Waitress Jokes

Are you looking for a few laughs? Check out this collection of funny waitress jokes guaranteed to give you a chuckle. From mixologists and cashiers to Waffle House waitresses and blonde jokes, this article is sure to leave you with a smile. April Fools!

Silly Waitress Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Having sex with a waitress sucks.

She only takes the tip.

jokes about waitress

A Quickie!

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant...

...when the waitress comes over and asked the man "How did you find the steak, sir?" The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

Waitress joke, Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A man walks into a bar...

and glances at the menu.

* **Sandwiches, $2**

* **Hand jobs, $5**

He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties.

"Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?"

She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am."

"Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."

A black man walks into a restaurant in Mississippi

He sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve colored people". The man says, "That's ok, I'll just have the chicken".

No cream and nothingness

I was sitting in a small cafΓ© around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.

"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.

"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"

A waitress approaches a table full of jews.

She asks, "is anything alright?"

You can explore waitress cashier reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean waitress quickie dad jokes. There are also waitress puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I thought we had something.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you're a "waitress" who was "doing her job?"

Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly.

Because she obviously doesn't listen.

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

A man in a restaurant says to the waitress...

..."Hi can I have a quickie?"
The waitress gives him a dirty look and walks off. She later approaches the table and the man asks: "Can I please have a quickie?" The waitress responds: "Sir, If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to have to call my manager over." and walks off again.
The man looks completely bemused, so the lady at the table next to his turns and says: "I think it's pronounced 'kee-sh'."

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Waitress joke, Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered veeerrryyy slooowwwly, because she obviously doesn't listen.

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...

He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP...

Her name was Ilene.

I walk into a bar...

... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'

'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass?

Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!

Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.

Waitress joke, Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.

"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"

Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."

After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar

The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.

The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.

The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.

The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.

Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"

A guy goes to a particularly strange drive thru...

The menu reads

Burgers - $5
Handjobs - $10

A sexy waitress says "Can I take your order?"

"Are you the girl doing the handjobs?"

"Why yes, I am"

The man hands the waitress $10 and says "Well clean your hands, because I want two burgers."

A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the Wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this one guy.

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

Why did the girl get the waitress job?

You could say she brings a lot to the table....

A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

How about a quickie? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

Burrr… gurrr… King.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

At a restaurant....

Guy: hey can i ask a question about the menu please?

Waitress: the men i please is none of your business

A Canadian walks into a restaurant...

He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"

He replies, "Friday."

Four Karens are sitting in a restaurant...

A waitress comes up to their table and says "Good afternoon ladies, is anything alright?"

A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....

Hello sir, what would you like to order?

I'll have a quickie please sweetheart...

Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?

I really want a quickie, please, you know? Tart...

With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.

One of the other customers leans over and says 'excuse me mate, it's pronounced 'Quiche'

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?

I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn't the first time he couldn't connect to the server

Say what you want to say about waitresses

But they bring a lot to the table.

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.

The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.

The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.

The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.

"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn't connect to the server

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.

The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.

As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.

Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guys says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

My waitress at breakfast this morning was really unsettling.

She gave me the crΓͺpes.

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.

I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

I thought we had something.

You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you're "a waitress " who was "doing her job"

The waitress asked me if I wanted a box for our leftovers.

I said no but I'll wrestle you for it.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

"Because she has no taste."

in the restaurant:

Waitress: Hello, my name is Pam, what can I get you?

Husband: Hello Pam, you are very beautiful.

Wife: Why don't you tell her about your erectile dysfunction?

Husband: OK. Pam, this is my erectile dysfunction, her name is Jane.

he was talking about money

It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride

staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered.

My goodness, said the waitress. You don't look so good,

but aren't you the bride with the older husband?

Yes I am, he's 75, but I've discovered he's pulled a dreadful

trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years,

I thought he was talking about money.

A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress (slaps me): That's none of your business!

Ancient Chinese proverb:

Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.

Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.

I'd like the beef stew and a kind word, he said to the waitress.

After she dropped off the stew he said What about the kind word?

The waitress smiled at him and whispered Don't eat the stew.

A man is in diner with his two young boys...

The waitress comes to the table to take their order. The man says, "I'll have the chicken fried steak."

She jots that down and asks the oldest boy "What would you like, sweetie?"

The boys answers, "I'll have a god damn cheeseburger."

The father angrily backhands the boy.

The waitress asks the other boy, "What would you like, hon?"

The boy says, "Well... I don't know. But you can bet your sweet ass I ain't gonna have a god damn cheeseburger!"

Seafood for thought

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…

A man on a business trip went out for breakfast

When the waitress came to his booth, she asked "What can we get you?"

The man paused and said "I'll tell you what- I'd like the special, but I want my toast burned to a crisp, my bacon rubbery, my coffee weak and when you bring me the food I want you to yell at me."

Puzzled, the waitress said "What are you, crazy?!"

"No," said the man- "i'm homesick."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the waitress diner puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working waitress blonde waitress piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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