Walking Jokes
166 walking jokes and hilarious walking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about walking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny walking jokes. From jokes aboutwalkers and canes to Mobility Scooters, we've got you covered.
Quick Jump To
- Short Walking Jokes
- Walking One Liners
- Dog Walking Jokes
- Walking Down The Street Jokes
- Walking On Water Jokes
- Walking Dead Jokes
- Walking My Fish Jokes
- More Walking Jokes
Funniest Walking Short Jokes
Short walking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The walking humour may include short riding jokes also.
- What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor? One does not simply walk into Mordor
- My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
- It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB That was a trip down memory lane
- It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering. - Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
- I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It's laundry day.
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Walking One Liners
Which walking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with walking? I can suggest the ones about travel and ride.
- Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
- Cardi B and bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don't remember the rest.
- A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
horse: Yes please - What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
- 12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar. Followed by Batman.
- What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking.
…
j/k…rolling. - Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s? Because they can't even.
- How does harry potter get down a hill? By walking.
J.K. Rowling - A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar Hey Kanye!
- An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
- A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.
- The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99*
- The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
- Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
- An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
Dog Walking Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog walking jokes and even better dog walking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
- Jay Leno walked past a painting of Simon Cowell surrounded by his dogs during AGT. And said: Cowell looked at the dogs like they were on the menu at a Korean restaurant.
- Being a dog walker is so easy It's a literal walk in the park.
- Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
- A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
- A dog walks into a bar and says, a beer, please. The bartender says, wow, you should be in the circus. The dog says:
_Why!? Do they need electricians?_ - "A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat." "The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"
- What is it about being blind... ...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?
- A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
- When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank.. We were too poor for a dog.
Walking Down The Street Jokes
Here is a list of funny walking down the street jokes and even better walking down the street puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street." - For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time. Three guys were walking down the street.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. - A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"... A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
- Yo Momma is so fat... When she's walking down the street, cops driving by scream out, "Hey you two --break it up!"
- I was walking down the street with my wife.. And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson. - I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf. I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.
- Two atoms were walking down the street. One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"
- The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street. I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"
Classic Denzel. - I saw two guys walking down the street in matching clothing. I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
- Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job. One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
Walking On Water Jokes
Here is a list of funny walking on water jokes and even better walking on water puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jesus may have walked on water... But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries
- Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
- Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
- Two chemists walk into a bar. Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed - Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water... ...I can walk on babies.
Therefore I am...
...In prison. - Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.
- Jesus walks into a bar and says "I'll just have water"
- Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans..... Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.
- A racist, a fascist, and an idiot walked into a bar "What can I get you?" Asked the bartender.
"I'll just have a water, and make sure the glass is small enough for my hands" said Donald Trump. - Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.
Walking Dead Jokes
Here is a list of funny walking dead jokes and even better walking dead puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A pun walks in and kills 10 people... Pun in, ten dead.
- What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk? A dead bird.
- A pun walks into a room and kills ten people Pun in, ten dead
- What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common? All their Walkers are dead
- 2 blondes were walking along a beach when one said, "Look! A dead bird!" The other looked up.
- a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was.. Pun in, 10 dead.
- A pun walks into a room… A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead. - Two blondes were walking in a park ...when one of them said: "Look, a dead bird!" The other one looked up in the sky and asked "where?"
- A dead bird A blonde was walking with her father, when her father said "look! It's a dead bird! That's so sad!"
The blonde then quickly looked up in the sky and said "Where?" - So Godzilla walks into a bar... The entire building is destroyed. 23 people are missing and presumed dead.
Walking My Fish Jokes
Here is a list of funny walking my fish jokes and even better walking my fish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A fish walks into a bar It took him 395 million years.
- A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips. The librarian says, "this is a library."
The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips." - A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm. "do you make fish cakes?"
"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...
"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday" - A man walks into a library. Man: Fish and chips, please.
Librarian: Sir, this is a library.
Man: \*whispers\* *Sorry. Fish and chips, please.* - Fish Cakes A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?"
Bartender: No we don't.
Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday. - A fish walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" the bartender asks. "Gin? Whiskey?
"Water," the fish says, and collapses
----
^this ^is ^what ^you ^get ^when ^jokes ^are ^OC - A Polar Bear walks into a bar... ... he says to the server, "Hello, I'd like some fish and chips.."
The server says, "We don't serve polar bear here."
The Polar Bear says, "Oh Thank God."
- I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish. He said 'you axolotl questions!'
- A Canadian walks into a restaurant... He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"
He replies, "Friday." - Man walks into a fishmonger carrying a trout under his arm... He asks the shopkeeper, Do you sell fish cakes?
Shopkeeper replies Of course!
Man says, Thank god, it's his birthday!
Share Hilarious Walking Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about walking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stroll jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make walking pranks.
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?
He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
How to make girls feel safe in the hallways
I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a r**....
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
I was walking around town the other day...
I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two j**...-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.
During a f**......
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.
He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.
He said he was outside before it was cool.
Two engineers are meeting for lunch
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation
The husband says "ah, it's raining"
The wife replies "no it's snowing"
"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,
"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"
"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off
"see?" says the husband,
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Two condoms are walking down the street...
They pass a gay bar and one c**... says to the other "hey, do you wanna get s**...-faced?"
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
I was at a party...
I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was s**... assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to s**... assault a girl...not on my watch.
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
A guy walking into a bar
sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
Poor Old fool, he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?
By walking... jk rolling
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"
"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.
A Life Guard is walking along a beach
A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.
The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home
She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
So a prison break was happening...
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.
The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.
Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.
One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:
"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."
Two blondes are walking and one asks, which is closer, the moon or Florida? And the other responds, duh...
... can you see Florida?
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
Saw a guy walking with a n**... woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.
"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."
"And her?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."
Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.
When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."
A schoolboy rescues President Trump
A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.
*(
Gender Equality
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)
Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck.
Two Blondes....
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."
A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.
The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too."
I was walking past the graveyard late at night
and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?"
He replied "Fancy dress party"
"What as?" I asked
"Tortoise" the man shouted back
"Who's she?" I questioned
To which he responded "That's Michelle"
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.
JK. Rolling
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
Six girls walking around n**... sounds weird
Dozen t**...?
How did harry potter get down the hill?
Walking.
LoL
JK. Rolling.
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s**...."
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...
..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you just call it? I asked.
It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! she said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked o**..., who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
A n**... man was walking down the street with a woman on his back
A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"
The n**... man replied, "To a fancy dress party."
"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.
"A tortoise", said the n**... man.
"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.
"Oh, that's Michelle."
EDIT - I changed the first "gentleman" to "bloke." I hope it makes more sense that way.
A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
My 2 year old told his first joke.
We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.
I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is
Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.
He takes after his dad. His smile and laughter made my day.
My son is walking through the house, shouting Duck! Duck! Duck!
I told him to stop using fowl language.
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
