Vodka Drinking Jokes

112 vodka drinking jokes and hilarious vodka drinking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vodka drinking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Vodka Drinking Short Jokes

Short vodka drinking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vodka drinking humour may include short vodka jokes also.

  1. Two Finnish guys are sitting in a ferry, drinking v**..... After a few hours of drinking one of the Finns says This was fun
    The other one replies:
    Are we here to drink, or are we here to talk?
  2. Just invented a new drink. v**..., cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol. Its called the Cosbypolitan
  3. I don't think drinking v**... is the solution to all of my problems... But it's worth a shot.
  4. TIL: A fly will drink so much v**... it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip. Just enough to get buzzed.
  5. They say milk make you strong. Drink three glasses of milk and try to move a wall.
    No way you can do it.
    But drink three glasses of v**....
    And the walk moves by itself!
  6. I've really cut down on my drinking and now only have one v**... before going to bed... Last night I went to bed 8 times.
  7. "Bad news son, the price of v**... has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son. "No, you will eat less."
  8. TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her v**......she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson about brand loyalty
  9. Congrats! You're on the new game show, Serbia or Suburbia! Contestant #1, who drinks v**... immediately when they get off work, because their country is falling apart?
  10. Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking v**... from a coffee cup while driving. They took a mug shot.

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Vodka Drinking One Liners

Which vodka drinking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vodka drinking? I can suggest the ones about russian vodka and drinking.

  1. Why don't the jedi drink v**...? Because only the Sith deal in absolut
  2. What is Obi Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink? Absolute v**...!
  3. What brand of v**... does a Canadian drink? Grey Moose
  4. I'm allergic to v**..., I can't drink it. It makes me break out in handcuffs.
  5. What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast? Stop "Russian"
  6. So I told my friend to drink v**..., and he actually did it. the Absolut madman.
  7. There once was a prisoner drinking v**... out of a coffee cup. That was his mugshot.
  8. What's a school shooter's favorite drink? Reb and v**....
  9. What kind of beer do Soviets drink? v**...
  10. What are numbers that can be ratios who drink v**... called? Russianoles.
  11. What is the epileptic bartender's signature drink? v**... martini, shaken not stirred
  12. What's a Soviet's favorite drink? Leninade!
    Just kidding it's v**...
  13. What Drink Consist Of v**..., Orange Juice & Coffee? A Screw Mrs. Olson.
  14. I've started drinking v**... Because I'm Bordeaux wine
  15. My mum likes mixing drinks But I have no idea why she wanted me to put v**... in cider.

Vodka Drinking Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about vodka drinking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beer drinking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vodka drinking pranks.

A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no v**...." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."

A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no v**...." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."

A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of v**... and noone to drink them!"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best v**... out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best v**... in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find v**... as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"

At the rise of the USSR....

v**... prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, "Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"
he responded, "no this means you're gonna eat less."

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

Arthur and the nun

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

A Russian, a Frenchman, a Brit and a Pakistani are on a train.

The Russian turns to the rest and pulls out a bottle of v**..., drinks half and then throws it out of the window. The Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all give him a confused look and ask why he did that.
"I don't need that, where I come from, is plenty of v**...," the Russian replies.
The Frenchman smiles and pulls out a bottle of very fine wine, drinks half and, following suit, throws it out of the window. "I don't need that. Where I come from, there is enough wine."
The Brit then picks up the Pakistani, and throws him out of the window.

3 vampires walk into a bar

There were these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and v**...." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and v**.... The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and v**...." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and v**.... The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a mug of hot water." The bartender gives him a surprised look, "Why do you want a mug of hot water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty t**... and says, "It's tea time."

The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics

You have been warned...
In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of v**...!

a man walks into a bar

he sits down and orders 3 double vodkas, the bartender asks 'rough day ha?'. to this the man replies 'yea. i just found out my older brother is gay'. the bartender smiles sympathetically and services him his drinks.
the next day the same man walks into the same bar and orders the same drinks the bartender asks 'what happened this time' the man replies 'my younger brother just came out of the closet'. the bartender gives the same smile and gives the man his drinks.
the next day the same man walks into the same bar before he can say anything the bartender asks 'christ man doesn't anyone in your family like women?' the man replies 'yes my wife'.

