Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Bartender: Hey
Horse: Yes please
This actually just happened.
Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.
Son: I-8
Me: I haven't ate... I'm hungry
Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10
Me: Grammar Nazi.
I didn't know it was a warning.
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
Will make your car look fucking stupid
They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.
"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"
Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.
"Do you see that neighbourhood there?"
"Yes"
"I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"
The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.
"Do you see the big tree over there?"
"Yes"
"Well fuck! I didn't!"
Police Let It Go With A Warning
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.
At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"
Because swift never misses.
Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hi dad"
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"
Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,
"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."
My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old.
I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYY!!??". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it.
Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
A: They never get old.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
It was his wife urgently warning him: Honey, I just heard on the news that there's some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!
It's worse than that, said the man, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!
Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back
Police let it go with a warning
Police let it go with a warning.
...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.
If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.
It's spam!
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened
the cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."
the cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."
the man says, "officer, I don't have my equipment with me, I had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back some flares from his car and lights them.
the juggler immediately starts throwing them up and catching them, and the officer is very impressed.
meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. the officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"
the man replies, his words slurred, "i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"
But at least I can say things like "Hey Dad", and "Thanks for the warning Officer!".
Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.
In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
But I can say things like, "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad".
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "
But at least we can say things like "Hey, Dad" or "Thanks for the warning, Officer."
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *Poof*. I was gone without a Tres.
...I console myself because I can say other things like "Hi Dad." And "Thanks for the warning officer."
and stopped littering
A couple wants some private time, but their flat is small and they can't guarantee that their young son won't be able to hear them. In the end they come up with a plan- every time they want to make love they tell their son to stand out on the balcony and describe everything he sees (this way they get warning when he's about to come back in). So one evening the kid stands on the balcony and says "It's dark and the stars are out. I can see orion! A lot of the flats have their lights on. There's a man walking his dog, the Johnsons are having sex..."
The couple leap out of bed "what?! How can you tell that the Johnsons are having sex?"
"I can see little Timmy Johnson standing out on their balcony."
Heard this from some friends, thought I'd post this here.
On a very dark night, a Captain of a battleship saw a light headed on a collision course.
He sent a warning message: "Change your course 15 degrees East!". He receives the reply: "You change your course 15 degrees West!".
Annoyed he sends another message: "I am a Navy Captain, now change your course!". He receives another reply: "I'm a seaman 2nd class, I suggest you change your course, sir!".
Angry, the captain sends another message: "I am a battleship! I will not change course!". Again he receives another reply: "I'm a light house! Your call.".
Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina.
That night, while the three knights are guarding the princess' bedroom, one knight enters the room. a couple of minutes later, a scream is heard from the room, and the knight walks out, writhing in pain. The second knight walks in to the room also, and once again, within a couple of minutes, a cry is heard, and the knight falls out of the room, screeching out of pure agony. Finally, the third knight walks in, and again, a scream is heard, and the knight walks out crying like a baby.
The next morning, the king approaches the knights outside of the bedroom, and asks the first knight "Did you sleep with my daughter last night?" The knight replied "No." The king then ordered the man's pants to be dropped, and upon seeing the knight's sliced penis, ordered him to be taken away and executed. The king repeated to the second knight, "Did *you* sleep with my daughter?" The second knight owned up and said, "Yes." The king ordered the man to be executed immediately. The king then said to the third knight, "Did you attempt to sleep with my daughter?" and the knight opened his mouth, and said "I wpluod nefew twi to fwuk yow dertur."
... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
"...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."
Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
I just installed it and now all the horny singles in my area have suddenly lost interest
In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!
P.S. - You can buy wallets for 99p at Poundstretchers.
A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Warning: Offensive
Harry got out of the chamber.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
Guys who rub me the wrong way often find themselves in a very sticky situation.
"THANK YOU SO MUCH OFFIC----"
"April Fools....sign here."
But I can say things like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi, Dad."
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
Officer stops a Harley for speeding so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer just walks away...
It's a booby trap
AIDS
The office saunters up to his car and he rolls down the window.
"I've heard every excuse for speeding in the book. I bet you can't give me one I haven't heard. But if you do, I'll let you off with a warning."
The man replies.
