Following is our collection of combat humor and armies one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include War puns for adults, dirty wartime jokes or clean warfare gags for kids.
There is an abundance of ww2 jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes on war. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any battlefield witze you can hear about war.
A 3rd World War.
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!
Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.
... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists
1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.
None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.
You realize you're a healthy young man
Tell them it's nearly finished.
"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
Start a war.
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
...General Lee speaking
I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.
Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.
Win the previous war.
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
... Would that be a third-world war?
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
But at least there won't be a world war 3.
Global warming started.
I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"
Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.
Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs
And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
In other news, it's Saturday.
Americans geography.
I want to wait for the dust to settle a bit.
A food fight.
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.
Only a few came out
while French people remove the red and blue colour
He's charged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
He doesn't work well with Vision
It was his biggest role to date.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
Because then World War 3 would never happen
The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'
There will never be a World War 3.
Seoul-crushing
Now it's considered kid stuff.
He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.
Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.
One day, Hitler is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks Hitler, clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies Hitler, "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says Hitler, "then send two divisions."
The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.
- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn't eat meat.
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"
I did, and the predictions came true!
Homiecide
said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"
A nuclear detergent
Its way easier in a third world country.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.