Wanted Jokes

Following is our collection of hoped humor and did one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Wanted puns for adults, dirty valentines jokes or clean today gags for kids.

There is an abundance of gave jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes on wanted. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any want witze you can hear about wanted.

The Best jokes about Wanted

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender

I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."


I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.


As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.


Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

My mom used to tuck me in at night...

I think she really wanted a girl.

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now.

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.

I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

My dad came out to me today and told me he now identifies as a woman

He just wanted to be transparent with me

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing

As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night

She always wanted a girl.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Person asked me If I wanted to have a threesome

I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded.

I wanted my first time to be special.

I wanted to have a threesome..

..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.

My friend drowned. So at his funeral...

...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.

After all...It's what he would have wanted.

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period...

so I had to pull some strings.

I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that.

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

I wanted to make my racing snail faster..

So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"

Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

My friend wanted to know how I got all my 'karma'

I simply replied piece of cake

My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes