Vladimir Putin Jokes
110 vladimir putin jokes and hilarious vladimir putin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vladimir putin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Vladimir Putin Short Jokes
Short vladimir putin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vladimir putin humour may include short jokes also.
- Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - Say what you want about Vladimir Putin.. But not many people can run two countries at once
- Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep? Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.
- What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common? They both lead Russia to the 18th century.
- Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin... dead."
- What's the difference between a starfish and Vladimir Putin? One is brainless, spineless, and impossible to reason with.
The other one is a starfish. - People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him. I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.
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Vladimir Putin One Liners
Which vladimir putin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vladimir putin? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins? Mankind
- Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game? Vladimir Putin.
- Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%... The other 20% are missing.
- Never accept tea offered by the Russian President You don´t know what Vladimir Putin
- Vladimir does not pull out... He only *putin*
- What is Vladimir Putin's favorite instrument to play? A Trumpet!
- Why was Vladimir Putin sad? No one voted for him in the last election.
- Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting He was really Russian
- What would happen if Vladimir Putin retreats? He would become Vladimir Pullout.
- Putin is visiting Ukraine "Name?"
"Vladimir Putin"
"Occupation?"
"Not this time" - Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician He makes his opponents disappear
- 87% of Russians favor Vladimir Putin The other 13% is still missing.
- What's Vladimir Putin's favorite sport? Cross-country
- Which musical instrument does Vladimir Putin know how to play best? The TRUMPet!
- The U.S. will soon have the first first lady that was not born in the U.S. Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about vladimir putin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vladimir putin pranks.
Vladimir Putin has declared there is a cure for homosexuality
Lipstick. Apparently it keeps the chaps away.
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting
Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"
Vladimir Putin and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi (leader of ISIS) jump off a tall building together. Who hits the ground first?
Who cares?
I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II
...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.
When Vladimir Putin left his home as a teenager he told his dad:
"You are now the man of the house."
Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.
Customs Officer: "Name?"
Putin: "Vladimir Putin."
Customs Officer: "Nationality?"
Putin: "Russian."
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."
What does Vladimir Putin call a waterslide made from the tears of Western Europeans?
Crimea River.
Why was Vladimir late to gym class?
cause he was Putin his shoes on XD
Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries
He responded: Oh go Crimea river
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
How many basement dwellers and deplorables does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's ridiculous I saw on CNN that Hillary has already changed the lightbulb Plus it's not dark and the light bulb isn't broken and anyway who told you it was broken Vladimir Putin? What are you sexist?
With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.
We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore.
Help
Did you hear Vladimir Putin made a travel sized Russia?
It is the perfect country to Putin your pocket.
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...
After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.
"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"
Putin smiled knowingly and replied: "They're not allowed to".
Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans
Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.
What do you call Vladimir Putin when he's using the bathroom?
Vladimir Pupin
What did Trump say to Putin after he got elected?
Well, Vladimir, u**... for a real treat the next four years.
Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism?
He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink v**... with orange jews.
Vladimir Putin is banning Brazzers saying it's bad for the psyche.
"Psyche". Now I know how to say 'wrist' in Russian!
Why did the Russian official commit s**...?
He was so distraught about disappointing Vladimir Putin that he shot himself in the back of the head, twice.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
If Russia has been....
If Russia has been meddling with American politics and Trump is Vladimir Putins Puppet... Does that make Vladimir Putin a Trumpeteer?
Tributes from around the globe are still pouring in after the death of Sir Roger Moore…
The one from Vladimir Putin read: "From Russia, with love."
The Russian election system
Where citizens choose between Vladimir Putin or a KGB firing squad.
A mosquito landed on Vladimir Putin's arm the other day...
It was later found to have swatted itself in the back of the head.
Russian Elections
Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.
Ultimatum
Vladimir Putin gave Great Britain 24 hours to explain the death of Stephen Hawking.
What do you get from crossing Brad Pitt, Vladimir Putin and Adolf h**...?
Do you know the difference between Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton?
Vladimir Putin can win an election rigged in his favor
Vladimir Putin receives a phone call from his assistant after the election...
"Good morning, Mr. Putin. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that your adversary has taken 61% of the vote. The good is, you've taken more."
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Donald Trump, Enrique Peña Nieto and Vladimir puttin are travelling in a helicopter for a top secret meeting when
Suddenly Vladimir Putin throws his beautiful secretary out of the helicopter.
Others:- Why did you do that?
Vladimir Putin :- too many beautiful women in our country
Then,Enrique Peña Nieto throws his tequila out
Others :- Why?
Enrique Peña Nieto :- Too much tequila in our country.
Donald Trump being anxious, throws Enrique Peña Nieto and exclaims"Too many Mexicans!"
Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country
He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, Name?
Vladimir Putin
Country of Origin?
Russia
Occupation?
No, no. Just visiting.
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
When the Russian Secret Police have to run a security check on the Presidents new girlfriend they first have to ask
Where's Vladimir Putin it?
How Putin ruined the ego of swingers everywhere
Vladimir Putin: Some people say that group s**... is better than s**... as a pair - because I guess, like with any teamwork, one can dodge being good at it.
What is Vladimir Putin's tiny wife's name?
Lilly Putin.
Vladimir Putin: "You say Ukraine."
"I say MYkraine!"
What Vladimir Putin and General Sherman have in common?
Invading Georgia.
Oh those Russians
Suddenly there are a lot of covid cases in Russia. Vladimir needs to Putin a lot of restrictions on the people. Else the city will start Kremlin to pieces.
What's Vladimir Putin's favorite drink?
A Molotov cocktail
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...
appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, I've got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.
Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, Why blue?
Putin is asked by an interviewer, "Vladimir Vladimirovich, how did you get in the KGB?"
Putin replies, "You see, when I was a young man, I would listen to my friends tell political jokes and would write them down."
"Jokes?" asks the interviewer
"Not only jokes, but also the names of the joke tellers."
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…
A man approaches an Ukrainian immigration officer.
"Name?"
\-"Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin."
"Adress?"
\-"Kremlin, Moscow, Russia."
"Occupation?"
\-"No, this time just visiting."
As tensions rise in Ukraine
Vladimir is Putin troops in separatist regions, and Joe is Biden his time with imposing sanctions.
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.
He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the b**... madman"
Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.
"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the b**... madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.
"Shut up, you. We all know who the b**... madman is here".
Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself
He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"
(edit - typo)
Lavrov wakes up Putin at night ...
\- Vladimir Vladimirovich, Ukrainians want to talk about surrender.
\- Harasho , finally. Get them on the phone.
\- No ... They're outside the door. We have an hour.
What did Vladimir Putin say to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?
Gladimhere Poopin
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
Vladimir Putin is called to New York to answer before the United Nations for his invasion of Ukraine
Putin gets to the customs officer and presents his passport.
Customs agent: And what's the purpose of your visit, Mr. Putin? Business or pleasure?
Putin: Business, of course.
Customs agent: Occupation?
Putin: No, not this time. Just visiting.
Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.
They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.
One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".
"Yes."
An hour later, no car has passed by.
"Are you sure you got the time right?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."