Warns Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"

The teacher says:

"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

A man is sitting next to woman on a bus

The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.

After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!

A wife is at home watching the news.

On the TV she sees footage of a crazy man driving the wrong way on the freeway. She realizes her husband takes the same path home from work. She immediately calls him and warns him of the danger. She says, "Be careful! There's a crazy man driving on the wrong side of the freeway!"

The husband replies, "One!? There's hundreds of them!"

A woman is marrying a sailor

Before the wedding night her father warns her

"Now lass, when you get to bed tonight he might demand it 'the other way around'"

"What do you mean" she asks but he tells her she'll find out soon enough.

The wedding night comes and goes without the groom asking for it the other way around and through 10 years of marriage still no request. Finally the woman can contain her curiosity any longer and says to her husband

"Would you like it 'the other way around' tonight?"

To which he replies

"What - and risk you getting pregnant?"

A priest is playing golf with a sailor.

The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "Goddammit, I missed!"

The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.

The sailor misses again. "Goddammit I missed!"

The priest cautions him again.

The sailor misses a third time. "Goddammit I missed!"

The skies open up and the hand of God casts down a bolt of furious vengeance which completely obliterates... the priest.

The sailor looks up into the sky.

A booming voice from heaven says "Goddammit, I missed!"

An Irishman has a drinking problem...

..that causes him to almost never arrive to work on time. His boss, frustrated by the man's lack of punctuality, warns him that if he is late to work one more day, he'll be fired.

The next day, the man makes sure to arrive to work on time, but is surprised to find that he can't find a space to park his car in. After ten minutes of circling the parking lot, and his job nearing termination, the man desperately looks up and says, "Oh, Jesus, I promise, if you give me a spot and I get to work on time, I'll give up drinking forever."

Lo and behold, he turns the next corner to find a parking space right in front of him, and the man quickly looks up and says, "Nevermind! I found one."

My 2nd Parrot joke!

A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."

"About a week later..........."

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

A dentist warns his patient...

Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...

Guy goes to the doctor for a prostate exam

Doctor warns him, "It is normal to get an erection while I perform this procedure, so don't be alarmed".

After the doctor is all finished the guy says, "Doc, I never got an erection, I didn't even feel like I was going to get one".

The doctor smiles and says, "Oh, not you silly".

A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup

When the doctor walks in he looks at the man's chart and says although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
Now just to let you know this may cause an erection, warns the doctor.
I think I'll be fine, the man replied
I wasn't talking about you.

Little Johnnys neighbour

One day little Johnny comes home from school and his mom tells him that they are going over to the neighbors house to see their new baby. However the baby has a defect, he was born with no ears. Knowing that Johnny will say something rude his mom warns him and tells him to be polite. Johnny agrees.

Later that evening they are looking at the baby.

Johnny's mom: Wow your baby is so cute.

Johnny: Yeah he is adorable

Neighbor: Thanks we are so happy to have him. A special thing about him is that he was born with perfect 20 20 vision.

Johnny: Good because if he needed glasses he'd be f*cked

Jack the ripper walks into a Bar...

and orders Isabella's Islay scotch. Bartender warns "It will cost you an arm and a leg".

Jack the ripper's reply:"its a deal"

A dad and his little son are on a train...

The son is looking out the window.The dad warns him that the wind will take his hat but the son doesn't care,so he takes his son's hat and hides it behind secretly.After a while the son turns back and asks,

-Where is my hat dad?

-The wind took it.

Answers the dad and the son begins to cry.The dad calms him down and says,

-Look,I know how to get your hat back.I will whistle and your hat will come back.

The dad whistles and takes the hat behind him and gives it to the son.

The son looks happy and surprised.He runs to his dad's wallet and throws it out the window and says,

-Do it again!

A religious horse

So, a man decides that he wants to buy a fine horse to get around with and race. He looks around town but can't find one for sale anywhere. At last, he finds an underground shop with a beautiful white horse.

He negotiates the price for the fine steed, but the owner warns him, "This is a special, religious horse. To get her to go, say 'praise the lord!' instead of giddy up. To get her to stop, say "Amen"

So he buys the horse and tests it. He gets on it and forgets what the man said. Then he remembers and says, "Praise the lord!" and it takes off. It runs and runs till he's at the edge of a cliff. He panics and says, "Halt! Stop! " but then remembers and says, "Amen!" and it stops, right on the edge. He says, "Oh, praise the lord..."

Cinderella is late for the ball when her period comes.

To her great relief, her fairy godmother is able to fashion a magic tampon out of a pumpkin. But she warns her, you MUST be home before midnight, or it will turn right back!

Midnight comes and goes, and the fairy godmother goes from angry to terribly worried. At 5 am Cinderella shows up, smoking a cigarette and looking rather disheveled, but seemingly unharmed.

Where have you been!? yelled the fairy godmother.

I'm fine, relax! Had a lovely evening. I ended up meeting a man! I don't remember his name exactly, Peter Peter Pumpkin something.

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

Pence warns North Korea that the "era of strategic patience is over."

He continued, "Now we enter the era of strategically sending North Korea to its room without the new WiFi password."

A brunette and a blonde visit a motel

Before they go in, brunette warns her friend "Don't fill in your own address. Pick some European country. They won't know the difference.".

In the form brunette states her country of origin as "Hungary" while the blonde, trying to remain inconspicuous, writes "Thirsty".

Pope Francis warns the public about the evils of Horoscope readings...

Born: December 17, "Your ideas are abstract and don't always make reasonable sense."

What a Sagittarius thing to say...

What do you call a dog who warns you about danger at the yogurt drink factory?

Mango Lassi

An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay guy go to a psychiatrist

An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay guy go to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist evaluates their addictions and warns them, "If you indulge in your bad habit ONE MORE TIME, you will drop dead."

So the three men acknowledge his warning and leave the clinic.

As they walked down the sidewalk, discussing their fate, the Alcoholic proclaims, "I don't care what happens to me! I need a drink!" He runs into a bar, takes a shot of whiskey, and drops dead.

The smoker and gay guy--shocked that the psychiatrist was telling the truth--continue walking.

A few minutes later they see a full cigarette burning on the sidewalk. The smoker starts to sweat. And looks over at the gay guy. "I just need ONE MORE drag!"

The gay guy says, "Honey, if you bend down to pick that up, we're BOTH gonna drop dead!"

What are the funniest warns jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Warns? Well, here are the best Warns puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Warns pick up lines to share with friends.


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