Wallet Jokes
123 wallet jokes and hilarious wallet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wallet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We all know how frustrating losing your wallet can be. Are you the type to have a tight, empty, or "prison"-style wallet? Here is a collection of humorous jokes involving wallet types and funny scenarios, perfect for an occasion to lift your spirits. From losing a checkbook, to a purse, or even a satchel, these wallet jokes are sure to have you in stitches.
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Funniest Wallet Short Jokes
Short wallet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wallet humour may include short wrapper jokes also.
- Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
- I found a wallet what do i do? I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine. - Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day. But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
- A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!" - I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.
- I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
- My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash. "Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
- I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.
- I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet I could only get 10% off.
- I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday... I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.
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Wallet One Liners
Which wallet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wallet? I can suggest the ones about currency and wealth.
- To the guy that found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you.
- I don't like watching sad movies. If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.
- I am black and my son stole my wallet. I don't know If I'm proud or mad.
- My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
- I had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet He really gave me a run for my money!
- What did the duck say when he lost his wallet? Quap
- Some guy just stole my wallet. He's now the poorest man in town.
- Where does a gypsy keep his money? In your wallet
- I met a mugger in northern Germany. He said "Hannover your wallet!"
- Me: Well, I've found my keys, but God knows where my wallet is. God: No, I don't.
- What does Samuel Jackson say when he is mugging you? What's in your wallet?
- Why don't scammers carry wallets? Because they don't keep cache.
- I dropped my wallet for the second time in one day, today. I must be losing my touch.
- What does BMW stand for? Break my wallet
- Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men's room was out of toilet paper.
Lost Wallet Jokes
Here is a list of funny lost wallet jokes and even better lost wallet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A boss announces to his staff: I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee! A voice in the background says: I'm offering 200!
- I saw a little kid crying. He told me he lost the $200 he had saved for his mom's birthday gift. So I opened my wallet and gave him $40 Why not? Just five minutes earlier, I found ten $20 bills!
- A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."
"Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago." - Lost Wallet I thought my dad would be angry when I told him I had lost my wallet, but he told me not to worry, that it was in my genes.
- I've lost 150 pounds since I moved to Europe. I really shouldn't have left my wallet on the Tube.
- I laminated a 4 leaf clover I found and put it in my wallet... I then lost my wallet.
- This whole Target credit card theft is a real nightmare For this reason, I only buy stuff with credit cards I find in lost wallets.
Empty Wallet Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty wallet jokes and even better empty wallet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life. The bad news is, your wallet is empty.
Tight Wallet Jokes
Here is a list of funny tight wallet jokes and even better tight wallet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money. So when I got home I high-fived my wallet.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Wallet Jokes
What funny jokes about wallet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean walker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wallet pranks.
Picture problems
One day a wife asked her husband why he kept a picture of her in his wallet.
"Whenever I have a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and feel much better,"he said.
"I have that much power over you?" the wife asked, excited.
"Yes,"he said,"When I look at your picture, I tell myself that my other problems are not nearly as big as this one."
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
My wallet was stolen today...
this is the first time I've been sad after losing five pounds.
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
2 Poles are watching a Football game...
There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:
-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score
-You are on - Replies the second one.
The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:
-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.
-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.
A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...
and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed
I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar...
...the proton orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.
the electron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.
the neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet.. the bartender stops him and says, "wait...for you, no charge..."
thank you, I'm here all week...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.
I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.
How do you tell male flies from female flies?
After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
Right and Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Have you been for a check-up recently?" asked my dentist.
"No. No I haven't," I answered.
"I can tell," he replied.
"Are my teeth bad?" I chuckled.
He said, "No, but I saw the w**... of cash in your wallet."
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...
...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is a woman like a c**...?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*c**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
I saw a poor man fall over today on the street.
At least I presume he was poor - he only had $5 in his wallet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."
Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."
Yesterday someone hit me on the head with a tankard and took my wallet.
I'm pretty sure i was mugged.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always carry a c**... in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well...
that way I can impress her with my balloon animals skills.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
I've been married for 20 years,
and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.
A Blonde hear a "thud" on the ground
Too her surprise, it was a wallet. She decided to do the right thing and turn it in to the police.
After arriving at the police station, the Blonde says,'I'm here to turn in someone's lost wallet.' The officer thanked the Blonde for her deeds and the Blonde returns to her home.
The next day, a package arrived in the mailbox with a wallet inside. The Blonde responds with, ' Thank god someone found my wallet, I must've dropped it while walking yesterday.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very drunk man walks in to a pub
He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-s**... out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar...
The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.
"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", she says as she goes in for a handshake.
The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"
She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"
Had a dream that I was playing as Darth Vader in Battlefront 2
Woke up and couldn't find my wallet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I put my USDA inspected chicken s**... in my wallet.
Now my legal tender is safe.
A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.
A police officer comes to his aid.
"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.
"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.
On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.
It said "It s**... to be you."
Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.
I had to hand it to him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I pulled out my wallet and a c**... fell out on the floor.
I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"
She said "no."
I said, "even better."
I walked up to the bar.
I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"
He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."
I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think I've been spending too much time with prostitutes.
During s**..., my girlfriend said give it to me and I pulled out my wallet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy calls in on radio show
**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan
I saw this poor old man laying unconscious in his car earlier today.
I'm assuming he was poor, he only had $3 in his wallet.
I walked into a public restroom
and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.
I asked him, "Why on earth would you throw twenty dollars into a filthy toilet?"
He replied, "Well, there's no way I was going to stick my hand in there for a lousy quarter!"
Today I gave a man on the street everything in my wallet, my food, my cigarettes and even the shoes on my feet
It was the best feeling in the world seeing him put the gun away and walk off.
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings
She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nights work...
A guy meets a s**... worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I've got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the s**... worker slowly. "Paint…my….house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.
I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,
But I guess that's just g**.......
I told my wife I was going for a walk, but as soon as I got outside, some thugs jumped out of the bushes and tried to steal my wallet.
I ran back into the house and locked the door.
"So, how was your walk", she asked.
"I didn't go, it's way too muggy."
Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse
Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?
Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!
How much English can you speak
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.
You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.
Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine
I suppose I'm now a money launderer
The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, Two thousand five hundred!
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.
When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.
No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.
Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week
Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just f**... on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene
- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the m**... was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch
