Wait A Minute Jokes
82 wait a minute jokes and hilarious wait a minute puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wait a minute that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wait A Minute Short Jokes
Short wait a minute jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wait a minute humour may include short wait jokes also.
- I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
- Why do the french hate League of Legends? They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering
- It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
- I don't feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes... I finished mine over a year ago...
- Today is my first cake day! So I want to share a joke with eveyone Wait a minute. Let me find a photo of myself first
- My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute
- So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch... ...and then I thought, "wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would".
- What should you do when your car breaks down on the side of the road? Wait for 10 minutes...When the phone rings, you can extend your car's warranty.
- I told my dad that I was having trouble getting all my homework done... So he told me, "if you wait til the last minute, it'll only take a minute"
- My blonde wife was late to the party. But, she explained that she had to wait for a train at the crossing. The sign said watch for trains and she said she had to wait 40 minutes before she saw one.
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Wait A Minute One Liners
Which wait a minute one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wait a minute? I can suggest the ones about whoa and long wait.
- A quadriplegic walks into a bar... The bartender says, wait a minute...
- What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow? A Prograsstinator
- Tom Waits for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.
- For my 32nd birthday... ... I waited half a minute and turned 33.
- A basketball champion in Paralympic walks into a bar Wait a minute...
- I jate when people make last minute changes Wait, no I dont
- I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
- Wait a minute... ....Wyoming that Wyoming dosent exist!?
- The cigarette store is 8 minutes from my house Oh wait, it's not my house anymore
- A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar, to get to the other side.
... wait a minute. - She said she'd call me back in 10 minutes It's been 4 hours and I'm still waiting.
- fooling around I was s**... off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."
- c**... some nightquil wait ten minutes Then try to bust a nut before you fall asleep.
- Why can't dyslexic people mess up the punch line? Wait a minute...
- I was... ...s**... a girl off the other night when I thought "wait a minute"
Wait A Minute Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about wait a minute you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hurry up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wait a minute pranks.
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
A policeman walks by a street vendor
Policeman: What are you selling?
Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!
Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?
Vendor: They make you smarter!
Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!
Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!
Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!
Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
a joke that i saw in a youtube video a few years back
Two markets were flying in the the sky, when suddenly Market 1 stops and says "Wait a minute, markets don't fly", to which Market 2 responds "Oh, right" before falling down to the ground. Upon landing Market 2 looks up and sees Market 1 still up above, so he shouts "Why are you still flying? Markets don't fly!", so Market 1 shouts back to Market 2 "Ah, you see my friend, i am a Supermarket!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The McDonalds
When I was 8 I brought in my tomogatchi (**ignore spelling**) to a McDonald's. my family sat down to eat and I saw this girl with a tomogatchi too. She stares at me then goes into the bathroom. I wait a minute then follow her in. She was waiting for me. We linked our games and had tomogatchi babies together.
Still to this day, the most s**... thing I have ever done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."
Guy selling apple seeds at street...
Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
A man is sitting in a train
and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.
Why are you chewing the seeds?
They make me smarter
Really? Could I have some?
Sure, dollar a piece
The man agrees and gets three apple seeds for three bucks. He chews them for a while, then says Wait a minute, for three bucks I could've bought two pounds of apples!
See, it's already working
A guy walking I to a bar and says to the barman "quick, get me a shot before it starts"...
The bartender gives him a shot which he knocks back and says "quick quick another one before it starts".
The bartender gives him another shot which he knocks back and says "another... before it starts"
The bartender says "wait a minute, how do you intend to pay for these drinks"?
"Ah" the man says, throwing his arms up in frustration... "it's started"
God, how long is a million years?
God, how long is a million years?
To me, it's about a minute.
God, how much is a million dollars?
To me, it's a penny.
God, may I have a penny?
Wait a minute.
All you can drink for a dime (an old Flip Wilson joke)
A kid sets up a lemonade stand in front of his house, with a sign that says, All you can drink for a dime.
Before too long, a man happens by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good deal. He gives the kid a dime and the kid hands him a cup.
The man tosses it back and says, Hey, that was pretty good. I'll have another.
The kid says, That'll be another dime.
Now wait a minute, says the man, your sign says 'all I can drink for a dime.'
But you just had a cup, didn't you? asked the kid.
Yeah.
Well, that's all you can drink for a dime.
A boy reads a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free free French fries.
Sounds great! said the health conscious boy, as he ordered some.
He watched as a the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them in the box.
Wait a minute, those don't look fat free!
They sure are, the cook said. We only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free.
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk at a bar
A drunk at a bar stands in the middle of the bar a says out loud: Everyone to my left are s**..., and everyone to my right are idiots!
