Waited Jokes
113 waited jokes and hilarious waited puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about waited that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Waited Short Jokes
Short waited jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The waited humour may include short waits jokes also.
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - I just saw my chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
- Queue sounds like q followed by 4 silent letters, but… They're just waiting their turn.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- a man is chopping down a tree the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue. - My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues... Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
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Waited One Liners
Which waited one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with waited? I can suggest the ones about long wait and awaiting.
- My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee. - If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because... 4:22 is 4:20 too.
- The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn
- The f in orphan stands for family wait
- I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
- Man, if you thought No nut November was bad... Wait until No Net December.
- What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.
- What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
- Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
- What's one nickel minus one nickel? Wait never mind that makes no cents.
- So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse So a man comes into a horse
- Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.
- Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film Taken: Out Of Context.
- TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.
- Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight Oh wait
Fun-Filled Waited Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about waited you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean waiting in line jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make waited pranks.
A cop stops a guy for speeding and he tells him:" I had a feeling I'll give a fine today, so I waited for you here all day ."
"Sorry , but I came as fast as I could!"
I just got caught having s**... in a church.
Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her f**... was over.
r**... Birth control
A r**... took his daughter to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter s**... active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the r**..., "she just lays there like her mother".
Science Joke
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the violent ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked out into the waves. He was pulled under and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked out to the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote in his journal, "Physicist and Biologist both soluble."
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .
A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup, and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got some bad news for you. It seems that you've been m**... too much. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop m**...."
The man, shocked to find this out, responds "Wait, what do you mean!? Stop m**...? When can I start again?"
The doctor responds, "Well I'd appreciate it if you waited until you left my office."
*
I needed some money...
So I decided to rob a bottle shop with my Lebanese friend. We agreed to meet around the corner of the shop in a dark alley at midnight and go from there.
I waited in that alley, and my colleague arrives with a bit of sweet pastry stuck to his head.
"You m**...!!" I exclaim, "I said Balaclava!"
Two men were playing golf..
when the man about to tee off noticed a f**... procession moving down the road next to the golf course. He stopped, put his club away, took off his hat and waited respectfully for them the pass. "My friend that was a very decent and respectful gesture" his friend commented. "The least I could do, I was married to her for eighteen years after all"
Dan has a secret s**... fantasy.
All his life he was turned on by the thought of being bitten hard all over his body by multiple women. So, he saved up his money until he could afford to hire several prostitutes at once to fulfill his fantasy. He didn't want to scare them off so he waited until they were underway before asking for the extra service. Unfortunately, none of the ladies were comfortable with the request. Dan didn't like it at all. Not one bit.
Prom Joke
I asked my girlfriend to prom and she said yes so I bought waited in a very long line for prom tickets. I then went to a limo rental place and waited in a very long line to rent one. Then, the day of prom I waited in a very long line to get flowers for my date. At prom, my girlfriend and I danced for a while and she asked, "can you please get me some punch?" there was no punchline.
A wife gives her husband a cheating test.
A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.
Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so s**... to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.
The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."
I don't feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes... I finished mine over a year ago...
One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...
We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.
We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.
"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.
She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "can you make me one with everything?"
After he received the pizza, he waited. "Where's my change?" "Ah, change comes from within."
As she slid in the r**... thermometer I got a throbbing and very noticeable e**.... I did my best to hide it but...
...the vet said that it would probably be better if I waited outside while she took my dog's temperature.
A car broke down on a Native Reservation...
...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."
People are so unreliable
Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.
There were two guys playing golf, and a f**... passed
so o**... stopped, and waited for the f**... to pass before continuing with his game.
His companion complimented him on his respect for the f**..., to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'
What's the difference between Hillary's staff and Bill's staff?
Bill's staff waited until after the election to s**....
Dyslexic IT worker.
Waited for a USB then 3 came at once.
Why was 5 a good lover?
Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.
_____
Follow up:
Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."
______
^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)
The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...
They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.
Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.
They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...
I nodded knowingly. It's the early signs of typothermia.
After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,
Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents
I waited until the last minute to study for my drivers exam
and ended up taking a c**... course.
I waited on this volleyball team at this restaurant I work at.
I guess you can say they got served.
A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...
Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."
The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."
A friend was telling me that Kevin Bacon was the star of The Following.
I then waited for him to recite a list that included Footloose.
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
The acne waited till I was a teenager to come on my face...
My PC Died today and my friend offered me to lend me his PS4 while i waited for replacements parts.
........But i was simply unconsolable
SQL and Oracle walk into a NoSQL bar...
They waited around for 25 minutes but then had to leave. They couldn't find a table.
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was
And then it dawned on me
A woman waited to find out the s**... of her baby...
After giving birth in a birthing pool, the baby floated to the surface with no arms or legs.
It's a buoy!
A t**... had two cases at home...
he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.
Was reading about that shooting at a bowling alley today. Luckily some of the hostages managed to escape...
