Wake Jokes
174 wake jokes and hilarious wake puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wake that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out these unconventional jokes at an Irish Wake. From wake up call to awoke, you'll be up and laughing in no time. Read this collection of funny jokes to brighten up the somber atmosphere of a wake.
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Funniest Wake Short Jokes
Short wake jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wake humour may include short woke jokes also.
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
- It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
- A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube) - Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.
- A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms." - An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing 'Don't Stop Believing'. It was an unexpected Journey.
- An australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die" - My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
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Wake One Liners
Which wake one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wake? I can suggest the ones about sleep and awoke.
- Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
- Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.
- Why do riot police wake up early? ...so they can beat the crowds
- Bilbo wakes up suddenly to Don't Stop Believing. It was an unexpected Journey.
- Your mama is so ugly Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.
- I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
- Why do ballerinas dance on their toes? So they don't wake up the audience!
- Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy... ...but sometimes, I let her sleep.
- What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
- Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.
- What's the hardest part about being a vegan? Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
- Today I woke up an optimist... He thanked me for waking him up
- What's the first thing Batman does when he wakes up? He goes to the Batroom.
- I didn't wake up grumpy today I let her sleep in.
- People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease
Wake Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny wake up jokes and even better wake up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms" - I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.
- Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
- A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
- Scariest thing ever The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!
- What's the best thing about being Joe Biden? Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.
- I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day- -that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.
- Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
- whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? There is one less drunk at the wake
- I have this nagging feeling. It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.
Wake Morning Jokes
Here is a list of funny wake morning jokes and even better wake morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
- Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning? She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
- British Joke I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...
- I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM. Problem is... I wake up at 7.
- I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise. I was right.
- I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo But the order they happened was 2,3,1
- How do cannibals get ready in the morning? Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.
- What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.
- A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say? Ouch, my nose!
Wake Up Call Jokes
Here is a list of funny wake up call jokes and even better wake up call puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a group of soldiers that wakes you up? An alarmy
- I just asked Siri for a wake up call... She sent a photo of me, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans.
- I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call She said, "your best years are slipping away from you!
You drink too much.
What are you *doing* with your life...?!? - What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field? amaized.
- The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call. So the next morning the front desk called me and asked "What are you doing with your life?"
"I'm up." - What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience? Veggietales.
- As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call. She said, you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.
- The US must be very tired... They've certainly missed all the wake up calls.
- In town for business and called down to the front desk for a wake up call. The next morning the phone rings, "what are you doing with your life".
- I had a dream my family surprised me with an intervention. It was a good wake-up call.
Irish Wake Jokes
Here is a list of funny irish wake jokes and even better irish wake puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An Irish wake Partying is such sweet sorrow.
Wake Forest Jokes
Here is a list of funny wake forest jokes and even better wake forest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What condition did the environmentalist wake up with every day after a local forest fire? Mourning Wood...
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... The sound it makes will still wake me up at 4:00 AM.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Wake Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about wake you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean waking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wake pranks.
I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"
That ought to wake people up.
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...
...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Woman of my dreams
My wife asked this morning, "How come you don't wake up with an e**...?" I replied, "Because you're the woman of my dreams."
Travelling Tip
Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.
I leave the number of the room next to me.
It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,
"Why are you calling me?"
Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.
An old man at the doctors office...
His daughter took him to a doctor for a check up. During the check up - the doctor asks the old man about his visits to the toilet at night, and he replies: "I wake up, walk to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me". Confused, the doctor finishes his procedure and tells the old mans daughter about the whole "God-light" thing. To which she replies: "Oh no! He's been using the fridge again!"
There were 3 moles living in a hole...
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
Middle Earth Dreamer
A man is concerned about his dreams and goes to see a doctor.
"Doctor, I've been having these dreams about Middle Earth every night and when I wake up, I'm convinced that I wrote The Lord of the Rings!"
The doctor tells the man, "Don't worry about it, you're just Tolkien in your sleep."
I think i am allergic to leather.
Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Tim is out drinking one night...
He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."
A p**... was b**... on my hotel door last night.
I was afraid she would wake the neighbors, so I let her out.
A man on his death bed
A man on his death bed smells cookies, gets up and walks into his kitchen. He asks his wife if he can have a cookie. The wife tells him to get out of here, those are for the wake
Some say women have it hard, try being a man
We wake up everyday only to hold a blade to our face and tie a noose around our neck.
Sometimes I wake up moody...
The other times, i let her sleep.
Three guys go on a ski trip...
...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best h**... of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"
A woman sees a bunch of children playing on their phones in a sandbox while their teacher is sleeping on a bench. She runs to the teacher.
The woman tries to wake up the teacher.
"Hey, get up! Your children are going to run away!"
The teacher groans and says,
"No, they don't get free Wi-Fi anywhere else."
Two friends were having a conversation...
The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."
Sometimes I wake up grouchy
sometimes I let her sleep
Sugar
A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."
Three men go to a ski resort...
there aren't enough rooms left so they all share one room which only has one bed. In the morning the three men wake up, the one on the left says "I just had the most amazing dream" The man on the right replies "Really what happened?" "Well I just had the best dream h**..." "No way! I just had the same dream." To which the man in the middle responds "Hmm that's weird, I had a dream about skiing."
Confucious say...
Confucious say a boy who goes to bed with s**... problem wake up with solution in hand.
I was in denial until her wake...
But then I saw her face... now I'm a bereaver
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...
...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.
The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"
Easy - she replied - I call them by their lastname!
A lawyer had just undergone surgery
...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby.
When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...
Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."
Why did the emo s**... an alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
Justin Bieber....
I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
Some mornings I wake up b**......
Other mornings I let her sleep.
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...
But not my Sister.
I was so poor growing up
If I didn't wake up with an e**... I had nothing to play with
I always walk very quietly past pharmacies...
so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.
Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....
You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.
Doctor, I've got a problem
Doc: What is that?
Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep p**... everyday at 8 am sharp.
Doc: How is that a problem?
Gramps: I wake up at 9am.
Three business men share a hotel room but there's only one bed
When they wake in the morning the one on the left says "I had a vivid dream I had s**... with a beautiful blond." The one on the right says "I had a vivid dream I had s**... with a beautiful brunette." The one in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing."
How Do You Wake Up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try o**... to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...
She just kept choking.
One of the best feelings in the world is to wake up with someone cuddling with you...
Unless you're in prison.
Wake up!
Following a serious argument couple decide not to talk to each other for a while.
Next night husband leaves a note on the kitchen desk: Wake me up at 6 in the morning, I have a flight.
When he wakes up at 8, panics and as he rushes to dressing room, sees a note at the bedside table: Wake up, it is 6!
Between Coffee and c**...…
…it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.
In the wake of Trump meeting the "President of v**... Islands", it remind me the two sides of Trump's brain: "left" and "right"...
In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.
water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,
drown them
I wake up at 6AM everyday
In someone else's time zone
A Christian couple
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
What? Why?
"It's all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.
So wake me up when it's all over
Avicii passed away today ...
...looks like no one's going to be able to wake him up when it's all over.
RIP.
s**... is the best thing to wake up to...
Unless you're in prison.
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...
The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.
Fun fact:
No matter how much you try to prevent it, one day you may wake up with a large washbasin knocking on your door.
Just let that sink in.
Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.
"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."
"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"
A man comes home drunk...
As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...
Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?
Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...
As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH
Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???
Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.
Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?
Bob: I was still wearing it
I went to wake up my parents and accidentally stepped on my moms bra.
It was a b**... trap
In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"
"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"
"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"
"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."
"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"
A pregnant lady went into a coma
Months later she wake up, no longer pregnant
"You had twins, a boy and a girl" the nurse exclaims "your brother named them"
"What did he name the girl?" the woman asked
"Denise"
"That's alright, I like Denise, what about the boy?"
"Denephew"
Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck
Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
