war Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious war stories

What are the best war puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about War? Well here is a complete list of the top war jokes:

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

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The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

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A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

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Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

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A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

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Warning: This movie may contain nudity.

Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.

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German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"

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Hitler asked his portrait

"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."

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A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our FΓΌhrer does not want us to have juice in our house."

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British ship

So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?

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What is cookie monsters favorite war?

Vietnom nom nom nom

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WW2 joke. I read this conversation between two Counter-Strike players ingame...

(I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this)

Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war.

Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.

Player1: My god that's awful...

Player2: Yea, he fell down from the guardtower.

Player1 has left the game

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A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."

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So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

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Best Read with a German Accent (Warning: Holocaust Joke)

One day during the war, Hitler gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But Hitler, vhy ze three hamsters". Hitler smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"

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North Korea threatens to start nuclear war

France surrenders just in case

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A joke from Civil War History Class today

Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

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warning sign on children's alphabet blocks

Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

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Somewhere, there is a turf war going on...

...between skeletons and secret gays.

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Warning: a punny joke

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?


Outlaws are wanted.

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What do you call a Nazi who survived the war?

A veterinarian

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Support the war on crack.

Stop wearing low rise jeans.

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Did you hear about the war between the blondes and the brunettes?

The blondes were throwing hand grenades, and the brunettes were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

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I asked my friend, "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"

He said, "Cold War Russia."

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Warning: Not for the easily offended!!!

What's better than winning a medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being a fucking retard!

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Two old men

Fred and Bob were sitting in an old people's home.

"Fred," says Bob, "Do you remember those pills they gave us back in the war to stop us being interested in girls?"

"Oh yes," chuckles Fred, "I'd forgotten about them. Never did much good, did they!"

"Well, I don't know," replies Bob. "I was just thinking that they might be starting to work."

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(warning racist and horrible humor, NSFW) How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia?

Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling

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A Russian World War II veteran

Is telling his grandchildren:

"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we butt-fuck you, or we shoot you..."

"And what happened, grandpa?"

"The cursed Nazis shot me to death."

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Hitler and Stalin

Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if that's Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes.The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. "We're planning world war 3" says Stalin. "We're going to kill 14 million Jews and 1 bike repair man" says Hitler. "Why the bike repair man?" The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin "See? i told you no one would ask about the Jews"

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An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what's your secret?

During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.

I meant about your age.

Ah… Eating healthy.

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One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."

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Q: What's the shortest book ever written?

A: French War Heroes.

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Hitler goes to visit a fortune teller

Worried about losing the war he asks the fortune teller,
I want to know when I'm going to die.

The fortune teller sits in a long silence and finally she replies,
I do not know the exact day that you will die, but I can see that you will die on a Jewish holiday.

To which Hitler enraged says,
No! That cannot be true. How is that possible?

Because any die that you die, says the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.

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My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

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Two Germans in London

Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"

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Why did the Germans have a vitamin C deficiency during World War II?

All the juice was put in concentrate camps

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(Warning:lame music joke. I just came back from a classicical music concert) Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the oboe solo.

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Warning: Bad Biology Puns

So a Homo is talking to his friend, pitching him an idea for a new musical he came up with. Upon finishing his pitch, his friend looks at him and exclaims "Wow! Its brilliant!". Homo looks at him and says, "Well, I am a genus!"

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Be wary of the chore of painting . . .

A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do.

After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, I'm done.

The man asked, How did you get done so fast?

The lady said, It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it's a Ferrarri not a Porsche.

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Warning

being able to suck your own cock doesn't impress employers when they're looking for flexibility.

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Talking to women

A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.

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A general reads War and Peace

A general reads War and Peace another soldier asked him how he liked it "liked the first half, hated the second. " he said

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Asians are so bad at driving, I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

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A cow went to war...

But he didn't know what was at steak.

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How does an octopus go to war?

Well-Armed

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Me: The place with more tanks?

My GF: IDK, a war?

Me: An aquarium

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War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

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Q: Why do Soviet soldiers always miss?
A: They have terrible Marxmanship.

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"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."Β 
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best war jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about war. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty war gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these war jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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