Waking Up Early Jokes
70 waking up early jokes and hilarious waking up early puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about waking up early that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Waking Up Early Short Jokes
Short waking up early jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waking up early humour may include short waking up late jokes also.
- I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.
- As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call. She said, you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.
- My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(
- Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
- "Dad, can we wake up early to watch the sun rise?" "No, but you can wake up early to watch dad rise."
- "Hey dad, would you like to wake up early to see the sun rise?" "No, but wouldn't you rather wake up early to see dad rise instead?"
- Why do monks wake up so early and have such an orderly day punctuated with regular prayer times? Well they are creatures of habit after all.
- I had to wake up at 3am to buy concert tickets on a sketchy website. The early bird gets the worm.
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Waking Up Early One Liners
Which waking up early one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waking up early? I can suggest the ones about sleeping early and sleeping late.
- Why do riot police wake up early? ...so they can beat the crowds
- What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
- People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease
- Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early? Because Dawn is tough on Greece!
- Why did the Spanish police wake up and arrive early? So they could beat the crowd
- I have done some really bad things for money Like waking up early for work.
- Riddle Coffee you drink when you wake up early to go hunting for hidden pokemon.
- Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday? To watch Dablooney Toons!
- It has always been hard for me to wake up early in the morning I need me a new AM radio.
- I wake up so early. I wake up so early that I am the one that wakes up the rooster.
- He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
- "Why is it so hard waking up early in the morning?" Because I'm a man.
Waking Up Early Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about waking up early you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean waking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waking up early pranks.
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.
There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge n**... wet f**... with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to f**... your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting f**... all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
Offer to wake up early and make pancakes for your family.
Cut up round, pancake-size pieces of cloth beforehand. Coat the cloth pieces with batter and cook them up. They look like actual pancakes, but can't be cut, even with a knife.
A Man Comes Home Early From Work One Day...
...instead of turning on the lights and waking his wife he decides to surprise her. He sneaks up to his room and makes his way under the blankets where he begins to eat out his wife. When he judges she is done he makes his way to the bathroom to clean himself up before bed. When he opens the bathroom door he is surprised to find his wife already inside. "How did you get in here so fast?" he asks. His wife quietly responds, "I have been in here, but you need to be quiet otherwise you will wake up my mother."
There was once a man who woke up every morning and f**... really loudly...
Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to f**... your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I f**... my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."
Pleasing you girlfriend.
I asked a friend of mine what ways he pleases his girlfriend since I felt I was losing some spark in the bedroom. He told me, "Try waking her up with o**... s**...."
The next morning, I woke up early to see if it would work. She wasn't too amused. She screamed, "What are you doing!? Get that out of my mouth!"
Newly Weds Morgan and Adam have just moved into their new house....
and Morgan looks out the window and sees the neighbor's laundry hanging up to dry. "They need some new detergent, that laundry is still dirty!" The next morning Morgan wakes up and notices that the laundry is still dirty. This happens for the next couple of months, until one day she wakes up and sees that the laundry is clean. "She finally got new detergent!" Adam walks up behind her and says "Oh no, I just woke up early and cleaned the windows."
A long-married man has a routine...
... That greatly bothers his wife. Every morning, he wakes up, gets out of bed, and rips a f**... loud enough to wake the dead (or his living wife).
So, when she has finally had enough, she wants to make sure that he will never wake with his thunderous flatulence.
One morning, she gets up early, and sneaks to the kitchen for a bowl leftover bits and giblets of turkey she had in the fridge. She steals back to the bedroom, places the contents of the bowl in her husband's underwear. Then she goes downstairs, and begins to make breakfast.
After about half an hour, the hears the creak of the mattress, a loud f**..., and a scream of confusion and fear. She chuckles to herself, and continues to make breakfast with a smirk on her face.
After another half hour, she begins to wonder: Where *is* her husband? But her query is answered within minutes. Her husband waddles into the kitchen looking happy.
She asks, "What was that scream about?"
