Visitor Jokes
48 visitor jokes and hilarious visitor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about visitor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover hilarious jokes designed to make a church visitor, customer, or traveller laugh, featuring stories from Harvard and beyond! Get ready to roar with laughter!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Visitor Short Jokes
Short visitor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The visitor humour may include short guest jokes also.
- Did you hear that auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go? They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
- A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement" - I got fired form the zoo. Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.
- I visited my friend in his flat He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors
- When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
- Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...
It's rated only '1 star' out there. - My friend showed me a photo of a famous meteor crater in Arizona. It's amazing how close it landed to the Visitor's Center.
- I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
- Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto.
- Friendships I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Share These Visitor Jokes With Friends
Visitor One Liners
Which visitor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with visitor? I can suggest the ones about member and reader.
- My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china.
- What do you call a blonde on a college campus? A visitor
- How does Darth Vader greet visitors to Disneyland? Welcome to the Park side.
- What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning? A visitor
- What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church? A visitor.
- Who is consistently the best pro sports team to watch in Minnesota? The visitors.
- My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors. I never would have guest
- A Cow Grazing Artist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing" Visitor : "Where is the grass ?"
- What did a host termite told to a visitor termite? Have a seat.
- Copenhagen continues to captivate visitors. They're experiencing the Stockholm syndrome.
- What did the French biologist say to visitors entering the corn maze Enjoy Zea maize!
- You know who hates unexpected visitors? o**... Bin Ladin
Church Visitor Jokes
Here is a list of funny church visitor jokes and even better church visitor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Height of internet addiction At a f**... in church
A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?
Priest: Respect the dead.
Visitor: all small letters? - Height of internet addiction!! *Height of internet addiction*
*At a f**... in church*
*A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?*
*Priest: respect the dead*
*Visitor: all small letters? ???*
Gather Around for Fun Visitor Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about visitor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tourist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make visitor pranks.
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"
A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.
When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…
Why are you doing that? asked the keeper.
The sign says it's okay, replied the visitor.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Visitors
Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."
During a visit to the mental hospital....
..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The Age of a Dinosaur
This old natural museum guide, near retirement, is talking to a group of visitors about a T-Rex skeleton.
"This dinosaur is sixty-five million and thirty-three years, ten months and six days."
"How can the age be so precise?" asks a visitor.
"Well", the old man ponders out loud, "when I started this job, I've been told the T-Rex was 65 million years...'
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his a**..., is he gay?
Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit...
"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"
A young man visiting a ranch went out walking with...
...one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Bargaining
A visitor to my market stall was insistent on bargaining. I said "sir, this is America, we don't negotiate with tourists."
At a f**......
Visitor: what's the wifi password here?
Priest: please respect the dead.
Visitor: all lower case?
Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it
Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again
My dad's favourite joke
A man was visiting his friend at his home when all the sudden, the visitor realised something odd.
"Why are you in your underwear?" asked the visitor
"For comfort, I'm at home after all" replied the man
"But why wear a tie?"
"Well, you never know when a visitor comes over"
Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit
It was Polarizing
The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum
,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"
In USSR there were two popular newspaper...
..."The Truth" and "The News".
One visitor asked a local what the difference between them were.
"Well, there's no news in "The Truth", and no truth in "The News""
Why do they call a woman's monthly visitor a period?
From my experience it's more like an exclamation point.
In life, you never have to worry about parking...
you always have the visitor spot.
This is my joke. Don't hurt me. We're all mortal here.
"I broke a statue"
Museum Administrator : "Sir, that's a 700 year old statue that you just broke"
Visitor : "oh..really ?....thank God...I thought its brand new"
I was the 100 billionth visitor on a website and won a free lamborghini
Apparently my credit card company thought I payed for it
Today I was started when I got a visitor at my door..
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Yeah that's a gibbon.
In the zoo a visitor says to another while looking at the apes enclosure, "so, that one is not a great ape, right" and the other says "yeah, that's a gibbon"
The Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
s**... humor...
A visitor came to our boat and gestured to the handful of crew members holding tools and engaged in discussion.
"Oh yes," I replied, "it's a 'solution' of engineers."
The visitor then gestured to the crew on the bridge who were standing around the chart table engaged in a discussion.
"That? Well that's a 'clusterfuck' of captains."
As we were speaking the engineers walked onto the bridge and began chatting with the captains.
"Ok," the visitor replied, "so what is it when the engineers get mixed up with the captains?"
"Oh," I said, shaking my head. "That's almost always a 'fucked up solution'."
