Turns out my parents weren't even related.
Nobody's laughing now.
She always wanted a girl :(
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
Just wanted to make that clear.
Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
But I couldn't find a manual.
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Well they're not laughing now!
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France
Sorry, wrong thread
He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
I think she really wanted a girl.
So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.
But she screamed when I brought her one.
Well, no one is laughing now.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
So I dumped her.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
So I took a photo of her hair!
and she wanted me to drive
-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
He's wanted dead and alive
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
He just wanted to be transparent with me
I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
So I got her nothing
She always wanted a girl.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.
well no ones laughing now.
..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
I wanted my first time to be special.
..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.
...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.
Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)
so I had to pull some strings.
They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself
I told him I'd be down with that.
They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
But they'll see, they'll all see.
My dream school turned me down.
So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.
My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"
I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"
We have collected gags that can be used as Wanted pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Wanted, here are one liners and funny Wanted pick up lines.