Waits Jokes
108 waits jokes and hilarious waits puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about waits that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Waits Short Jokes
Short waits jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waits humour may include short waited jokes also.
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - I just saw my chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
- Queue sounds like q followed by 4 silent letters, but… They're just waiting their turn.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- a man is chopping down a tree the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue. - My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues... Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
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Waits One Liners
Which waits one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waits? I can suggest the ones about long wait and awaiting.
- My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee. - If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because... 4:22 is 4:20 too.
- The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn
- The f in orphan stands for family wait
- I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
- Man, if you thought No nut November was bad... Wait until No Net December.
- What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.
- What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
- Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
- What's one nickel minus one nickel? Wait never mind that makes no cents.
- So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse So a man comes into a horse
- Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.
- Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film Taken: Out Of Context.
- TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.
- Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight Oh wait
Tom Waits Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom waits jokes and even better tom waits puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tom Waits for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.
- Singers worry about catching laryngitis... ...but laryngitis worries about catching Tom Waits.
- You're about to deliver a great punchline to a blues-rock legend, but you pause for comedic timing. Tom Waits.
- What does Tom do when he is forced to listen to long boring music? Tom Waits
- Imagine Tom Waits Now imagine Tom Waits singing "Disco Duck".
You're welcome. 🦆 - Tom's boss - "You'll never reach your full potential as long as you're a procrastinator." Tom - "Oh Yea? You just wait."
Silly & Ridiculous Waits Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about waits you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean waiting in line jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waits pranks.
Whats the difference between a Priest and Acne?
*Acne waits until you're a teen to come on your face*
^^^^^^^^^^edit^^^^^^^^^^, ^^^^^^^^^^grammar
An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...
An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed
So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. She holds it still and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Priest and acne.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne usually waits until a boy is twelve to come on his face.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
Three software engineers...
...are riding in a truck that breaks down. They get out, and tries to see what he can see under the hood, but doesn't know anything about cars, another calls a tow truck and waits, and the third says "I don't know what's wrong, let's just get back in the car and see if it happens again"
Whats the difference between a zit and a priest? (My 17 year old camper just said this, made me cringe)
A zit waits till you're a teenager to come on your face.
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
21, 21, 21
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from track to track saying, "21, 21, 21..."
A blonde walks up and sees the brunette. She watches her antics for a while and decides to join in, jumping from track to track saying, "21, 21, 21..."
A train comes, and the brunette hops off the tracks just in time to see the blonde get smeared. She waits patiently for the train to pass, then gets back onto the tracks jumping from track to track saying, "22, 22, 22..."
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
A penguin takes his car to a garage.
The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. So, the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream shop for a treat while he waits.
He returns about an hour later and the mechanic tells him. "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin wipes his beak and says, "I did not. I was eating ice cream."
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne usually waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
Higgs Boson walks into a church during Sunday services...
...and the priest immediately stops preaching and says "We dont like your kind around here. You are not welcome in this church.". The whole church, already silent, waits anxiously when Higgs replies "Why not? You can't have mass without me!"
So a tech support has a house call...
When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just s**... the chocolate off them anyways."
Hot girl at prom
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
Yummy
So a husband and wife wake up one morning and the husband is the first to go to the bathroom. The wife patiently waits her turn until she hears her hair dryer is on. Confused and curious she opens the bathroom door to find her husband blow drying his junk. Naturally, she asks him what he is doing to which he responds, "Heating up your breakfast."
Meanwhile, in England.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
A New York Times reporter is interviewing some people
The first question asked is "What is your honest opinion about the shortage of meat in the world?"
The interview was a huge failure...
The African asks "What does meat mean?".
The American asks "What does shortage mean?".
The Chinese person asks "What does opinion mean?".
The Russian asks "What does honest mean?"
The North Korean just waits. The reporter asks again, and is told "The Interview is no good!"
What's the difference between acne and a Child m**...?
Acne waits till you are 13 to come all over your face.
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom
He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he eventually gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but he eventually gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
I said this when I was 6, and everyone laughed
Two twins came to our house one day, and I kept calling them the wrong names (they were their names, but I said Harry to Thomas and vice-versa)
My dad came to me and said 'can't tell them apart, can ya?'
'No dad, I can't tell 'em together!'
(Waits for downvotes)
A termite walks into a bar...
He waits and waits and nobody appears. He turns to a termite next to him and asks him, "Hey, is the bar tender here?". The second termite says, "Yeah. It's okay".
How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?
She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.
Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.
Guy gets a call from his doctor...
Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news.
Guy: Wow. Ok, well let's start with the worse news.
Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live.
Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease.
Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.
A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..
A guy is in a waiting room and has to f**..., so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"
Why is acne better than a catholic priest?
At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.
Chastity Belt
So, this guy was going to Crusade. He put on a chastity belt on his wife, gave the key to his best friend and said, "if I don't come back in 3 years, set her free." He starts off on his horse. After a while, he sees a big cloud of dust behind him. Someone was riding his horse really fast. So, he waits. The horse catches up to him. It's his best friend.
"You gave me the wrong key", yells his friend.
A man's sister is giving birth, but she can't think of what to name it.
So the man goes to his good friend and asks; "what should my sister name her child?"