My Grandma E-Mailed me this one

When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

Russian foodie joke

A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, "This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail!"
Each subsequent delivery of fowl by the waiter is settled by the mysterious diner in the same manner: two spoons, a quick inspection, followed by an indubitable declaration: Kiev, 2 years; Minsk, 4 years; Volgograd, 5 years!
Meanwhile, a local is seated in the corner table, drinking v**... freely, inscrutable, and privy to the entire quail affair. Slowly, he rises to his feet, acquires an unsteady but adequate balance, makes his way to the mysterious diner's table, turns, drops his pants, and plaintively asks, "My droog, please help me! I orphan! How many years I have? And where I am born???"

My Drink With My Girl Friends and Rainy Night:

The day starts with rain, and whole the day i have not seen even a single train. At night she come to me o yeaah! She holds a v**... Bottle. Asked me for enjoying the full night with continuously sips of packs. I opened the bottle take a pack, she watched. Again i make a pack and take it. She looked at me and waiting for her pack. Again i make a pack and take it. She stands up. I request her to set down. Again i make a pack and take it. She stands and went off. Again I make a Pack and Tack it :D


A meeting wraps up amongst delegates in Russia. The Russian minister says to his fellow delegates, "After meetings like this, its Russian policy to drink v**... and play a round of Russian Roulette."
The Nigerian delegate asks what Russian Roulette is.
"Well I take this revolver, place a round in it, spin the chamber and fire at my temple. Then I pass it around. Each of you spins the chamber and repeats. If you die, it means you didn't have honest intentions in the meeting."
They each take their turn and live, at which point the meetings adjourn. A few months later the same group meets in Nigeria.
After their meetings the Nigerian Ambassador says "After a successful meeting in this country we like to drink Ogogoro and play a round of Nigerian Roulette."
"How do you play?" The Russian asks.
"Well I bring in 4 beautiful women. You must choose to sleep with one of them unprotected."
"That's not so bad," the Russian says "Is there a catch?"
"One of the 4 of them is h**... positive"

I took a taxi home

As we welcome 2015, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, last night, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few v**... shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,

but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."

Why can't Michael J. Fox have his favorite drink?

Because his favorite drink is a v**... Martini, stirred, not shaken.

Took my son for his first drink.

Today I took my son first for his first drink.
I gave him beer. He didn't like it so I drank it.
I gave him cider. He didn't like it so I drank it.
I gave him whiskey. He didn't like it so I drank it.
I gave him v**.... He didn't like it so I drank it.
I then told him that we were going home since he never liked anything. The only problem with going home was that I could barely push his pram out the bar door.

A Mexican, a Russian, and a Texan sitting at a bar

The Mexican has a bottle of tequila and says "in Mexico there is plenty of tequila" takes a big swig out of the bottle and throws it in the air and shoots the bottle. The Russian sitting next to him hears him and says " in mother russia we have plenty of v**..." takes a swig out of his bottle of v**... and throws it in the air and shoots it. The Texan sees this and is drinking an Alamo beer. So he says" in Texas we have plenty of beer." Takes a drink and shoots the Mexican and says "but in Texas we have plenty of Mexicans i tell you h'wut"

Soviet Production Inspector

The Soviet leadership was receiving reports of factory workers drinking on the job. They dispatch a Commissar to investigate, and he went to a factory and asks one of the workers, "If you had a glass of v**..., could you work today?"
The worker replied "I, I guess I could, sir."
The Commissar continued, "And if you had two glasses of v**..., could you work?"
The worker said, I guess I could, sir."
The Commissar asked, mostly out of his own curiosity, "If you had three glasses of v**..., could you work?"
The worker pulled out his flask and said, "I'm here, aren't I?"

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his t**... in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar from the Scottish Highlands. It should be savored and enjoyed not gulped like a shot of cheap v**... !" The guy says "You would drink it fast if you have what I have." "Why what do you have ?" he asks. The guy says "$1.28 !"

I regret my drinks order on the Titanic

v**... and ice

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,
"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of v**...?"
"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."
"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of v**..."
"I guess I could."
"Could you do your job if you had three cups of v**...?"
"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"

A black man walks into a bar...