A guy to the drunks left got mad and said to him: Wait a minute, I am not s**... okay! Drunk looks at him and says: Then move to the right side of the bar you idiot!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doing it the Jewish way
A man goes to the door of a cathouse and asks the madam if any of the girls know how to do it the Jewish way. The madam thinks he is joking and slams the door in his face. This happens several times, until finally a girl overhears him, askin the madam, says, "Wait a minute, I've never tried it the Jewish way. I'll do it for nothing." The man says "See, you're catching on already!"
Van Gogh was never good at following directions.
Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I explained to a friend that I had a c**... break, so I called the manufacturer and gave them the serial number from the c**... ...
at this point he said to me, "Wait a minute!!! You're telling me that every c**... has an individual serial number?"
I said, "Yes, you've never seen that? I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO UNROLL ONE THAT FAR"
:)
I threw a boomerang 5 years ago
Today, I live in constant fear.
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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
Driving Questionnaire
A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:
Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?
"No, never."
Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?
"Oh yes, lots of times!"
Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving-related felony?
"Yeah, three of them."
At this point, the officer stopped to ask: "well wait a minute, if you have all of these DUIs and felonies, how come your license has never been suspended or revoked?"
The man responds: "Never got one."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a rabbi walk into a bar
And the rabbi says, "Hey, wait a minute... I think I'm in the wrong joke."
A Jewish couple visit China
A Jewish couple is visiting China, and as they sit down to dinner they begin to wonder about whether there are any ancient synagogues to visit.
The waiter comes to take their order, and the couple asks if there are any Chinese jews, the waiter asks them to wait a minute and comes right back.
"We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
Cr
Here's a joke.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
WAIT A MINUTE...
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Genders
I couldn't decide what gender I should be today, so I flipped a coin...
*flips a coin*
Wait a minute, how many sides does a coin have...?
A string walks into a bar...
and orders a drink. The bartender says, "NO STRINGS! We don't serve your kind here." Angered but undeterred, the string leaves the bar determined to get a drink. He has two friends tie him together. With his new disguise, he reenters the bar to order once more. The bartender says, "Hey there! What can I get - wait a minute... Aren't you that string that was in here earlier?" The string says, "No. I'm afraid not"
The other day I introduced myself. Me: "hi my name is Rob"
Him: "Nah, not anymore, that's my name now."
Me: Hey wait a minute, did you just Rob me?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man got kicked out ot his house by his wife...
... and he went to stay at his buddy's house.
The buddy asks him: "What happanned, why did she kick you out?"
The man says: "Well, we had a conversation and I slipped my tongue..."
"Wait a minute, that's no reason to kick a man out of the house!"
"Oh, we were having breakfast and, well, what I wanted to say was 'Would you pass me the salt, honey?' but accidentally I said 'You ruined 20 years of my life, you w**...'"
A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.
A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.
The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."
The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an architects job - to make something out of chaos."
The programmer then says: "Now wait a minute, who do you think was responsible for all the chaos?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God is in Heaven and looks down on the Garden of Eden...
... and he sees Adam and Eve being more intimate than he'd planned.
So God rushes down as fast as he can and catches up with Adam and reprimands him.
What do you think you're doing? You're both supposed to remain pure!
Adam looks down, embarrassed and God soon notices that Eve is nowhere to be seen.
Wait a minute. Adam, where's Eve?
Oh well... she's in the ocean... washing up.
God facepalms and exclaims, d**...! I'll never be able to get the smell out of the fish!
A string walks into a bar. . .
String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.
Bartender: Didn't you see the sign?!? We don't serve strings!! Get outta here!!
Agitated, but determined to get that double shot of tequila, the string secretly messes up his hair in a sad attempt of creating a disguise. He confidently walks back into the bar.
String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.
Bartender: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you that string that was just in here?
String: No, I'm a frayed knot.
So, a physicist finds themselves conversing with their god
"God, " they inquired, "how does time work for you?"
God replies, "Everything is a part of me. To compare, 1 of your minutes is but a billionth of 1 of my own."
The physicist thinks for a bit and then queries further, "God, do you use such a scale for everything?"
God nods, "Yes, as all things are part of me."
At this the physicist grins, "If that's the case, could you spare a dollar?"
God grins back, "I'd be happy to, but you'll need to wait a minute."
