JokoJokes

Visit Jokes

156 visit jokes and hilarious visit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about visit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

"Visit Jokes" is your one stop shop for a good laugh and some lighthearted fun. Enjoy a variety of jokes about doctor visits, dental visits, conjugal visits, mounds visits, surprise visits, trips and more! Get ready to tickle your funny bone and find out what unexpected surprise awaits you afterward!

Funniest Visit Short Jokes

Short visit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The visit humour may include short attend jokes also.

  1. Why haven't Aliens visited our solar system yet? ... They looked at the reviews...
    Only 1 star.
  2. Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

    "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

    "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
  3. I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel
  4. When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record… Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?
  5. Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good. Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.
    (Cr
  6. King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
  7. Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
    "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
    "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
  8. A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
    "Name?"
    "Hans Kleiner"
    "Age?"
    "31"
    "Occupation?"
    "No no, just visiting"
  9. A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad. Border guard: Nationality?
    tourist: Russian.
    Border guard: Occupation?
    Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.
  10. Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

    Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.

Share These Visit Jokes With Friends




Visit One Liners

Which visit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with visit? I can suggest the ones about meet and peek.

  1. I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja. Impressive.
  2. Why don't alien visit our solar system? Terrible ratings. One star.
  3. "Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
  4. Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? They checked the reviews.. only 1 star
  5. There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.
  6. Why don't aliens visit Earth Bc we have 1 star rating...
  7. "It's a boy! " Frank exclaimed. "It's a boy!" And he never visited Bangkok ever again.
  8. I want to visit north Korea one day... before everything goes south.
  9. Justin Timberlake visits the ukraine. Where does he visit first? Crimea River
  10. Q: How's your visit in North Korea? A: Can't complain ...
  11. Have you ever visited conjunctivitis.com? It's a site for sore eyes
  12. Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las vegas? Tibet
  13. I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
  14. Why did the winter solstice visit the gym? It wanted to stay in "peak" condition.
  15. Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street? It was his only chance to see an Oscar

Doctor Visit Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor visit jokes and even better doctor visit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.
  • I told my doctor that I've broken my arm in 2 places. He suggested that I shouldn't visit these 2 places again.
  • Visited my doctor today He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..
    Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it.
  • My doctor cancelled my visit today. I was Disappointed.
  • While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.
    "Migraine" i replied.
    He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."
  • Doctor Visit After my Prostate Exam, the doctor left. When the nurse came in as she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear:
    Who was that?"
  • At the doctor "Doctor, I have suicidal thoughts what should I do?"
    "First you should pay your visit."
  • Colorblind I went to visit the doctor and he told me I was colorblind. The news came out of the purple.
  • I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf

Doctors Visit Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctors visit jokes and even better doctors visit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit. I got disappointed.
  • Dr. Visit A girl goes in for a check-up, at a local Doctor's office. During the course of the exam he gets out his stethoscope and says "Big Breaths now". She replies "Yeth, I'm only thixteen!"
  • Brad Pitt visits his doctor. "Hey Doc, you ever see me in that movie Seven with Morgurt Freeman?" "Uh do you mean Morgan?"
    "Oh yeah, sorry Doc. Morgurt Morgan".
  • At a psychiatric ward: Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he's a wolf.
    -
    Doctor: Whatever you do, don't let his grandmother visit!
  • A man visit's a Psychologist Man: Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm afraid of backstories.
    Psychologist: When did this all start?
    Man: Well- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  • A girl visits the Doctor. The Doctor says "Big Breaths", to which the girl replies "yeth and I'm only thixteen!"
  • Patient to visit Doctor A doctors nurse's assistance says to him "You have a patient who believes he is invisible." The doctor turns to her and tells her "Tell him I can't see him today."
  • A midget went to visit the doctors There was a long wait and the nurse said "you're going to have to be a little patient"
  • I quit going to the doctor because he kept insisting on drawing blood every visit.. Screw that Dr. Acula
  • I visited my eye doctor the other day for an eye test. Found out I was color blind, it was completely out of the purple. Devastated.
Visit joke, I visited my eye doctor the other day for an eye test.