"Well you see officer, few years back my wife went and ran off with a state trooper."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, when I saw your lights turn on I was afraid you fellas was coming to give her back!"
He heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Darling, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway, please be careful!"
He replied, "There's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!"
So this good ol' boy walks into a bar in East Texas and there's an African-American gentleman tending bar. The good ol' boy says: "Hey nigger, get me a whiskey sour and don't Jew me on the whiskey!"
The bartender says: "Sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language in here, now ask me politely, and you'll get your drink."
"Fuck you, coon!" says the redneck, "I ain't gonna have no porch monkey tell me what to do, now get me my fuckin' whiskey sour!"
The bartender snaps: "Hey man, that shit is absolutely uncalled for in this day and age. How would you like it if this was your bar and I came in here and abused you and threw racial epithets around like that!?"
The redneck just shrugs.
"Well, let's fuckin' try it, then! See how you like it!" says the bartender. "Get back behind here!"
The redneck gets behind the bar, and the black guy goes outside. A moment later, he comes back in yelling:
"Hey, you honkey ass cracker motherfucker! Get me a beer and a shot of bourbon now before I bust a cap in your pencil-dick, faggoty white ass!"
The redneck looks up from the bar and says: "We don't serve niggers."
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags.
One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, heavens no!" she said.
"My yard backs up to the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms.
So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
But he got off with a warning.
Don't their gators make a ticking sound as they approach?
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again!
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M40. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said George. "It's hundreds of them!"
Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a may cause cancer warning label on it.
Always wear small bells warning of your approach to avoid alarming the bears so they do not become aggressive. Additionally, carry pepper spray for your defense. You can tell you are in Grizzly bear country by their scat or poop. Grizzly bear scat is easily identified because it smells like pepper and has small bells in it.
Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.
I don't get it.
I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left
So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"
And throw Donald Trump out of the plane
A man (Bill) walks into a bar, and takes a ten-inch pianist out of his pocket, and puts it on the bar. The Pianist then starts to play Mozart's 7th perfectly. Another man (Jim) walks up to Bill and says, "Wow, that's amazing! where'd you get him?" Bill says, "There's this genie down the street that will grant you one wish, but just a warning, he's a little hard of hearing". Jim then goes to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." suddenly a million ducks fall from the sky. Jim says to the genie, "I wished for a million BUCKS, not ducks!" The genie just shrugs, and walks back into his house. Jim then goes back to the bar, and says to Bill, "I wished for a million bucks, but all I got was a million ducks!" Bill says, "Well ya. Do you really think I wished for a ten-inch pianist."
But at least we can say phases like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad."
On the first hole, the priest gets a hole in one.
The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too.
He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole.
"Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer.
"Sir, if you say that one more time, God will strike you down." warns the priest.
They keep playing and soon the golfer forgets the priests warning.
On the 18th hole, the priest gets another hole-in-one.
Naturally the golfer tries to get one well.
He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole.
"Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer.
"Sir, I warned you!" growls the priest.
Dark storm clouds gather, a giant hand extends from the sky. Lightning flashes!
When the world returns to normal, the golfer looks next to him and sees a little pile of ash where the priest was.
And, up in heaven, god yells:"Damn it! I missed!"
I would have 2 dollars.
One day during the war, Hitler gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But Hitler, vhy ze three hamsters". Hitler smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"
A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.
The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...".
After a long night at performing at a local restaurant, an accordion player goes to have a few late night drinks. He drives up to the bar and goes inside. After finishing his first drink, he realizes he left his car unlocked! He rushed outside, opened the trunk of his car.....but it was too late....a 2nd accordion was already there!
This car with a black guy, white guy, and Asian guy in it was speeding. In a few minutes they got pulled over. The cop said, "If we add all you penis sizes together, and it is exactly 16 inches, I'll let you guys off with a warning." The black guy pulls his pants down and has an 8 inch penis. Next is the white guy, he pulls his pants down and he has a 6 inch penis. Next is the Asian. He pull his pants down, and he has a 2 inch penis. After the cop lets them go, the Asian says, "Man, you guys are lucky I had a boner!"
The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things
Upon answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"
Nuttin'
He limped the car to the nearest garage. The mechanic said it may take a while to fix and so to come back later.
