Vodka Day Jokes
36 vodka day jokes and hilarious vodka day puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about vodka day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Vodka Day Short Jokes
Short vodka day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vodka day humour may include short vodka drinking jokes also.
- Gas prices are so high these days I used v**... in my lawnmower, ... now my grass is half cut.
- A man walks into a bar after the summer solstice and orders a quadruple v**... The bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"
The man sighs and says, "It's been a long day." - Drank a whole bottle of fancy v**... to celebrate Star Wars day Only a Fifth, still it's Absolute.
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Vodka Day One Liners
Which vodka day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vodka day? I can suggest the ones about vodka and russian vodka.
- I've been on this new v**... diet. It's great, I've lost 3 days already!
- Im trying the new v**... diet... Lose 3 days every week
- So I took a shot of v**... the other day. The picture turned out quite nice.
- The best diet is the v**... diet... Lose 3 days in one week..
- v**... diet I tried. It worked. I lost 3 days in 1 week.
- What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast? Stop "Russian"
Vodka Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about vodka day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean absolut vodka jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vodka day pranks.
I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some v**...
But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A turtle walks into a bar.
A turtle walks into a bar and orders some water. The bartender gives that turtle a glass of water and the turtle slowly walks away with it. On the next day the turtle comes again with the same order. This repeats for four days, but on day 5 the bartender decides to ask the turtle:
- Man, why do you just order water. Wouldn't you like to try some v**... or something?
The turtle replies:
- Not now, man, my house is on fire, d**... it!
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of v**... and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the v**... and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
Putin dies and goes to h**.......
Because of good behaviour he is allowed out for a few days and goes to Moscow, where he visits a bar. He orders a shot of v**... and asks:
\- Is Crimea ours?
\> Belongs to us.
\- And Donbas and Kiev?
\>Ours!
\- Perfect. How much is that?
\> Five euros.
At the rise of the USSR....
v**... prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, "Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"
he responded, "no this means you're gonna eat less."
A man walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of v**....
"Rough day?", says the bartender as he starts pouring the shots.
The man downs each shot as soon as it's full, then says "You wouldn't believe it. You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
"What's that?"
"25 cents."
There is only one mother
Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own p**... but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of v**... from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <
An American and a Russian are arguing about who had more freedom back in the old days of communism.
The American says that if he wanted he could pee in front of the Statue of Liberty with no repercussions.
The Russian says that he could go to Red Square, drop his pants and take a dump right in front everybody with no problem.
After more than a few vodkas, the American admits that he exaggerated. He would have to sneak behind the Statue of Liberty at 3am to do his business.
The Russian admits that if he were to take a dump in Red Square, he'd have to do it with his pants up.
A duck enters a bar...
The bartender says "what'll ya have?"
"Scotch. Put it on my bill", it replies
"Sure thing", the bartender says, "so how's your day been going?"
"Pretty good" says the duck, "I've been in and out of puddles all day"
A second duck enters and orders a beer
Bartender asks "hey there! How are you mr duck?"
"Great!" he says, "I've been in and out of puddles all day!!"
Third duck enters the bar
"I'll have 3 shots of v**...."
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's a lot for a duck like you. Having a rough one?"
"Yeah," says the third duck, "my name is Puddles"
A man was standing at the bus stop.
Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-
Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking so fit and young?'
Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day.
I drink 4-5 bottles of v**... daily,and I am a serious drug-addict.
And I hate doing exercise or Yoga.
Whenever I see someone going to gym or playground,I feel sick for them.
That's all I do'
Man(Extremely shocked and impressed)-'WOW Sir.That's unbelievable. By the way how old are you?'
Old man-'I will turn 25 this month'
Genie grants a wish...
One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to v**....
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the v**.... They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.
A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.
Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.
The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of v**... to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.
And on that day, the v**...'d Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.
A man walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for six shots of v**.... As soon as the bartender gives it to him, he downs them in four seconds flat.
"Rough day, huh?" Says the bartender.
"Yeah," coughs the man, "I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the man comes back in, asks for six more shots, and downs them as fast as he can.
"What happened today?" Asked the bartender.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay, too." The man replies.
The third day, the man comes in, asks for the whole bottle of v**..., and starts chugging it. The bartender is mortified.
"Does *anyone* in your family like women?" He asks.
"Yeah," the man replies, "my wife."
My Drink With My Girl Friends and Rainy Night:
The day starts with rain, and whole the day i have not seen even a single train. At night she come to me o yeaah! She holds a v**... Bottle. Asked me for enjoying the full night with continuously sips of packs. I opened the bottle take a pack, she watched. Again i make a pack and take it. She looked at me and waiting for her pack. Again i make a pack and take it. She stands up. I request her to set down. Again i make a pack and take it. She stands and went off. Again I make a Pack and Tack it :D
a man walks into a bar
he sits down and orders 3 double vodkas, the bartender asks 'rough day ha?'. to this the man replies 'yea. i just found out my older brother is gay'. the bartender smiles sympathetically and services him his drinks.
the next day the same man walks into the same bar and orders the same drinks the bartender asks 'what happened this time' the man replies 'my younger brother just came out of the closet'. the bartender gives the same smile and gives the man his drinks.
the next day the same man walks into the same bar before he can say anything the bartender asks 'christ man doesn't anyone in your family like women?' the man replies 'yes my wife'.
During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.
So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.
The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with v**....
At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!
Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!
But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!
Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke
One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and v**... flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil." The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, "Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right?" The Golden fish nodded. "And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land?" Again, nodding in affirmation. "Alright, just fill it full of water then."
Arthur and the nun
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