And sits down with a parrot on his shoulder. When the bartender asks what he would like to drink, the parrot answers instead.
"v**...!" it squawks.
Amazed by the trick, the bartender got him his drink and stood back in awe. A few minutes later, the curiosity became to strong for the bartender and he had to know.
" hey, where did u get that? It's so well trained!"
"Africa" answers the parrot.

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.
The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of v**... to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.
And on that day, the v**...'d Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best v**... out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best v**... of the world, nowhere in the world you can find v**... as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

Why is v**... Obi-Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink?

Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

A man walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of v**....

"Rough day?", says the bartender as he starts pouring the shots.
The man downs each shot as soon as it's full, then says "You wouldn't believe it. You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
"What's that?"
"25 cents."

A Man Walks Into a Bar

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of v**..., then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have s**... with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of v**... and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"

Man walks into a bar

Says to the bartender "let me get a bottle of anything that's not v**...."
Bartender says "why not v**...?"
Man replies "well I drank a whole bottle of that last night and blew chunks."
Bartender says "drink a whole bottle of anything and you'll throw up."
Man says "no you don't understand, chunks is my dog."

Russian Nursery Rhyme

Row row row your boat all the way to Vladivostok
Life is eternal struggle towards an inevitable death
Drink v**... till you sleep

Official Inauguration Drink - The Orange Russian

Make a white Russian, but use gold leaf in the ice cubes and Trump v**....
Claim it's made wrong,
Tell the Bartender " You're Fired"
Refuse to pay.

Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism?

He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink v**... with orange jews.

The doctor told me to drink a lot of clear liquid

So I picked up some v**... and gin on the way home.

A man walks into a bar, and to his surprise, Eminem is the one serving drinks.

The man asks Eminem "Hey, can I get two shots of v**...?"
Eminem says "You only get one shot!"

What's the most popular drink in the Whitehouse for the summer of 2017 ?

v**..., on the rocks.

I'm a Christian

That's why I drink. People say v**... is my enemy and Jesus always said we should love our enemies.

A man walks into a bar...

...wearing a hospital gown and attached to an IV drip.
He asks the barman to give him a double v**... on the rocks.
Barman passes him one and he necks it back.
He asks the barman for another double v**... on the rocks.
Barman passes him another and he necks it back.
'I really shouldn't be drinking this with what I have,' the man says.
'What do you have?' the barman says.
'50 cents,' the man says.

Genie grants a wish...

One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to v**....
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the v**.... They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter.
'What would you like to drink sir?' asked the barmaid.
'I dunno', said the man.
'Okay. How about whisky?' she asked.
'Nah', replied the man.
'Don't make me laugh'
'Now that's the spirit!'

Alien arrives on Earth

and goes to communicate with humans.
He enters a bar, men there are drinking v**....
"I am from Sirius" alien starts.
"Hey, barkeep! Pour Sirius a shot"
Everyone drinks a shot, after a while alien starts again:
"You didn't understand me. I am from Sirius"
"Hey, bartender! Pour Sirius another one"
After the second shot already slightly drunk alien starts again:
"Didn't you understand? I am an alien"
Men looks between them and yells to the bartender:
"Sirius had enough. He is drunk already"

My parents finally poured a drink for me when I turned 21

I said no, that v**... is at least 70% water

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar one night and orders a v**... on the rocks from the bartender. After he finishes the drink, he peeks into his shirt pocket before ordering another v**... on the rocks.
The bartender sees this but does not mention anything, after the man once again finishes his drink, he once again peeks into his shirt pocket before ordering another v**... on the rocks.
The bartender now curious said to the man "Look buddy, I'm happy to pour you v**... on the rocks all night but do you mind telling me what's in your pocket?"
The man looks up and says "It's a picture of my wife and when she starts to look half attractive, I know it's time to go."

Russia. Little Boris comes running to his alcoholic father.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that v**... has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"
"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.

A Russian runs into a bar

Quick! Quick he yells at the bartender. A v**... before it starts!
The bartender quickly pours him a shot of v**... which the Russian drinks in one gulp.
Another! Fast before it starts...
The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately.
Hurry hurry another one before it starts...
The bartender asks "how are you going to pay for these?"
The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"

They say drinking milk makes you stronger...

