Volunteer Jokes

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

For my next trick I need a c**... and a volunteer...

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:
1) No one can find out that I did this.
2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.
3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek...

Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it. I found you." But then Newton says, "No, you found one Newton over a square metre; therefore, you've found Pascal!"

Because I'm such a Portal 2 fan, I created my own levels.

Sadly, none of the "volunteers" have made it out alive and their families are starting to ask questions.

Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the p**... is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...

They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.
Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.
They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..

I also called a s**... hotline in Iraq...

They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the s**... prevention hotline anymore.

Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day...

Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day behind the help desk when a black guy asks where the colored printers are.
I said, "it's MLK day 2018, you can use whichever printer you want!"

I have a friend who's a cannibal, but he's a really great guy. He only eats murderers, rapists, and child molesters. He builds homes for the homeless. He volunteers.

He's a real humanitarian.

10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff

However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

A pastor was accused of s**... misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a m**... and she enthusiastically accepted."

I saw my brother m**... in his room when I was seven

I asked him what he's doing. He didn't want mum to know about this and told me he's practising Chinese kungfu. I shall never forget the day when I volunteered to demonstrate Chinese kungfu in front of everyone in class.

My wife volunteers every week as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she's into human trafficking.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.
As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"
He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it's completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game.

Word is, now they're looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game.

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for...

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for Covid-19. It's been kept very, very quiet for security reasons. I received my first shot and wanted to let you know that it's completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.

I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I'm a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably

The good players just won't come forward.

A mathematician wants more excitement and wants to become a volunteer fireman on the weekends

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.
Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?
The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.
Question 2: You come across a car that is flipped upside down with the driver still in it. What do you do?
The mathematician answers, Set the car on fire. Now it is a solved problem.

Along with the Antimatter and Darkmatter, Physicists in collaboration with volundads (dads who volunteered, from all over the world) have discovered the existence of another matter called

Doesn't matter, which seems to have no effect on the universe whatsoever

Our teenage boy just volunteered to do his own laundry for the first time…

I guess he doesn't want mom to touch his socks.

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.

​
"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.
Silence.
After a moment he cleared his t**....
Nothing.
After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"
She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with one!"

I was stunned to find out that my grandfather was involved in human trafficking.

He used to volunteer as a crossing guard.