The Best 68 Visi Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Visi jokes. There are some visi visit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these visi eyesight puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Visi Jokes and Puns
I visited america recently and got very into the culture
A guy walked past me and said 'Have a nice day!' and I did'nt, so I shot him.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
I was visiting my granddaughter the other day and asked to borrow a newspaper.
It's 2019, we don't buy newspapers anymore. Here's my iPad.
I'll tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.
A visit to the zoo.
A father and son were observing a tiger in its cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and his son was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," the son said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up .....…"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take to get back home?"
My visit to the patent office
I went into a patent office and told the clerk how I had an idea for a folding bottle, it's called a fottle.
She said that it was ridiculous, so I told her about my idea for a folding carton, it's called a farton.
She said that too is a dumb idea. I said well then I am not even going to tell you about my idea for a folding bucket!
Visitors
Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."
A visit to the zoo.
Mother: Did you enjoy your visit to the zoo with Daddy today?
6-year-old: Yes and so did Daddy. Especially when one of the animals came in at 20-1.
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?"
While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me...
"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."
During a visit to the mental hospital....
..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
You can explore visi broker reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean visi plain dad jokes. There are also visi puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Visiting dad on his death bed...
[Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "
*Dad struggling to talk* "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."
Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?
Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.
Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope?
Pluto.
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous.
He said it was distracting him.
I want to visit north Korea one day...
before everything goes south.
I visited America recently...
..and got really into the local culture, I was walking along one morning and guy said 'Have a nice day!' and I didn't, so I sued him. --Milton Jones
Visiting grandma (nsfw)
Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won
I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
Q: How's your visit in North Korea?
A: Can't complain ...
So I went to visit an old friend with a stutter...
He had made quite a bit of money since we had seen each other and I asked him how he did it. "Well I I go do door to do door and sel sell bibles". I asked him how he had made so much doing it and he said that he just says "yo you can b buy a bi bible or I I can re read iit to you".
I visited my friend in his flat
He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors
I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...
"This is the 21st Century". She said
"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."
All I can tell you is this.
That fly never knew what hit him.
I visited my new girlfriend's parents for the first time.
"I hope we can find lots of things we have in common," her father told me.
"I know we already have one thing in common."
"What's that?" He asked.
"Your daughter calls us both Daddy."
I visited Stockholm
At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.
Have you ever visited conjunctivitis.com?
It's a site for sore eyes
I visited the wife's grave early today...
A man walked by and said "Morning!"
I replied, "No, just walking the dog."
Doctor's visit
Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.
So I was visiting my elderly neighbor the other day and he told me something:
He said "Your generation is too dependant on technology."
I replied with "No your generation is." Then I unplugged his life support.
I was visiting a midget prison today...
As I was leaving, I saw a little person climbing over a prison wall to escape. He turned and gave me a dirty look, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
I visited a coffee shop where the password was "wedonthavewifi".
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...
Me: How is school going so far?
Son: Good, I had a test.
Me: What was your test on?
Son: Paper.
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me eggs Benedict.
So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
I visited the Pentagon yesterday.
I felt like I was in the best shape of my life.
Visited my doctor today
He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..
Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it.
I visited the zoo in another town...
there was only one animal.
It was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Why did no-one visit the restaurant on the Moon?
It had a bad atmosphere
When I was visiting Mexico, I found it strange that they would keep cheese in their first aid kits.
Turns out it was just there in queso emergency.
Dr visits an Indian Tribe
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
After visiting the US, a Tibetan monk made the mistake of meditating on his flight home.
He transcended to another plane and ended up in Albuquerque.
My vision is like 2020
It's terrible
I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.
I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.
Absolute cowards.
I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt...
They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...
The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....
I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf
I visited my wife's grave today
Bless her heart she still thinks I'm digging a pond.
I visited the National Air and Space Museum.
I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.
I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.
So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"
And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him
I asked him Are you the friar?
He replied No, I'm the chip monk...
I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.
Impressive.
I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers.
My girlfriend will love them.
A visit to my grandmother
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
I visited an art gallery.
"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."
He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.
What happens when you visit the mausoleum?
Remains to be seen
I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified.
When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.
I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.
I went to visit the wife's grave today...
She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.
Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement
Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk
He was Sidewalking along the pavement
When I visited my mate on his farm, he asked meet to help him round up 18 bullocks.
"Certainly", I said, "You have 20."
I visited the Air and Space Museum
...but there was nothing there.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
I just visited a coastal town in the south of France.
Which was Nice.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
I was visiting my boyfriend the other night when I asked him if I could have a newspaper.
I don't waste my money on newspapers. Just use my MacBook Pro."
I can tell you this: That roach never knew what hit him.
Visiting the origami art gallery was really expensive
It was pay per view
Visited a zoo today, it was terrible. It only had one dog in it.
Yeah it was a Shih Tzu.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the visi land jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working visi farton piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.