War Jokes
178 war jokes and hilarious war puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about war that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Did you know that some of the best war jokes around are about the French? From puns about the French Revolution to jabs about French combat strategies, these war jokes about the French are sure to get a laugh. Find out more about these jokes, plus jokes about the Civil War, Star Wars, and more.
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Funniest War Short Jokes
Short war jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The war humour may include short warfare jokes also.
- Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney world and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
- A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
Credit to u/DrDerpberg - My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after star wars characters... My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
- Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a broadway musical.
- Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain. Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea river
- The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
- How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
- My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against vietnam It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
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War One Liners
Which war one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with war? I can suggest the ones about civil war and conflict.
- Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8 In charge of planning Yoda was
- Two countries go to war... Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.
- What would happen if two African countries get in a war? A 3rd World War.
- My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D... ... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
- Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7.
- Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said
- How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.
- Just found out Chuck Norris had a cameo in Star Wars... he played The Force
- Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2 Save up to $2160 by not buying it
- All this talk of trade wars... It's just Tariffying
- Who plays Han Solo in the Norwegian version of Star Wars? Harrison Fjord!
- Why did the Cold War end? Global warming started.
- What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!
- War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- North Korea is calling for war. In other news, it's Saturday.
Infinity War Jokes
Here is a list of funny infinity war jokes and even better infinity war puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I want to talk about Infinity War spoilers but... I want to wait for the dust to settle a bit.
- [Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film? It was his biggest role to date.
- (Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine. Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.
- I watched the new Infinity War movie yesterday... I was Loki dying in the beginning
- Just saw the new infinity wars trailer today and to me, it was pretty obvious who's dying. Well, so long, DC.
- [Spoilers] I finally watched Avengers: Infinity War It was alright. Probably give a 5/10. The first half was great, but the other half just kind of fell apart in the end.
- In Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos absolutely went crazy. He snapped.
- Where was Drax in Avengers : Infinity War? I saw his name in the credits and heard his voice sometimes, but why wasn't he in the movie?
- Which app does Thanos use to communicate with half of the universe? (Infinity War Spoilers) Snapchat
- Every one dies in Infinity War Me: You don't know the half of it
War Ii Jokes
Here is a list of funny war ii jokes and even better war ii puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
- My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
- ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
- What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II? Your credit card.
- My Grandfather once told me about how he fought bravely in World War II, so I asked him how many years he served for the U.S. He replied "Nein."
- Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed? Mussolini, because he was the fascist
- So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
- My grandparents fought during World War II. They ended up getting a divorce.
- What did the child say after World War II ended? "Look, ma! No Hans!"
- Why did World War II last so long? Because the USSR kept Stalin.
German War Jokes
Here is a list of funny german war jokes and even better german war puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war. The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'
- I was on holiday in Belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied. - What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war? A veteranaryan.
- TIL during World War Two, a cheese factory in France was bombed by the Germans. De brie was everywhere!
- What was the common understanding between the French and German generals during World War I? *You win Somme, you lose Somme."*
- How did Russia win the second World War? By stalin' the german advance
- How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938? They wrote them a Czech.
- WW3 due to Ukraine The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.
They've never won a World War yet. - Why did the Germans have a vitamin C deficiency during World War II? All the juice was put in concentrate camps
- Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans? We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.
War End Jokes
Here is a list of funny war end jokes and even better war end puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won? Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin
- [SPOILER] Ending of Civil War. Lincoln gets killed at the end.
- I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed "I am your Father"
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end. - End of the World: Stock up on Staples. My Mom: Do you think this War is the end? Do you think we should stock up on staples?
My Dad: I don't think there will be that much paperwork. - No one likes me telling jokes about the Civil War... I always end up getting Stonewalled.
- How do vegetables end a war? Ap*pea*sement
- What do you call it when obese statesmen end a war during tea time? Peace of Cake.
- NASCAR got rid of the confederate flag from race tracks Another true end to race wars.
