Volume Jokes

I Have Decided To Publish My s**... Journal

in two volumes.
Volume A: Thinking About It
Volume B: Talking About It

I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house.

The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

An incredible phenomenon of life

A pepperoni of radius 'z' and height 'a' has a volume of pi·z·z·a

I was shopping with my wife the other day and saw a TV on sale for $20...

It said that the volume was stuck on full. I looked at my wife and said "I can't turn this one down!"

The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

What is the volume of pizza?

Pizza of course! If z = radius of the pizza and a = the height then Π * radius^2 * height = Pi * z * z * a = Pizza.

Area Man Discovers New Dimension, Becomes Volume Man

Saw a tv for sale on eBay for £5. Only problem was the volume button was broken.....

How can I turn that down?

I walked past an electronics store once...

I saw a TV for sale in the window. The sticker said, "TV for sale, volume stuck on full, $1"
I thought to myself, "Wow. I can't turn that down."

My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer...

...were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

Guy offered to sell me his TV for a dollar

The volume was stuck at full. I thought, 'I can't turn that down.'

I bought a new TV today...

Got a great 50" HDTV for $29.99 today.
Of course, there was a catch... The volume was stuck at the max setting so it was incredibly loud.
But for $29.99, I couldn't turn it down.

Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.

"Do you know what sin city is?"

"Yeah, that's Las Vegas"
"But do you know what Den City is"
"No"
"Mass over volume"

My new 1000 watt sound system is great!

I can control the volume of my neighbors b**... on my door.

What do you call soft-spoken security guards at the Samsung store?

Gaurdians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

Nervous about watching new game of thrones with my parents, due to all the s**....

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

In light of Trump's increasing volume of golf: What's the difference between h**... and Trump?

It only took h**... one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

Someone is selling a 42" Smart Tv for just £70.

There's something wrong with the volume control, but for that price you can't turn it down.

My friend is selling a TV for £50

60inch, 4k flatscreen. The volume b**... broke, but at that price, you can't turn it down.

Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human u**... volume

But the p-value was too low.

A mathematician a physicist and an engineer...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a cow and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the dimensions of the cow and evaluated a very complicated integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the cow inside and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked at the cow and said, let's suppose the cow is a sphere.

I was talking to my physics teacher...

Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?
Me: yeah
Teacher: cool, you know what den city is?
Me: no?
Teacher: oh, its mass over volume

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

A man comes across a T.V for sale for $1

He asks the man selling it why its so cheap, he replies "the volume is turned all the way up and you can't adjust it, its stuck that way"
"wow! you can't turn that down"

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not
wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.
husband: sure
wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .
husband: sure. keep your phone in full volume

Irish Dancing Manual

Lost for centuries, volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered.
It's titled How to Move The Arms
​

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for the Encyclopedia of Loud Noises.
The librarian responds: "Absolutely! Which volume would you like?"

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"
C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"
S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"
C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?
S: "Yep"
C: "Wow. Can't turn that down"

My son told me, The car manual says that I shouldn't turn the stereo up to full volume.

I said, That's.... sound advice.

How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.
She sniffed, and said "more volume."
#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

A young man, walking down the street, passes a woman sitting next to a TV with a For Sale sign on it.

Him: Hi, how much for the TV?
Her: One dollar
Him: Only one? Wow that's a bargain!
Her: Yeah, it's cheap because the volume is stuck on maximum
Him: Ah, Ok. So the TV is one dollar because the volume is always right up?
Her: Yep. Do you want it?
Him: Well I guess I can't turn that down!

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called How to Hug ...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________

This guy was selling a TV for a dollar.

I walked up to him and said, Wow! You're selling that thing for just a dollar?! He replied, Yep. But why? The thing is, the volume is cranked all the way up, and there's no way to make it quieter. That's the only problem with the TV? Yep. And you're selling it for 1 dollar? That is correct. Boy, can't turn that down!

I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

Why do Rock Stars wear mascara?

200% more volume.

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.
I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work $20.

A deal you can't turn down

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of h**... and Bat Out of h**... Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.
They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.
The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.
The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

My wife watches Criminal Minds with no volume while I'm sleeping.

She calls it Criminal Mimes.

A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber b**... and finds its specifications.