Surprise Visit Jokes

Here is a list of funny surprise visit jokes and even better surprise visit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I am taking a surprise visit to my girl in Australia She doesn't know I'm going down under
  • I visited the catacombs and was surprised when it was damp enough for moss to grow I thought it would be *bone dry*

Dentist Visit Jokes

Here is a list of funny dentist visit jokes and even better dentist visit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man visits his local dentist. Dentist: Now please take a seat, this will hurt a little.
    Patient: Ok.
    Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.
  • What do you get when you visit the dentist with a dollar? Buck-teeth!
  • What time does one visit the dentist? Tooth hurty.
  • When is the best time of day to visit the dentist? 2:30
  • when is the best time to visit a dentist? two-thirty
  • A moth visits a dentist... ...the dentist asks: what are you doing here, i mean you are a moth?
    The moth answers: i really dont know but the light was on!
  • How I feel every time I visit the dentist Gosh, I love far side.
  • My dental hygienist is cute.
    Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
    Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
  • When is the best time to visit the dentist? At tooth-hurty

Conjugal Visit Jokes

Here is a list of funny conjugal visit jokes and even better conjugal visit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out... Best game of Monopoly ever!
  • What do you call a hermit who enjoys imaginary conjugal visits? Hermitian
  • I visited my boyfriend in prison the other day for a conjugal visit. It was a guilty pleasure.
  • What do they call s**... in Australia? Conjugal visits
Visit joke, What do they call s**... in Australia?

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Visit Jokes

What funny jokes about visit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean consult jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make visit pranks.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

Don't b**... Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

Visitors

Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Sunday Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

 
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
 
"What?" said her Grandpa.
 
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
 

Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

Niels Bohr (true story)

a true story (supposedly)
A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).
The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"
Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"
The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"
Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop m**.... I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?

"What...you coming empty handed?"

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your f**...."

Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.

So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won

I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"

And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel...

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

I visited my friend in his flat

He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said
"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."
All I can tell you is this.
That fly never knew what hit him.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets s**... into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."

I visited Stockholm

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

Did you hear about the m**... who went to visit the cannibals?

He gave them their first taste of Christianity.

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

So, an Indian went to the US embassy

to get a visa for a visit to his friend placed there. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose"...!
The immigration officer corrected that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' ...J is pronounced as ''H''
'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''
"7 months; from Hanuary to Huly."

Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop m**....
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

My friend with benefits asked when a good time to visit was.

I said, "Whenever you feel like coming."

A friend just returned from a visit to North Korea.

Me: How was the stay over there?
Friend: Can't complain.

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...

Me: How is school going so far?
Son: Good, I had a test.
Me: What was your test on?
Son: Paper.

Zuckerberg during his visit at a school

Kid: My dad says you spy on us.
Zuckerberg: He's not your dad.

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**....

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

Dr visits an Indian Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

Tried translating a joke from Latvian.

John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.
"Well, I saw a giraffe."
"What's a giraffe?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."
"Okay, what else?"
"Zebra."
"Zebra?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but with stripes."
"Okay, what else then?"
"I saw a hippo. "
"What's that?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Like a horse, but big and fat."
"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"
"Yes... a crocodile."
"What's a crocodile?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing like one."

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

Trump: I want to see Biden in prison!

Biden: Why does Trump think I would visit him in prison?

My daughter asked why she can't just quit school

I told her it's against the law and they'll put me in jail.
My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: I'll visit you .

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the d**....
M: Knock knock
Y: Who's there
M: Your friend the chicken!
[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

A young boy asked his dad why does Santa only visit once a year?

The dad replied because he's in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering .

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."

He slowly stepped away from the u**... and left.

Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.

With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.
Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,
"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"
The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."
The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.
He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."
The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....

THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"

Visit joke, A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

jokes about visit