The Best 70 Walk Home Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Walk Home jokes. There are some walk home back jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these walk home a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Walk Home Jokes and Puns

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.

In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.

Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.

Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.

Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

jokes about walk home

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since

I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."

To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"

As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"

"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."

After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'

"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."

"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."

The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."


Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

I saw this cute homeless girl on the street..

..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

Walk Home joke, I saw this cute homeless girl on the street..

Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

So I was walking outside yesterday(potentially offensive)...

when I saw a black guy with a TV. I was shocked, and I rushed back home, thinking it was mine. But luckily, it was still there, shining my shoes.

You can explore walk home bedroom reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean walk home walker dad jokes. There are also walk home puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

An old russian joke I heard a long time ago

In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"

The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!"

Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"

The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today...

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!

Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car

Walk Home joke, My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today...

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?

The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.

Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.

Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.

The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.


Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me.

She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

Walk Home joke, My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.

I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home

She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away


A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.

The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.

Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"

The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl...

So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.

I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night...

"Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde

"Umm.. seven?"


A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.

Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.

*(

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home.

She smiled and said yes! But seemed very surprised when I took her cardboard box and walked away.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.

One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon

When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.

As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,

"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"

The cowboy responded,

"I had to walk home."

P.S. Sorry

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.

Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.



And did he make me too? she asks next.



Of course he did, the old man answers again.



Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but 25 minutes to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

I asked a pretty, young, homeless girl if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes.

Her expression changed, however when I walked away with her cardboard box.

A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a drink. After he finishes it, he takes out a picture and looks at it for a couple minutes before putting it away and ordering another drink. He repeats this a few times always looking at the picture in between drinks.

The bartender gets curious and says "Man I have to know, what picture are you looking at?"

The man says "Oh, it's just my wife. I don't go home until she's pretty!"

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"

The man is stunned and walks home.

The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:

"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"

The man weakly replies:

"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."

The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."

The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.

Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"

The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."

The woman leaves. The man follows.

The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"

The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.

As she walked away, I asked:

Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?

A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.

Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me fart.

A man walks into a church confessional

He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?

Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line

Very well, sir , the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.

I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?

I don't care, throw them in the pool

We don't have a pool, sir

Ah, sorry, wrong number

I asked this cute homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She started crying after I walked off with her cardboard box.

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery…

When a group of spiritualists walked up to me and explained that they were too afraid to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.Then I told them I understand, I also used to be freaked out too when I was alive .

I've never seen anyone run that fast!

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him, and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."

The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."

The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "Β£100 and it's yours."

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.

The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, Β‘Muchas gracias, seΓ±or!

Relapse

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "

A woman is walking home with her three daughters

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose."
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?!
DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!"
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

Who's home in Scotland can you walk into at any time?

The Lock-less Monster

A man walks into a bar, his head hung in shame.

"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

The man says, "Just a club soda. I think I'm done drinking."

The bartender fills the order. "Why?"

"Well," the man says, "Last night I got so drunk, I went home and blew chunks."

"I've been tending bar for 25 years," the bartender sympathizes, "and I have seen a lot of people vomit after drinking too much. It's not that big of a deal."

The man takes a long sip of the soda. "You don't understand," he says. "Chunks is my dog."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the walk home a man walk into a bar jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working walk home a prairie home companion piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes