wanted Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious wanted puns

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

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My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender

I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."

He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."

The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."

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My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

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My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

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Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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A woman asks her husband

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

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I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.

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I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

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The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

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"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

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John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

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Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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A man wasn't sure which of three women he wanted to marry, so he gave each $10,000 to see how they used it.

The first woman went to the store, bought the man new clothes, new furniture, and new electronics for his man cave. The man was impressed.

The second woman put the money in the bank, to show how responsible and thrifty she was. Again, the man was impressed.

The third woman invested the money and turned the $10,000 into $20,000. Again, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a moment about how each woman had handled the money, and then he married the one with the largest boobs.

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A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

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Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

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My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

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Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.

"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.

The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."

"And?" She asks.

"And I did!"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

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Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

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They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.

"Do you see that neighbourhood there?"
"Yes"
"I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"

The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.

"Do you see the big tree over there?"
"Yes"
"Well fuck! I didn't!"

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I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

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In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

.When asked why he answered, If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would have finished second.

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Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, and the third reason?

Maid: I am better in bed than you.

Madam's face swelled with rage.

Madam: Did my husband say that?!

Maid: No the driver told me.

Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

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An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

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My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

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Accidental dad joke

So I was making soda in my Soda Stream for some friends that were over. For those that don't know a soda stream is a little c02 pump you get at target that carbonates water for you. Anyways, you're only supposed to pump it like 4-5 times. I wanted it super fizzy so I was pumping it way more than that. One of my friends goes "It's not going to get any fizzier" to which i said "trust me it will, what are you a fucking physicist?" Everyone started giggling. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. They all thought i made a clever play on the word physicist (fizz-icist), but I didn't. After I realized they thought that I just went with it. That's now my go to soda joke.

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I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

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Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.

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three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.

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The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it.

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The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so.

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The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine".

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The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a Β£100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for Β£200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

...

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

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Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."

Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.
"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"

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My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

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My mom used to tuck me in at night...

I think she really wanted a girl.

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

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My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

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My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

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My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

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[META] There's been an influx of anti-gay jokes recently and I just wanted to say something: jokes using gay people as the punchline are NOT funny

Come on guys

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People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now.

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The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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35 years ago...

A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.

The woman asks:

"What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 35 years ago?"

" I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman,as she undid her robe.

"I think I did a pretty good job!"

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My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

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I've been seeing some anti-gay humor on this sub lately and wanted to say something: Gay jokes ARE NOT funny.

Come on guys.

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Dog for sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

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[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what's the problem with me?

Dr: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.

W: Then why the hell did you make me do that?

Dr: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.

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A professor tells dirty jokes and the women protest.

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

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Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".

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My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.

I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?

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I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke

but you guys didn't like it

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Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.

"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.

"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"

"Heart attack"

"Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? "

"Well, for a while now I've been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed."

"Well" said the other one "Had you checked the fridge, we both would've been alive right now"

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Johnny wanted to have sex

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

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When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

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My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

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Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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I love my wife

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.

Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so stupid to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.

The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."

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Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

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I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

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My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked.

I said, "It's a woman masturbating."

"Why is this on your computer screen?"

"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

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My dad came out to me today and told me he now identifies as a woman

He just wanted to be transparent with me

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

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They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

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My boyfriend asked for a nude pic (NSFW)

My boyfriend asked for a naked picture.
I asked him if he wanted to see tits or ass.
He responded "surprise me"

So I sent him a picture of my dick

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My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

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Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

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There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

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I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

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"Give it to me!" she yelled

Give it to me! She yelled.

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted.

I was keeping the umbrella.

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So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

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A couple of Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.

They were right, we had six matching balls.

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I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

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There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied ''I've only just finished picking it up, the bastard used change''

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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing

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As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night

She always wanted a girl.

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . .
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free . . . I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

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My deaf sister asked me if I wanted to hear a joke

I said: Sure.

She said: Me too!

