Wall Street Jokes
67 wall street jokes and hilarious wall street puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wall street that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wall Street Short Jokes
Short wall street jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wall street humour may include short stock market jokes also.
- So the wolf of Wall Street has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand
- i heard on the news that some message board site is bankrupting wall street billionaires "reddit?"
no i said i HEARD it - The Wolf of Wall Street broke the record for saying the f-word 506 times The previous record was held by my dad putting together a table from IKEA.
- "Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day
- For my cake day, a joke I read recently. The irony of Wall Street:
The dealer, not the customer, is called broker. - Did you hear about the tennis factory that opened on Wall Street? They heard it was easy to make a racket there.
- If you're on Wall-street, where is your nearest welfare office located? Inside of the U.S. tax code.
- Why does Wall Street call Hillary "Hillary Vuitton" instead of "Hillary Clinton" ? Because they know she's in the bag ...
- I don't trust the people on Wall Street. Last time I invested, someone Madoff with all my savings.
- Why did the woman's visit to wall street land her in the hospital? Because the stock broker!
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Wall Street One Liners
Which wall street one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wall street? I can suggest the ones about street and investment banker.
- Wall Street execs to redditors: "This isn't a game. Stop!"
- What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune
- Where is Wall Street? Between Mexico and the US.
- What do Wall Street and King Midas have in common? Goldman Sachs
- What do you call a street on the Mexican border? Wall Street
- What do you call a Wall Street marionette? A stock puppet.
- What's the favorite dairy product of Wall Street executives? 1% milk
- Why did the panda travel to Wall Street? To buy bamboo stalks!
- So I heard shakira wrote a screenplay She titled it "She Wolf of Wall Street"
- What is the street that dead-ends called? Wall Street
- What do you call weight lifting on Wall Street? Capital gains
- What did the Wall Street worker say after he divorced his wife? I broker.
- What do you call a moped that works on Wall Street? An invespa
- I wish I could be like Wall Street Seems to be in bed with a lot of people these days!
- Why the Wall Street trader did not pick up the call? Because he had his cell off
Entertaining Wall Street Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about wall street you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stock broker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wall street pranks.
In medeval times, the town bell toller died, and the priest was looking for a replacement
The next day, a gent showed up and said he was perfect for the job. Without introducing himself, he charged up the bell tower steps, with the priest following behind.
Instead of pulling the rope to ring the bell, the man backed up to the wall of the tower, put his head down, and charged like a bull at the bell. The bell rang out louder than ever before. The man shook the cobwebs out of his head, backed up, and ran at the bell and rang it a second time.
The priest was impressed, but asked the man if he could do it repeatedly, because at noon, he'd have to ring the bell 12 times.
The man backed up, put his head down, and ran at the bell a third time. Unfortunately, he hit off center, glancing off the bell, and fell forward, stubling out the portico in the tower - down 100 feet to the street below.
The priest ran down the stairs and out to the street in a panic, and said to the crowd gathered around, "Does anyone know this man?"
A bystander said, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
What did the sexist male police officer say to the female police officer who was trying to arrest an Occupy Wall Street protester who did not believe that the female police officer was an officer of the law?
Honey, badge her.
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
A new CEO starts his first day
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
College money...
There was a kid that went to college, and his Dad sent him enough money for the whole year, well the kid blew through that in the first half of the first semester.
He didn't want to just ask his Dad for more money because he knew he probably wouldn't give it to him.
So he calls his Dad and asks to send their dog, Old Blue with $1000, to the college and he will enroll him in a class that teaches dogs to talk.
The Father thinks that's neat so he sends the dog and the money, and after the end of the first semester, the kid has blown through all that money too.
So he calls his Dad again, and tells him that if he sends $2500 he will enroll Old Blue into a class to teach dogs to read. The Dad thinks this is real cool, so he sends him the money.
At the end of the year the kid knew he couldn't bring Old Blue home with him, because he could not talk nor read.
He called his Dad before summer break, and told him, I had to shoot Old Blue, the Father shocked, You had to shoot Old Blue? Yeah, well he was sitting there reading the Wall Street Journal like he always does, and he looks at me and says, Hey, is your Dad still seeing that red headed broad down the street? The Dad said, You have done the right thing son! You need anymore money?
Credit/Heard this from my Dad who says his preacher told him this one.
Wrong queue !
This girl was a p**..., but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and s**...'em dry."
God decided to visit Earth...
...so He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a beggar sitting against a wall, crying.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God.
