Did you ever wanted to prank someone about War? Well here is a complete list of the top war jokes:
A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
Horse: Yes please
Start a war.
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"
And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
👍🏼Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
👍🏼During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"
"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."
A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want us to have juice in our house."
So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?
Vietnom nom nom nom
👍🏼(I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this)
Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war.
Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
Player1: My god that's awful...
Player2: Yea, he fell down from the guardtower.
Player1 has left the game
In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."
and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
👍🏼One day during the war, Hitler gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But Hitler, vhy ze three hamsters". Hitler smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"
👍🏼France surrenders just in case
👍🏼Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
Student answers: 'A whip'
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
👍🏼...between skeletons and secret gays.
👍🏼What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A veterinarian
👍🏼Stop wearing low rise jeans.
👍🏼The blondes were throwing hand grenades, and the brunettes were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
👍🏼He said, "Cold War Russia."
👍🏼What's better than winning a medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being a fucking retard!
Fred and Bob were sitting in an old people's home.
"Fred," says Bob, "Do you remember those pills they gave us back in the war to stop us being interested in girls?"
"Oh yes," chuckles Fred, "I'd forgotten about them. Never did much good, did they!"
"Well, I don't know," replies Bob. "I was just thinking that they might be starting to work."
Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling
👍🏼Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we butt-fuck you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed Nazis shot me to death."
Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if that's Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes.The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. "We're planning world war 3" says Stalin. "We're going to kill 14 million Jews and 1 bike repair man" says Hitler. "Why the bike repair man?" The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin "See? i told you no one would ask about the Jews"
👍🏼Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what's your secret?
During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.
I meant about your age.
Ah… Eating healthy.
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."
👍🏼A: French War Heroes.
Worried about losing the war he asks the fortune teller,
I want to know when I'm going to die.
The fortune teller sits in a long silence and finally she replies,
I do not know the exact day that you will die, but I can see that you will die on a Jewish holiday.
To which Hitler enraged says,
No! That cannot be true. How is that possible?
Because any die that you die, says the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.
I said "Cold War Russia."
👍🏼Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"
All the juice was put in concentrate camps
👍🏼To get away from the oboe solo.
👍🏼So a Homo is talking to his friend, pitching him an idea for a new musical he came up with. Upon finishing his pitch, his friend looks at him and exclaims "Wow! Its brilliant!". Homo looks at him and says, "Well, I am a genus!"
A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do.
After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, I'm done.
The man asked, How did you get done so fast?
The lady said, It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it's a Ferrarri not a Porsche.
being able to suck your own cock doesn't impress employers when they're looking for flexibility.
👍🏼A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.
👍🏼A general reads War and Peace another soldier asked him how he liked it "liked the first half, hated the second. " he said
👍🏼But he didn't know what was at steak.
👍🏼Well-Armed
👍🏼My GF: IDK, a war?
Me: An aquarium
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
You've red some of the best war jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about war. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty war gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these war jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.
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