Wake Morning Jokes
104 wake morning jokes and hilarious wake morning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wake morning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wake Morning Short Jokes
Short wake morning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wake morning humour may include short woke morning jokes also.
- It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
- My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
- I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.
- Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning? She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
- British Joke I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...
- I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise. I was right.
- I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo But the order they happened was 2,3,1
- How do cannibals get ready in the morning? Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.
- A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say? Ouch, my nose!
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Wake Morning One Liners
Which wake morning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wake morning? I can suggest the ones about wake up call and early morning.
- Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy... ...but sometimes, I let her sleep.
- What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
- I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM. Problem is... I wake up at 7.
- What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.
- You know what really ruins my day? Waking up in the morning.
- What's the first thing a baker does in the morning? Wake and Bake
- A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.
- What did the dead blues musician sing? "Didn't wake up this morning..."
- What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning? Another day.
- I always wake up saying "i would like to [...]" I call it "Morning wood".
- How does someone without an alarm clock in Chicago wake up in the morning? Police sirens
- What does a physicist say when he wakes up in the morning? Up an atom!
- What does Donald hate about mornings? Always waking up with morning wouldn't
- What does Hamlet say when he wakes up in the morning? *"Eye, there's the rub!"*
- My phone failed to wake me up this morning... I was quiet alarmed.
Cheeky Wake Morning Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about wake morning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wake up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wake morning pranks.
Watermelon Farmer.
This is the best joke I know so I thought I would share, as far as I know it's original.
A successful watermelon farmer is having some trouble. Some kids keep stealing his crops at night while he sleeping.
To scare them away he makes a sign saying "Caution: One of these watermelons are poisoned".
The next morning, he wakes up to this sign: "Caution: Now two of these watermelons are poisoned".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman of my dreams
My wife asked this morning, "How come you don't wake up with an e**...?" I replied, "Because you're the woman of my dreams."
When I wake up every morning, things always go well.
I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?
amaized.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dreams.
3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting j**... off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky b**.... I just dreamed I was skiing."
Waking your husband for work in the morning...
"Baby, get up, it's time to go to work. Hooneey, it's time to get up! Get. Up... you need to get up, now! No, sweetie - all of you needs to get up!"
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."
Came up with this years ago while waiting for my mom to wake up that morning.
What happened when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.
So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
Young boy and his grandpa
A young boy is sitting and talking with his grandpa. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, you ever play Call of Duty?" The grandfather looks at the boy and replies, "Every morning when I wake up."
Yummy
So a husband and wife wake up one morning and the husband is the first to go to the bathroom. The wife patiently waits her turn until she hears her hair dryer is on. Confused and curious she opens the bathroom door to find her husband blow drying his junk. Naturally, she asks him what he is doing to which he responds, "Heating up your breakfast."
Automatic light
A husband speaks to his wife after waking up in the morning, frantic.
"Honey, you won't believe it! I went to the bathroom last night and the light turned on automatically! Weird huh?"
Annoyed, she yells at him:
"You crapped in the fridge again!"
The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call.
So the next morning the front desk called me and asked "What are you doing with your life?"
"I'm up."
The appointment.
Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"
The logger
So a logger wakes up in the morning and goes off into the forest with his waist-bag, to find some firewood.
After finding some wood, he puts it into his waist-bag and is returning home when a man stops him and asks "What's that bulge in your bag?"
"Oh," says the logger. "Just some morning wood."
Two friends were having a conversation...
The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."
Sugar
A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother wakes her son in the morning
'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'
'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'
'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'
'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'
'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'
'Tell me two reasons why you think I should go!'
'Firstly: you're 47. Secondly: you're the headmaster!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate when I wake up in the morning hungover with p**... drawn on my face,
Especially since I was drinking alone last night
If you wake up on Christmas morning with a bad taste in your mouth
Remember, Santa only comes around once a year to empty his sack.
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...
Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation.
Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."
Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."
A priest and a minister were golfing...
...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.
The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"
And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been having my morning p**... at 7:15am every single day for the past 10 or so years
Pity I always wake up at 7:30!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies
at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like m**....
My dog is always so excited when I wake up each morning...
It means it is her turn to use my pillow.
Wake up!
Following a serious argument couple decide not to talk to each other for a while.
Next night husband leaves a note on the kitchen desk: Wake me up at 6 in the morning, I have a flight.