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My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

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Speeding motorist

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"

Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"

Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."

Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"

Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."

The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.

Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"

Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"

Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"

Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."

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An old woman asks her husband of 60 years..

"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?".

"My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied.

"And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked.

"I think I've done a pretty good job"

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When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

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I told my boyfriend I wanted to try something I saw in a porno.

He wasn't as enthusiastic when I started fucking the pizza guy.

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My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

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My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

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Two long time friends are having a beer in a Pittsburgh bar.

One says "So this morning, when I was buying the ticket here, the woman behind the counter had the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Like they were huge and perfect. I just wanted to put my face in between 'em. When she asked me what I wanted, I was startled and blurted out 'I'll need one picket to tittsburgh.' I'll tell ya, if looks could kill... I was so embarrassed I just muttered a thank you and kind of slunk away."

His friend chuckled. "Aw man, don't worry, it's called a Freudian slip. It's when you mean to say something, but you accidentally say what's on your mind. Happens to me at all the time. Take last week for example. Me and my wife were sitting down for dinner, and I MEANT to say, "Pass the salt" but I ended up saying, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

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During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.

The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.

At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!

Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!

But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try Anal

Her: "Fuck that shit"

Me: "That's the spirit"

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God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'

'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied

'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God

'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.

'What are they like?' The German questioned

'Thou shall not kill' God replied

'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments

'What are they like?' The Italian inquired

'Thou shall not steal' Answered God

'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments

'How much are they?' The Jew asked

'They're free' God answered

'I'll take ten' Said the Jew

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Person asked me If I wanted to have a threesome

I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

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I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker...

...but when I got home all the signs were there.

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One of my favourite jokes

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass

Just wanted to make that clear

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An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

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Wife says to husband "Be honest with me, what did you think of me the first time we met?" Husband says "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!" Wife says "And now?" Husband says...

"I did a good job!"

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So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded.

I wanted my first time to be special.

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on me so that you might love me more".
The second woman went out and spent her money on expensive gifts for the man. She came back and said "I bought these gifts for you to show how selfless i am and that you might love me more".
The man was impressed.
The third woman took the money to the stock market and doubled the money she had. She then put the money in a joint account between her and the man. She returned to the man and said, "I have increased the money you have given me and placed it in a joint account so that you might love me more" The man was very impressed.
The man then married the woman with the biggest boobs.

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I wanted to have a threesome..

..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.

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First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.


Husband : What? You had three divorces before.


Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.


Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it.


You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.

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I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

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Buh, buh ,bible . . .

A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted". He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "

The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more."

The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "

The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says.

"Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "

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I always wanted to try juggling...

I just never had the balls to.

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My Daughter Wanted a Puppy

I was walking through the park a few weeks ago with my daughter, when she pulled at my hand and pointed over to what was 2 dogs having sex - she asked me "daddy what are they doing", to which I replied "they are making a puppy".

Anyway's a few weeks later I was in the bedroom on top of my wife making passionate love to her, when my daughter burst in the room and said "daddy what are you doing", I said "we are making a baby", to which she started crying, and then whimpered "daddy please turn mummy over, I really want a puppy"...

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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

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"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.

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"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella

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My friend drowned. So at his funeral...

...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.

After all...It's what he would have wanted.

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The new CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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A 70 Year Old Women Decides To Get Married

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?

Outlaws are wanted

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Just like winning the lottery...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.
To my horror they were right.....we had 6 matching balls.

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What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

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My dad

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes Β£2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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The homeless pianoman

On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.

"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.

"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.

"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.

"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."

The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.

"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"

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I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period...

so I had to pull some strings.

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The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

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Trump always wanted to be screwed by one of his kids

He just didn't expect it to be this one

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

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I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

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I was talking to a friend's little girl...

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?

And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.

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My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that.

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What are the best Wanted puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Wanted? Well, here are the best jokes about Wanted to have fun with.

Joko Jokes