"I've been overtaken with a crippling disease and I can no longer walk" replied the man.
However, God took pity on the beggar and cured him with a snap of the fingers. The beggar stood up and ran down the street, laughing with joy.
Ambling down the road, God spies another man sitting on the curb, crying.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God again.
"Well," said the wretch, "Last week a p**... fell on my head and I was struck blind."
With another snap of his fingers God granted sight to the man, who thanked Him profusely before walking away.
Continuing down the boulevard God spotted yet a third man sitting on the curb, weeping to himself.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God?
"Well, sir," said the man, "I am a high school chorus teacher."
And the Lord sat down and wept with him.
A man was walking down the street...
A man was walking down the street when he saw the sanatorium dead ahead.
The sanatorium had a large field with high walls so no one could climb them, inside there were lot's of people chanting with loud voices.
''51! 51! 51! 51! 51!"
The man was very curious as to why they were chanting 51, but upon reaching the wall he had already resigned on ever finding out.
But then he saw a little hole in the wall! He was overjoyed that he could satisfy his curiosity.
Upon reaching the whole he immediately started peering through it. There was a loud cheer and a finger poked his eye.
Cursing under his breath he heard the people chant loudly.
"52! 52! 52! 52! 52!"
What movie did Leonardo DiCaprio's dog recently star in?
The Woof of Wall Street.
The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)
The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths.
They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really nice repair for him. When they're done, they refuse his money but ask if they can put a sign up saying he was a customer. He agrees, and goes on his way. The following day, the Jewish run shop has a sign in the window; "Cobblers to the Pope."
The day after that, the Christian shop has a sign in the window; "b**... to the chief Rabbi."
.
[I'll get my coat...]
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
How come I was wide awake while watching the Wall Street sewuel
CAUSE MONEY NEVER SLEEPS!!!
Pink Floyd is planning a reunion close to the Mexican border next year
Word on the street says they're gonna play a few hits from The Wall
Insane Asylum
A man was walking down the street next to the Insane Aslyum.
As he was walking he heard voices over the wall chanting 21. Curiosity took over and he found a hole in the wall and looked through it.
When he looked all the sudden a stick poked him in the eye and the people behind the wall started chanting 22.
Where do all the Jews in New York live?
Wall Street!
Did you know that Lombard street in San fransisco is the second most crooked street in the United States?
The most crooked street in the United States is Wall Street!
The Wall Street Journal tried to defend against Pewdiepie's fanbase once ...
Now they're called "The Street Journal"
Which news outlet won't be banned from the White House?
The Wall street journal.
A drunk stumbles out of a bar...
...and meanders down the street. He makes his way into a church and enters the confessional booth. A priest is there and waits a minute, but the drunk says nothing. He waits 5 minutes, then 10, and still there's silence. Finally, the priest knocks loudly on the dividing wall, and the drunk pipes up, "Sorry, pal, I can't help you. I've got no paper over here, either."
A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.
He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He points the gun at the first man and asks him a question.
"Did you see me rob that bank?"
"Well, yeah." stammers the man.
BANG!
The gunman points the gun at the second hostage.
"Did YOU see me rob that bank??"
"NO!" the man shouts. "Uh, but...my wife did."
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
What do you call when you see bears roaming in Wall Street?
911
How did your interview go yesterday?
\- Well, I entered the office and found the interviewer sitting on a large black leather chair. He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to go outside with it and then come back and try to sell it. He thought himself as Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf of Wall Street.
\- So what did you do?
\- Well, obviously I obliged. I took the laptop and left the room.
\- Then what?
\- Nothing. 30 minutes later he called me up. Begging me to return it cause all his important documents were in it. So I asked him: will you buy it?
What's the worst gift you can get for someone that works on Wall Street?
Stocking Stuffers
Oranges.
There's this p**...,and she's getting arrested with a bunch of other prostitutes.
The police make them line up against a wall.
An old lady is walking down the street, when she notices her grandaughter is in the line.
"What is this line for, dear?"
It's for oranges!- the p**... says.
"Ooh! I love oranges!"
The old lady joins the line.
The police officer is walking down the line, taking photos of each woman, when he stops at the old lady.
"Dear god! You're an old woman, you have no teeth!..how on earth do you do it!?"
The old lady takes off her glasses, looks the cop dead in the eye and says
Well...I just peel back the skin and s**... em dry!!!
A hearse is driving up the street...
A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.
People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it's chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.
The door pops open, the body sits up and says Do you have anything to stop this coughin?
The Wolf of Wall Street
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
