Wash Hands Jokes
113 wash hands jokes and hilarious wash hands puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wash hands that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Wash Hands Short Jokes
Short wash hands jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wash hands humour may include short washing hands jokes also.
- Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic Like who wouldn't wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.
- My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash. "Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
- How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
- Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak 28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
- What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word? She washed her hands with soap
- There was a deaf mute who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.
- The sign said Employees must wash hands But I waited a long time and no employees showed up so eventually I washed my own hands.
- In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah.... But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
- You don't actually wash your hands... They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.
- [washing hands after delivering a baby] That thing really didn't want to fit in the mail box.
Share These Wash Hands Jokes With Friends
Wash Hands One Liners
Which wash hands one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wash hands? I can suggest the ones about hand washing and hold hands.
- Raccoons are the animal of 2020 They always wash their hands and wear a mask
- I hate people who don't wash their hands They make me sick
- How do you wash your hands on christmas? With Santatizer!
- What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed? "I think we're in sink."
- I was hand washing my clothes the other day... Got a little dizzy during the spin cycle.
- Why is Tigger always washing his hands? Because he plays with Pooh
- If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- What does a Jedi use to wash their hands? The Forcet
- Stop the pain... Love yourself. then wash your hands.
- Which rock band always wash their hands before a concert? OCDC
- Why are jews always washing their hands? They're Germaphobes.
- At the moment, humanity divided in two groups... First washes hands, other washes money.
- What does the president wash his hands with when he first enters office? Turmoil
- love yourself wash your hands before you pee
- What do you about family members with sticky fingers? You wash your hands of them.
Delightful Fun Wash Hands Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about wash hands you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hand wash jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wash hands pranks.
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.
Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.
Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.
He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."
"Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."
h**...
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Me and the rain are waiting...
I'm waiting for rain to come so that I can wash my car. On the other hand the rain is waiting for me to wash my car.
So if we get our mouth washed out with soap for saying naughty words, Should we get our hands washed for typing them?
Should we get our hands washed for typing them?
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. h**... $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the h**...?"
She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your f**...' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."
A man walks into a burger joint
He sees a really pretty blonde lady working behind the counter. He looks at the menu, which reads
-Hamburger: $2.00
-Cheeseburger: $2.50
-h**...:$25.00
He thinks for a second, then asks the woman "Are you the one that gives h**...?"
She smiles and replies "I am."
"Great. Wash your hands. I want a burger."
Chicken for Supper
So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."
A crusty old biker walls into a bar..
..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
Guy walks passed a bar with a sign "$5 sandwiches, $20 h**..."
..and then walks inside. He walks up to the bar and see's a smoking female hot bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the h**...?"
"Yes"
"Okay good, wash your hands and make me a sandwich".
What are some good 'your sister jokes'?
Ones like: what's the difference between dinner and your sister? I wash my hands before eating dinner.
A man walks into a bar...
and glances at the menu.
* **Sandwiches, $2**
* **Hand jobs, $5**
He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties.
"Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?"
She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am."
"Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."
A man walks into a public bathroom...
...as he stands at the u**... he notices written on the wall in front of him "BEWARE g**..." ignoring it he then goes to wash his hands when above the hand dryers he sees it written again "BEWARE g**..." as he turns to leave he sees something written on the floor in small lettering and bends over to read it... "we warned you twice"
It's the day of the big game, and a (pick your rivalry) Michigan fan meets an Ohio State fan at the u**... trough...
The Buckeye notices that the Michigan fan doesn't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He snidely remarks, "You know, at The Ohio State University, they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."
The Wolverine pauses, looks back, and says, "Good for you. At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
I don't get why I have to wash my hands after m**....
It's not like my d**...'s been anywhere.
$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man replies yes, "are you the one who gives the h**...?" The woman says "yes" the man says "Then go wash your hands I want a PB&J
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
A guy walks into a bar...
There's a sign there that reads:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grilled Cheese - $2
h**... - $10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He asks the petite bartender "Are you the little lady that gives the h**...?"
Bartneder says "Why yes I am hun."
Guy says "well, wash those f**...' hands and make me a grilled cheese"
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Man walks into a bar...
A man walk into a bar and sees Loretta, a forty-something waitress smoking behind the bar. On the bar is a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwiches: $5.00. Hand jobs: $10.00." Man says to Loretta, "Here's ten dollars. Go wash your hands and make me two cheese sandwiches."
A man walks into a bar.
