Wake Jokes

Following is our collection of unconventional humor and awake one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Wake puns for adults, dirty hangover jokes or clean woke gags for kids.

There is an abundance of morning jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes on wake. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any asleep witze you can hear about wake.

The Best jokes about Wake

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over


Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.

The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.

Which tire was flat?

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.


Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.


A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekly.

"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"

"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."

Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?

So they don't wake up the audience!

I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-

-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

I have this nagging feeling.

It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.

A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...

Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?

Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...

As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH

Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???

Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.

Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?

Bob: I was still wearing it

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Two friends were having a conversation...

The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."

whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

There is one less drunk at the wake

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Why do golf commentators speak softly?

To not wake the audience.

This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby.

When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

Middle Earth Dreamer

A man is concerned about his dreams and goes to see a doctor.

"Doctor, I've been having these dreams about Middle Earth every night and when I wake up, I'm convinced that I wrote The Lord of the Rings!"

The doctor tells the man, "Don't worry about it, you're just Tolkien in your sleep."

Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...

The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.

The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.

The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.

The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?

The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Between Coffee and Cocaine…

…it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.

A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.

The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

Avicii passed away today ...

...looks like no one's going to be able to wake him up when it's all over.

RIP.

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

I think i am allergic to leather.

Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.

A doctor overhears two 8 year olds on hospital beds next to each other

The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kids says, "I'm here to get my tonsils removed, I'm a little scared."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I did that when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice cream, and it's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid gasps, "Woah, good luck buddy, I had that done a long time ago..."

"**I couldn't walk for a year"**

Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.

Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, there are two. She flings open the closet and grabs the bat. After several good thwacks she drops the bat and runs downstairs, aghast at what she may have done.

Once she makes it to the kitchen, she spots her husband. "Hey honey. You're home early. Hope you don't mind, but my parents' heater went out and I gave them our bed for the night."

I don't want to get up, Papa.

An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!

John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.

The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.

John says, I don't want to go to school.

Why not? asks the father.

Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.

And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.

Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.

SON : Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.
MOM : Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go to school??
SON : "One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me!!
MOM : Oh! that's not a reason darling. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON : OK. You give me two good reasons, WHY I should go to school?
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old, and should understand your responsibilities!
Two You are the 'PRINCIPAL' of the school "πŸ˜‚

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wrote "half the bottle is sufficient", signed, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up last, saw the fire and the paper, processed to dump the whole bottle into the fire, and went back to sleep without signing anything.

Travelling Tip

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me.

It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,

"Why are you calling me?"

Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"

That ought to wake people up.

I didn't wake up grumpy today

I let her sleep in.

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I'll buy you another one, . The man whines First I wake up and my wife left me and took my kids, then I go to get my car and my wife took it, then I go to work and my job has been taken and I was replaced, so I came here, got a shot, and put poison in it, and you took my shot! .

Three businessmen go on a business trip,

and they decide to share a hotel room. They go to sleep the night before their conference and after they wake up, they talk about their dreams the night before while getting dressed.

One man, who slept on the left end of the bed, said "I had a dream last night that I was getting the world's best hand-job from the hottest girl."

Another man, who slept on the right end of the bed, said "Funny, I had the exact same dream."

The last man, who slept in the middle of the bed, said "I didn't have that dream. I dreamt I was skiing."

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?

So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom...

...they were discussing where they were going to sleep. The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected." The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."

The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept. The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested. The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head. The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night. I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining! Then it got dark and started thundering, if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"


(Kind of juvenile, I know, my grandmother told me this when I was about 8. Funniest thing I'd ever heard and never forgot it. Just wanted to share.)

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

Sometimes I wake up moody...

The other times, i let her sleep.

One of the best feelings in the world is to wake up with someone cuddling with you...

Unless you're in prison.

I always walk very quietly past pharmacies...

so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.

Confucious say...

Confucious say a boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

A hunter and his friend.....

A hunter and his friend have been camping in the woods for a few days. One day, however, the hunter noticed his friend was sleeping for a very long time. He repeatedly tries to wake him up, but fails each time. He then runs to the cabin near him and dials 911. He says to the operator: "I think my friend is dead!" The operator thinks for a moment, and then says: " Make sure he is really dead, and not just sleeping." There is silence, and then the operator hears a loud bang. The hunter picks up the phone again: "Ok, now what?"

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Sex is the best thing to wake up to...

Unless you're in prison.

An elderly couple live next to a highway...

One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.

The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"

The elderly man replies that it is the middle of the night and he is too old for physical exertion. He then heads back to bed. Upon getting in bed the wife asked him what happened and is shocked to hear that he did not help the stranger. "Go outside and help him right now!" she demands.

The old man begrudgingly gets dressed and walks outside. He looks left and right and doesn't see the man or his car anywhere along the highway. "Where are you?" he shouts.

"Over here on the swings!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes