Wall Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.


I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid.

The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them.

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Who says building a border wall won't work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.

Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,

The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, Eh. I'll get over it.

A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony.

Police are looking into it.

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

Guys I think Trump's immigration policies just might work.

China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.

The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

What are they going to use to build the wall?

The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.

A hole was found in a nudist camp wall

The police are now looking into it.

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"

With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."

The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

Say what you want about Trump's wall

But China has had a great wall for thousands of years and you still don't see any Mexicans

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing


The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall...

I thought, that's a little condescending.

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?"

"Mall? We thought you said wall"

Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"

The world is so politically correct these days.

You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"

Everything's racist these days.

You can't even say "black paint" anymore.

You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".

What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?

Dam.

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago

...and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

I unplugged my carbon monoxide detector from the wall today

All that beeping was giving me headaches and making me feel nauseous

What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana?

Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

How to Live a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

Your mom walks into a sex shop and the clerk directs her to where they keep the vibrators. She points to one she likes and tells him: "I'll take that red one." The clerk responds:

"Ma'am, the vibrators are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."

I saw a dwarf escaping from jail down the side of a wall

As he passed by, he sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

What's the worst thing that can happen to a man?

Running into a wall while erect and breaking your nose.

An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin

While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.

Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "Gross!"

The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"

No Strings

Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"

Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

I know April keeps going until May comes...(NSFW)

Because the wall I share with my lesbian neighbors is real thin.

I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work

The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.

How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells

Dam.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

Why was the Berlin Wall torn down?

It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

I don't understand why ...

I don't understand why Mexicans are so upset that Trump is going to build a wall.

They should just get over it.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

What are the funniest wall jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Wall? Well, here are the best Wall puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Wall pick up lines to share with friends.

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