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Wal Mart Jokes

87 wal mart jokes and hilarious wal mart puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wal mart that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Wal Mart Short Jokes

Short wal mart jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wal mart humour may include short walmart target jokes also.

  1. At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas. I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.
  2. "It's the little things in life that make you laugh" I never understood that until I saw two midgets fighting in Wal-Mart.
  3. Wal-Mart Why are there no Wal-Marts in the middle east?
    A: Because there are too many Targets
  4. It's so cold up North right now... ...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.
  5. So I was walking through Wal-Mart looking to buy new ornaments for my christmas tree, when I saw an Obama ornament. Funny, I didn't know it was acceptable to hang a black man from a tree again.
  6. Give me ONE good reason why obese Americans shouldn't be allowed to drive Rascal scooters in Wal-Mart! Go on! Aisle weight.
  7. So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but... ...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.
  8. Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan? Because there are already too many targets.
    (cr
  9. A bomb was found in a tin of Alphabet Spaghetti at Wal-Mart today. A spokesman told the press"We're lucky we found it when we did. If that had gone off it could have spelt disaster."
  10. I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again.

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Wal Mart One Liners

Which wal mart one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wal mart? I can suggest the ones about waldo and target store.

  1. Why are there no Wal-Marts in ukraine? Because they're all Targets.
  2. Why aren't there any Wal-Mart's in Afghanistan? Because they are all Target's!
  3. I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do... I'm at Wal-mart.
  4. Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? They're all Targets.
  5. Why isn't there a Wal-Mart in Iraq? ....because there is a target in every corner.
  6. What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have? The ones that roll-back.
  7. There are no Wal-Marts in Syria Only Targets
  8. What do Michael Jackson an Wal*Mart have in common Children's pants half off
  9. Are there any Wal-Marts in Syria or only Targets? Asking for a friend... Well?
  10. Yo Mama's like Wal-Mart. Errybody's been to her grand opening!
  11. Where do Wildlings get their clothes? North of the Wal-Mart
  12. What do you call the Wal Mart cheer? Spelling classes!
  13. A woman at Wal-mart said she was better than me. I told her to get off her high scooter.
  14. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
  15. Yo momma so fat, she bounced over Wal-Mart, rolled over KMart, and landed on target.

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Wal Mart Jokes

What funny jokes about wal mart you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean home depot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wal mart pranks.

Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over Wal-Mart, stumbled over K-Mart, and landed on Target.

Yo momma is so ugly that when she walked into Wal-Mart they turned off the security cameras.

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.
Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her.
She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden...
Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart.
The clerk told him to have a nice day.
The next day the clerk was found dead.
The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why.
He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy.
Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"

s**... girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

A Blond Joke from Minnesota.....


It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when a blonde named Sherry got off work.She made her way to her car and
wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She
finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get
stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and
she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been
following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her
daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted,
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

A man and his wife go grocery shopping...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Sometimes at Wal-Mart...

Sometimes at Wal-Mart I like to fill my grocery cart up with wonderful toys. Then I try to find a mother with annoying kids and I hand the kids one of the toys. I make a quick get-a-way so the mother can deal with the aftermath.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding...

..even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In t**..., she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Did you see the homophobic clown at Wal-mart?

yeah, I didnt think so. He is afraid of g**....

Twins

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or s**...?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or s**.... I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

Husband down.. Aisle 7

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

So this guy was driving down a street...

...and felt a bump. He got out of his car quickly and looked to see what he'd hit. Turned out, he'd ran over a cat's tail, and it had come off! He started to panic. What would the owner do? He scooped up the tail-less cat and kicked the tail into a bush, hoping no one would notice.
He ran to his friend for help, asking "What am I going to do? Should I take her to the vet?" to which the friend replied, "No. Take her to Wal-Mart."
"What? Why?!"
"Because," his friend said, "they're the biggest retailers in Canada!"
(For people in other countries: replace Canada with your country)

I found this blond joke to be hilarious...

A blond driving a car became lost in a snow storm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Blonde Special

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual s**... activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.
"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."
The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital s**..., even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."
The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."

I Wish I was a Wal Mart Truck Driver...

Because I missed Tracy Morgan on Saturday.

Jesus went to Wal-Mart

He couldn't believe all the savings.

Why was the wall in a store?

Because it's wal-mart.

Wal-Mart was about to acquire Jet for $3 billion...

But then they realized they could get it cheaper on Amazon.

How do you spot a m**... - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

I applied for a job at Wal-Mart

I didn't get it. They told me I was over qualified. I have all my teeth and my pants fit.

Snow and Ice

A blonde was driving behind a snowplow, she followed him for over an hour. finally the snowplow driver pulls over and asks her what she was doing, she said that her husband had told her that if the roads were covered in snow or ice to find a snowplow and follow it.
He Said" That's very good advice, but I'm done with the Wal-mart parking lot now.do you want to follow me to the mall?"

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brunette replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
"How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied the blonde.
"I think I'm gonna go back to paper."

What does the travel ban look like at Wal-mart?

Well, it's just a small version of regular sized Ban, both the roll-on and invisible solid.

Blonde Near Death Experience

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

Why don't stoners shop at Wal-Mart?

Their prices aren't high.

Did you hear about the man that s**... assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

What do you call a ouija board purchased at Wal-Mart

A Waluigi Board

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

s**... girls are like Wal-Marts

They are both made up of atoms

s**... girls are like Wal-Marts

There was a woman in psych ward who escaped and stole all of Wal-Marts shopping carts.

It's clear, she's a basket case.

According the United States National Tourism Office Wal Mart is the greatest place you can take your family

to see the kind of people you used to have to pay admission to see in a freak show.

My was Michael Jackson in Wal Mart?

He heard boys' pants were half off.
(Just kidding. He's dead.)

Went out to Buy a new Nintendo console ...

Took it hoke and it didn'twork. Wal-Mart was cool. They SWITCHed it out with a working one.

I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't s**....

Don't ever buy comforters from wal-mart.

They always ignore you when you're crying at the end of your night.

I need advice.

My wife and I were walking back to our car thru the Wal-Mart parking lot and I saw a wallet laying on the ground.
In it was the usual stuff, business cards, drivers licence, credit cards and $200.00.
I know that if you find a wallet or purse with a something in it with an address on it,
you can drop it in any public mail box and they will deliver it to the person that lost it, which intend to do.
my dilemma is about the $200.00.




Do I tell my wife about it or keep it all to myself?

Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless c**... it will go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced
in US.
I've been doing my part, and I thank you for your help,

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Twins!

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"
"Because of what im buying?"
"No, because youre ugly"

Batman shampoo

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just saw 'Batman' shampoo in Wal-Mart today," the guy says. "Well, I certainly hope they come out with 'Conditioner Gordon' to go with it," the bartender replies.

jokes about wal mart