Virus Jokes

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

Because he is a bad influenza

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

Which one of these is a deadly virus?

A. Bola

B. Bola

C. Bola

D. Bola

E. Bola

A man is staring into his whiskey

The barkeep asks if something's the matter.

"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."

"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.

"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via s**... contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

What's the easiest way to get a little head?

The Zika virus.

The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

Computer virus are no joke

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware.

I WannaCry now... ;(

Wife: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Me: Well, it has to do with the original animal vectors and -
Wife: No! For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It's called Chirpies.

What's most heartbreaking about it is that it's...

untweetable.

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

John Travolta Coronavirus joke

As see on the CNN John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

What's the difference between Corona Virus and s**...?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get both.

The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

We should re-download 2020

Because it has a virus

I hope this virus gets cleared up before tick season...

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

I made a Corona virus joke the other day

People said it was tasteless.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

A new and easy test for COVID-19

Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there.

Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.

I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts Oh my GOD! and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, How many is a 'brazillion?'

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Corona virus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

Your mama is so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus just to make her wear a mask.

IF YOU SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK SAYING "CLICK HERE FOR TRUMP n**..." DON'T OPEN IT

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

What's the difference between the China Virus and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday

The virus is quarantined for two weeks

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

The way this year has gone so far

I wouldn't be surprised if the Corona virus vaccine will be available in suppository form only.

I'm starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I've come in close contact three times, but never got it

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES n**..." DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

A man went to the doctor for a routine checkup

He was generally well, just thought it was a good idea to check in. The doctor, however, immediately reached for the covid swab.

"I'm going to test you for Covid19" the Doctor said.

"But I'm well, no complaints, why would you do that?" Replied the man.

"Well..." The doctor started, his gaze narrowing. "Loss of taste is a known symptom of the virus, and you're wearing Crocs."

I'm gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

A girl I'm hitting on just caught the Corona virus

I might have a chance now, as she's lost all her taste...

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus

​

Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat them today, as I woke up with a headache and a bit disoriented this morning.

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Yo mamma so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

Viruses mutate over time, take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic, and now it's become an IQ test.

Viruses mutate over time. Take Covid, for example.

It started out as a pandemic. Now it's an IQ test.

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

Texas:

Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn't.

If You're Going to Name a Virus Variant Omicron

At least humor us by adding Persei 8 to the title

That's it! I'm buying Omicron.

I'll be d**... if I let another crypto opportunity slip away.

You think the Omicron variant is bad?

Because the next one will be 3.14 times worse.

If comic books have taught me anything it’s that something named OMICRON is going to be near impossible to defeat unless we all work together to defeat it.

New variant is called Omicron, the 15th letter of the Greek alphabet.

Futurama had Omicronians.

Matt Groening is from the future.

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

What do you call a virus with 3.6 million followers?

A social media influenza.

Sweating when filling up? Feel sick when you see prices?

You might be suffering from Car Owner Virus

A friend of mine couldn't stop singing Frank Sinatra songs.

Turns out he had Crooner virus.

You've got 10 minutes...

My wife (38F) caught the dreaded virus, so it fell to me (39M) to take all the kids to get tested.

I gave them a 10 minute warning while I got my wife a coffee. After 10 minutes (okay it was probably at least 15), I called out to the kids "if you haven't already, can you please grab your shoes and get ready to head to the car..."

I grabbed my own shoes, finished my own coffee, took it to the kitchen, and as I washed it called out "is anyone not ready yet?"

_(no response)_

(louder) **"Okay, how about this then - who _IS_ ready?"**

_my eldest son (13M):_ "um, no one's ready"

#"what!? I gave you all at least 20 minutes!! What is happening!?"

_my eldest son:_ "Well, I'm David, he's John, she's Chloe"

...

and I don't know if I've been so proud to be a dad before

How did the virus and the vaccine end their dispute?

They immunocompromised.

I just came down with the Peekaboo virus

It sent me to the ICU

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Cr