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Wallet Jokes

127 wallet jokes and hilarious wallet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wallet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

We all know how frustrating losing your wallet can be. Are you the type to have a tight, empty, or "prison"-style wallet? Here is a collection of humorous jokes involving wallet types and funny scenarios, perfect for an occasion to lift your spirits. From losing a checkbook, to a purse, or even a satchel, these wallet jokes are sure to have you in stitches.

Funniest Wallet Short Jokes

Short wallet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wallet humour may include short coins jokes also.

  1. Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
  2. I found a wallet what do i do? I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
    So I turned it into wine.
  3. Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day. But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
  4. I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?" ... so I turned it into wine.
  5. A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
    The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
  6. I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.
  7. I slipped and fell on black ice. I thought it was regular ice but when i got up my wallet was gone.
  8. I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
  9. My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash. "Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
  10. I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

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Wallet One Liners

Which wallet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wallet? I can suggest the ones about bags and weapon.

  1. To the guy that found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you.
  2. I don't like watching sad movies. If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.
  3. Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet. Now they call me ugly and poor.
  4. I am black and my son stole my wallet. I don't know If I'm proud or mad.
  5. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
  6. Everybody call me ugly until they saw my wallet. They call me ugly and broke.
  7. I had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet He really gave me a run for my money!
  8. What did the duck say when he lost his wallet? Quap
  9. My wallet is like onion, Whenever I open it I cry.
  10. People call me ugly until they see my wallet Then they call me poor, too.
  11. Some guy just stole my wallet. He's now the poorest man in town.
  12. Girls call me ugly until they see my wallet. Then they call me ugly AND poor.
  13. Where does a gypsy keep his money? In your wallet
  14. My wallet is just like an onion I cry every time I open it.
  15. Black Ice Slipped on ice today. Didnt know it was black ice until my wallet was gone.

Lost Wallet Jokes

Here is a list of funny lost wallet jokes and even better lost wallet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A boss announces to his staff: I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee! A voice in the background says: I'm offering 200!
  • I saw a little kid crying. He told me he lost the $200 he had saved for his mom's birthday gift. So I opened my wallet and gave him $40 Why not? Just five minutes earlier, I found ten $20 bills!
  • A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."
    "Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago."
  • Lost Wallet I thought my dad would be angry when I told him I had lost my wallet, but he told me not to worry, that it was in my genes.
  • I've lost 150 pounds since I moved to Europe. I really shouldn't have left my wallet on the Tube.
  • I laminated a 4 leaf clover I found and put it in my wallet... I then lost my wallet.
  • This whole Target credit card theft is a real nightmare For this reason, I only buy stuff with credit cards I find in lost wallets.
  • I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen. On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.

    It said "It s**... to be you."
  • Doctors say having s**... with a Woman burns 150 Calories... When I had s**... with a Woman, I too lost 150 calories- along with my keys, phone, wallet, and my wife...
  • "Why is it that some things are so easy to lose while others aren't?" rued the 30 year old v**... who lost his wallet.

Empty Wallet Jokes

Here is a list of funny empty wallet jokes and even better empty wallet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life. The bad news is, your wallet is empty.
  • What's the difference between Starbucks and a p**...? Nothing, they both s**... and will empty your wallet!
Wallet joke, What's the difference between Starbucks and a p**...?

Tight Wallet Jokes

Here is a list of funny tight wallet jokes and even better tight wallet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money. So when I got home I high-fived my wallet.
Wallet joke, My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money.

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Wallet Jokes

What funny jokes about wallet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wrapper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wallet pranks.

Picture problems

One day a wife asked her husband why he kept a picture of her in his wallet.
"Whenever I have a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and feel much better,"he said.
"I have that much power over you?" the wife asked, excited.
"Yes,"he said,"When I look at your picture, I tell myself that my other problems are not nearly as big as this one."

A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night

and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. h**... $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the h**...?"
She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your f**...' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a h**.... She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."

Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

Falklands veteran

A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"

I got mugged last night!

The thugs made off with my wallet, my cuff links, and even my mood ring...
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...

and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"

A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar...

...the proton orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.
the electron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.
the neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet.. the bartender stops him and says, "wait...for you, no charge..."
thank you, I'm here all week...

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today

Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

I found a wallet the other day...

Being the Christian that I am, I said to myself: "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.

I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

I found a wallet with 300 dollars in it yesterday...

I thought to my self "What would jesus do?" so I turned it into wine.

A guy meets a s**... worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday...

I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.

People always call me unattractive until they see my wallet...

then they call me poor too.

Girls always think i'm ugly until they look into my wallet

then they think i'm ugly and poor

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen?

This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!

Slipped on black ice

So the other day I slipped on some black ice, at first I thought it was normal ice, but when I got up i noticed my wallet was missing.

I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

I f**... in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)

I saw a poor man fall over today on the street.

At least I presume he was poor - he only had $5 in his wallet.

Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."

A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This

A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

A guy meets a h**... in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.

Been married for 20 years

Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.

Wife asked me what am I doing

Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

I've been married for 20 years,

and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.

A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-s**... out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

Had a dream that I was playing as Darth Vader in Battlefront 2

Woke up and couldn't find my wallet.

I put my USDA inspected chicken s**... in my wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe.

A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.

A police officer comes to his aid.
"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.
"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."

I pulled out my wallet and a c**... fell out on the floor.

I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"
She said "no."
I said, "even better."

I think I've been spending too much time with prostitutes.

During s**..., my girlfriend said give it to me and I pulled out my wallet.

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

A guy picks up a h**...

She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.
The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.
Paint…my….house.

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"

I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet

I could only get 10% off.

My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings

She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"

A nights work...

A guy meets a s**... worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I've got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the s**... worker slowly. "Paint…my….house."

I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet

It reminds me why no money is in there

Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse

Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?
Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.

I just f**... on my wallet


Now I got gas money.

My mom has a picture of me in her wallet

And none of my siblings. She said that whenever she faces a problem, she looks at my picture and the problem disappears.
I felt really touched till she said that she asks herself "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have already lost four wallets this week. But you can buy cheap wallets at the dollar store.

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your f**...' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.

If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, Two thousand five hundred!

Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime

I just f**... on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Being rich is not easy

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket. kindness IS EVERYTHING!

Wallet joke, Being rich is not easy

jokes about wallet