Wake Up Jokes
109 wake up jokes and hilarious wake up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wake up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wake Up Short Jokes
Short wake up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wake up humour may include short awoke jokes also.
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
- It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
- A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube) - Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.
- A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms." - An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing 'Don't Stop Believing'. It was an unexpected Journey.
- An australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die" - My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
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Wake Up One Liners
Which wake up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wake up? I can suggest the ones about awake and stay awake.
- Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
- Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.
- Why do riot police wake up early? ...so they can beat the crowds
- Bilbo wakes up suddenly to Don't Stop Believing. It was an unexpected Journey.
- Your mama is so ugly Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.
- I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
- Why do ballerinas dance on their toes? So they don't wake up the audience!
- Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy... ...but sometimes, I let her sleep.
- What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
- Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.
- What's the hardest part about being a vegan? Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
- Today I woke up an optimist... He thanked me for waking him up
- What's the first thing Batman does when he wakes up? He goes to the Batroom.
- I didn't wake up grumpy today I let her sleep in.
- People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease
Wake Up Call Jokes
Here is a list of funny wake up call jokes and even better wake up call puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a group of soldiers that wakes you up? An alarmy
- I just asked Siri for a wake up call... She sent a photo of me, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans.
- I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call She said, "your best years are slipping away from you!
You drink too much.
What are you *doing* with your life...?!? - What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field? amaized.
- The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call. So the next morning the front desk called me and asked "What are you doing with your life?"
"I'm up." - What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience? Veggietales.
- As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call. She said, you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.
- The US must be very tired... They've certainly missed all the wake up calls.
- In town for business and called down to the front desk for a wake up call. The next morning the phone rings, "what are you doing with your life".
- I had a dream my family surprised me with an intervention. It was a good wake-up call.
The Funniest Wake Up Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about wake up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean woken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wake up pranks.
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...
But not my Sister.
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r**... w**... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'
A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"
The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him
"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"
Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....
You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
There were 3 moles living in a hole...
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Some mornings I wake up b**......
Other mornings I let her sleep.
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...
Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."
Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Why did the emo s**... an alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
A lawyer had just undergone surgery
...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
A nun is walking to church.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"
The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"
A mom walks into her son's room one morning...
Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."
Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"
M: "Why not?"
S: "Because all the kids hate me!"
M: "But you have to go."
S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"
M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 years old and you're the principal!"
Three guys go on a ski trip...
...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best h**... of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...
As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.
"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"
"Linda," the wife replies meekly.
"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"
"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
For years, my wife and I had s**... as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.
Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.
A joke my mom told me when i was younger
An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!
I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-
-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.
So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Two brothers
Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say d**... and you say a**...." The younger brother agrees.
Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some d**... Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.
She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your a**... it won't be Cheerios!"
A man comes home drunk...
As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...
Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?
Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...
As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH
Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???
Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.
Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?
Bob: I was still wearing it
I have this nagging feeling.
It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.
My 90 year old neighbor has Alzheimer's
And every morning when i wake up he's in a panic knocking at my door asking if I'd seen his wife, and every day i am forced to remind him that she has been dead for over 10 years...
Honestly i could just move, the house isn't too great, and I've had many opportunities to live in better places..
But the look of pure joy on his face every time i tell him she's dead just makes my day and keeps me from leaving.
This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.
I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Almost every day I hear car alarms going off around the city...
But never in my life have I seen a car wake up
Mom: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school
Son: But why? Everyone in the school hates me
Mom: Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school
Son: Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?
MOM : One, you should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby.
When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
Middle Earth Dreamer
A man is concerned about his dreams and goes to see a doctor.
"Doctor, I've been having these dreams about Middle Earth every night and when I wake up, I'm convinced that I wrote The Lord of the Rings!"
The doctor tells the man, "Don't worry about it, you're just Tolkien in your sleep."
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...
The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.
Three old farts talking
Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.
The 70-year-old says,
\- I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."
The 80-year-old says,
\- It's my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always having to jam this walker to full speed."
The 90-year-old retorts,
\- I've got it all over you guys. Bladder works find, 7 AM like clockwork. Bowels at eight. Everything works like it order. Long pause;
\- I only wish I could wake up before noon.
Between Coffee and c**...…
…it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?
Apparently, I did and won't be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."
I think i am allergic to leather.
Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.
Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress
When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a h**......It was friggin awesome."
Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a h**... dream too!"
While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the center said, "Lucky stiffs. In my dream, I was skiing."
Travelling Tip
Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.
I leave the number of the room next to me.
It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,
"Why are you calling me?"
Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.
Sometimes I wake up moody...
The other times, i let her sleep.
One of the best feelings in the world is to wake up with someone cuddling with you...
Unless you're in prison.
What's the worst thing to do after a f**...?
Wake up.
I always walk very quietly past pharmacies...
so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.
Confucious say...
Confucious say a boy who goes to bed with s**... problem wake up with solution in hand.
When you wake up and think life s**....
But at least my name is not North Kardashian West
My 7 yo son: Imagine this room has no doors or windows, how do you get out?
Me: Break the wall?
Him: Just wake up from your imagination.
Husband asks Wife to make coffee
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee? Wife looks confused, But that's your task, honey. woman says What? Why? man asks. It's all over the Bible, dear. woman replies The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee! man replies confused. The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.
I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.
Problem is... I wake up at 7.
I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.
I was right.
s**... is the best thing to wake up to...
Unless you're in prison.
True t**... is to wake up one morning and discover
that your high school class is running the country.
A woman sees a bunch of children playing on their phones in a sandbox while their teacher is sleeping on a bench. She runs to the teacher.
The woman tries to wake up the teacher.
"Hey, get up! Your children are going to run away!"
The teacher groans and says,
"No, they don't get free Wi-Fi anywhere else."
I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo
But the order they happened was 2,3,1
Justin Bieber....
I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
Funny joke (i hope so)
Patient: hey doc i take s**... every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock
I used to wake up grumpy
Now I just let her sleep in
Doctor, I've got a problem
Doc: What is that?
Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep p**... everyday at 8 am sharp.
Doc: How is that a problem?
Gramps: I wake up at 9am.
Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck
Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to
A pregnant lady went into a coma
Months later she wake up, no longer pregnant
"You had twins, a boy and a girl" the nurse exclaims "your brother named them"
"What did he name the girl?" the woman asked
"Denise"
"That's alright, I like Denise, what about the boy?"
"Denephew"
In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"
"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"
"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"
"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."
"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"
TIL I'm allergic to leather.
Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.
Sugar
A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."
What do old men wake up to?
A morning wouldn't.
Three men go to a ski resort...
there aren't enough rooms left so they all share one room which only has one bed. In the morning the three men wake up, the one on the left says "I just had the most amazing dream" The man on the right replies "Really what happened?" "Well I just had the best dream h**..." "No way! I just had the same dream." To which the man in the middle responds "Hmm that's weird, I had a dream about skiing."
Some say women have it hard, try being a man
We wake up everyday only to hold a blade to our face and tie a noose around our neck.
water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,
drown them
How Do You Wake Up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.
Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning
The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"