So I drank a carton of milk, and then I tried to push my fridge and it didn't even budge.
Frustrated, I decided to drink a bottle of v**..., and guess what happened?
The fridge moved itself

A man sits down at a bar and orders ten shots of v**...

When the bartender finishes pouring them out the man pushes away the first and last shot glass. Another patron, sitting next to him, quietly observes the man doing the exact same thing three times before he gathers up the courage to ask why he doesn't drink the first and last one.
The man looks at him and says: "The first one never goes down properly and the last one always comes back up."

Heard this Russian joke somewhere, thought I'd share.

A group of Russians decided to hold a little contest among themselves. It had three stages:

**1.** Who can drink the most v**...?
**2.** Who can say the dirtiest word?
**3.** Who can punch the hardest?

Stage 1 was won by Vasya Ivanovich, who drank *all* the v**....
Stage 2 was won by Pyotr Vasilyevich, who arrived late only to find out there's no more v**....
Stage 3 was won, once again, by Pyotr Vasilyevich, when he was told that it was Vasya Ivanovich who drank all the v**....

Orange juice, peach schnapps, v**..., and fresh mint.

The best type of party drink. I call it "Orange Impeachmint"

What do Jedi masters drink?

Mace windu will have a whiskey,
Yoda prefers a neat v**...,
And qui-gon, gin.

Bro1 : people says drinking milk gives you strength

Bro2: Yes, thats true bro
Bro1: i drank 10 glassesof milk , still couldn't shake a wall. I tried 5 shots of v**... and the wall shake by itself

A guy walks into a bar, slams $20 down and asks for a v**.... The barman serves the drink and enquires about his problem...

"I just found out my brother is gay", says the guy. "Man, that's tough," says the barman. Two weeks later the same guy goes to the bar again, and slams another $20 on the bar. The barman again enquires about his problem."I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow your family is s**... up," says the barman. Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, does anyone in your family even like to sleep with women?". "Yes", replies the guy, "my wife."

Conversation between friends at a bar

Guy: Hey have a shot of this
Girl: no man I dont drink but anyway is that tequila or v**...
Guy: why do you know soo much about alcohol when you don't want to have any
Girl: Do you know what d**... is ?
Guy: ( with a big smile) yea
Girl: 69 ?
Guy: obviously yea
Girl: why do you know soo much about s**... when you know you're not going to have any

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of v**..., stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.
In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.
The Russian however, was b**... on the door all night asking for more v**.... He is found hung from a rope, clearly dead. Turns out he dropped his bottle, it smashed and all the v**... spilt out. He couldn't bare the misfortune.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids' party

He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a v**... Martini, Shaken not stirred. I have waited so long for this line to end, please make it quick.
The person replies, Sir, I am sorry to inform you.
You waited this whole time for the punch line.

Axel Voss walks into a bar.

Axel Voss walks into a bar.
"Bartender I am celebrating a victory in the European Parliament. Get me some very expensive drink."
"Sir, this is The Inventor's Bar - our drinks are named after inventions: the harder they are to invent, the more expensive the drink is. I would recommend Perpetuum Mobile Brandy, Squared Circle v**... or Halting Problem r**... for you."
"Do you have something even more luxurious?"
"Yes sir, try our most expensive beverage: try the Content Filter Which Tells Parody From Plagiarism Cognac!"

What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church?

The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy v**....

Silly Russian joke

Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring v**... into plastic cups. He says:
*-Hey, mate. I am a surgeon. Not used to drinking without my anesthesiologist.*

A rich guy walks into a bar

He slams down a thousand dollars on the bar and loudly exclaims that if anyone can drink 50 shots of v**..., the money is theirs. Some grumble and a guy walks out of the bar. Nobody takes him up on his challenge so he sits on the bar stool and says he'll be here all night in case there are any takers.
Half an hour later the guy who walked out comes back in, walks up to the guy, and says he'll accept the challenge. Excited, he orders up the drinks and asks why the guy walked out earlier. Guy replies, "I wanted to see if I could do it first."