The Best 75 War Jokes

Following is our collection of funny War jokes. There are some war armies jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these war warfare puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest War Jokes and Puns

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.

Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.

But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.

The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.

The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.

What is it son? ask the priest.

The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets .

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure , the general replied.

jokes about war

What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.


Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain.

Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

You can explore war combat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean war wartime dad jokes. There are also war puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

If France and Italy go to war, who would win?

None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.


Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.

The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, Β‘Muchas gracias, seΓ±or!

What's the difference between the China Virus and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"

At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well... you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now."

So the man went home and his wife said "Were they out of sugar?"

And he said, "Yes! And also bullets!"

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose


Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.

Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…

Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?

The other man says, You mean the rose?

His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!

He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.


Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

A Russian comes home after fishing trip

A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:

"We are at war with NATO!"

"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"

"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.

"And NATO?"

"NATO hasn't showed up yet."

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them?

So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

An old war general is at a banquet by himself

A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had sex"
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have sex and she is amazed how good he is. After sex she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"

Hitler calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.



Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.



His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…



Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?



The other man says, You mean the rose?



His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!



He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other...

... Would that be a third-world war?

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds

I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

Calling a friend in Ukraine

Hi, what is going on ?:

Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.

And how does it look like ?

Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.

And NATO ?

Did not arrive yet.

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler.

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.

Thor

Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.

Stalin said one word, "Moscow."

Hitler, after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."

Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

Before starting World War 3

The Russians should consider finishing World War 1 and upgrading their weapons

War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

North Korea is calling for war.

In other news, it's Saturday.

Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.

Only a few came out

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

A man went to confession (again)

"Forgive me, father", he said. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."


"Well, that is not a sin," said the priest


"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."


"That is not at all proper, but your lives were at risk, so you are forgiven."


"Thank you, father. But may I ask you another question?"


"Of course you can."


"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

I want to talk about Infinity War spoilers but...

I want to wait for the dust to settle a bit.

What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself

He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"

(edit - typo)

Valve should be in charge of the UN...

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us? Stalin gives him the advice: Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue. Why blue? asks Vladimir Putin.

I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the first part, chuckles Stalin.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the war ww2 puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working war battlefield piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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