Waitress Jokes
142 waitress jokes and hilarious waitress puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about waitress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a few laughs? Check out this collection of funny waitress jokes guaranteed to give you a chuckle. From mixologists and cashiers to Waffle House waitresses and blonde jokes, this article is sure to leave you with a smile. April Fools!
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Funniest Waitress Short Jokes
Short waitress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waitress humour may include short waiter jokes also.
- Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.
- I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
- I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
- A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
- Did you hear mike tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
- I waved the waitress over to our table. I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke." - My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
- Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?" "I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...
- Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please? Waitress (slaps me): That's none of your business!
- The waitress told me I could ask her 'anything about the menu' What a liar. She had no idea who printed it or where the paper came from.
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Waitress One Liners
Which waitress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waitress? I can suggest the ones about restaurant server and excuse me waiter.
- Actual joke dad said this morning waitress: How do you like your egg?
dad: in a cake - Why did the girl get the waitress job? You could say she brings a lot to the table....
- Ancient Chinese proverb: Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.
- A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar. Then they open for the day.
- Customer: What do you have with no fat and no sugar?
Waitress: Napkins.. - My waitress at breakfast this morning was really unsettling. She gave me the crêpes.
- Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher We had to fire both of them.
- I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP... Her name was Ilene.
- Make sure you tip your waitress... It's very funny when they fall over.
- Where does a one leg waitress work? Ihop...
- TIL in my IT class what a server originally was called ... A waitress.
- I've satisfied every waitress I've met... With just the tip
- Comfortable, sir? The waitress asked No, no I said, Come for food
- I bumped into my friend who's a waitress the other day She wasn't very happy about it
- I just had my first shot. Going to get my second shot as soon as the waitress gets back.
Tipped Waitress Jokes
Here is a list of funny tipped waitress jokes and even better tipped waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras? If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.
- Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress? Nobody tipped her.
- Why is it annoying dating a waitress? They just want the tip.
- I always tip pregnant waitresses more. It's cheaper than child support.
- What's your mom and a waitress got in common. They both like a huge tip from me
- I dated a waitress once. I tried putting everything into her... But she only ever wanted the tip.
- The waitress insisted that I tip her... So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!
- What do a Rabbi and a Waitress have in common? They both collect tips.
- I hate when waitresses flirt with me.. I can't tell if they just want the tip or if they want just the tip.
- I have a thing for waitresses because they're always in it just for the tip.
Stopped Waitress Jokes
Here is a list of funny stopped waitress jokes and even better stopped waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass? Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
- Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that... She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."
Blonde Waitress Jokes
Here is a list of funny blonde waitress jokes and even better blonde waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A blonde is at the diner A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud:
'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?' - Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag? A: "What did you name the other one?"
Silly Waitress Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about waitress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cashier jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waitress pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... with a waitress s**....
She only takes the tip.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...
A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A q**...!
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A q**...."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A q**..., please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "s**...!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant...
...when the waitress comes over and asked the man "How did you find the steak, sir?" The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."
Two men sit down at a restaurant.
A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Uptime
Two techies are in a restaurant discussing how to get out of an overpriced hosting contract. As the waitress approaches the table, one emphatically says to the other, "Yes, g**..., I want the server to go down on us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man walks into a restaurant in Mississippi
He sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve colored people". The man says, "That's ok, I'll just have the chicken".
Two opposing candidates for county office...
... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
No cream and nothingness
I was sitting in a small café around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.
"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"
I guess she's got me there.
I stopped at a restaurant for dinner. The waitress asked me if I would like a salad, and I said, "I'll pass, even though I know I shouldn't." And she said, "Seahawks fan, huh?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know you're in a seedy part of town
when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is m**... ok?"
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"
I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.
It came with rice and a salad.
My other half and I went to a restaurant.
I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"
"Do you want anything on the side?"
I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.
Waitress: Are you all finished?
Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm swedish.
When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye.
When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
A couple are dining at a German restaurant...
A couple are dining at a German restaurant, and so far it has been awful. The appetizers were cold, the beer was warm, and the main course has been in preparation for over two hours.
They call over their waitress to complain about the appetizers and the beer, and to ask where their entrees are.
She frowns and replies, "The wurst is yet to come."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...
He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know your waitress is having a rough night?
She's got a t**... behind her ear and she can't find her pen.
A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar
The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.
The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.
The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.
The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.
Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"
A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.
The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How you treat the wait staff on a first date
Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.
So now when I'm on a first date, I have s**... with the waitress.
Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?
Now she's working at IHOP.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner
After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a q**... please."
"A q**...?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
Smart waitress
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...
.. I told her to "act her wage".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked the waitress for a q**... and she slapped me.
The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
A koala walks into a restaurant.
He says, "I'll have the minestrone."
The waitress brings it, the koala eats it quickly, then orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress brings it, the koala eats it quickly, then orders a bowl of lobster bisque.
The waitress brings it, the koala eats it quickly, then orders a bowl of gazpacho.
After a while the waitress says, "Wow, you must be hungry."
The koala answers, "No, I'm just a moresoupial."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know what's unique about a lesbian waitress?
Its the only time in her life she'll have to work the tip.
My Dad actually said this is a Denver area Pizza Hut.
A group of maybe 6\-8 of us were finishing up our meal when a rather large woman \(our waitress\) came over and asked my dad if "we wanna box for our left over pizza?" Without skipping a beat, my dad looks her right in the eye and says "no, but I'll wrestle ya for it!". The look on her face was priceless!
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
I'm fine with IHOP changing their name to IHOB
I just feel bad for all the one-legged waitresses who lost their jobs.
"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.
"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"
The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.
She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."
What did the diner waitress say to Attila?
"More coffee, Hun?"
A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress
But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:
`Error: failed to establish connection with server. `
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
At a restaurant....
Guy: hey can i ask a question about the menu please?
Waitress: the men i please is none of your business
A Canadian walks into a restaurant...
He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"
He replies, "Friday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except o**....
A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...
Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.
A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.
They must be small," he says.
"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.
"Well they're old then."
"Fresh today," she answers.
"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.
The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.
"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."
My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably
I guess it wasn't the first time he couldn't connect to the server
Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.
"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "
Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy...
... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out Help, does anyone know CPR?! Yes! I cried. They're three letters in the alphabet! Everyone laughed
Well, except for o**..., I guess he didn't get the joke.
An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.
The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."
I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.
I couldn't connect to the server
Went to a burger joint a while ago
My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."
a traveling salesman ...
So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."
There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.
He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.
As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.
The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.
As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich man brings a p**... to a fancy party
The two enter the ballroom with arms in grasp.
The man, with a new suit, clean shave, and an outrageously expensive watch, was clearly dressed to the nines.
The p**..., barely covered and well worked, had been payed handsomely for her time.
The two approach the bar and both order a whiskey, neat; the prim proper elderly waitress responds with a putrid gasp,
I'm sorry, I cannot serve you, as this is the punch line.
A couple went to a restaurant
Waitress: May I take your orders, please?
Husband: Oh my, aren't you pretty
Waitress: Why, thank you sir
Wife: Tell her about your erectile dysfunction dear
Husband: Of course! How rude of me? Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction. Her name is Samantha.
What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server