So the penguin went out and took in the sights. Whilst he was there he decided to get an ice cream. However, only having flippers, he couldn't hold the ice cream very well and made a mess as he tried to eat it.
Later, the penguin goes back to the mechanic. He looks up at the penguin and says "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no" replied the penguin, "this is just ice cream!"
But I can say "thank you for the warning officer.."
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
Do not open it, it's just Spam.
Since the cop was almost done and just wanted to go back to the station he told the driver
**Cop**: if you can give me an excuse i have never heard before to explain why you were speeding, I will let you off with a warning instead of aticket....
The man thinks for a moment then replies:
**man**: sir my wife left me last year for another man
confused the cop says
**Cop**: what does that have to do with your speed?
**Man**: well sir, my wife ran off with a police officer, when I saw your lights, I was scared you were bringing her back.
With a smile the cop says
**Cop**: have a nice day sir.
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".
Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.
A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.
"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"
The farmer shrugged and continued with his farm. About an hour later, the farmer spotted a very hairy man, with little beady red eyes hiding behind a bush at the edge of the forest. At first the farmer was worried for his life, but noticed how this forest man did not move, but just stared at the farmer. The farmer thought maybe this forest man is not dangerous, maybe he could make friends with him.
The farmer cautiously approached the forest man (who was still hiding behind the bush), pointed at his farm and said "farm", he point at himself and said "farmer" then pointed at his hoe and said "farming".
The forest man did not move.
The farmer got a little closer to him, and again, pointed at his farm and said "farm", pointed at himself and said "farmer", then pointed at his hoe and said "farming".
The forest man remained behind his bush.
The farmer, feeling bold, got even closer, and repeated with his actions "farm", "farmer", "farming".
This time the forest man got up and pointed at the forest behind him and said "forest", he pointed at himself and said "forest man", he pointed at the bush and said "taking a shit".
Whats the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?
One comes home from camp, the other doesn't
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, What was that?
The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing!
The girl slapped him soundly.
What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek.
Customer feedback.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
The ramifications can go on forever
CHECK CZECH CHEQUES
The size of their clock.
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
Agent : we have evidence that Marijuana crops may have been planted on your property. May I have a look around?
Farmer : sure, just stay off the back 40 acres.
Agent : slightly perturbed, holds up his badge. "You see this badge? It means I can go anywhere I please.
Farmer : yeah, but I'm warning you, don't go back there.
So naturally the first place the agent goes is the back 40, a few minutes later the agent comes running out with a 1400 pound bull chasing him.
At which the farmer yells "show him your badge".
It says "Warning! Choking hazard...small parts."
My 11-year-old grandson spent
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!
His reply: I can only dream.
(warning: sexist joke. I do not mean to offend)
When God created woman,
she had not two breasts but three.
When the middle one got in the way
God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God with the middle breast in hand.
She said "What do we do with the useless boob?"
So God created Man.
I went to the corner shop earlier to get some cigarettes.
The shopkeeper handed me a packet. The warning on it said, Smokers Die Younger .
I said, No, not this one. My parents wouldn't like that.
He handed me another. The warning on it said, Smoking Causes Cancer .
I said, No, not this one either. My doctor wouldn't like that.
He handed me another. The warning on it said, Smoking Can Damage The Sperm And Causes Infertility .
I said, I'll take this one. I don't think that sock under my bed really gives a fuck.
What's better than winning a medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being a fucking retard!
Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling
He orders a beer and sits down. As he's waiting, he pulls out a revolver without warning and fires at the fan standing in the corner. The bartender runs over, shocked. "What on earth do you think you're doing?!" he cries.
"Oh, you know," the cowboy drawls, "just shootin' the breeze."
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely, no accidents,which was a real surprise because..
I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
I decided to sleep on it.
Condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just gave a little wine
God gives them each some wings, with a warning that if they have even one bad thought, they'll lose their wings.
A little while goes by. The cop and firefighter are checking out heaven together. Then, a smoking hot girl walks by. The firefighter's wings fall off.
The firefighter bends over to pick up his wings, and the cop's wings fall off.
The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."
It's for a wedding son.
I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.
Exactly son.
Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?
They worked inter-mitten-ly
...is another person's spoiler alert.
Police are warning the public to read the ingredient list to avoid getting burned.
999 letsby avenue
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
The Confederates lose
That's either good or terrible
Will make your car look fucking ridiculous
When he realized, he started warning everyone:
"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."
The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into the bus and started running away. The old man picked the wallet.
Stunned by the incidence, a small kid walked to the man and asked,
"What happened in 1983, please."
The old man responded,
"In 1983, someone stole my wallet and I had to go hungry for three days."
when a cop pulls her over for the tail light being broken. The cop approaches the car when he hears rumbling from the truck. "What's in the trunk, please open it? Said the cop. So the blond reluctantly opens the truck and there are 3 penguins sitting there. The cop says, "Why do you have 3 penguins in your trunk? I will give you a warning for your tail light only if you take them to the zoo immediately!" "Ok, ok right away," replied the blond.
The next day the cop sees the same car driving with the same tail light broken. So the cop pulls over the blond again. He approaches the car and hears rumbling from the truck again. "Miss, open your trunk!" The blond confusingly opens the trunk and there are 3 penguins with sun glasses on. "Ma'am, I told you specifically to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday. Why do you still have them?"
The blond said, "What do you want, I took them zoo and now I'm taking them to the beach."
1.) Storing milk at room temperature
2.) Grandparents
3.) Black people in a movie theatre
Why are women like car parking spaces?
Because all the good ones are taken so sometimes you have to stick it in a disabled one.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
They turned him down.
That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.
So, These 2 explorers get captured by a bunch of natives down in africa, well theyre tied up to a stump outside the village when the chief walks up to the first guy an say " Death, or Bukka Bukka" well fuck, i dont wanna die. so bukka bukka. well the chief drags him into the middle of the village an walks back next to the stump, raises his hands and yells BUKKA BUKKA! well about 50 of the biggest, blackest natives come runnin out of their huts and start fucking this guy in every hole he owns. so seeing this the 2 guy says id rather die than that happen. well the chief drags him into the middle of the village raises his hands and yells DEATH, BY BUKKA BUKKA !
haha its my favorite joke of all time, my dad told me that one. damn i miss em.
I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it
Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.
Mrs Napolitano was not at all happy about her only daughter marrying a Greek fellow, particularly since she was only sixteen and hadn't dated anyone else, like some of the nice Italian fellows in the neighborhood.
But her daugher was in love with the guy, so what could she do?
So she gave her daughter her blessing and one warning: "If you're in bed with him, and he asks you to turn over, DON'T!". And the daughter promised she would remember, and NEVER turn over.
So fast forward about three months into the happy marriage and the couple are canoodling in bed when the husband says: "Honey, why don't you turn over now?"
But Mrs. Napolitano's daughter remembers her Mom's warning and says quite firmly "NO! I don't want to!"
Whereupon the husband says "I don't understand, honey - don't you want to have a baby?"
Meanwhile a column of cars are passing by and honking their horns.
"Dad why are they honking their horns?" asked the son.
"They are going to a wedding" responds the father
"But in school we learned that horns should be used only as a warning"
"Exactly..."
Experts say it was caused by a race condition.
Well, well, well...
Yes [DJ] = Dad Joke warning
It's honestly my dad's favorite joke.
It says:
Warning - May contain traces of nuts.
The odds are, they can't even
My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her, but when it arrived it was snake skin!
Anna conned her.
A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other in the back. Once on the road, the one in the back will take off her top and play with her boobs. The one in the passenger seat will ask he victim to pull over. Once the car stops, she goes down on him while her friend in the back steals the unsuspecting victims wallet.
My wallet was stolen this way on Monday, Wednesday and twice on Thursday so please be careful!
Snitches get glitches
Don't reply with, "Depends what it is..."
He said "This a passing lane only. Are you from around here?"
I said "No I'm just passing through."
He let me go with just a warning.
As the clerk hands the pack to him he says "you should really read the warning on them". "It says right here that smoking causes erectile dysfunction and highly increases your rate for impotence". The man looks at him in shock and says "can I just get the lung cancer ones".
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Warning? Well, here are the best jokes about Warning to have fun with.