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Waitress Jokes

145 waitress jokes and hilarious waitress puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about waitress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a few laughs? Check out this collection of funny waitress jokes guaranteed to give you a chuckle. From mixologists and cashiers to Waffle House waitresses and blonde jokes, this article is sure to leave you with a smile. April Fools!

Funniest Waitress Short Jokes

Short waitress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waitress humour may include short waiter jokes also.

  1. Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.
  2. I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
  3. I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
  4. A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
  5. Did you hear mike tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
  6. I waved the waitress over to our table. I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
    She said, "Absolutely."
    I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."
  7. My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
  8. Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?" "I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...
  9. Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please? Waitress (slaps me): That's none of your business!
  10. The waitress told me I could ask her 'anything about the menu' What a liar. She had no idea who printed it or where the paper came from.

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Waitress One Liners

Which waitress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waitress? I can suggest the ones about restaurant server and hostess.

  1. Actual joke dad said this morning waitress: How do you like your egg?
    dad: in a cake
  2. Why did the girl get the waitress job? You could say she brings a lot to the table....
  3. Ancient Chinese proverb: Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.
  4. A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar. Then they open for the day.
  5. Customer: What do you have with no fat and no sugar?
    Waitress: Napkins..
  6. Say what you want to say about waitresses But they bring a lot to the table.
  7. My waitress at breakfast this morning was really unsettling. She gave me the crêpes.
  8. A waitress approaches a table full of jews. She asks, "is anything alright?"
  9. Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher We had to fire both of them.
  10. I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP... Her name was Ilene.
  11. Make sure you tip your waitress... It's very funny when they fall over.
  12. Where does a one leg waitress work? Ihop...
  13. where does a one legged waitress work? I-HOP
  14. TIL in my IT class what a server originally was called ... A waitress.
  15. I've satisfied every waitress I've met... With just the tip

Tipped Waitress Jokes

Here is a list of funny tipped waitress jokes and even better tipped waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras? If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.
  • There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
    The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"
    (Saying it aloud helps)
    #Tip your waitresses!
  • You know what's unique about a lesbian waitress? Its the only time in her life she'll have to work the tip.
  • Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress? Nobody tipped her.
  • Why is it annoying dating a waitress? They just want the tip.
  • I always tip pregnant waitresses more. It's cheaper than child support.
  • What's your mom and a waitress got in common. They both like a huge tip from me
  • Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses? Because they always get the tip
  • I dated a waitress once. I tried putting everything into her... But she only ever wanted the tip.
  • The waitress insisted that I tip her... So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!

Stopped Waitress Jokes

Here is a list of funny stopped waitress jokes and even better stopped waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass? Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
  • Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that... She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."
  • They had to stop the leprosy hockey game Due to a face-off in the corner.
    Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress
Waitress joke, They had to stop the leprosy hockey game

Blonde Waitress Jokes

Here is a list of funny blonde waitress jokes and even better blonde waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail. She smiled sweetly and said, * Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster… *
  • The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please?
    Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?
  • A blonde is at the diner A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud:
    'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?'
  • Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag? A: "What did you name the other one?"
Waitress joke, Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

Silly Waitress Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about waitress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean excuse me waiter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waitress pranks.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. h**... $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the h**...?"
She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your f**...' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

Having s**... with a waitress s**....

She only takes the tip.

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

A q**...!

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A q**...."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A q**..., please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "s**...!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant...

...when the waitress comes over and asked the man "How did you find the steak, sir?" The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

A man walks into a bar...

and glances at the menu.
* **Sandwiches, $2**
* **Hand jobs, $5**
He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties.
"Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?"
She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am."
"Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."

A black man walks into a restaurant in Mississippi

He sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve colored people". The man says, "That's ok, I'll just have the chicken".

Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

No cream and nothingness

I was sitting in a small café around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.
"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"

I thought we had something.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you're a "waitress" who was "doing her job?"

You know you're in a seedy part of town

when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is m**... ok?"

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"

Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly.

Because she obviously doesn't listen.

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

A man in a restaurant says to the waitress...

..."Hi can I have a q**...?"
The waitress gives him a dirty look and walks off. She later approaches the table and the man asks: "Can I please have a q**...?" The waitress responds: "Sir, If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to have to call my manager over." and walks off again.
The man looks completely bemused, so the lady at the table next to his turns and says: "I think it's pronounced 'kee-sh'."

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered veeerrryyy slooowwwly, because she obviously doesn't listen.

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?
Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm swedish.

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...

He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

I walk into a bar...

... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except o**......

One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:

**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**

His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."

A Restaurent Manager is Interviewing a Potential Employee, and He Asks Why She'd Be a Good Waitress...

She responds with this: "Well, I guess you could say I bring a lot to the table."

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

A couple are dining at a German restaurant...

A couple are dining at a German restaurant, and so far it has been awful. The appetizers were cold, the beer was warm, and the main course has been in preparation for over two hours.
They call over their waitress to complain about the appetizers and the beer, and to ask where their entrees are.
She frowns and replies, "The wurst is yet to come."

A polar bear walks into a restaurant..

The polar bear tells the waitress,
"I'll have a Diet Coke, a double cheeseburger and a-"
...
...
... "side of fries."
"What's with the long pause!?" The waitress asked.
The polar bear replied,
"I was born with them."

Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for o**....

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar

The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.
The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.
The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.
The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.
Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"

What's the difference between i**... and unlawful?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.
Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day!

A guy goes to a particularly strange drive thru...

The menu reads
Burgers - $5
h**... - $10
A s**... waitress says "Can I take your order?"
"Are you the girl doing the h**...?"
"Why yes, I am"
The man hands the waitress $10 and says "Well clean your hands, because I want two burgers."

A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this o**....

How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.
So now when I'm on a first date, I have s**... with the waitress.

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner

After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a q**... please."
"A q**...?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

I asked the waitress for a q**... and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.

She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

At a restaurant....

Guy: hey can i ask a question about the menu please?
Waitress: the men i please is none of your business

A Canadian walks into a restaurant...

He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"
He replies, "Friday."

Four Karens are sitting in a restaurant...

A waitress comes up to their table and says "Good afternoon ladies, is anything alright?"

A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....

Hello sir, what would you like to order?
I'll have a q**... please sweetheart...
Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?
I really want a q**..., please, you know? Tart...
With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.
One of the other customers leans over and says 'excuse me mate, it's pronounced 'Quiche'

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?

I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except o**....

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

They must be small," he says.
"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.
"Well they're old then."
"Fresh today," she answers.
"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.
The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.
"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn't the first time he couldn't connect to the server

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out Help, does anyone know CPR?! Yes! I cried. They're three letters in the alphabet! Everyone laughed

Well, except for o**..., I guess he didn't get the joke.

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn't connect to the server

Went to a burger joint a while ago

My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.
As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.
The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.

This waitress asked me a really s**... question

She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"
I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.

As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.

Waitress joke, A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.

jokes about waitress