warning Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious warning stories

What are the best warning puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Warning? Well here is a complete list of the top warning jokes:

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

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The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

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Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

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Warning: This movie may contain nudity.

Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.

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Question my sexuality all you want, but I'm warning you...

Guys who rub me the wrong way often find themselves in a very sticky situation.

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If you're African you will get this: (WARNING: racist)

AIDS

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Best Read with a German Accent (Warning: Holocaust Joke)

One day during the war, Hitler gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But Hitler, vhy ze three hamsters". Hitler smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"

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An accordion player goes to a bar... (warning: dumb joke)

After a long night at performing at a local restaurant, an accordion player goes to have a few late night drinks. He drives up to the bar and goes inside. After finishing his first drink, he realizes he left his car unlocked! He rushed outside, opened the trunk of his car.....but it was too late....a 2nd accordion was already there!

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warning sign on children's alphabet blocks

Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

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Boy Scouts [Warning: Offensive]

Whats the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

One comes home from camp, the other doesn't

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What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)

The size of their clock.

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Warning: a punny joke

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?


Outlaws are wanted.

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(warning racist and horrible humor, NSFW) How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia?

Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling

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Warning: Not for the easily offended!!!

What's better than winning a medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being a fucking retard!

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Where did the policeman live? (Warning: British humour)

999 letsby avenue

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(Warning:lame music joke. I just came back from a classicical music concert) Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the oboe solo.

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Warning: Bad Biology Puns

So a Homo is talking to his friend, pitching him an idea for a new musical he came up with. Upon finishing his pitch, his friend looks at him and exclaims "Wow! Its brilliant!". Homo looks at him and says, "Well, I am a genus!"

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What is better than winning the special olympics?
(Warning! If you are offended easily DO NOT read this!)

Not being fucking retarded

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Warning

being able to suck your own cock doesn't impress employers when they're looking for flexibility.

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What makes a hockey player laugh? (Warning: Cheesy)

Slapstick Comedy!

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WARNING: older men scammed

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WARNING offensive to jews

whats the diffrence between jews and pizza.



pizza doesnt scream.

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A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, seΓ±or, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

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New Flash

Tragedy struck the CIA during Take Your Child To Work Day when the parents of 150 inquisitive children had to follow through on the warning, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

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Choking hazard

Boy: Hey

Girl: Hey

Boy: There should really be a warning sign on my dick, you know?

Girl: Why's that?

Boy: Well it's so big that it's a choking hazard *high-fives bro*

Girl: Oh well I thought choking hazard warning signs were only put on extra small things...

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An old Lady in a nursing home...

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again!

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What did I say to the feminist blogger just before I shot her in the face with two guns?

"WARNING: TRIGGERS"

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What's blue, orange, red, yellow, and green? (WARNING: Extremely racist)

My nigger. And I'll paint him any color I want!

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A redneck walks into a bar... [WARNING: HIGHLY OFFENSIVE]

[Editor's note: Heard this one from my uncle who lives in Mississippi. Politically correct types should move on without continuing to read. Seriously. You've been warned.]

So this good ol' boy walks into a bar in East Texas and there's an African-American gentleman tending bar. The good ol' boy says: "Hey nigger, get me a whiskey sour and don't Jew me on the whiskey!"

The bartender says: "Sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language in here, now ask me politely, and you'll get your drink."

"Fuck you, coon!" says the redneck, "I ain't gonna have no porch monkey tell me what to do, now get me my fuckin' whiskey sour!"

The bartender snaps: "Hey man, that shit is absolutely uncalled for in this day and age. How would you like it if this was your bar and I came in here and abused you and threw racial epithets around like that!?"

The redneck just shrugs.

"Well, let's fuckin' try it, then! See how you like it!" says the bartender. "Get back behind here!"

The redneck gets behind the bar, and the black guy goes outside. A moment later, he comes back in yelling:

"Hey, you honkey ass cracker motherfucker! Get me a beer and a shot of bourbon now before I bust a cap in your pencil-dick, faggoty white ass!"

The redneck looks up from the bar and says: "We don't serve niggers."

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[WARNING: RACIST JOKE] What do you call a jew with a gasmask?

A spoilsport.

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Penis Sizes

This car with a black guy, white guy, and Asian guy in it was speeding. In a few minutes they got pulled over. The cop said, "If we add all you penis sizes together, and it is exactly 16 inches, I'll let you guys off with a warning." The black guy pulls his pants down and has an 8 inch penis. Next is the white guy, he pulls his pants down and he has a 6 inch penis. Next is the Asian. He pull his pants down, and he has a 2 inch penis. After the cop lets them go, the Asian says, "Man, you guys are lucky I had a boner!"

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I have discovered the reason why it's hard to burn fat! MUST READ.

DO NOT SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER. I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. We use shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning, "for extra body and volume." No wonder we have been gaining weight.

We should get rid of that shampoo and start washing hair with dish washing liquid. Its label reads, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever....

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Knock knock, interrupting cat
(warning, do NOT tell joke in busy public areas)

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cat
Interrupting ca...
MMEEAAOOWW

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How do you fit ten babies in a pot? Warning: Morbid

How do you fit ten babies in a pot? You blend them.
How do you get them out? Chips!

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The three knights (NSFW)

Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina.

That night, while the three knights are guarding the princess' bedroom, one knight enters the room. a couple of minutes later, a scream is heard from the room, and the knight walks out, writhing in pain. The second knight walks in to the room also, and once again, within a couple of minutes, a cry is heard, and the knight falls out of the room, screeching out of pure agony. Finally, the third knight walks in, and again, a scream is heard, and the knight walks out crying like a baby.

