Walmart Jokes

This article is filled with humorous jokes related to Walmart, the popular retail shop. It includes jokes about Walmart greeters, employees, cashiers, Broncos, self checkout, shoppers, radio Halloween, Target and wine. Read on to find out why Walmart is the target of so many laughs!

Gather Around for Heartwarming Walmart Jokes and Uplifting Humor

Sometimes at Wal-Mart...

Sometimes at Wal-Mart I like to fill my grocery cart up with wonderful toys. Then I try to find a mother with annoying kids and I hand the kids one of the toys. I make a quick get-a-way so the mother can deal with the aftermath.

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afganistan?

Because there's a target on every corner.

Why did the bishop love Walmart?

'Coz the boys pants are all half off.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

jokes about walmart

Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there is a target on every corner.

Guys, this syriaous.

Have you seen the midget outside Walmart, that hides from gay people?

Of course you haven't.

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because they're all Targets.

Walmart joke, Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

So i went to Walmart today...

... and asked customer service for gta5. She was confused so I told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks people with his golf club. She came later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...

I'm at Wal-mart.

You can explore walmart shops reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean walmart safeway dad jokes. There are also walmart puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Wal-Mart

Why are there no Wal-Marts in the middle east?
A: Because there are too many Targets

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

They both have little boys' jeans half off.

Why don't terrorists shop at Walmart?

They prefer a Target.

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

Walmart joke, Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart?

7 tees, 30 eggs

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...?

It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.

Why isn't there a Wal-Mart in Iraq?

....because there is a target in every corner.

They say if you love something you should let it go...

So why am I going to jail for leaving my kid in Walmart?

Was kicked out of Walmart today.

When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.

At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.

I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

Why did the Priest go to Walmart?

Because the little boys pants were half off.

The local Walmart was giving out batteries

They were free of charge

Walmart joke, The local Walmart was giving out batteries

Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria?

...only Targets

Why is there no walmarts in the middle east?

Because there are targets on every single corner.

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."

Credit goes to my mother for this one.

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

They're all Targets.

I went into walmart to buy the album "Get Rich or Die Trying" but I had to dispute the price when it rang up for ten dollars...

... because it clearly says 50 Cent on it.

I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined..

So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back

My good deed for the day

In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you've got to help out so I helped her put it all back.

How is Kevin Spacey like Walmart?

They both have boys pants half off.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart...

You're welcome

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse

On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves.

She asks her co-worker , "What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?" He says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning

She was down to her final 4!!!

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.

She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"

I never understood that until I saw two midgets fighting in Wal-Mart.

I ran in to a midget with my shopping cart at Walmart...

Me: "I'm really sorry. Are you alright?"

Midget: "I'm not happy!"

Me: "Well, which one are you?"

It's so cold up North right now...

...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.

What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common.

They both have boys pants half off.

Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Too many Targets

What do whores and Walmart have in common?

We all make fun of them, but when we're inside one at 4am we're glad they're around.

Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.

However, pants will still be optional.

People need to calm down about Walmart making wearing a mask mandatory.

You can still wear your pajamas.

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there are to many targets

Everybody wearing masks at Walmart like it's no big deal,

but suddenly I'm the weirdo for adding tights and a cape.

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

My dad told me joke today

A man and a woman are in bed, talking about their dreams.

the woman says, "I had a dream last night, I was at Walmart."

the man says, "I also had a dream. I was jn bed with three women."

The woman asks, "was I one of the three women?"

The man replies, "no, you were at Walmart."

Walmart

Apparently running around Walmart with an alkaseltzer tab in my mouth yelling, "the COVID vaccine doesn't work" isn't funny?

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, now you can follow me over to Target."

I asked the Doctor.

Me: Does Masturbation cause poor eyesight.?


Doctor: "you're in Walmart mate."

My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son's biology teacher

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment as I waddled back to the restroom with my pants around my ankles.

Yo mama's teeth are so bad

That when she smiled to the cashier at walmart, the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

They're all targets!

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Cos there is a target on every corner

Two guys immigrate to Alabama

Two guys immigrate to Alabama and decide to have a small bet regarding which one of them can integrate better. They decide to meet in one year to decide the results.

After one year they meet up and the first guy goes: ''Every sunday I go to church and then Walmart. I only eat chicken, shrimps and bbq. I drink nothing but cheap beer and coke. I just bought myself a new shotgun and new TRUMP decals for my truck.''

The other one (who integrated better) just yells: ''Go back to whatever sh\*thole you came from!''

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Twins!

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

I was sitting in a recliner naked eating Cheetos minding my own business

And the Walmart manager calls the police

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

Sorry, it won't happen again!

Yo mamma is so ugly, when she brought a pig into Walmart, the manager said, "Get that pig out of here," and the pig said, "Sorry, it won't happen again!"

I saw a murder in a Walmart parking lot yesterday.

There must have been a dozen or more crows gathered around a piece of pizza on the ground.

Batman shampoo

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just saw 'Batman' shampoo in Wal-Mart today," the guy says. "Well, I certainly hope they come out with 'Conditioner Gordon' to go with it," the bartender replies.

At the check out at Walmart and my son is sitting in the cart seat…

I've already pulled him and the cart up to past the check out folks so I could start putting bags in the cart. The women in the lane over says, Oh hello there handsome! Obviously talking to my son, however I shout back, Oh hey! How's it going?
The woman checking us out laughed so hard she had to take a step back and the woman I said it to was so red faced and chuckling she couldn't really say much! The few folks in line began laughing too so it was pretty funny and the epitome of dad joke! Ha! I've made it!

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

It's so hot this summer…

The Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.

My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal bitch.

I asked her if she was at the self checkout and that Mr Officer is how I got the black eye

While at Walmart, I saw an amazing cooking utensil that I didn't have enough money for.

That's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass.

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

Meanwhile in the restroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said,

\- Hi! How are you?

Embarrassed... I said,

\- I'm all right!!"

The voice said,

\- "So what are you up to?

I said,

\- Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!

Then I hear,

\- Can I come over?

Annoyed... I said,

\- Excuse me?!?!."

Then the voice said,

\- Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the walmart walmart cashier puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working walmart walmart employee piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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