The menu reads
>Burger: $5
>h**...: $10
He slides a $10 bill to the female bartender and asks:
"Are you the girl who does the hand jobs?"
She responds with a smooth voice:
"Why yes I am"
The man then says:
"Then wash your hands, because I want two burgers"
Biker walks into a bar...
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...
... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"
Good joke to drop on most people.
A man walks into a bar and see's a sign that says:
Hamburgers - $1.00
Cheeseburgers - $2.00
h**... - $10.00
So the man approaches the blond, b**..., beautiful bartender and says: "Are you the one who gives the h**...?"
She replies "I sure am, sugar!"
"Great. Wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money.
I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash.
How to make friends
Next time you are washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" it is a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed
Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands
A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.
The sign reads as follows:
* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* h**... $10
After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the h**...?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."
An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.
The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.
On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"
The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."
Guy walks into a bar...
There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, h**... - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
My pizza delivery guy asked me for a tip today
So I told him to always wash his hands after using the bathroom.
It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.
I must have stood in there for forty god d**... minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.
A salesman walks into a bar and and asks the female bartender what the specials are...
She says it's $5 for a club sandwich and $20 for a bj. Salesman looks at her and and asks her do you give hand jobs? To which she responds Yes that's $15.
Salesman looks and her, slips her a $10 and says that's $5 for the sandwich and another $5 for you to wash your hands before you make it
A biker walks into a bar...
...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
I got in touch with my inner self today...
I wiped a bit too thoroughly. Gonna go wash my hands now...
Old washing machine
Husband is walking behind his wife and says, Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes round and the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says, I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!
When using the bathroom I've adopted a two flush technique
One flush to - ya know - flush it down and another flush to wash my hands, it works a lot better than doing it all in one flush.
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
How can you tell if someone is new to working in the restaurant industry?
They're washing their hands.
A man walks into a bar and a b**... blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.
The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, "Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, h**... $10".
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am".
The man says, "Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger".
Psalm 26:6
"I wash my hands in innocence"
"Would you please stop f**... my daughter?"
I can count the number of times I've m**... this year on one hand...
...I should really wash up.
My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.
It left her foaming at the mouth.
A guy has 10 bucks in his pocket and walks into a bar.
As soon as he get in, he sees a sign on the wall:
- Beer $5.00
- h**... $10.00
He calls the hottest waitress in the room and asks: "Who are the one who gives the h**...?"
The waitress respond: "That would be me."
"Ok... Go wash your hands and bring me two beers."
A man walks into a bar...
and on the menu he sees Hamburgers $5, Cheeseburgers $6, h**... $10. He walks up to the bar and a beautiful brunette comes to take his order. She seductively leans over the bar and asks the man, Can I get you something dear? The man says Are you the one that makes the burgers and gives the h**...? She grins and says I sure am honey and winks at him. He says Great, can you wash your hands, I'd love a cheeseburger.
A man walks into a bar...
A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said:
cheeseburgers 3$
hotdogs 5$
h**... 10$
He goes to the bar and asks the lady "are you the one that gives h**..." and she said yes, then he replied "well wash your hands I want a cheeseburger
Army vs. Navy
An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'
An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.
She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn't turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it's soaking wet.
Ma'am did you wash it with water? He asks.
Yes but I don't think that's what killed it. Replied the old lady.
Than what killed it? Asked the employee very confused.
The Spin Cycle.
You know that satisfaction you feel after sweeping when you have a big pile of dirt and know it was worth it?
I love when that same feeling when you wash your hands after taking a dump
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: h**... - $15'.
The girl asks: 'Can I help?
'Yes,' says the man, 'the h**..., are you the one giving them?'
The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'
The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom?
They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.
I did m**... and m**... for one year, but now I'm clean.
Just washed my hands.
4 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**... in it.
I don't know about you guys but service has been pretty c**... lately
I mean, I waited 45 minutes and no one came to wash my hands. What is the employees must wash hands sign for?
I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:
Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
h**... £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am" "Well wash your hands," I said "I want a cheeseburger!!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your f**...' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
How do elves wash their hands?
With Santa-tiser.
Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie
We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...
But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.
God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "d**...! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."
A sailor and a marine walk into a bathroom at a bar
They both do their business, the sailor goes to wash his hands -- the marine heads to the door. The sailor sees this and says "You know, in the NAVY they taught us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom". The marine looks back at him and says "Oh yeah? Well, in the marines they taught us not to p**... on our hands"
I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring
I don't know how I feel about it...
Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.
Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.