- Do you know exactly what Darth Vader did at the end of Star Wars... He Overthrew the Emperor
- The wife and I joined opposite ends of a tug of war It's created a lot of tension between us
Civil War Jokes
Here is a list of funny civil war jokes and even better civil war puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
- Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
- Why did the French have so many civil wars? So they can win once in a while
- Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War? He doesn't work well with Vision
- Civil war jokes are the worst I General Lee don't find them funny at all.
- So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War... I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
- Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War. I just General Lee don't get them.
- What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war? Morgan.
- Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
- I can't believe AntMan and Spider-Man are in civil war. That really bugs me.
Amusing War Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about war you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean invade jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make war pranks.
War
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?
A Finnish joke from the Cold War
During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.
He replied first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets .
The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.
We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure , the general replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**
Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS
... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists
Any more oxymorons?
* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty
Two old jews are talking in Odessa.
-What's the news?
-Have you not heard? There is a war!
-who is fighting?
-Russia says it is at war with NATO.
-How's is it going?
-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.
-and NATO?
-NATO hasn't shown up yet.
Cr
If France and Italy go to war, who would win?
None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.
Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until
You realize you're a healthy young man
Pick a super power
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.
A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran
A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.
The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, ¡Muchas gracias, señor!
What's the difference between the China Virus and the Vietnam War?
Trump dodged the Vietnam War.
What is the purpose of war?
"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain
Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.
So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is s**...! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"
At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well... you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now."
So the man went home and his wife said "Were they out of sugar?"
And he said, "Yes! And also bullets!"
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
Gender Equality
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other
France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose
An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II
An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."
The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."
"That is correct. How did you recognize it?"
"Because it looks so human."
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Old Finnish WW2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....
...General Lee speaking
I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.
I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The only thing round earthers have to fear...
...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.
A Russian comes home after fishing trip
A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:
"We are at war with NATO!"
"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"
"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.
"And NATO?"
"NATO hasn't showed up yet."
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old war general is at a banquet by himself
A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had s**..."
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have s**... and she is amazed how good he is. After s**... she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other...
... Would that be a third-world war?
People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.
I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.
I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.
I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roses are red, Violets are blue
h**... blew an 11 country lead during World War 2
Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yogurt and penicillin? One side is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.
They're calling it a culture war.
Calling a friend in Ukraine
Hi, what is going on ?:
Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.
And how does it look like ?
Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.
And NATO ?
Did not arrive yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to h**....
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to h**.... h**... was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor
Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs
In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A World War 2 joke
Stalin and h**... died and were recieved in h**... by Satan.
Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in h**... for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .
While waiting, h**... got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.
Stalin said one word, "Moscow."
h**..., after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."
Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."
A frenchman walks into a library
And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
Before starting World War 3
The Russians should consider finishing World War 1 and upgrading their weapons
Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.
Only a few came out
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself
He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"
(edit - typo)
Valve should be in charge of the UN...
It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.
The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war
while French people remove the red and blue colour
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.
Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us? Stalin gives him the advice: Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue. Why blue? asks Vladimir Putin.
I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the first part, chuckles Stalin.
A man balks in a war
He's charged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.
Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...
They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
Why would Gabe Newell be a good president?
Because then World War 3 would never happen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...
One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."
How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?
"Do you know what day I'm going to die?"
Of course.
"Well, what day am I going to die?"
Sir, you are going to die on a Jewish holiday.
"Mein gott! That's terrible. What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
Any day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.
Now it's considered kid stuff.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What would war with Korea be like?
Seoul-crushing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?
He was one of the heroes who fought in the t**... War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.
Don't joke about the war...
I told my friend that my grandfather died in the war.
He said "I am sorry to hear. How did he die?"
I said "One night there was a drunken party, and he fell off a guard tower!"
An old man sitting behind us interrupted. "You shouldn't joke about these things. It's offensive. My father actually died in the war."
I felt really bad, and apologized. "You're right it was insensitive of me. I'm sorry about your father, how did he die?"
He replied "One night there was a drunken party, and he was walking past a guard tower..."
