Vodka Jokes
142 vodka jokes and hilarious vodka puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vodka that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article features a collection of hilarious vodka related jokes, from funny cartoon images to puns about Absolut, Smirnoff and other types of vodka. Learn about the history of Russian vodka and how the sale of beer has changed since the fall of the Ruble. Perfect for a house party or your friend's birthday celebration!
Quick Jump To
- Short Vodka Jokes
- Vodka One Liners
- Vodka Drinking Jokes
- Russian Vodka Jokes
- Vodka Day Jokes
- Absolut Vodka Jokes
- More Vodka Jokes
Funniest Vodka Short Jokes
Short vodka jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vodka humour may include short whiskey jokes also.
- Two Finnish guys are sitting in a ferry, drinking v**..... After a few hours of drinking one of the Finns says This was fun
The other one replies:
Are we here to drink, or are we here to talk? - A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane. The whole event was pretty terrible.
It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario. - Just invented a new drink. v**..., cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol. Its called the Cosbypolitan
- I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice. My Dr. explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the v**....
- My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, "I dunno. Do something that makes me look more s**...!" So she started throwing back shots of v**....
- I don't think drinking v**... is the solution to all of my problems... But it's worth a shot.
- Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the v**... in his screwdriver? Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.
- Why is v**... so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut.
- My favorite part of a marathon is... My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of v**....
- I walked up to the barman and asked for a v**... shot. He said, "Straight?"
I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."
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Vodka One Liners
Which vodka one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vodka? I can suggest the ones about liquor and booze.
- What's a Jedi's favorite brand of v**...? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.
- Know why v**... is so clear? Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
- I doubt v**... is the answer.... But it's worth a shot
- v**... isn't a liquid. It's a solution.
- Someone told me you can clean pigs with v**... sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me
- Why don't the jedi drink v**...? Because only the Sith deal in absolut
- What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with v**...? A sorority.
- What do you call a very angry shot of v**...? Mean spirited
- v**... isn't the answer to my problems but its worth a shot
- I've been on this new v**... diet. It's great, I've lost 3 days already!
- Why won't Obi-Wan mix you a v**... cocktail? Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.
- Uh... Maybe this is the v**... talking, but... *Hey! I am made of potatoes!*
- What do you get if you give a triangle v**...? A rectangle
- roses are red. Roses are red
Violets are blue
v**... cost less than
A dinner for two - Why didn't JFK ever like v**...? Because he couldn't handle a few shots
Vodka Drinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny vodka drinking jokes and even better vodka drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- TIL: A fly will drink so much v**... it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip. Just enough to get buzzed.
- What is Obi Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink? Absolute v**...!
- What brand of v**... does a Canadian drink? Grey Moose
- They say milk make you strong. Drink three glasses of milk and try to move a wall.
No way you can do it.
But drink three glasses of v**....
And the walk moves by itself! - I've really cut down on my drinking and now only have one v**... before going to bed... Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- "Bad news son, the price of v**... has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son. "No, you will eat less."
- TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her v**......she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson about brand loyalty
- Congrats! You're on the new game show, Serbia or Suburbia! Contestant #1, who drinks v**... immediately when they get off work, because their country is falling apart?
- I'm allergic to v**..., I can't drink it. It makes me break out in handcuffs.
- Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking v**... from a coffee cup while driving. They took a mug shot.
Russian Vodka Jokes
Here is a list of funny russian vodka jokes and even better russian vodka puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Russian doctor is treating his patient. *"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*
*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?"* - A short joke. If a former 80's Russian comedian went out and bought some off-brand v**.... Would that be Yakov Smirnoff buying knock-off Smirnoff?
- A cat walks into a bar... Bartender asks what he'll have.
Cat orders a White Russian.
Bartender says he's out of v**....
Cat is fine with that, thats actually how he prefers it. - Give a Russian Tanker v**..., He'll Be Warm for a Night Set his ammunition on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- Local retailers have stopped selling Russian Standard v**.... That's the spirit!
- A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car... His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"v**...? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent) - What do you get when you mix v**... with laxatives? A Russian tanker in Ukraine.
- How much v**... does it take to kill a Russian? None.
- Russian joke "Daddy I want an ice cream."