They waited until 7/10, then they split...
So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.
There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
No Shave November
At first I didn't like the f**... hair I had.
But as I waited I started to like the beard more and more.
One might say its...
Growing on me.
Church line
A man was waiting in line of a church. He saw an apple tree next to him, which also displayed a sign saying, "Take one only, God is watching..." He took one and waited once again.
By the end of the line, another sign was displayed near a basket of cookies that said, "Take as many as you like, God is busy watching the apples."
Back in 1998, Chelsea Clinton was in high school and went out on a date one night.
Hillary set an 11pm curfew, but Chelsea didn't return to the White House until after midnight.
Hillary had waited up, and grilled her daughter over being late.
Her last question: You didn't have s**... with that boy, did you?
Chelsea: Not according to Dad.
There was this guy who took his girlfriend to prom...
He waited in a really long line to get some tickets.
After he finally got them, he goes to rent a limo, there is also a really long line, but he finally rents the limo.
Then at the prom he goes to get some punch. There is no punchline
3 drunk guys entered a taxi
The taxi driver was tired and knew that they were drunk so he simply started the engine, turned it off again and told them "We're here".
The 1st guy gave him money &
the 2nd guy said "thank you" and they both got out.
The 3rd guy waited, and slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked, and thought the 3rd drunk had figured out his scheme.
He asked "Whats that for !?"
The 3rd guy paused for a bit, and replied:
" Next time drive slowly "
A duck was standing on the curb
Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.
Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?
For my 32nd birthday...
... I waited half a minute and turned 33.
A husband calls a men's help line.
Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."
Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."
Host: "I see... so what's your question?"
Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"
When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,
The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.
If I waited to long to e**... spaghetti, would I be....
Pro-pasta-nating?
My wife just had the best Mothers Day EVER. She had all three meals served to her in bed, people waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't do any cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the kids.
Of course, she's in the hospital :(
Went to the bathroom in this fancy restaurant and saw a sign that read "Employees must wash hands"
I waited for about 10 minutes and I just washed them myself
A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...
She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot s**... both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
- Did she give you head
To that he man replied:
No, I couldn't find it .
I waited for the judge to speak over the silence in the court...
Judge: your name?
Me: Not guilty!
Judge: what?
Me: Had it legally changed
Judge: you're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks. I'll take my leave!
There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
I was offered a job under the table
I waited 12 hours and no one showed up.
The cow waited it's whole life to be met
Because meated isn't a word
There was once two trees who fell in love. One day they decided to have a baby. The mother wanted a boy whilst the father wanted a girl. They waited until the last day to find out the gender of the gender. They was told it was a boy. The father looked down and said in disappointment...
It's tree son then.
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment
I agreed and put her in a nursing home
A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.
"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.
"Charm," replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"
"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't have waited a picosecond."
Why did the deer cross the road?
No seriously, it had all that time, but waited until I was right on it!
WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.
So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.
It's fine.
Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son at age 12?
If he waited a few more years it wouldn't be a sacrifice.
The stock market is amazing...
- I invested, waited around 2 hours and BAM: I got 400 dollars!
- But you invested 800 dollars...
- It's already something.
I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once.
I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."
Wrestling Match
A man waited almost an hour in line to get a ticket to a wrestling match.
Ticket Master: "Quite the wait, don't you think it would be more efficient if these were sold online?"
Man: "Yeah I suppose, but then there'd be no punchline"
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.
She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.
Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality
"And your greatest strength? She asked.
Oh, I'm the Batman
In California, one American queuing for Coronavirus testing
In California, one American queuing for Coronavirus testing, waited half a day and getting angry, told the person behind him that he had enough of this waiting. He requested the person behind him to save his place in the queue as he is going to shoot Trump.
After few hours he came back.
The person that saved his place for him asked : did you shoot him? He replied, "No, the Q there is even longer than here!"
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza
They put the pizza in the oven and waited
When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said Let me pull it out.
The father then said You shouldn't, it's really hot.
The son replied Dad, you have 3 children, I don't trust you to pull out.
I don't know about you guys but service has been pretty c**... lately
I mean, I waited 45 minutes and no one came to wash my hands. What is the employees must wash hands sign for?
Marriage
**Before Marriage**
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling?
**After Marriage**
Read it Backwards.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts arguing in front of you.
They could've at least waited until I got dressed and left.
I waited all night to see where the sun would rise
And then it dawned on me
This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park
What kind of friend says Let's go see Saw and doesn't turn up?
What's the difference between pie and cake?
πr^2, but cake are round.
yup, waited about 4 months to post this.
One Day, Mario took peach to a fancy pizzaria
They made their order, then sat down and waited. After a few minutes a b**... waitress brought them their pizza. Then they started eating. once their meal was done the waitress came back to see how their meal went. To her and Peach's horror, Mario was so big he broke through the roof. When the waitress asked what happened all Mario could say was "I told you, no mushrooms"
A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.
Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.
