The Best 95 Wanted Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Wanted jokes. There are some wanted did jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wanted today puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Wanted Jokes and Puns
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.
Turns out my parents weren't even related.
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...
Nobody's laughing now.
My mother used to tuck me in every night
She always wanted a girl :(
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing
When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...
well no ones laughing now.
My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
and she wanted me to drive
You can explore wanted hoped reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wanted valentines dad jokes. There are also wanted puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!
They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.
I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.
So I took a photo of her hair!
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple
Sorry, wrong thread
Threesome? No thanks
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.
My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.
But she screamed when I brought her one.
I always wanted to tell jokes...
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well they're not laughing now!
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree
He's wanted dead and alive
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.
They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians
So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night
She always wanted a girl.
My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.
So I dumped her.
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
The furniture store keeps calling me back.....
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!
Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian
Well, no one is laughing now.
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.
Just wanted to make that clear.
I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
I don't get the point of a lap dance
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France
An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
My mom used to tuck me in at night...
I think she really wanted a girl.
My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...
...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."
So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.
My dad came out to me today and told me he now identifies as a woman
He just wanted to be transparent with me
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?
He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)
My friend Dave drowned.
At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma
I replied "piece of cake"
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.
Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...
He should have just hired her!
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...
... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
I wanted to make a joke about time travel...
...but you guys didn't like it.
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.
I always wanted to be a multimillionaire, just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multimillionaire too.
This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...
to be able to post this in a different sub.
I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.
Didn't know you still need it.
Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."
I got her a weighing scale.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc?
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.
With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having
I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.
Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't...
Because it was booked.
\-My Pops
I really wanted to watch the International Origami Championships tonight.
Sadly, it's only on paper view.
When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys."
Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
Wife: what are you getting me for our 10 year anniversary?
Husband: Im taking you to Africa
Wife: wow that's amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 20th?
Husband: I will pick you up
The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
I told her to leave it in the carton.
I've probably told checkers that 100 times, and not once did they get the joke.
i went to an REM concert back in '92.
They're my favourite band so I wanted my photo taken with them.
That's me in the corner.
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.
I had Stranger Things to watch.
A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".
Husband:Happy Birthday Babyyyyy!!!
Wife:Aww Thankyou sweetheart, What you get me?
Husband:It was a surprise, but you remember that pink Lamborghini car you wanted so bad?
Wife:OMG OMG OMG OMG! YES YES YES YES
I'm Screaming Right Now Omg!!!
Husband:Well, I got you a toothbrush, Same color.
My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.
I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.
I like to make my presents felt.
My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…
He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out
A man bought himself an expensive new car
He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.
First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.
Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.
Then finally, the rabbi sang a song & cut off the end of the tailpipe.
The Hitman gets fired!
A very dumb fella wanted to be a Hitman for the Mafia. But he got fired after he failed miserably on his first job!
He burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was suppose to blow up!
I need a funny punchline...
My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:
What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?
I have absolutely no idea so if anyone can think of a punchline for this please help me.
An original joke for you as thanks:
Why was the caribou wearing a disguise?
He wanted to remain anonymoose.
Yesterday, the Laundry Pressers Union walked off the job in the middle of their shift.
They wanted to strike while the iron was hot.
Don't know if this is known but I wanted to share
The wife said: "hey I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"
Husband: "are you cheating on me?"
Wife: "what?"
Husband: "say what you just said"
Wife: "I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"
Husband: "Exactly, my name is John"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wanted gave puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working wanted want piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.