Unearthly Funniest Walk Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!
In the end, he came around.
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...
I don't remember the rest.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB
That was a trip down memory lane
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar
One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
I walked in on my girlfriend having s**... with her personal trainer
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It's laundry day.
A Russian spy, a s**... predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
You can explore walk sees reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean walk walks into a bar dad jokes. There are also walk puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...
Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
I was walking around town the other day...
I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two j**...-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...
To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...
Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.
- comedy removed due to complaints -
I walked into a room full of men m**...
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: A table for 26, please.
Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.
Circumcisions are painful.
When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?
Fred and George Weasley.
There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly
where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
I walk into a hardware store..
"Any two-watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do. I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any. "
"Any what?"
"Yes please."
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"
A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar
Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar
I know because they told me.
Two fat ladies walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.
I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".
"Is that your real name?", she asked.
I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."
C and C++ walk into a bar...
After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar
The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...
Bear with me...
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?
Poetry!
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.
Two men walk into a bar.
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
Two deer walk out of a gay bar
One looks at the other and says, man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!
An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.
"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.
Two blondes walk into a bar
You'd think the second one would have ducked
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
A s**... predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?
Because they literally can't even
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?
One does not simply walk into Mordor
A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood
The nurse asks, what's your blood type?
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s**...."
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...
Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s?
Because they can't even.
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...
I only know because they won't shut up about it.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
I debated a flat earther once
he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He'll come around, eventually.
The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"
Two time travelers walk into a bar
I named my dog "5 miles."
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.
The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
Credit to u/DrDerpberg
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked o**..., who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.
Followed by Batman.
Three logicians walk into a bar.
The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?"
The first one answers: "I don't know."
The second one answers: "I don't know."
The third one answers: "Yes!"
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar
That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar
Hey Kanye!
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant
"Table for twenty-six, please."
"There's only thirteen of you."
"Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."
3 reddit mods walk in a bar.
The bar collapses
My wife still thinks I'm s**...β¦
Whenever I walk by her she says, what an a**...!
I was walking down the road the other day and this guy threw a block of cheese at my head
I looked at him and said, that's mature.
Ego and superego walk into a bar
Bartender folds his arms and says I'm gonna need to see some id
A priest, a monk and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What'll ya have?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know" says the rabbit. "I'm only here because of autocorrect".
A dumb scientist is experimenting on a fly...
He pulls one leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. The fly walks.
He pulls the second leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. Again, the fly walks.
He continues until he gets to the last leg. Pulling it off, he says 'Fly, walk'. The fly does not walk. He repeats the command, but the fly does not shift a millimetre.
He scribbles down 'After removal of the 6th leg, the fly has become deaf'
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"
"Erm, I don't know" I replied
"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"
"Donald Duck" I replied
"No, all ducks you idiot"
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
They walk to the bar and have a seat. Soon the a bartender comes up to them and yells :
Get out of here! We don't serve your type.
Sadly they never got their
Preto Semi wine.
