Warned Jokes

What do women and Nvidia have in common? (offensive be warned)

They both do not make very good drivers

Bob and Jill (A Poem)

Bob and Jill love each other
Jill is soon to be a mother
They've known each other for a long time
But Jill was distraught when her boy wasn't fine
He came out all deformed
They should have listened when they were warned
Cause they were told when they started lovin
It wouldn't work, because they are cousins

A little girl went with her father to the barber to get his hair cut....

...and her father gave her a snack cake to keep her quiet.
As she she frolicked around the barber shop with it, the barber warned, "Little girl, you are going the get hair on your t**...!"
She replied, "I know! I'm gonna grow boobies too!"

The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics

You have been warned...
In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of v**...!

So the Polish guy found an ocean cruise for only $100...

His friend warned him that it was too good to be true, but he didn't listen. They sailed in the late afternoon, and right around dusk, someone conked him on the back of the head, took his wallet and dumped him overboard. Seeing a fellow passenger in the same predicament, he asked "Do they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The fellow replies "They didn't last year!"

A racist joke (be warned and don't take offense)

Why is it that you never see a black person on a cruise?
They're not falling for that one again..

Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned.

I started showing more interest in one of my investments.
It appreciated it.

So a blind man walks into a bar.

No one warned him.

Little Johnny at the playground

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Tianjin's disaster could have been prevented...

After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.

A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground

She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.

A friend of mine offered to tell me a joke using the UDP protocol, but then warned me I might not get it.

This one is a bit tasteless, so be warned.

Water

A dwarf who is a mystic escapes from jail.

The local authorities warned the people of a small medium at large

I got an email from a Mongolian king...

I got an email from a Mongolian king, promising me millions and everyone warned me it was a con, but I was like "Yeah guys, I know it's a Khan. That's what a king from Mongolia is called."

Two guys walk into a bar....

You would think the first guy would've warned the other.

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...

The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."
The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."
The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him. He should have warned us that might happen."

You've been warned

TO WHOEVER STOLE MY BROKEN BATHROOM SCALE.
YOU WON'T GET A WEIGH WITH THIS!

My parents always warned me about having s**... before marriage...

But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.

A father was reading a Bible story to his young children

He said:
The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
His son asked, What happened to the flea?

Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever)

The Galley!
Everything but the kitchen sinks.
^(I warned you)

"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my signature..

As the Lord gave his Revelations to man, he warned that the end times would be heralded in by trumpets.

"Trumpets, my Lord?"
"Yes, Trump/Pence."
"Got it, Trumpets."

A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today

Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling

a joke my teacher made in class

teacher:"(generic kid name) this is the forth time i have warned you!"
kid:"did you count how many times you warned me?"
teacher:"no, i just pick a random number and it sounds logical"
this was funnier in class and in Hebrew, i don't expect it to do good here.

Ms. Smith told little Timmy...

Little Timmy was making strange and contorted faces. Ms. Smith came up to him and told him she was told not to make funny faces or else it would stay like that. Little Timmy replied, "Well you were warned"

To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist t**... sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

NASA warned us not to stare at the eclipse, but i did it anyway

I cant see what they were so afraid of... At all...

Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole

I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

As I was walking along a city street, a man pulled a knife and tried to jump me. "I'll have you know, I've beaten off two men at once," I warned him. "I take on all comers!"

Anyway, we're dating now.

WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."

HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real

I wish my parents has warned me because my kids were really disappointed christmas morning

Billy makes faces at the other students

After seeing Billy make faces, Ms Smith stopped to tell Billy off. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was young, I was told if that I made ugly faces, I would stay like that when the wind changes." Billy looked up and said, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A man is walking through the forest when he discovers a gnome

If you step on a purple mushroom, you'll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world, warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn't step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: We have to get married.
Why? asked the man, smiling.
I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!

My wife keeps doing things that make me cross.

They warned me not to marry a chicken from the other side.

The Titanic

My grandfather knew from the beginning that the Titanic would sink. He warned everyone but no one would listen. He tried a few more times until he finally got kicked out of the cinema!

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema

When the kids said they were going to dig a hole to China . . .

I warned them that it would be boring.