When he wakes up at 8, panics and as he rushes to dressing room, sees a note at the bedside table: Wake up, it is 6!
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
Do you ever wake up, make love to the person next to you and be thankful you're alive?
I did this morning, I have to stop falling asleep at the morgue.
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs.
He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read This isn't working. I'm at my mother's. He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
Why is it so difficult to wake up certain NBA players in the morning?
They always think they're already up.
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...
The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.
An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.
When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says "watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies " Nah mate, I got here yesterday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Super Dave Seinfeld Joke
A woman is vary afraid of the size of her opening, so she goes to her mother asking what I'm going to do ...
I'm so big down there when I merry my man he's going to divorce me !
Mother says: Don't worry sweetheart, do what i do when i married your father, go to the market, get some raw liver and put it down there and he will never know the difference !
So she does that and had 8 hours of s**... after her marriage. The morning after she wakes up she found a note from her husband under the pillow.
The note says: I love you darling, my heart beaten so hard last night I was afraid I was going to wake you up. Now I'm going to work so I can buy you a house, a car and all the stuff you want ! I can't wait to see you again after work !
P.S. - YOUR c**... IS IN THE SINK !
Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.
"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."
"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.
That way I always wake up with a morning w**....
Peter wakes up one morning
"I don't wanna go to the school!"
"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"
"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"
"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and the principal. GO TO WORK!"
My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches
She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(
Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?
So she could wake up oily in the morning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"
"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"
"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"
"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."
"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"
Let's try a joke I learned in the Philippines
A Filipino woman and her husband, an American, wake up the morning after their wedding and decide to take a shower together. In the middle of their fun, the water cuts out (as sometimes happens in the Philippines). The wife cries out, "Ay! Walang tubig!" ("Oh no! No water!" in Tagalog).
The husband replies, "Babe, you're wonderful, but if I'm being completely honest, it's not big, it's a little below average."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Regular as clockwork...
Every morning I pee at 6:15AM, then p**... at 6:30AM. Problem is I don't wake up until 7AM.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My elderly dad goes to the doctor
He says the doctor, doc, every morning at 7AM I take a s**....
The doctor says, sir, that's amazing that you can be so regular at your age.
My father replies, I don't think you understand. I wake up at 8.
Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning
The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and b**... functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I c**... like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
4 kids are at a party on sunday night
They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn't be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded ok, you can take the test tomorrow
The next day the kids are at school. The professor says you all have to take the test in separate rooms
Fair the kids responded.
The first question was worth 5 points and said what is 5+5 .
Easy enough said one of the kids in their test room.
The second question was worth 95 points. It said which tire was flat
Guy goes to the doctor and says he poops every morning at 8
The doctor asks so, what is the problem , and the guy says I wake up at 9
What type of coffee wake you up the best in the morning?
Any coffee that spilt over your laptop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.
It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.
She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "
Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, making out in your room?
And he threatened that if I didnt marry you immediately he would make sure I got 20 years in jail?"
"Yeah, I remember," she answered.
He sobbed, "I would have gotten out of jail today...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men wake up a**... in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Three ants take shelter from the rain in somebodies bathroom.
The first ant says, I'm going to sleep in the sink
The second ant says, I'll sleep in the tub
The third ant says, I'll get the best sleep of all and sleep in the toilet!
The next morning, the three ants wake up.
The first ant says, I slept great last night!
The second ant says, I also had a great sleep!
The third ant says, I hardly slept at all! It rained, thundered, and a log fell on my head!
Despite being in my mid-forties, every morning when I wake up, I feel like a twenty-year-old...
But there's never one available.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funny joke (i hope so)
Patient: hey doc i take s**... every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock
Husband asks Wife to make coffee
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee? Wife looks confused, But that's your task, honey. woman says What? Why? man asks. It's all over the Bible, dear. woman replies The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee! man replies confused. The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two brothers
Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say d**... and you say a**...." The younger brother agrees.
Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some d**... Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.
She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your a**... it won't be Cheerios!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r**... w**... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amber Heard's morning routine
1). Wake Up
2). Eat Breakfast
3). Take a s**...
4). Get out of bed
5). Shower
Maurice is 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.
His doctor asks him a few questions: "Do you have any problems urinating?"
Maurice replies "No, Doctor. It's very regular, every morning at 7am."
"And what about your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies "They're fine also, Doctor. Every morning at 8am."
"So then why did you come to see me?"
"I don't wake up until 9am"