The Best 45 Wanking Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Wanking jokes. There are some wanking pleasuring jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wanking wanker puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Wanking Jokes and Puns

My wife is one of those annoying people that ruins films by asking questions.

Last night we were watching Schindler's List and she stupidly asked, "Why are you wanking?".

I heard somewhere that wanking with a dead arm feels better...

Totally ruined that funeral.

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

Wanking joke, Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

My therapist asked me to stop wanking. I asked how long i should stop for...

He said at least until i left his office

I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'

I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.

Wanking joke, I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

I know they say that looks aren't everything...

But have you ever tried wanking to personality?

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

Did you hear about the wanking robot?

He pulled himself apart

You can explore wanking fellatio reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wanking masturbator dad jokes. There are also wanking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

My friend got caught wanking in the showers on a school trip.

It really ruined the tour around Auschwitz.

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

What do you get after 5 days of wanking?

A weekend.

What do you call wanking in a plane?


A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away

What you were really wanking about...I mean thinking about.

-Ricky Gervais

Wanking joke, A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away

The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign.

But he got off with a warning.

There was a huge argument in my science lesson today about whether wanking is good or bad for your health

It ended up turning into a mass-debate

They say wanking with a dead arm is the best

But apparently I ruined that funeral

An Irish man calls a Chinese takeaway after a night in the pub

*phone rings*

Chinese takeaway: "Hello, Wan-King"

Irishman: "Oh Christ I'll call you back in 10 minutes"

My mother caught me wanking....

..She almost had a stroke.

What do you call a cow wanking it in a field?

Beef strokin' off

I've had a good couple of days,

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship.

I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.

Yesterday I entered the world blindfolded wanking championship.
I have no idea where I came though.

Apparently my buddy went through 'Thalstruma,' the Swedish term for crying and wanking at the same time.

Indeed, it was a tearjerker.

if a man dies while wanking

he will come and go at the same time

Father walks in on his son wanking.

Father says , Son you can go blind doing that.
Son says, Dad I am over here

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

My son was sent home from school again today.

He said it was because he was caught wanking in front of some third year girls. It's the fourth time this has happened so far.

I don't think he's cut out for being a teacher...

Just filmed a video of the Mrs wanking me off with her toes.

Lovely bit of footage.

Came close to death this morning

Wanking in the cemetery.

Does wanking while stoned make you a weed whacker?


Went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking.

Then I went to watch the crocodiles and I was still wanking.

Washing your own car is like wanking.

I'd rather do it myself than have a guy do it in the car park of a mall.

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of wanking?

A mass debate

Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

I got caught wanking in the shower today

Now I'm banned from the gym

I was in a blindfolded wanking competition the other day....

I've no idea where I came.

Sorry I'd repost, new to me.

What do you call masturbating before getting out of bed?

Wanking up

I was in a taxi the other day

Driver says to me you ever been caught wanking behind a refrigerator

I said most definitely not

He says good spot aye

What does Buzz Lightyear saybafter wanking into your hot drink?

I'm Buzz Lightyear, I come in teas

My dad walked in on me wanking before, He said, "Son, Don't do that, you'll go blind."

I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."

Old but gold


Stevie Wonder -7 kids

David Blunkett - 5 kids

Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

I entered a blindfolded wanking competition

I didn't win. In fact, I've no idea where I came.

My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway...

Do you think she might be a pervert?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wanking tearjerker jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working wanking fleshlight piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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