My friend warned me that Mark Zuckerberg was the last person I should trust with my information

Literally and alphabetically

This guy tried to tell me a joke about Social Security...

I warned him ahead of time I probably won't get it.

One day I was playing...

I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before— like ... trees, grass, flowers, the sun—that was nice!

I was warned in November 2016...

People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.
Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!

My great grandfather got to see the Titanic

He told everyone it would sink, no one believed him. He said it again, they shut him up. For the last time, he warned everyone that it would sink. They have had enough and he got kicked out of the movie theatre.

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal a**... of the umpire: $10,000
Being warned for coaching: $4,000
Breaking her racket: $3,000
Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making o**... s**... jokes.

I said "That's hard to s**...."

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

My grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink, nobody wanted to listen.

They promptly kicked him out of the theater.

My great grandfather saw The Titanic and he warned everyone it would sink, but they all ignored him Time and time again he warned them

until they threw him out of the movie theater

Police have warned of a man in craft stores dipping his t**... in glitter.

It's pretty nuts.

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-
Wife: Shhh, say snake instead
Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit
Close one

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who's bra is this
NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

You've been warned

A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to be aware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

My grandfather warned the people that the Titanic would sink.......

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

But what he really wants ...

While my mother was pregnant with me, my parents warned my three-year-old brother not to get his heart set on either a brother or a sister, as they didn't know what I would be. He seemed to understand but added this caveat: "Well, if it's a dog, I hope it's a Boxer".

My parents allways warned me to never h**... through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

I was invited to a dinner the other night.

The host warned me ahead of time, "Just so you know, we only serve vegetarian dishes. I hope you're alright with that."
I told him, "Of course! I have no problem with vegetarian dishes. In fact, I prefer them. But for the sake of conscience I do prefer it if the vegetarians were free range and locally sourced."

My mum warned me not to steal any of her kitchen utensils. Little did she know..

it is a whisk i am willing to take...

My Grandad knew that The Titanic was going to sink.

He told every man, woman and child that the ship was going to sink.
They hushed him up.
He shouted "The ship is going to hit an iceberg and sink"
Stiĺl they tried to silence him.
He shouted even louder, "THE TITANIC IS GOING TO HIT A ICEBERG AND SINK!"
That was it! He'd been warned, so they threw him out of the cinema.

A preacher is warning sinners in the high street

"The end is nigh!" He shouts at passers-by. And a guy shouts back at him "Nigh!!"
This puts him off a bit, but he carries on. "Be warned al you sinners, for the end is nigh!". And again the guy behind him shouts "Nigh!!" even louder.
This carries on all day until the preacher snaps at the guy angrily, "why do you keep repeating me whenever I say nigh?"
And the guy replies, "well, it says in the bible doesn't it, a nigh for a nigh"

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach "

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".

Pretty dark you've been warned

Why does Obama give his speeches behind bullet proof glass? I know he's black and all but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the h**... he's waiting for. Chief radios back "The floor still isn't dry..."

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.

The kid kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics...
So I said," When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face I'd stay that way."
To that the little s**... replied " Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and i**....

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

I was warned at a restaurant that service would be slow because they were short staffed

But those midgets were really fast

My mother advised me not to marry an electrician

"Don't marry an electrician, he will take late night calls and plug himself into other women", my mother warned me.
"Don't marry a plumber either", she continued, "he will work on weekends and do other women's pipes".
"Don't marry a pizza boy neither. He will work on Friday nights and make other women pizzas"
And that's why I married an unemployed man!

My Grandpa saw the Titanic

From the very beginning, he warned everyone that the ship would sink. But nobody listen to him.
He was a brave man, he never gave up. He warn them again and again on many occasions... Until they kick him out from the cinema.

True quote from Tallulah Bankhead

Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never said a word about women and c**....

Blind Man

Two female privates are ordered to paint the general's office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, s**... off their clothes and get to work. An hour later, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask. "Blind man." Thinking nothing of it, the privates open up. "Hi," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

My Spanish wife always warned me about driving with her desserts between the front seats, but I never listened

Then one day the shift hit the flan

Germany has just warned its population of an upcoming susage and cheese shortage.

They are calling it the wurst käse scenario. 

(This one's a tad dark… you've been warned) What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people