Voice Jokes
135 voice jokes and hilarious voice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about voice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about funny jokes involving singing voices! Read about some hilarious jokes about bad singing voices, deep voices, lost voices, bad voices, raspy voices, squeaky voices, hoarse voices, passive voices, high pitched voices, and baritones. Laugh away at these jokes and see if you have an audible or hearers perspective!
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Funniest Voice Short Jokes
Short voice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The voice humour may include short speech jokes also.
- What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
- The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.
- Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me. Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell. - I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
- After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay... "Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."
- I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head. Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.
- A man collapses in a busy street. Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!"
Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!" - A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis." - Why shouldn't you yell into a colinder? You'll strain your voice.
(credits go to u/trewpowor)
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Voice One Liners
Which voice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with voice? I can suggest the ones about speaker and spoken.
- Why don't Ewoks yell inside? Because they use their Endor voices!
- Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
- My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
- I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me. Guess who's back with a different voice
- I lost my voice today I can't tell you how annoying it is.
- Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house? They have to use their Endor voices.
- I started dating a blind girl. The hardest part was imitating her husband's voice.
- My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment. It's a little flat.
- Why should you never yell into a colander? You don't want to strain your voice.
- What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews? Crews Control.
- Don't scream into a colander. It'll strain your voice.
- Best excuse for missing work The voices told me to clean the guns.
- Samsung He had a good voice.
- What do you get when you yell into a colander? A strained voice.
Deep Voice Jokes
Here is a list of funny deep voice jokes and even better deep voice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are in first day of kindergarten. Optimus (in his deep voice) : Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What's your name?
Teacher : Be silent!!!!!
Bumblebee : umleee - Why is 6 afraid of 7? (In a deep, intimidating voice)
Because 7 is bigger - Did you know that Germans are homophobic? Well if you tell them to do something and they don't do it, then in a deep, authoritative voice just scream GAY!! and they'll do it every time.
- Why did Thor's brother always sing with a deep voice? Because he was Low-Key.
- How to make a woman laugh. You look her deep in the eyes and with the deepest voice you can do you tell her.
#HERE I'M IN CHARGE. YOU HEARD THAT?# - Mom, am I ugly? "Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, f**... hair..."
Lost Voice Jokes
Here is a list of funny lost voice jokes and even better lost voice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A boss announces to his staff: I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee! A voice in the background says: I'm offering 200!
- If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice.... They're lying.
- DID you hear about The pig that lost its voice?
It was disgruntled! - Little Voice "Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back!"
"Try coming home at 3 in the morning." - My wife got a job doing the voices for sat nav. I'd be lost without her
- What does a drop top car and a dog who lost their voice have in common Roofless
- This morning, I lost my voice I searched my whole house for it, but it wasn't there!
*badoom tiss* - Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?
A: He didn't give a hoot! - NEWSFLASH: Billy Corgan has permanently lost his voice, and can only lip sync his songs... Going forward his band will be known as 'DUBSMASHING PUMPKINS'.
Losing Voice Jokes
Here is a list of funny losing voice jokes and even better losing voice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did the Italian lose his voice? He broke his arms.
- You can now buy celebrity-voiced sat-navs for your car. I bought the Princess Diana version. It just keeps saying "Put your foot down, I think we can lose them"
Frankie Boyle - DJ Khaled invented a weight loss app Everytime you lose a pound, his voice comes on and says "Another one".
- Last week I told my friend that my wife was losing her voice. He asked how she's doing. I told him I haven't heard from her since.
- If a pig loses it's voice, it becomes disgruntled.
- If laryngitis is when you lose your voice... does that mean that all widows have meningitis?
- Why did Miss Piggy lose her voice? She frequently had a frog in her t**....
- How did the mermaid lose her voice? She got punched in the t**....
Pitched Voice Jokes
Here is a list of funny pitched voice jokes and even better pitched voice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard that if a girl is attracted to you she speaks in a higher pitched voice... I was wondering why every girl I know sounds like Morgan Freeman
- Have you ever dated someone with a high-pitched voice? They're nothing but treble.
- What does the gay horse say? Say in high pitched
Voice,
Haaaaay - Justin Beiber screeched like a high-pitched girl the time he saw Chuck Norris.
His voice is still up there today. - I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie woooorld admit it, you read that in an annoying high pitch voice
- What's the Difference Between to Old People And Kindergarteners Ones voice is lower pitched.
Silly Voice Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about voice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vocal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make voice pranks.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo
Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?
**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny b**... girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.
Double Positives.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss
Too Shy!!!
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...
...a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."
A blonde goes into a library.
She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."
The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"
"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully n**... man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and asks out loud "who had s**... with my wife!?"
A voice up the back said, "you don't have enough bullets!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
I have just started a s**... relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it
Suddenly he heard a voice...
"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*
"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*
"I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."
I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
A man with a gun walks in to a bar...
He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"
A guy walks into a bar with a gun
A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had s**... with my wife?!"
A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!".
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...
... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..
So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
My dad and i were driving past a cemetery
When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.
I f**... on the bus today and four people turned around
I felt like I was on the voice.
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives
He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
A man walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
There's an old man on his deathbed...
... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"
A professor was teaching a languages course
"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
A resourceful woman...
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
Man walks into a bar
and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first b**...". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."
After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."
Currency trading
I used to trade currency. this asian guy came in and wanted to exchange 10,000yen - I gave him $120.
a week later he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $105.
a week after that he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $135.
the guy said to me in an annoyed voice " why one week $120, then $105, then $135! - why the difference?!!?"
I says to him "fluctuations"
He responds "fluck you white people"
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a s**... shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?
No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
A linguistics professor says
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.
Nice t**..., where you want me to hang the blinds?
Jesus is watching you
A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."
Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"
The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."
Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!""No," replied the CEO indignantly."Good!" replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy at all. How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. It's either me or the pub, which one is it?
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, It's you. I can tell by the voice.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.
Voice: *Nice tie.*
The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.
Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*
The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.
Voice: *I like your hair like that!*
Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replied, Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.
A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
Man buys a talking centipede.
Man buys a talking centipede for $5000 and takes it home in a small box.
When he gets home, he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a beer?"
The centipede doesn't answer...
Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.
30 mins later and getting angry, thinking he's been ripped off, he shouts the question loudly.
At which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says "I heard you the 1st time...I'm putting my f**... shoes on!!!"
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......
When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm voice, says, Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's really dead.
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the blonde's voice comes back on the line. OK, now what?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
Bar Joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
When Love Fades......
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
A professor said that
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..
"You look nice today."
A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."
The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"
Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
A n**... police officer came to work
A n**... police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come n**...?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could hear u**.... Then after a while the same voice said all the males to get undressed. Everybody did that, so did I. And then after a minute the voice said GET TO WORK"
Commander: "And?"
Police officer: "And I came to work."
I just quit my job in the helium factory because of the way management spoke to me.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.