Wanking Jokes

Following is our collection of fellatio puns and pleasuring one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Wanking jokes for adults, dirty masturbator jokes and clean wanker dad gags for kids.

The Best Wanking Puns

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'

I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

My therapist asked me to stop wanking. I asked how long i should stop for...

He said at least until i left his office

The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign.

But he got off with a warning.

They say wanking with a dead arm is the best

But apparently I ruined that funeral

Came close to death this morning

Wanking in the cemetery.

I entered a blindfolded wanking competition

I didn't win. In fact, I've no idea where I came.

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of wanking?

A mass debate

Does wanking while stoned make you a weed whacker?


My son was sent home from school again today.

He said it was because he was caught wanking in front of some third year girls. It's the fourth time this has happened so far.

I don't think he's cut out for being a teacher...

Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

I've had a good couple of days,

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship.

I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.

Yesterday I entered the world blindfolded wanking championship.
I have no idea where I came though.

I know they say that looks aren't everything...

But have you ever tried wanking to personality?

Just filmed a video of the Mrs wanking me off with her toes.

Lovely bit of footage.

Went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking.

Then I went to watch the crocodiles and I was still wanking.

Father walks in on his son wanking.

Father says , Son you can go blind doing that.
Son says, Dad I am over here

A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away

What you were really wanking about...I mean thinking about.

-Ricky Gervais

Washing your own car is like wanking.

I'd rather do it myself than have a guy do it in the car park of a mall.

There was a huge argument in my science lesson today about whether wanking is good or bad for your health

It ended up turning into a mass-debate

What do you get after 5 days of wanking?

A weekend.

An Irish man calls a Chinese takeaway after a night in the pub

*phone rings*

Chinese takeaway: "Hello, Wan-King"

Irishman: "Oh Christ I'll call you back in 10 minutes"

I heard somewhere that wanking with a dead arm feels better...

Totally ruined that funeral.

My wife is one of those annoying people that ruins films by asking questions.

Last night we were watching Schindler's List and she stupidly asked, "Why are you wanking?".


Stevie Wonder -7 kids

David Blunkett - 5 kids

Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

Apparently my buddy went through 'Thalstruma,' the Swedish term for crying and wanking at the same time.

Indeed, it was a tearjerker.

My mother caught me wanking....

..She almost had a stroke.

What do you call wanking in a plane?


My friend got caught wanking in the showers on a school trip.

It really ruined the tour around Auschwitz.

My dad walked in on me wanking before, He said, "Son, Don't do that, you'll go blind."

I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."

Old but gold

What does Buzz Lightyear saybafter wanking into your hot drink?

I'm Buzz Lightyear, I come in teas

I was in a taxi the other day

Driver says to me you ever been caught wanking behind a refrigerator

I said most definitely not

He says good spot aye

What do you call masturbating before getting out of bed?

Wanking up

I was in a blindfolded wanking competition the other day....

I've no idea where I came.

Sorry I'd repost, new to me.

I got caught wanking in the shower today

Now I'm banned from the gym

Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

if a man dies while wanking

he will come and go at the same time

What do you call a cow wanking it in a field?

Beef strokin' off

Did you hear about the wanking robot?

He pulled himself apart

There is an abundance of tearjerker jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 44 funniest jokes and wanking puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fleshlight witze you can hear about wanking.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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