Wait Jokes
148 wait jokes and hilarious wait puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wait that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Feel the time dragging on? Why not lighten the mood with some wait jokes? Appreciate the time you spend in wait while looking at your watch and have a laugh! Leave that corsage in the refrigerator and bring a laugh to the table with these wait jokes. Enjoy the expectancy of what’s next with these wait jokes!
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Funniest Wait Short Jokes
Short wait jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wait humour may include short pause jokes also.
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - I just saw my chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
- Queue sounds like q followed by 4 silent letters, but… They're just waiting their turn.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- a man is chopping down a tree the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue. - My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues... Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
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Wait One Liners
Which wait one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wait? I can suggest the ones about attend and delay.
- If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because... 4:22 is 4:20 too.
- The f in orphan stands for family wait
- I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
- Man, if you thought No nut November was bad... Wait until No Net December.
- What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.
- What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
- Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
- What's one nickel minus one nickel? Wait never mind that makes no cents.
- So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse So a man comes into a horse
- Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.
- Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film Taken: Out Of Context.
- TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.
- Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight Oh wait
- A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."
- Thank god I'm an atheist Wait...
Wait A Minute Jokes
Here is a list of funny wait a minute jokes and even better wait a minute puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
- Why do the french hate League of Legends? They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering
- It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
- I don't feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes... I finished mine over a year ago...
- Today is my first cake day! So I want to share a joke with eveyone Wait a minute. Let me find a photo of myself first
- My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute
- A quadriplegic walks into a bar... The bartender says, wait a minute...
- So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch... ...and then I thought, "wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would".
- What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow? A Prograsstinator
- What should you do when your car breaks down on the side of the road? Wait for 10 minutes...When the phone rings, you can extend your car's warranty.
Long Wait Jokes
Here is a list of funny long wait jokes and even better long wait puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life. He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."
- Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
- I was waiting at the bus stop. A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"
I said, "Probably about thirty feet." - At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food... I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?
The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it. - The sign said Employees must wash hands But I waited a long time and no employees showed up so eventually I washed my own hands.
- To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.
- What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes? Communists waiting in line to buy meat.
- Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?" Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"
- Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!
Man: Right here!
Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight.
Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait...
Clerk: >:D - I saw the expiration date was six months past. Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.
Breakfast Wait Jokes
Here is a list of funny breakfast wait jokes and even better breakfast wait puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard OJ was free today That's the joke. Just relay it to any wait staff at your favorite breakfast establishment.
Laughable Wait Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about wait you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stay jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wait pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
Want to hear a Cosby joke?
Wait ... I told it wrong. I wasn't supposed to ask for consent.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Korean and a Jew
Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?
Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.
Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?
Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?
Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.
Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining
And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."
Now we wait.
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
Sheep
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
fight club
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
The waiter came up to our table.
He said, "Can I take your order?"
I said, "Sure."
He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an old professor who started every class with a v**... joke.
After one particularly n**... example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of w**... in India?
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends p**...,
they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?
With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.
But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!
(courtesy of my 12 yr old)
*
My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer
I said "No, wait! I can change!"
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
Green chameleon for sale...
No, a red one.
No, blue.
No wait, a pink one.
Cool.
Never mind, I'm keeping it!
My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...
Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.
Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.
I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I put the s**... in dyslexic
Oh wait
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...
I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?
People would wait days in line for a single piece
A waiter served me some rare steak
But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".
I told my wife we had a pest problem.
But, apparently we have to wait until it's 18 years old to move out.
Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?
"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
"No- wait, Dracula?"
"Yes!"
"You're vampires?"
"Yes. We have pamphlets."
"Vampires have missionaries?"
"Where else would new vampires come from?"
"I assumed you bit people."
"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday,
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.
being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job
but at least it puts food on the table
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever!
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you s**... it up.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak prepared?
Me: Guess
Waiter: Medium rare?
Me: Well done
Waiter: Uhhh..
A policeman walks by a street vendor
Policeman: What are you selling?
Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!
Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?
Vendor: They make you smarter!
Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!
Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!
Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!