And her husband replies: "Honey, somehow I managed to f**... my guts out. But, with a little luck, and these two fingers, I was able to shove 'em back in!"
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
A farmer is drinkin' in his barn one night...
and decides to go wake his wife. He grabs a goat and heads up to their barn loft, wakes her up, and says "Hey! This here's the pig I've been f**...' ". She replies, "But Earlie, that there's a goat.." "I was talkin' to the goat!"
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."
A man is busy at work and forgets that it is his wife's birthday...
When he gets home, his wife is completely enraged. "I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME SOMETHING THAT CAN GO FROM 0-200 IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS!". The man cowers under his wife and nods his head.
The next morning the man leaves early for work and puts a small package on the driveway. When his wife wakes up, she looks outside and sees the package. Confused, she grabs her coat and runs outside. She rips up the paper, expecting to see keys, but instead there is a weight scale.
The man has been missing for several days.
Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...
The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money.
They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one and get his scalp, but they figure that fifty dollars isn't a good enough payout and so they set up camp in a valley for the night with the hopes of getting more the next day.
The next morning Jimbo wakes up early and starts cooking some breakfast on the campfire when suddenly all around the whole ridge around their valley campsite hundreds of angry Apache Indians appear holding their spears and bows staring at the Jimbo like death.
Jimbo's eyes go wide and he darts into the tent "Jon! Jon! Wake up!" He yells, shaking Jon awake. "We're gonna be RICH!"
One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...
... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.
About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,
"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."
So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.
As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"
A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.
So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"
A mother tries to convince her son to go to school
Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
Son: Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.
Mom: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
Son:
One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me.
Mom: Oh, that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.
Son: Okay, you give me two good reasons why I should go to school!"
Mom:
One,
you are FIFTY-TWO years old,
And should understand your responsibilities.
Two,
You're the principal of the school! "
Johnny's wife Suzy is upset...
...Johnny has forgot their anniversary.
Suzy says, "If tomorrow I don't see a shiny, metal object that can go from 0 to 300 in a few seconds by tomorrow, I'm leaving you!"
The next day, Johnny wakes up early and goes to work. Suzy wakes up, looks into the driveway and sees a big box sitting there. Suzy runs down and opens it.
Inside she finds bathroom scales.
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
A couple had fight
A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.
Silent Treatment [Long]
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said...
It is 5:00am, wake up.
Wife comes home late at night.
Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.
Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, there are two. She flings open the closet and grabs the bat. After several good thwacks she drops the bat and runs downstairs, aghast at what she may have done.
Once she makes it to the kitchen, she spots her husband. "Hey honey. You're home early. Hope you don't mind, but my parents' heater went out and I gave them our bed for the night."
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
The silent treatment
A husband and wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM, love you." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Love you more."
A man writing in his diary:
I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
funny husband and wife playing silent .......
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up.
Give me two good reasons
Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.
In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
SON : Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.
MOM : Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go to school??
SON : "One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me!!
MOM : Oh! that's not a reason darling. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON : OK. You give me two good reasons, WHY I should go to school?
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old, and should understand your responsibilities!
Two You are the 'PRINCIPAL' of the school "😂
Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.
"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."
"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"
Women are just too clever
A man an his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, the man wrote on a piece of paper, " please wake me up at 5:00 am", and put it where his wife could see it.
The next morning he woke up only to find that it was 9:00 am, and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn't waken him up when he found a paper next to the bed.
It said, " its 5:00 am, wake up"
A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.
One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".
This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.
One day when he left for work his friend, who knew about their unstable relationship, noticed him smiling and asked him what happened
"I beat my wife up this morning"
Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping together
They Fall asleep early due to a long day.
In the middle of the night, Lone Ranger wakes up and speaks to Tonto who's now awake as well
It's a beautiful night Tonto Says
How so? Replies Lone Ranger
There are many stars in the sky Tonto Replies
You know what that means, don't you? Lone Ranger asks suddenly more frantically
Yes, that means many spirits are watching us Tonto Explains calmly
To which Lone Ranger replied
No you d**..., it means somebody stole our tent!
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"