Waiting Room Jokes
91 waiting room jokes and hilarious waiting room puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about waiting room that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Waiting Room Short Jokes
Short waiting room jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waiting room humour may include short hospital waiting room jokes also.
- I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
- I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.
- I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting. I turned off the wifi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.
- A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"
Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today." - My girlfriend wanted to do doctor roleplaying. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour while she saw two other patients who came in after me.
- What's the difference between young girls and photographs? After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.
- I was waiting on my food, when my waitress slipped on a wet spot in the dining room The cook yelled from the back sorry for the long wait times, but our server is currently down
- My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately. What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?
- The British Islamic Association has said there is no longer room for extremists within their mosques... Although a waiting list has been set up.
- My son today accidentally drank invisible ink. I'm sat with him in the emergency room waiting to be seen.
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Waiting Room One Liners
Which waiting room one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waiting room? I can suggest the ones about waiting movie and waiting in line.
- What they tell you in the colonoscopy waiting room km13e4yv9ReZNQSVKwx5G9xrGfpM1O
- My imaginary friend died in the emergency room waiting area Doctors refused to admit him
- Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes You patient.
- Notice in a hospital waiting room. "Thanks for being Patient.'
- If you think time heals everything... try sitting it out in the doctors waiting room.
- Why does my room smell like w**... and m**...? Oh wait
Hospital Waiting Room Jokes
Here is a list of funny hospital waiting room jokes and even better hospital waiting room puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting? Imp-Patient!
- Heard in a hospital waiting room. I only read the paper to look at the obituaries. If I am not there. I read the divorces and check for my name. I can then start my day.
Hilarious Fun Waiting Room Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about waiting room you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean long wait jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waiting room pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tatoos of Elvis
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.
The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"
The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".
The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.
The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."
The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"
The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely w**... Nelson."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits the doctor...
...who says to him "*Okay, Sir, I think you're going to have to stop m**..."*
*"But why, Doc?*" the man replies.
"*Because this is the waiting room*".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde at the doctor's office
A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having s**... with her.
She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?
She says: Of course, taking out my h**....
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors.
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 2 takes a pill and says, "Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 3 takes a pill and says, "Thalidomide...I can't knit sleeves."
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...
He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.
"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid tea!" he says.
"Well what do you want from me?" she asks.
"MORE E.R. TEA!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The three fathers
A jew, a turkish and a german guy are all waiting in the hospital, while their wifes are giving birth to their sons.
Through a mistake in the hospital, the three babies get confused and none of them knows which one is his.
The german guy says: "No problem dudes, I got this" and walks into the room with the babies.
Three minutes later, every father is holding his son in hands. The other two ask: "How did you do that!?"
"Easy", said the german, "I came in and yelled 'Heil h**...!'. My son raised his arm, the jew s**... himself and the turk cleaned it up."
So I'm at the dentist's office...
...in the waiting room when this woman comes storming out, shouting curses and threatening to sue. When she's gone, the dentist is standing in the doorway, speechless, so I ask him, "gee, doc, what's got her knickers in a twist?" And he says, "I don't know, I just asked her to take a shot in the mouth."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Foreplay
After the first week of s**... education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother hears from her son that his dad was cheating on her...
So she decides to wait until they have a family reunion. Then, she asks the kid to say what he saw. The kid gets in front of everyone and says:
So... The maid and dad were in his room. He was n**... and then she started s**... his... Mom, how do you call that thing that you s**... when our neighbour's father visits you?
on fire
The chief of the fire department walks into the room where the other firemen wait and says: "Take it easy boys, the Tax Office is on fire."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the hospital
I went to the hospital today for a Gastroscopy test.
In the waiting room the doctor came through and explained the situation to the four of us sat waiting there.
He explained that I was having the Gastroscopy, which is the camera down the t**....
Whilst the other three were there for a Colonoscopy, which is the camera up the a**.... The doctor asked if we had any questions.
I said: "Yes. Can I go first?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..
A guy is in a waiting room and has to f**..., so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"
Practical joke
An intern decided to play a practical joke on a patient husband. He went to the waiting room. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the intern said "your wife is going to be a vegetable. You will have to bath her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life". The husband said in tears "oh my God!". The intern laughed "no. No. I'm just kidding. She is dead"
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies
The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"
The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to the doctors yesterday and was told I have to stop m**...,
Apparently it was upsetting the other people in the waiting room
A man is sitting in his dentist's waiting room and is visibly nervous.
A kindly nurse comes up to him and says, "Sir don't be nervous, the first time is always the hardest." The gentleman looks up at her and exclaims, 'Don't 'First Time,' me tutz - I've been to the Dentist a million times and I know the drill!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Blonde] A blonde comes home early and finds her husband with another girl...
...so she runs out of the room and the husband follows her. She gets to the kitchen and grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at her head. The husband starts crying as tells her, "Wait don't do it I still love you it was just a mistake!" The blonde replies, "Shut up you're next!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
Have you ever walked into a room for something but forgot what you were doing?
Oh wait, was I making a joke? I can't remember.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is bored of s**... with his wife
* Friend: But whats wrong then? Why are you bored?
* Man: I just don't know man, it's not there anymore.
* Friend: Did you already try to spice things up and be a little creative?
* Man: Creative, what are you talking about?
* Friend: Well, we like to get into role playing and play doctor for an hour. Works every time.
* Man: A whole hour?!? How do you keep that up?
* Friend: First I leave her in the waiting room for about 45 minutes.
Invisible...
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
A Jewish man's mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges...
The judge says, Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange. Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, WAIT! The whole room is shocked. What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment? Asks the judge. Oh No. I think it's very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...
A man robs a bank to get away from his wife...
As he sat on the steps of the bank waiting for the police to come he was relieved with thoughts of never having to see his wife again.
Later In the court room waiting for his ruling, he was excited to finally be somewhere far far away from her.
Seeing this the judge thought of the worst possible sentence that he can give him.
He was given 2 years house arrest.
Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.
One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."
A bent over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office
Within minutes, she came out, but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"
The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."
I showed up to my dentist high
I don't know what bothered him more, me being high and making noise in the waiting room or the part where I wasn't scheduled to come in that day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Patrick wants a bike...
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
Alex Ovechkin invites Sidney Crosby over to watch a movie
Crosby sits down in the theater room, and waits for Ovechkin. Ovechkin finally walks in, and is drinking a cup a water. Crosby says "Hey can i get something to drink?". Ovechkin responds sorry I only have one cup.
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital
Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki
An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.
The nurse comes out of the opperating room as say "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly takes off his hat and says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"
A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.
Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had s**... for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After the wedding, the groom's younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting
while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
It will be your turn after your brother , my father promised me.
Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.
I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"
He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:
You'll see! You'll all see!
Little Tim was waiting for his dad to come back from the basement
Dad and Tim had agreed to eat lunch together. However, Dad told Tim that he had to fix something in the basement first, and he went downstairs with a rope. As time went by, Tim became more and more impatient and decided that dad should know.
"Dad!" Tim shouted. "I'm hungry!"
Suddenly, a voice that seemingly came from nowhere filled the living room.
"Hi hungry, I'm dead"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.
While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.
I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.
After a few minutes, his mother came and saw him finishing the burger.
She got real angry and started shouting.
"Who is the s**... person who gave him this burger. I drove 20 miles to get him tested on an empty stomach."
I
JUST
RAN.
The Mandalorian visited the Dr
The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando the way to the room so he could cool off. Mando asked how long it would take, she said they were behind today and if could be a while, and before he got angry again she looked him dead in the mask, and pointedly said, "this is the wait! I have spoken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... Roberts dies and goes to heaven.
As he gets to the
pearly gates, St.Peter says, "Next." He replies, "o**...
Roberts." "The o**... Roberts?" "Yes St Peter, the o**...
Roberts." St. Peter says, "Wait here a minute. I know someone
anxious to meet you." He goes away for a few minutes and comes
back with a guy on his arm. "Jesus,this is o**... Roberts." "The
o**... Roberts?" o**... says, "Yes Lord, the o**... Roberts!" Jesus
says, "Boy come with me. I know someone that has been waiting
to see you for years." So Jesus leads him into a small room.
Over in the corner is an old man sitting in a rocking
chair. Jesus says, "Hey dad, this is o**... Roberts." "The o**...
Roberts?" o**... says in a very humble voice, "Yes my Lord. The
o**... Roberts.."
God says, "Boy I've been waiting years to see you. Could
you come over here and take a look at my knee. It's been
bothering me for years......."
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room....
and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel this bad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!
The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the m**... when she got pregnant!
All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German man is sitting in a waiting room.
The clock on the wall is going Tick,.....Tick,.....,Tick,.....,
Suddenly he jumps up, rips the face off the clock, bends it's hands behind it's back and says...
"Ve have vays of making you Tock!"
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor!
A worried nurse rushes into the Doctor's office and tells him
"Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who says he hasn't pooped in 12 years! Do you think he's telling the truth?"
The doctor ponders a moment and says " Send him back and I'll check him out. One thing is for certain, either way he's full of s**...."
A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
While waiting to use the men's room at a local bar I noticed everyone would do their business, sing, and then flush.
Then I saw the sign above the u**..., "Flush after using".
A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.
The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."
"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.
"The morgue." replies the doctor.
"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not dead yet!"
"It's a long hallway."
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere
The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you."
The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold.
The Scot goes down and says, "Jewels!" And he also lands in a room filled with jewels.
Finally it is the Irishman's turn and, as he goes down the slide, yells out,
"Weeeeee!"
A doctor is calling in patients from the waiting room
-due to new privacy regulations we aren't allowed to call in patients by their name, so could the lady with hemorrhoids please follow me?
"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.
Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.
He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."
That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my way to Canada.
Anniversary
On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.
Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!
I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum.
I went to a new family doctor today
I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:
"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".
Quite good eh, I thought.
Completed the registration, I sat down in the waiting area, reading the latest car magazine. A moment later, the nurse speak with the mic:
"The man age 32, with haemorrhoids, please proceed to examination room number 3".
A couple is waiting in line with other guests to register at a busy hotel, and eventually are told that the only available room has twin beds.
The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."
The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"
The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!"
The wife then explains, "It's just that if he snores, I want to be able to elbow him."