "That's okay dear, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."
What are some good 'your sister jokes'?
Ones like: what's the difference between dinner and your sister? I wash my hands before eating dinner.
Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds walk into a restroom in 2005...
When Bill Gates finishes doing his business, he goes to the sink, washes his hands, pulls 20 paper towels from the dispenser, and dries his hands completely as Steve Jobs walks up.
Bill says "at Microsoft, we like to be thorough."
Steve Jobs washes his hands even cleaner than Bill, then takes only one paper towel, using every last little bit of it, and still managing to dry his hands completely.
Steve says "at Apple, we like to be thorough AND efficient."
Just then, Linus Torvalds walks up to the sink and pulls out a laptop.
Bill and Steve give Linus a confused look. "what are you doing?" they ask.
Linus says "I'm reading the man page for the sink."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a public bathroom...
...as he stands at the u**... he notices written on the wall in front of him "BEWARE g**..." ignoring it he then goes to wash his hands when above the hand dryers he sees it written again "BEWARE g**..." as he turns to leave he sees something written on the floor in small lettering and bends over to read it... "we warned you twice"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's the day of the big game, and a (pick your rivalry) Michigan fan meets an Ohio State fan at the u**... trough...
The Buckeye notices that the Michigan fan doesn't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He snidely remarks, "You know, at The Ohio State University, they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."
The Wolverine pauses, looks back, and says, "Good for you. At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Random Guy at Chipotle
A random guy at Chipotle said "give me a high five" and afterwards said "you should wash that hand"...not sure whether to laugh or not.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A couple decide to give s**... a codeword...
because of their young children they decide to call having s**... "doing the wash"
One day the father comes home to find his wife on the couch watching her soaps and the kids running around the house, and he asks, "honey, let's go to our room and *do the wash*!
She says, "Not now, I'm just really into these soaps right now, give me a half hour or so..."
When she's done she finds him and asks him if he's still ready to "do the wash" and he replies,
"Naw, it was a small load and I did it by hand, anyway."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I don't get why I have to wash my hands after m**....
It's not like my d**...'s been anywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black t**...?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... in the other.. Then, she takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful – but please listen very, very closely to me: 'Are – my – test – results – back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man replies yes, "are you the one who gives the h**...?" The woman says "yes" the man says "Then go wash your hands I want a PB&J
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are My t**... Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my t**... black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my t**...
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his t**... in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Never Forget
Girl: Can you finger me?
Boy: Sure.
Girl: Oh yeah that feels good.
--------- 1 Day Later -----------
Girl: I'm pregnant.
Boy: d**... I forgot to wash my hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
why is a mechanic smarter than a doctor?
Because a mechanic washes his hands before he uses the restroom.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Biker walks into a bar...
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today, someone called me a germophobe.
m**.... I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who shakes hands with someone and then feels the need to wash their feet.
The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...
... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"
My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money.
I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash.
How to make friends
Next time you are washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" it is a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed
Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands
A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes into a deli
He looks over the menu:
Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
h**...: $250
He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the h**...?"
"I do!" She says with a smile!
"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"
Always wash your hands at the shooting range before you go pee.
You don't want your girlfriend to get lead poisoning!
My pizza delivery guy asked me for a tip today
So I told him to always wash his hands after using the bathroom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.
I must have stood in there for forty god d**... minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A salesman walks into a bar and and asks the female bartender what the specials are...
She says it's $5 for a club sandwich and $20 for a bj. Salesman looks at her and and asks her do you give hand jobs? To which she responds Yes that's $15.
Salesman looks and her, slips her a $10 and says that's $5 for the sandwich and another $5 for you to wash your hands before you make it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker walks into a bar...
...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
I got in touch with my inner self today...
I wiped a bit too thoroughly. Gonna go wash my hands now...
Old washing machine
Husband is walking behind his wife and says, Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes round and the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says, I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who don't wash their hands
They make me sick
When using the bathroom I've adopted a two flush technique
One flush to - ya know - flush it down and another flush to wash my hands, it works a lot better than doing it all in one flush.
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
How can you tell if someone is new to working in the restaurant industry?
They're washing their hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Psalm 26:6
"I wash my hands in innocence"
"Would you please stop f**... my daughter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can count the number of times I've m**... this year on one hand...
...I should really wash up.
My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.
It left her foaming at the mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Always wash your hands after jacking off.
That way, when you're f**... your sister later, you won't get her pregnant.
Girlfriend's are like wash cloths. It's nice to have one, but it's easier to just use your hand.
*warsh rag*
I was in a restaurant restroom and couldn't wash my hands
The rules were clear and were even posted right over the sibk. An employee was supposed to do it but they weren't anywhere to be found.
You don't really wash your hands
They actually wash each other while you stand there and watch
Army vs. Navy
An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'
People who work at soap factories don't have to wash their hands after using the bathroom.
Discuss.
An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.
She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn't turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it's soaking wet.
Ma'am did you wash it with water? He asks.
Yes but I don't think that's what killed it. Replied the old lady.
Than what killed it? Asked the employee very confused.
The Spin Cycle.
You know that satisfaction you feel after sweeping when you have a big pile of dirt and know it was worth it?
I love when that same feeling when you wash your hands after taking a dump
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I did m**... and m**... for one year, but now I'm clean.
Just washed my hands.
Life after Corona have become crazy
I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, open the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when I returned to my table I realised....I forgot to pull up my pants!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
4 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**... in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't know about you guys but service has been pretty c**... lately
I mean, I waited 45 minutes and no one came to wash my hands. What is the employees must wash hands sign for?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:
Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
h**... £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am" "Well wash your hands," I said "I want a cheeseburger!!"