"I want an ice cream too, son. But we only have enough money for v**...." - Glass of water Optimists: the glass is half full!
pessimists: the glass is half empty!
Russians: glass no have v**...
Vodka Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny vodka day jokes and even better vodka day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Gas prices are so high these days I used v**... in my lawnmower, ... now my grass is half cut.
- Im trying the new v**... diet... Lose 3 days every week
- So I took a shot of v**... the other day. The picture turned out quite nice.
- The best diet is the v**... diet... Lose 3 days in one week..
- v**... diet I tried. It worked. I lost 3 days in 1 week.
- What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast? Stop "Russian"
- A man walks into a bar after the summer solstice and orders a quadruple v**... The bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"
The man sighs and says, "It's been a long day." - Drank a whole bottle of fancy v**... to celebrate Star Wars day Only a Fifth, still it's Absolute.
Absolut Vodka Jokes
Here is a list of funny absolut vodka jokes and even better absolut vodka puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Saucy!? I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed v**..., gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!
- My recipe for v**...-flavoured brats never caught on. It was the Absolut wurst.
- My father told me that "there is no absolute" before he left. He then asked me if I wanted anything from the store as he go pick up more v**....
- If you go to a Jedi bar, the only v**... that you can get is Grey Goose. Because..only the Sith deal in Absolut.
- What do you call a very cold v**...? Absolut Zero
- Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish v**... It was an Absolut unit
- So I told my friend to drink v**..., and he actually did it. the Absolut madman.
- Why is v**... Obi-Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink? Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.
- Why do the Jedi not sell v**...? Because only a Sith deals in Absoluts
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Vodka Jokes
What funny jokes about vodka you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tequila jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vodka pranks.
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
Russian pharmacy
Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
Good Polish Joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."
Im starting to see the bright side of being single..
..If I tip the bottle towards the ceiling, light shines right through the v**.... Facinating
7 shots
So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 v**... shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first b**..." .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will
A bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca-cola (Russian Joke)
A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of... of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!
A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...
The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...
An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.
My Grandma E-Mailed me this one
When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
A man walks into a Japanese bar...
he wants a v**..., so he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a Stoli the bartended replies, "Once upon a time..."
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
Old Soviet joke
People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'
Putin decides to invade Poland
Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.
Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of v**... in Moscow 2016 cost.
Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.
Putin: Rubles?!?
Fortuneteller: No, PLN.
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
I highly doubt any alcohol or v**... will solve any of my life's problems
But I guess it's still worth the... shot
A black man walks into a bar...
And sits down with a parrot on his shoulder. When the bartender asks what he would like to drink, the parrot answers instead.
"v**...!" it squawks.
Amazed by the trick, the bartender got him his drink and stood back in awe. A few minutes later, the curiosity became to strong for the bartender and he had to know.
" hey, where did u get that? It's so well trained!"
"Africa" answers the parrot.
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...
The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."
A Frenchman, a German, a Russian, and a Jew walk into a bar.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a glass of wine?"
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a pint of beer?"
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a shot of v**...?"
The Jew wonders, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have diabetes?"
Here's one from Russia
A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"
An American walks into an Irish bar...
... and approaches the bartender and says, "I'd like an Irish car bomb."
The bartender says, "Let me see what I can do," and disappears to the back of the bar. He comes back with two highball glasses filled with v**.... He then proceeds to light them on fire.
"Here ya go."
"Uh, that's not really what I was expecting," the American says.
"Yeah, I know," says the bartender, "we're all out of Irish car bombs. But here, you can have a 9/11."
Man walks into a bar
Says to the bartender "let me get a bottle of anything that's not v**...."
Bartender says "why not v**...?"
Man replies "well I drank a whole bottle of that last night and blew chunks."
Bartender says "drink a whole bottle of anything and you'll throw up."
Man says "no you don't understand, chunks is my dog."
The wife came home with four cases of beer,
*The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of v**..., two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread*
*"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.*
*"No," she replied.*
*"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of v**...
The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:
'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'
'What have you got?' Asked the barman.
The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'
An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...
The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"
The American replies, "We have too much of these."
---
Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"
The Chinese replies, "We got lay too much of that lice."
---
The Russian then flicks dashcams and v**... out his window.
The German asks, "Vat's the matter vith those?"
