Waiter Jokes

What are some Waiter jokes?

My boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...

Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!

Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.

Man: Exactly.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

A tennis ball walks into a restaurant....

a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"

A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...

He thanked me.

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:

-- Table for 26 please.

-- But there's only 13 of you?

-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...

The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"

They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

I wnet to an Indian restaurant and ordered biryani...

The waiter said, sorry sir, I don't know what a birlaurel is.

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

The waiter came up to our table.

He said, "Can I take your order?"

I said, "Sure."

He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

A man orders a pizza

A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"

Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone

Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?



Me: Oh

A waiter served me some rare steak

But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".

Dad at breakfast:

Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

I really hate my job as a waiter

But it puts food on the table

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!

"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

Yo momma cooks so bad...

The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door.
>we're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"


WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."


Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"


CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"

Interviewer asked me why I'd make a good waiter?

Me: You could say I...bring a lot to the table.

4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

Guy orders a steak at a restaurant.

The waiter brings it out and its rare.

"Excuse me, I said well done." says the guy

"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you", says the waiter, "Thanks very much!"

Interviewer: So what makes you think you'd be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.

A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".

Three logicians go to a bar

The waiter asks if they would all like a drink

The first responds "I don't know"

The second responds "I don't know"

And the third responds "Yes, why thank you"

I was at a restaurant last night...

and I asked the waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?" And he said "We just tell him the truth, man. This is the end of the line."

I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, Would you like to hear today's special? I said, Yes please.

The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."

The hearing-aid

A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.

Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.

Waiter: What?

Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"

Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."

Waiter: "Why a goat?"

The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

After my mother's funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.

He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"

The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and

A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened. The man replies: My wife told me that she wouldn't talk to me for a month. The waiter replies, Oh no, that's horrible! Man: Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.

At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...

I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?

The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"

The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank fΓΌr die guten abend"

I was at the cannibal restaurant the other day and ordered some legs.

"Sorry," said the waiter, "they've just run out."

Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.

"I'll have the steak", says Putin.

"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.

"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

Today's special menu

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"

"Yes please," I smiled.

"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.

A panda walks into a bar.

He sits down at a table and orders a sandwich. When the waiter brings him his check he pulls out a gun, shoots him and starts walking towards the door.
The bartender shouts over to him "hey, what'd you do that for?"
The panda says "I'm a panda buddy, look it up!"
The bartender quickly looks up the definition and sees:
Panda- Bear from Central and Western China forests with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

A bear walked into a bar...

Waiter: What will it be pal?
Bear: Gin.....
....
....
and tonic
Waiter: Why the big pause?
Bear: I don't know. My dad had them too.

A waiter walks up to a group of Jewish women and asks...

"Is anything alright?"

Restaurant signboard

A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the bill"... A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "my grandchildren will pay" The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's bill".

What about the mad cow?

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."

The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."

The waiter, a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"

The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."

A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

*Interviewing for waiter position*

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day spent roaming around Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! A special Mexican Cuisine Treat!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and the guy says "Just freakin' try it!" and the waiter asks "Where's the spoon?" and the guy answers "Exactly"

So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...

After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.

The Native American

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

How do you like your steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn't eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?
Try it and find out. The old man responded.
Is the soup too cold?
Try it.
I-is it too hot?
Just try it.
Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?
What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup! The old man shouts.
Alright! The waiter gives in. Where's the spoon? He looks over the table.
The old man just smiles.

A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?"

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

A blind man goes into a restaurant...

A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don't know, do you want to tell the joke?"

The blind man says, "Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!"

A man walks into a restaurant...

and sits down at the bar. He orders a bowl of chili, but the waiter tells him the man next to him got the last bowl. He looks over and sees that the other guy has a full bowl of chili and is just staring at it.
He says, "If you're not going to eat that, can I have it?"
The other guy tells him to go ahead, so he takes the chili and starts eating it. About halfway finished with it, his fork hits something hard in the chili. He sees it's a dead rat and throws up in the bowl.
The guy next to him says, "That's as far as I got too."

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?

The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water."

Me: "Noice."

A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.

The panda bear asks, What do you want?
The bartender replies, First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.
The panda bear turns around and says, Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:

Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A panda walks into a cΓ‘fe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

Why? Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

I'm a panda, he says at the door, look it up.

The waiter flips to the page about pandas, and it says, Panda. Large black and white bear-like animal native to China. Eats, Shoots, and leaves





Credits: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

Two spoons...

A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.


Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.


"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item is a spoon. Therefore, all waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."


As the waiter was offering the explanation to the couple, they noticed there was a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.


"What about that?" the man asked, discreetly pointing to the string.


"That, sir, is the result of another efficiency study." the waiter replied.


"When we need to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."


"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim," the man said, "but how do you go about getting yourself back in?"


"I don't know about the other waiters, sir," the waiter replied, "but I use the two spoons!"

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..

Waiter :- Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.


2. The bouncer is blonde.


3. I'm a 6ft tall, 175lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.


5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters. "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?

Is *anything* okay?!

A black man walks into a restaurant

The waiter says: We dont serve black people here!


The black man responds: Thats okay, I don't eat them anyway.

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

THE TASTEFUL BLIND MAN

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on. The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork. The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, "Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I'll have that."
The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing. Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn't believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Jane, to pull down her panties and rub it between her legs.
When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face.
The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, "Hmmm, I didn't know Jane worked here."

How to make Waiter jokes?

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