Turns out my parents weren't even related.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Nobody's laughing now.
She always wanted a girl :(
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."
I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."
The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."
Just wanted to make that clear.
Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Oh well then it must be your feet.
Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
The first woman went to the store, bought the man new clothes, new furniture, and new electronics for his man cave. The man was impressed.
The second woman put the money in the bank, to show how responsible and thrifty she was. Again, the man was impressed.
The third woman invested the money and turned the $10,000 into $20,000. Again, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a moment about how each woman had handled the money, and then he married the one with the largest boobs.
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.
"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.
The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."
"And?" She asks.
"And I did!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
Well, it's what he would have wanted.
But I couldn't find a manual.
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Well they're not laughing now!
They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.
"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"
Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.
"Do you see that neighbourhood there?"
"Yes"
"I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"
The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.
"Do you see the big tree over there?"
"Yes"
"Well fuck! I didn't!"
She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years
.When asked why he answered, If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would have finished second.
Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, second reason.
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am better in bed than you.
Madam's face swelled with rage.
Madam: Did my husband say that?!
Maid: No the driver told me.
Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France
So I was making soda in my Soda Stream for some friends that were over. For those that don't know a soda stream is a little c02 pump you get at target that carbonates water for you. Anyways, you're only supposed to pump it like 4-5 times. I wanted it super fizzy so I was pumping it way more than that. One of my friends goes "It's not going to get any fizzier" to which i said "trust me it will, what are you a fucking physicist?" Everyone started giggling. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. They all thought i made a clever play on the word physicist (fizz-icist), but I didn't. After I realized they thought that I just went with it. That's now my go to soda joke.
Sorry, wrong thread
and fell in a river.
-
three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.
-
The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it.
-
The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so.
-
The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine".
-
The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."
My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
...
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)
First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."
So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."
Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.
"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
I think she really wanted a girl.
So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.
But she screamed when I brought her one.
Come on guys
Well, no one is laughing now.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.
The woman asks:
"What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 35 years ago?"
" I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."
"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman,as she undid her robe.
"I think I did a pretty good job!"
So I dumped her.
Come on guys.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.
Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.
The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.
W: So Doc, what's the problem with me?
Dr: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.
W: Then why the hell did you make me do that?
Dr: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"
After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"
A dramatic silence prevails
After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".
I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
but you guys didn't like it
They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.
"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.
"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"
"Heart attack"
"Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? "
"Well, for a while now I've been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed."
"Well" said the other one "Had you checked the fridge, we both would've been alive right now"
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Then I saw the next two letters.
So I took a photo of her hair!
So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.
and she wanted me to drive
-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...
A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.
Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so stupid to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.
The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."
He's wanted dead and alive
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
I said, "It's a woman masturbating."
"Why is this on your computer screen?"
"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."
They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
He just wanted to be transparent with me
To get fucked by a third party?
I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
My boyfriend asked for a naked picture.
I asked him if he wanted to see tits or ass.
He responded "surprise me"
So I sent him a picture of my dick
So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"
Give it to me! She yelled.
"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted.
I was keeping the umbrella.
They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
They were right, we had six matching balls.
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.
So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied ''I've only just finished picking it up, the bastard used change''
So I got her nothing
She always wanted a girl.
She's single . . . She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . .
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free . . . I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
I said: Sure.
She said: Me too!
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"
Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"
Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."
Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"
Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."
The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"
Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"
Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"
Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?".
"My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied.
"And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked.
"I think I've done a pretty good job"
well no ones laughing now.
He wasn't as enthusiastic when I started fucking the pizza guy.
..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.
One says "So this morning, when I was buying the ticket here, the woman behind the counter had the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Like they were huge and perfect. I just wanted to put my face in between 'em. When she asked me what I wanted, I was startled and blurted out 'I'll need one picket to tittsburgh.' I'll tell ya, if looks could kill... I was so embarrassed I just muttered a thank you and kind of slunk away."
His friend chuckled. "Aw man, don't worry, it's called a Freudian slip. It's when you mean to say something, but you accidentally say what's on your mind. Happens to me at all the time. Take last week for example. Me and my wife were sitting down for dinner, and I MEANT to say, "Pass the salt" but I ended up saying, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."
So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.
The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.
At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!
Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!
But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!
Her: "Fuck that shit"
Me: "That's the spirit"
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
...but when I got home all the signs were there.
My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...
Just wanted to make that clear
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
"I did a good job!"
I wanted my first time to be special.
There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on me so that you might love me more".
The second woman went out and spent her money on expensive gifts for the man. She came back and said "I bought these gifts for you to show how selfless i am and that you might love me more".
The man was impressed.
The third woman took the money to the stock market and doubled the money she had. She then put the money in a joint account between her and the man. She returned to the man and said, "I have increased the money you have given me and placed it in a joint account so that you might love me more" The man was very impressed.
The man then married the woman with the biggest boobs.
..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.
Husband : What? You had three divorces before.
Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.
Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.
And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it.
You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.
A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted". He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "
The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more."
The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "
The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says.
"Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
I just never had the balls to.
I was walking through the park a few weeks ago with my daughter, when she pulled at my hand and pointed over to what was 2 dogs having sex - she asked me "daddy what are they doing", to which I replied "they are making a puppy".
Anyway's a few weeks later I was in the bedroom on top of my wife making passionate love to her, when my daughter burst in the room and said "daddy what are you doing", I said "we are making a baby", to which she started crying, and then whimpered "daddy please turn mummy over, I really want a puppy"...
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.
She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella
...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Outlaws are wanted
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.
To my horror they were right.....we had 6 matching balls.
Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.
"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.
"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.
"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.
"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."
The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.
"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"
so I had to pull some strings.
I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!
Joke by Matt Donaher
He just didn't expect it to be this one
I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"
They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself
I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.
I told him I'd be down with that.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Wanted? Well, here are the best jokes about Wanted to have fun with.