The Russian replies, "They're too common where I'm from, comrade."
---
The German looks at the Syrian guy.
#The Syrian guy, nervous, exclaims, "Don't you fooking dare!"
A father dies and in order to be at his daughter's wedding he possesses a bottle of v**... from the kitchen.
At least he was with them in spirit.
I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some v**...
But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home
An American, a Russian and an Estonian are on a plane
The American opens the door and drops some hamburgers and then says: "I have too many of these". Then the Russian goes to the Door and throws down some bottles of v**... and says: "I have too many of them". Then the Estonia comes and throws down the Russian and says: "I have too many of them".
When I was a kid, I found a bottle of v**... someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.
The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "v**...! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...
This will make you the person who calls the shots...
A Russian runs into a bar
Quick! Quick he yells at the bartender. A v**... before it starts!
The bartender quickly pours him a shot of v**... which the Russian drinks in one gulp.
Another! Fast before it starts...
The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately.
Hurry hurry another one before it starts...
The bartender asks "how are you going to pay for these?"
The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle v**..., put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
I have a friend named Phillip
He loves mixing orange juice and v**.... Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.
It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Wife: Flat heads, Phillips, or v**...?
And that was when I knew she was the one.
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of v**... and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the v**... and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
Went to the off license on my bike last night and bought a bottle of v**...
Just before I was to leave I thought, what if I fall off my bike and smash it, so I drank it right there. Turned out to be a good decision as I fell off my bike seven times on my way home.
An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.
The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"
The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"
The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"
He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with v**..., and lights them aflame. "Special, just for you."
The American frowns, "What the h**... is this?"
"I call it a 9/11."
*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*
I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.
My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the v**...
A turtle walks into a bar.
A turtle walks into a bar and orders some water. The bartender gives that turtle a glass of water and the turtle slowly walks away with it. On the next day the turtle comes again with the same order. This repeats for four days, but on day 5 the bartender decides to ask the turtle:
- Man, why do you just order water. Wouldn't you like to try some v**... or something?
The turtle replies:
- Not now, man, my house is on fire, d**... it!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it's cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And v**...
Recruit at the KGB
The KGB had found their newest recruit, but before he could join, he had to go through three tests. First, he had to down an entire bottle of v**... in one sitting, then shake hands with a bear, then s**... and sleep with a lady. The recruit easily downs the v**... in a matter of seconds, then is put in a cage with a bear. Intense screaming, bear growling, and shouting can be heard for the duration of 20 minutes, but the cage goes quiet and recruit finally emerges from the cage, bruised up and covered in claw marks. He then asks, "so where's this lady I'm supposed to shake hands with?"
Before the b**... starts
A man comes into a bar and says: "quickly! two beer and two v**... before the b**... starts!" The barman pours the drinks and the man downs them quickly one after the other.
"Quickly! two more beer and v**... before the b**... starts!" the barman pours the drinks and the man thows them back like there is no tomorrow
"Quick! Two **more** beer and two v**... before the b**... starts!"
"Do you have the money to pay for this?"
"Look the b**... starts already!"
A man asks for v**... in a club(true story)
So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of v**... cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but you started it.
*That joke almost got me fired... but it was worth.
Translated (badly) Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach...
Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach, when suddenly a tequila falls in. He shrug it off and continue to relax, but after a while a r**... falls in and join them.
He do some smalltalk but in general isn't much interested, so he continue to relax on his own. Then v**... falls in and joins.
He clearly annoyed by all this commotion asks "what the h**... is going on up there?"
"You don't know? There is this huge party" says the v**....
"Yeah? I need to check it out." says the goulash as he starts climbing up.
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
I've found that I'm a lot happier
Since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings. My doctor said it's because of the citrus and natural sugars. I think it's just the v**....
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of v**... and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they c**... anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's b**....
Putin dies and goes to h**.......
Because of good behaviour he is allowed out for a few days and goes to Moscow, where he visits a bar. He orders a shot of v**... and asks:
\- Is Crimea ours?
\> Belongs to us.
\- And Donbas and Kiev?
\>Ours!
\- Perfect. How much is that?
\> Five euros.
My wife asked me to go out and buy something that makes her look s**....
She wasn't very pleased when I came home with a bottle of v**....
