Visiting Family Jokes
58 visiting family jokes and hilarious visiting family puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about visiting family that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Visiting Family Short Jokes
Short visiting family jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The visiting family humour may include short family vacation jokes also.
- I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
- Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas? Because he was Snowden.
- The best part about Halloween is when my family who love puns visits It's great seeing my pun-kin
- My wife was in labor for forty seven hours. During that time she was visited by friends, families, neighbours.... So I heard
- Taking coffee order for family I'm visiting, buying everyone Starbucks, asked my mom how she like her coffee, she likes her coffee like she likes her slaves.. Free.
- I'm a Hispanic man and started a family with my Japanese wife. The kids names are Mikasa and Tsukasa, we're gonna stop visiting my folks for a while because they always laugh at them.
- On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"
- Abdul Ali was seriously injured in a car c**... & he has been on life support. Today his family had to make an agonizing decision.
They closed the shop to visit him.......
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Visiting Family One Liners
Which visiting family one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with visiting family? I can suggest the ones about family reunion and vacationing.
- How did the inmates communicate to their families after visiting hours? Cell phones.
- What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy? A family friend paying a visit.
- What can you tell a black kid to do? Go visit his family tree.
- What do you call a black man visiting a zoo? a family reunion
Visiting Family Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about visiting family you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean family day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make visiting family pranks.
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”
A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family.
She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.
When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”
A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.
The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve s**... the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."
Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.
But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn't a sign of it in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?"
"Darling, I really didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy."
An Amish family visits a mall...
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".
A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.
The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."
The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"
The doctor is alarmed, but continues to check. He next listens to the ankle and hears, "Doctor, do you think you could spare me 10 dollars? I'm good for it!"
Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's shin and hears, "You look like the reliable type, do you think you could spot me 20 dollars?"
The doctor sighs, and tells his patient the bad news. "Well, it seems your leg is broke in three places."
Department Store Shopping
A department store in town opened a building, 6 stories high, each floor offering progressively improving quality husbands.
They offered a range of men for sale to women at their discretion.
A woman walked into the store head the banner above the first floor reading, "Nice Guy," impressed as she was, she moved to the second floor.
The second floor's banner read, "Nice guys that love kids." Dumb-founded as she was, she continued on to see what else this store had to offer.
The third floor offered, "Cute guys that loved kids and cuddles." The woman was definitely getting impressed but she was interested to see what else she could find.
The fourth floor of the department store read, "Hot guys, love kids and have money". The girl, in her element, couldn't help but go to the next floor.
The fifth floor read, "Hot guys, love kids, have money, have a nice house and love family." She couldnt help but look at the next floor, where the banner read, "This floor only proves that women can't be pleased, and there is no men for sale on this floor."
For the point of proving points, the same department opened a shop across the road for men, same amount of levels. The first floor read, "Loves s**...," and the 2nd floor read, "Pretty and loves s**...." Levels 3, 4, 5, and 6 were never visited.
The Indian with a great memory
When I was a kid, everyone all over the country would come to visit the Indian reservation to meet one person. He was the only man in the world to have a perfect memory, but people were only allowed to ask one question. My family decided to go visit him for ourselves, and when we got there I had the perfect question.
"Excuse me sir, what did you have for breakfast when you were 15 years old?"
He replied, "Eggs." and that was that. I was disappointed by his answer, but there was nothing I could do.
Ten years later I recognized the man sitting by himself in a park. I walked up to him, held my hand up with the palm up, and said "How". He said "Scrambled."
A man was driving his family home from visiting his wife's parents in the country. After a few minutes she looked over at him and noticed he was crying.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asked.
"I was thinking about that day at the video arcade when we met," he said softly.
She smiled, "Yes, I remember that."
"You told me you were 18, but you were really 16."
She giggled, "I remember that too."
"You talked me into taking you to the drive-in that night."
She grinned. "Yes, I know."
"You didn't tell me your dad owned the drive-in, and when he caught us he said if I didn't marry you he'd make sure I went to prison for 20 years."
She laughed. "Yes, but so what? That was twenty years ago!"
He cried even harder, "I know! I'd be getting out of prison now!"
Assisted Living
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on
the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".
"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"
"And me, I haven't had s**... for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"
A young man, about 15, visits his local pharmacy ...
...and heads straight to the family planning section. He takes a look around the c**... section and appears a little unsure of himself.
The pharmacist, an older gentleman, comes over and asks, "Excuse me son, what seems to be the trouble?"
The young man says, "Well, you see…I have a date tonight with my girlfriend. Actually, I'm going to meet her family for the first time. And then..well, I was thinking of…losing my…well, having our first.."
The young man mumbles a bit, but the pharmacist smiles and replies, "You want to make the night special, right?" He seemed like a good natured fellow, so the young man allows him to help him pick a pack of condoms. He rang up the price and the young man left.
Still very nervous, the young man goes to his girlfriend's house. After hugging his girlfriend, she introduces him to her parents.
After exchanging some pleasantries, the family and the young man sit down for dinner. The young man says that he will give the prayer before they eat and they all bow their heads. After about five minutes, the young man and the family are still praying. After another few minutes of prayer the girlfriend leans over and whispers "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious."
The young man leans over and replies, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
The twins
There were two twin brothers called Juan and Jamal who had grown up and left their family to find their luck far away in two different parts of the country.
After a while, missing his sons, their father went to a trip to see them. When back home, his wife, who had stayed home, asked him about their kids.
"I went first to Juan. He is quite fine" he said.
"What about Jamal, did you visit him as well?"
"No need. If I've seen Juan, I've seen Jamal"
A r**... family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.
In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. He decides to start all the at the outskirts of his Parrish and work his way inward. As he's walking the 7 miles to the O'leary farm, he notices how perfect the soil is, and how bountiful the upcoming harvest will be for the O'leary family. He thinks to himself how blessed by God they are. He comes to the door and tells Seamus O'leary how blessed he has been by God for this farm, and with the help of God he hopes he wakes up everyday thankful for what he has.
To which Seamus replies "Aye, I awake everyday thankful for what I have Fadder, but you should seen the place when just God owned it!"
Tl;dr
My marriage counselor is an agnostic.
EDIT
Title should be and I. I no word good.
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Potato Family Circus
Mama Potato and Papa Potato had a precious little baby Sweet Potato. Life was wonderful. The little Sweet Potato grew up and eventually went away to college, making her parents very, very proud.
One day the little Sweet Potato returned home for a surprise visit. "Mom, Dad," she proudly exclaimed, "I have some very exciting news for you! I want you to meet the man I am going to marry!!!" Her parents were brimming with joy. Their little Sweet Potato goes outside to fetch her new mate and comes in and says, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Walter Cronkite!"
"Walter Cronkite!?" her parents exclaimed in utter disbelief. "You can't marry him, he's a commentator!!"
The magic river
There was a family (the father, mother and a son) of black people who wanted to be white.
Not wanting to end up like Michael Jackson, they wanted a non-surgically way of going from black to white so they paid a visit to their village's wizard, who said:
" There's a river 2 miles north of here. If you can swim across it you will become white"
When they got to the river, they found that it was full of crocodiles swimming in it. And yet they gave it a shot.
The father went in and surprisingly made it across the river without a scratch. Like the wizard said, he became white
Seeing that it was actually true, the mother dived and made it to the other margin with some flesh wounds, but she turned white like the magician said.
Finally the son dived. He tried his best, but the crocodile caught up to him and he died in the river.
Upon seeing this, the father says
"Don't be sad, he was black!"
This man was suspicious his wife was cheating on him...
... as she was leaving home at night, telling him she was going to visit some friends, he followed her. She left driving the family car and he took a cab.
Upon destination, the woman enters a w**... and the man is now sure - she is cheating and working as a p**... behind his back, it was time to settle things right.
This man asks the taxi driver: "hey, wanna make 100$ more? go inside that w**... and retreive my wife - tell her you are paying for s**... and deliver her to me, I'll wait here, at the cab"
A few minutes later the taxi driver comes out of the w**... carring a very upset woman over his shoulders and tucks her inside the cab, when the husband looks at this woman he says: "hey, that`s not my wife!"
so the cab driver responds: "I know! that's MY wife. I'm coming back there to get yours, keep an eye on her for me yea?"
A German joke
An old man was travelling by train from his hometown of Offenburg to visit family in Frankfurt am Main. It was quite a journey for him, since he never got around much.
At one time the conductor walks by yelling "HEIDELBERG, GET OFF!" The man thinks, "That's my name!" and gets off the train marvelling at the wonders of modern technology that allow the railway companies to remind passengers by name where they have to change.
While on the platform he hears "HEIDELBERG, COME IN!" and hastily boards the other train. He sits down and since he's in an unusually good mood, he begins to chat up another passenger. "Where are you going?," he asks. "To Regensburg," sounded the reply.
The old man slaps his knees, and says excitedly "What a time to be alive! I'm going to Frankfurt, you're going to Regensburg, and we're both on the one same train!"
A mother hears from her son that his dad was cheating on her...
So she decides to wait until they have a family reunion. Then, she asks the kid to say what he saw. The kid gets in front of everyone and says:
So... The maid and dad were in his room. He was n**... and then she started s**... his... Mom, how do you call that thing that you s**... when our neighbour's father visits you?
One Wish
A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.
"Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I could drive and visit them."
"What!" cried the genie. "Have you any idea what building such a bridge would involve? The gigantic pillars all the way to the sea bed? The hundreds of gas stations to be supplied? The chaos to the shipping lanes? Are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like?"
The man thought for a moment. "Y'know, I've never had much luck in my relationships. Could you give me a complete understanding of women?"
The genie replied, "Was it four lanes you wanted or six?"
Last Words
There was a man in the hospital who was very old and most likely not making it out so his family went to the church to get the pastor to say goodbye and the hospital, so the next day the pastor visits the man in the hospital, but the man suddenly is gasping for air and can't breath so he grabs a pen and paper to write his last words he hands it to the pastor and died. The pastor takes the note and folds it into his pocket and ran to get the nurse. A week later at the mans f**... the pastors is reading from the Bible and remembers the not in his pocket so he opens it up and reads it to the congregation, it read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A Mexican man was visiting America.
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...
My whole family advised me not to.
"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.
"Why?" I asked.
"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."
"Don't go near the pirate ship," said my sister.
"Why?"
"Because it is haunted by Cut t**... Greybeard... a ghost who will hang you and slice you..."
"And don't go into the hall of mirrors," warned my dad.
"Why, who is in there?" I asked.
"No one, you're just ugly..."
the teacher was telling the students how their town would get 100% eclipse coverage
when Johnnie said, ''that s**... cause we will be visiting family down in Texas, so I won't get to see the eclipse in its full glory.''
Lindsey said, '' don't worry Johnny! when your mom stands in front of the sun you'll get 100% eclipse coverage wherever you are!
A family moves into their new house.
Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas s**... for several months.
Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.
They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches started disagreeing on what their next move was.
Mother cockroach- well honey, I really do think we should keep moving! traveling this much isn't good for the kids! how do you think they feel, having to switch roach schools every few weeks?!
papa roach- this is my last resort
At The Old Peoples Home
An frail old man is put in to a care home by his family. They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left. A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight. A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again. The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies, "It's quite nice but the only thing I don't like is that they don't let you f**..."
r**... and the elevator.
r**... Magic Elevator
A r**... family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old b**... blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
One day, when he was visiting family, Sleezy Steve happened to notice his cousin had become very attractive..
Steve: Hey cuz! Wanna play r**... family reunion?
Cousin: What?! No!
Steve: That's the spirit.
No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...
The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn't want to do it either.
When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
Wow! he exclaimed, I didn't know dogs could do chores!
I don't want to, but the family made me do it.
The friend was even more surprised, I didn't know dogs could talk!
Shhh , said the dog, don't let them know, or they will ask me to answer the phone.
Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.
At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.
Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.
What happened?
I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.
Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.
Well, she was still wearing them.
Oh, that's even worse.
Yeah, it ruined her whole f**....
Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.
Tried translating a joke from Latvian.
John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.
"Well, I saw a giraffe."
"What's a giraffe?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."
"Okay, what else?"
"Zebra."
"Zebra?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but with stripes."
"Okay, what else then?"
"I saw a hippo. "
"What's that?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Like a horse, but big and fat."
"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"
"Yes... a crocodile."
"What's a crocodile?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing like one."
A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.
But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said
A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.
The son went as usual to check the neogbour's house and returend after half an hour and he said
Son: i didnt see anyone except your daughter who stood on the patio for half an hour like me!
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.
With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".
After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
A boy needed to p**...
A young boy tells his mother, "Mom! I need to p**...!"
The mother didn't like her boy's use of language and responded, "Don't say that. Say you want to sing instead."
The next day the boy is visiting a family party along with his grandma, when the boy's mom and dad go to dance he tells his grandma, "Grandma! i need to sing!"
The grandma responds, "Well sing into one of grandmas ears dear!"
A man and his wife are having trouble conceiving.
They asked a priest who was going to live in Rome to light a candle for them.
A number of years later the priest came back stateside and went to visit the family. The husband was not at home, but the woman was surrounded by children. The priest enquired about the husband, and the wife told him "he went to Rome to try to find you and get you to blow out the b**... candle".
A family is visiting a museum in the US
Soon, they see two skeletons and the father asks the museum guide:
\- Whose skeleton is this?
\- This is the George Washington's skeleton.
\- Oh, and that smaller skeleton?
\- That's George Washington's skeleton as a child.