The next morning, the king approaches the knights outside of the bedroom, and asks the first knight "Did you sleep with my daughter last night?" The knight replied "No." The king then ordered the man's pants to be dropped, and upon seeing the knight's sliced penis, ordered him to be taken away and executed. The king repeated to the second knight, "Did *you* sleep with my daughter?" The second knight owned up and said, "Yes." The king ordered the man to be executed immediately. The king then said to the third knight, "Did you attempt to sleep with my daughter?" and the knight opened his mouth, and said "I wpluod nefew twi to fwuk yow dertur."

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A man walks into a bar...(note: better told than read)

A man (Bill) walks into a bar, and takes a ten-inch pianist out of his pocket, and puts it on the bar. The Pianist then starts to play Mozart's 7th perfectly. Another man (Jim) walks up to Bill and says, "Wow, that's amazing! where'd you get him?" Bill says, "There's this genie down the street that will grant you one wish, but just a warning, he's a little hard of hearing". Jim then goes to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." suddenly a million ducks fall from the sky. Jim says to the genie, "I wished for a million BUCKS, not ducks!" The genie just shrugs, and walks back into his house. Jim then goes back to the bar, and says to Bill, "I wished for a million bucks, but all I got was a million ducks!" Bill says, "Well ya. Do you really think I wished for a ten-inch pianist."

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a priest and a golfer are playing golf...

On the first hole, the priest gets a hole in one.
The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too.
He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole.
"Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer.
"Sir, if you say that one more time, God will strike you down." warns the priest.
They keep playing and soon the golfer forgets the priests warning.
On the 18th hole, the priest gets another hole-in-one.
Naturally the golfer tries to get one well.
He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole.
"Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer.
"Sir, I warned you!" growls the priest.
Dark storm clouds gather, a giant hand extends from the sky. Lightning flashes!
When the world returns to normal, the golfer looks next to him and sees a little pile of ash where the priest was.
And, up in heaven, god yells:"Damn it! I missed!"

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Warning, offensive. Why was Hitler so concerned about getting into heaven?

Because there were 6 million jews waiting for him in hell.

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A blond is driving down the road....

when a cop pulls her over for the tail light being broken. The cop approaches the car when he hears rumbling from the truck. "What's in the trunk, please open it? Said the cop. So the blond reluctantly opens the truck and there are 3 penguins sitting there. The cop says, "Why do you have 3 penguins in your trunk? I will give you a warning for your tail light only if you take them to the zoo immediately!" "Ok, ok right away," replied the blond.
The next day the cop sees the same car driving with the same tail light broken. So the cop pulls over the blond again. He approaches the car and hears rumbling from the truck again. "Miss, open your trunk!" The blond confusingly opens the trunk and there are 3 penguins with sun glasses on. "Ma'am, I told you specifically to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday. Why do you still have them?"
The blond said, "What do you want, I took them zoo and now I'm taking them to the beach."

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A Priest and a Golfer

A Priest and a Golfer go out golfing. on the first hole the Golfer tee's up and hits the ball way to the left. He yells "God dammit mother fucker son of a bitch i missed". the Priest turns to him and says "my son you should not use the lords name in vein, so the Golfer apologized. The next hole the Golfer tee's up again, hits the ball, and the ball hits a tree. Once again he yells "God dammit mother fucker son of a bitch i missed." The Priest says "I'm warning you my son God will get angry." The Golfer shrugs it off and moves on. So on the third hole the Golfer tee's up once more and hits the ball deep into a lake and screams at the top of his lungs "God Dam-." Cutting him off a bolt of lightning strikes down from the sky killing the Priest. In fear the Golfer looks to the sky and hears, "God Dammit mother fucker son of a bitch i missed."

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Oral sex caused Michael Douglas's throat cancer; Surgeon General orders that vaginas be tattooed with cancer warning.

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued with his farm. About an hour later, the farmer spotted a very hairy man, with little beady red eyes hiding behind a bush at the edge of the forest. At first the farmer was worried for his life, but noticed how this forest man did not move, but just stared at the farmer. The farmer thought maybe this forest man is not dangerous, maybe he could make friends with him.

The farmer cautiously approached the forest man (who was still hiding behind the bush), pointed at his farm and said "farm", he point at himself and said "farmer" then pointed at his hoe and said "farming".

The forest man did not move.

The farmer got a little closer to him, and again, pointed at his farm and said "farm", pointed at himself and said "farmer", then pointed at his hoe and said "farming".

The forest man remained behind his bush.

The farmer, feeling bold, got even closer, and repeated with his actions "farm", "farmer", "farming".

This time the forest man got up and pointed at the forest behind him and said "forest", he pointed at himself and said "forest man", he pointed at the bush and said "taking a shit".

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For the Canadians (Warning: Offensive)

How do you kill a fox with one leg?
Make him run across Canada.

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What did one friend say to another on a flight that made him get escorted off of it? (WARNING: PUNNY AS HELL)

"Hi Jack! These airplanes are da bomb!"


how did i do? thought of it a couple days ago.

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Warning: Immature joke

Why did Sally fall of the swings?

Because she has no arms

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Not Sally

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[Warning: A little fucked up] What's the difference between a baby and a steak?

You don't have to tenderize steak to keep it from screaming in the oven.

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Having sex with the teacher

Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,

"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best warning jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about warning. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty warning gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these warning jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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