The Best 71 Visited Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Visited jokes. There are some visited psych visit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these visited doctor visit puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Visited Jokes and Puns

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

Men are greedy bastards.

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are female.

A man visits the doctor

and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?

Man: Ive visited the doctor

Friend: What did he say?

Man: 200 Dollars

Friend: Yeah, but what do you have

Man: I have 50 dollars

Friend: I Mean whats the problem?

Man: 150 dollars

I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried

Visited joke, A man visits the doctor

The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today

"It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans

The England Football team.....

visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.


There was a business man that used to travel a lot

But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".

Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.

Visited joke, Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm,

next time Alpaca lunch.

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

I used to find window shopping depressing.....

then I visited Amsterdam.

You can explore visited surprise visit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean visited dentist visit dad jokes. There are also visited puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


"It's a boy! " Frank exclaimed. "It's a boy!"

And he never visited Bangkok ever again.

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?

His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

I visited my friend in his flat

He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors

TIL that the radiation of the sun has caused the American Flag on the moon to be completely white

So now it looks like France visited first

I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight

And a pop up asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?

Visited joke, I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight

Sherlock was convicted for child molestation

A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson..."

I visited my new girlfriend's parents for the first time.

"I hope we can find lots of things we have in common," her father told me.

"I know we already have one thing in common."

"What's that?" He asked.

"Your daughter calls us both Daddy."

I visited Stockholm

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.


I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas...

What can I say? I like Tibet.

Have you ever visited conjunctivitis.com?

It's a site for sore eyes

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?

He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.

I bumped into the governor when I visited the capitol

I said "Pardon me" then he quickly turned around and said "That will be five thousand dollars."

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

You see?

A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having sex with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.

Wife: "How many times does a bull have sex per day?"

Manager: "4 times a day."

The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"

Then the husband asked the manager.

Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"

Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."

Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands.

Now they're just the Islands.

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

Took my GF and her friends on a tour on Africa. They hated every country we visited, except for one.

Turns out girls only like Chad.

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

I can count on both hands how many times I've visited Chernobyl.

13 times.

I recently visited China and was considering moving there...

...but there were just too many red flags.

Visited my doctor today

He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..

Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it.

The doctor gave me a Rorschach test and asked, "what do you see?"

I answered, "I see an old, sad, overworked man, tired of doing the same thing over and over, only visited when others need something from him, and never being appreciated enough".

"I appreciate your honesty", said the doctor, "but I meant, what do you see *on the picture*?

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

I visited the zoo in another town...

there was only one animal.

It was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

Me and my friend Kyle visited Berlin

When we visited the capital building, I shouted See Kyle? And pointed at the building.

I got arrested after that for no reason.

The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

- It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..

said one of the orphans.

I can count on my hands the number of times I've visited Chernobyl

13

I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

12

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

My friend visited me months after I moved and said sweet beard . I said...

Thanks, it's growing on me .

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?

The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.

why have aliens never visited our solar system?

because they saw the reviews only had 1 star

I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt...

They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.

A politician visited a village in India..

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.

I visited my wife's grave today

Bless her heart she still thinks I'm digging a pond.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews.. only 1 star

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

A politician visited a small remote rural town and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the Town Mayor. "First, we have a clinic but no doctors."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cell phone reception at all in our town.

Chuck Norris once visited Virginia

Now it's called just "ia"

My neighbor visited my house the other day

He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?

12 I said.

A few days later he came back, pretty pissed. "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"

Yeah, so did I.

\*Heard in Dutch and translated.

I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

Politicians these days.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

We have two big needs, said the village headman. First, we have a hospital but no doctor.

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?

We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back home"

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him Why did you make counterfeit money?

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying Because making real money is impossible.

England cricket team visited an orphanage in Chennai today

It is so tragic and heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope! I wish we could do something to help them!

Said 6 year old Venkatswamy after the crushing defeat of English cricket team

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him Are you the friar?

He replied No, I'm the chip monk...

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

A band visited the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone without a guide.

Everyone suffered from radiation poisoning, except the lead guitarist.

I'll always remeber the town where JFK was shot...

because it was dallast one he visited.

I visited my friend at his new house.

He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's house and returend after half an hour and he said

Son: i didnt see anyone except your daughter who stood on the patio for half an hour like me!

Why was the FBI argent happy after he visited a glory hole?

Because he received an anonymous tip.

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws.

"What are you doing??" I asked incredulously.

""Exercising my freedom. Now I'm here, I have the right to Bear arms!"

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called 'Sound of Wasps'.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn't sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I'd been playing the Bee side.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the visited visit jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working visited greenwich piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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