War Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

If France and Italy go to war, who would win?

None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them?

So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other...

... Would that be a third-world war?

An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker in behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere" The principal turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers where in Messerschmidts"

I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler.

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.

Thor

Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

During the war, an enemy soldier captures 3 nuns..

.He says that as revenge he'll rape all of them.

Young nun requested: Please spare the older nun.


Old nun : Shut up you Bitch! War is war.

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

North Korea is calling for war.

In other news, it's Saturday.

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war...

The Librarian says, "Fuck off, you lost the last 2 you had"

I want to talk about Infinity War spoilers but...

I want to wait for the dust to settle a bit.

What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

Valve should be in charge of the UN...

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.

Only a few came out

I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I'm fighting a war on 2 fronts

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

A man balks in a war

He's charged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....

-That's understandable grandpa... You were scared. What happened next?

-No... I mean I shat my pants right fucking now.

[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

Why would Gabe Newell be a good president?

Because then World War 3 would never happen

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

I vote Gabe Newell for president.

There will never be a World War 3.

What would war with Korea be like?

Seoul-crushing

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.

I was on holiday in Belgium...

Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

Hitler is in his Bunker

One day, Hitler is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks Hitler, clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies Hitler, "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says Hitler, "then send two divisions."

There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

They helped.

Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.

- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn't eat meat.

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

What do you call a fatality that results from friendly fire in a gang war?

Homiecide

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"

What do you call a Tide Pod that prevents war?

A nuclear detergent

What are the funniest war jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about War? Well, here are the best War puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny War pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes