Waiter Jokes
162 waiter jokes and hilarious waiter puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about waiter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a laugh in the kitchen? Check out this collection of waiter jokes to brighten your day! Featuring some of the most outrageous dishes and delicacies that have been served in a steakhouse, these waiter jokes are sure to have you in stitches!
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Funniest Waiter Short Jokes
Short waiter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waiter humour may include short waitress jokes also.
- My boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those - I just saw my chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.
- A group of Karens are sitting at a restaurant together. A waiter approaches and asks, Is anything OK?
- Two Karens are out having dinner The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
- A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
- In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice." - Wife: I am having an affair Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well. - The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare. He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.
- A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter. - Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water". Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".
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Waiter One Liners
Which waiter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waiter? I can suggest the ones about restaurant server and barkeeper.
- He got the order wrong Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?
- People say being a waiter is a bad job... ... but, hey, it puts food on the table.
- being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job but at least it puts food on the table
- "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
- A tennis ball walks into a restaurant.... a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"
- "Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho" "Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"
- I really hate my job as a waiter But it puts food on the table
- Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery. Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.
- Me: Waiter, My soup is cold Waiter: It's Borscht
Me: Borscht, My soup is cold - Say what you want about waiters But I think they bring a lot to the table
- Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water." Me: "Noice."
- What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?!
- Customer: Waiter, I'm in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.
- If I'm at a restaurant waiting for the waiter... Who's really the waiter?
- Waiter, waiter, why is my apple pie all mashed up?! Sir, you did ask me to step on it.
Waiter Fly Jokes
Here is a list of funny waiter fly jokes and even better waiter fly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in. I said, "Why?"
"Because it *looks* like you've just had s**...," he said, zipping his trouser. - My friend has a job where he keeps seeing flying saucers He's a very clumsy waiter
- A guy goes to a restaurant and orders soup, Guy: "waiter what is this fly doing in my soup?"
*waiter looks at soup*: "it appears to be drowning sir " - "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." The waiter replies, "So sorry, sir. I'll take care of that," and puts a spider in the soup.
"Hopefully this won't take long." - A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!' 'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'
- What did the Venus fly trap say to the waiter? Excuse me, there's no fly in my soup.
- In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation. - Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Calm down sir, it's the near future and insects are our only sustainable protein source.
(cautionary joke) - Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It looks like the backstroke, sir.
- a fly and his prayer Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.
Excuse Me Waiter Jokes
Here is a list of funny excuse me waiter jokes and even better excuse me waiter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Guy orders a steak at a restaurant. The waiter brings it out and its rare.
"Excuse me, I said well done." says the guy
"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you", says the waiter, "Thanks very much!" - The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.
Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.
Waiter: What? - A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants." "That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.
- Excuse me waiter! There's a noodle in my spaghetti!!
- A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"
Hilarious Waiter Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about waiter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tipped waitress jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waiter pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Food snobs
"May I take your order? " the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? "
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "
What about the mad cow?
A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."
The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."
The waiter, a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"
The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."
The Mathematician and the Waiter
A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -
'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.
'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'
Duck in my soup.
Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup...
Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife went out to dinner
A husband and wife went out to dinner. They settled in a nice steak restaurant and begin ordering. The man told the waiter, "I would like a regular sirloin steak." The waiter asks, "and the doneness?" The man says, " I would like it b**...-rare." The concerned waiter asks, "what about Mad-Cow?" The man replies, "Oh, she can order for herself."
Taste the soup
A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.
The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...
-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.
-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!
The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!
A woman is at a café orders the soup de jour, which happens to be alphabet soup that day. But when it arrives it just has ordinary noodles...
She says to the waiter, "Hey, I thought this was supposed to be alphabet soup."
The waiter replies, "It's in *cursive* ma'am."
What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?
Check, mate.
I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...
He thanked me.
So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...
After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
Margaret Thatcher takes the cabinet out for dinner
Margaret Thatcher takes the cabinet out for dinner. The waiter comes along and asks her what she will be eating tonight.
Margaret replies, 'I'll have the steak.'
The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?'
To which Margaret says, 'They'll have the same as me.'
A panda walks into a restaurant
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"
A man orders a pizza
A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"
Restaurant for dogs
Waiter: What can I get you, sir?
Dog: I see you serve the book report. How is that prepared?
Waiter: A kid stayed up all night working on it.
Dog: Ooh! I'll have that.
A lion goes into a restaurant
He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."
JUST Jokes::MAD COW CONCERN::
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.
She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."
A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter...
"do you have lobster tails?"
The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....."
You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?
In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
Interviewer asked me why I'd make a good waiter?
Me: You could say I...bring a lot to the table.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The waiter came up to our table.
He said, "Can I take your order?"
I said, "Sure."
He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.
A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that r**... is looking at your cookie."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two terrorists in a bar
Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"
t**...: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."
Waiter: "Why a goat?"
The first t**... says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...
The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
[Long] I was at dinner with my wife...
I ordered a steak and the waiter delivered it with his thumb on top of it. "Sir, this is unacceptable, your thumb was in my food," I complained. The waiter replied, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't want it to fall on the floor again."
A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?"
The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"
kids eat free today
Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i'll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.
Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.
A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".
At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...
I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?
The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.
I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.
On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my mother's f**..., we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.
He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...
"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my s**...," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"
Restaurant signboard
A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the bill"... A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "my grandchildren will pay" The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's bill".
A Vegan Couple at a Restaurant : Hey waiter, We're vegan! What should we get?
Waiter : A taxi.
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."
I was at a restaurant last night...
and I asked the waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?" And he said "We just tell him the truth, man. This is the end of the line."
Batman went to a restaurant.
Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.
"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.
"Would you like ice and a lemon?"
Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."
I wnet to an Indian restaurant and ordered biryani...
The waiter said, sorry sir, I don't know what a birlaurel is.
A waiter served me some rare steak
But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".
I was at the cannibal restaurant the other day and ordered some legs.
"Sorry," said the waiter, "they've just run out."
Dad at breakfast:
Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!
A group of sheep walk into a buffet.
The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".
"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams
"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Mayor's meal
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull's t**....
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: Funny, why are they so small today?
The waiter: Today, sir, the bull won.
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.
The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.
Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?
Me: Oh
Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant
"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.
"I'll have the steak", says Putin.
"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.
"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.
Why do waiters love serving hardworking people?
Because they always give a hundred and ten percent
How do you like your steak
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, Would you like to hear today's special? I said, Yes please.
The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."
A boy came to a restaurant with his dad
Waiter: What would you like to order?
Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.
Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you
Dad:
Waiter:
Dad: I'll have the chicken
At a restaurant...
ME: I'll have the mouse, please.
WAITER: That's mousse, sir.
ME: Never mind then, that would be way too much food
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A alien walks into a bar
He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your b**... off!" Alien responds "I don't have any b**...". The waiter says "Then how do you have s**...?". The alien responds by tapping the waiter and saying "beep"
Here's a joke from the 80s
Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan are out to dinner. The waiter asks what the First Lady will have. She says, "I'd like the filet mignon, and a baked potato."
The waiter asks, "and the vegetable?"
Mrs. Reagan answers, "Oh, he'll have the same."
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"Certainly," he replied.
I said, "Why did you just e**... food?"
ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER:
I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.
To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.
After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"That's the manager." said the waiter.
A bear walks into a restaurant
He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese."
The waiter says, "What's with the pause?"
"Whaddya mean?" the bear replies.
"I'm a *bear*!"