Three guys are in a hospital waiting room
Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy. The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!" The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing. Twins! Imagine that! You know what's funny, though? I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
Five minutes later the nurse returns and says to the second guy, "Congratulations! Your wife was carrying triplets, and they are all healthy...two boys and a girl!" The man is thrilled. "Triplets! Imagine that! Wow, two boys and a girl! You know what's funny, though; I work for 3M, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
The third man then suddenly reaches for his coat and starts to head for the exit. Confused, the nurse says, "Wait a minute! Your wife is in labor...don't you want to stay and be with her??" The guy replies, "No way. Forget it. I'm outta here. I'm a truck driver for 7up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Uptown funk h**... remix
Stop, vwait a minute, pizza ovens put the jews in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Speciman cup
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a s**... count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
$400a night
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Bearable
There was a guy who went bear hunting. When he finally got close to a bear he went to aim and his rifle jammed. The bear charged him and he hollered: Wait a minute Mr. Bear my gun is jammed . The bear said OK we can talk this over. The man said Woo sounds great, well Mr. Bear I was only hunting for a new fur coat for the winter that is coming up. The Bear said That sounds good, because I was looking for a good meal before I hibernate for the winter myself. SO THEY LEFT THE MEETING WITH BOTH WISHES SATISFIED.
The monkey and the lizard
Lizard is walking through the woods when he sees Monkey up in the branches of a tree.
"Hello there, Monkey! What are you up to today?"
"Hey Lizard. I was just about to smoke this joint."
"I'll be right up."
After he tokes, Lizard says, "Monkey, I have cotton mouth, real bad. I'm going down to the river for a drink of fresh water."
When Lizard reaches the river, he leans over and drinks and drinks. Alligator swims up and says, "Slow down, Lizard! Why are you drinking so much water?"
"Well I was smoking a joint with Monkey up in a tree and I got cotton mouth real bad."
"Wait a minute. Monkey has a joint? In a tree? This I've got to see."
Alligator gets out of the river and goes waddling up to the tree.
"Say, Monkey..."
"Jesus Lizard! How much water did you drink, man?"
Babies
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the doctor cuts in. "Hold the lantern, Mikey! Hold the lantern!" Soon the doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the third baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "do you think it's the light that's attracting 'em?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As told by an Austrian engineer
Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his t**.... This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the t**.... Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."
Three strings walk into a bar...
and want to order a couple of beers. The first string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, 3 beers for my friends and I please.". The bartender replied"I don't serve your kind here.". The string goes back to the table and says"Sorry guys, he doesn't serve our kind..". Eager to get beers for him and his buddies, the second string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, can you get me 3 beers for my friends." He yet again replied with " Look buddy I told yer friend I don't serve your kind here!". The string comes back angry. "Still wont serve us.". The final string, fed up with being denied drinks, ties himself into a knot, and frayed the top of his head and says "watch this, I will get us beers." and walks up and says to the bartender"Hey man, can you get me three beers." The bartender says "Oh, sure coming right u- wait WAIT A MINUTE. I thought I told your buddies I DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND!". The string replies with"I'm a frayed knot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 Whales, 1 whaling ship
One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the b**..., but there is no way I'm swallowing any s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
4 Hour Erections
I walked into a pharmacy, went to the back, and asked the woman at the counter if I could speak to a male pharmacist.
The woman told me that she was the only pharmacist, and that as she and her sister own the business, the were no male employees. She also assured me, however, that she was very professional, and whatever my issue, I could feel confident that I could discuss it with her, without fear of judgement or embarrassment.
Reluctantly, I agreed. I told her that, every day, I get an e**... that lasts longer than 4 hours. Not only is it inconvenient, but it is also embarrassing, and I asked what she could give me for it.
The pharmacist thought for a moment, then asked me to wait a minute while she went to check on something.
She came back a few minutes later and said, "I discussed it with my sister, and the best we can do is 1/3rd of the business, a king sized bed, and $3000/month in living expenses!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"The watch"
My dad just reminded me of this old classic!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few b**... and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b**... and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more b**... and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
The ultimate bargain.
The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
Streaker in a Gym!!!
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates.
"Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Twisted Tale
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his beautiful young wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Excessive Skepticism
A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have s**...' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"
A Cab Driver and a Priest
A Cab Driver and a Priest are going to Heaven. The Cab Driver steps up to St. Peter, states his name and how he died. St. Peter checks him off the lists, and turns around. He grabs a beautiful silken robe, and a golden staff encrusted in jewels, before turning back around. "Here, enjoy Heaven."
The Cab Driver walks away as the Priest steps up to state his name and how he died. St. Peter grabs a Burlap Sack and a Wooden Stick.
"Wait, wait, wait a minute." The Priest argues. "I've been a man of God all my life. How did the Cab Driver get more than me?"
"Well," St. Peter replied. "When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a s**... count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."