And his friend says, "Denise."
The man asks, "but what if her child is a boy?"
And his friend asks for some time to think.
So the man waits a few days and then returns to his friend.
He asks, "have you thought of a name yet?"
"Yes, Denephew."
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb
One. She just sticks the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her
What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?
He waits at the next station
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
The smartest dog
One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."
An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road
Suddenly, he sees a f**... procession driving slowly down the road.
So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.
2 hours later, the f**... director comes up to the man , this time by himself.
"That was very respectful, what you did. I want to thank you for your manners."
"Well," says the man, "it's the least I can do for my wife."
What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?
The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
o**... says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"
The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."
The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
A boy asks a girl to prom..,
..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne waits til you hit puberty to come all over your face.
Why do impatient people hate the gym?
Because there's too many waits.
What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?
A pimple waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.
A penguin's car breaks down
He brings it to his mechanic and the mechanic tells him it will take a while to diagnose the issue. It's a hot day out and so the penguin decides to go across the street to have an ice cream cone while he waits. He then returns to the mechanic's shop and his mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies "oh no, this is just ice cream"
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.
What do you call a T-Rex that waits tables
A DINERsaur.
s**... it, dad.
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.
A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home
When the son comes home:
Dad - So you were at school right?
Son - yeah
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends
Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector - BEEP
Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector - BEEP
How does a feminist screw in a lightbulb?
She holds it and waits for the world to revolve around her
How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a s**... driver?
A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a s**... driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.
An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.
The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition. A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
What is the difference between a drunk and a s**... at a stop sign?
The drunk guy runs it and the s**... waits for it to turn green!
How does Trump change a light bulb?
He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him.
How does a Karen change a lightbulb?
She holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.
John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.
They got off Scott-free.
How does Karen screw in a lightbulb?
She stands there holding the lightbulb and waits for the world to turn around her
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.
She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
A doctor is selling his victims on the dark web. He shows up to the location and no one is there. The doctor waits for hours. When the buyer shows up...
They say "Thank you for your patients"
Just came up with this, as far as I know
A man walks into a gastroenterologist's office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. Sir, why don't you come over here so we can get you checked in? says the receptionist.
That's why I'm here, he says, I have difficulty passing stools.
Waiting and waiting and waiting...
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars are zooming by, while he waits for a break in traffic. Then a Chicken walks by and says " don't do it.. "
" .. you'll never hear the end of it "
A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing
He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.
He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts Dolores! He waits for her response, but nothing comes.
He moves 50 yards closer and shouts Dolores! Still no response from her.
Finally he moves 5 feet away from her and shouts Dolores!
What?! She cries For the third time WHAT?!?
For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes
"Wish granted," says the Genie.
"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.
The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.
"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"
The Genie smirks and responds "I said I would only GRANT three wishes. You have infinite wishes as you wanted now, except I just won't grant them. You should have looked at the dictionary definition for wish first."
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
After a night out on the town, a Jewish couple is taking a cab home.
When they arrive, the cabbie says, "That'll be $46, please."
The husband gives him a $50 bill and waits.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have change to give you." says the cabbie.
The husband says, "No worries, you can take us for a spin around the block a couple of times."
A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....
Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"
Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"
Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"
Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."
Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.
The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.
About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.
Mendel says "So, what do you think?"
The rabbi's eyes drop to the floor and in a low, but clear voice says, "Take the poison".
A guy asks a girl to the school dance
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...
...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"
Married couple during hard financial times....
A man and his wife are having hard financial times and decide that the husband will p**... the wife out.
The man parks and waits while his wife goes around the corner to stir up business.
At the end of the night, the wife comes back to the car, and her husband asks how much she made.
"$100 and 50 cents," the wife says.
"That's great," replies the husband. "But who paid the 50 cents?"
"All of them."
A doctor changes Careers.
A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.
He takes test, and waits for his score.
He gets a 150 out 100. He calls the instructor to find out why he scored it that way.
The instructor says " Well you got 50 points for Diagnosing the issue correctly, 50 points for rebuilding the engine correctly, and 50 points for doing it all thru the exhaust manifold.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence
She explains what intelligence is and then
Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called s**.... Now how many of you think of yourselves as s**..., stand up.
She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.
Teacher: Do you think you are s**...?
Student: No
Teacher: Then why did you stand up?
Student: I felt bad since you're the only one standing.
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
I asked my dermatologist why she waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder
she replied she's reluctant to make a rash decision
A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.
So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is s**...! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"
At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well... you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now."
So the man went home and his wife said "Were they out of sugar?"
And he said, "Yes! And also bullets!"
A boy asks a girl to prom
A boy asks a girl to prom and she says yes.
He wants to looks nice so he heads to the suit store. As there's a lot of prom goers shopping, there's a long suit line.
The boy waits in the line, buys the suit and and leaves to go rent a car.
As there's a lot of prom goers here as well, there's a long rental line.
The boy waits in the line, rents a car and goes to pick up his date.
An hour into dancing, the girl says she's thirsty and asks for a drink. The boy goes to get her some punch.
But there is no punch line.
A bear walks into a bar...
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of..." says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "... scotch."
"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?" asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."
