virus Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious virus puns

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

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I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

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Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

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With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

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John Travolta Coronavirus joke

As see on the CNN John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.

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I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

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My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

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[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

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So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

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"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

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What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

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The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via sexual contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

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Which one of these is a deadly virus?

A. Bola

B. Bola

C. Bola

D. Bola

E. Bola

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Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

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A man is talking to his best friend...

He confides to him: "I haven't fucked my wife all month, the doctors discovered that she is carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her".

The friend replies: "Talk louder man, I cannot hear you at all".

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Computer virus are no joke

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomwareο»Ώ.

I WannaCry now... ;(

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Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It's called Chirpies.

What's most heartbreaking about it is that it's...

untweetable.

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What's the easiest way to get a little head?

The Zika virus.

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Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

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Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

Because he is a bad influenza

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A recent study on crow deaths

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna S. Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.


When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

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A man is staring into his whiskey

The barkeep asks if something's the matter.

"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."

"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.

"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."

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A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They're calling the mass achoo sits .

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The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

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Have you read the book about the guy who can only ejaculate a virus?

It's a classic coming-a-phage story.

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Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected.

No one seems to care.

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On the subject of Macs and viruses...

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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Who do you call during a Zika virus emergency?

The SWAT team

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Hey girl, are you a hot single from my area?

Because you look like you'll give me some form of virus

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Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

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[OC] What do you do if your AI catches a virus?

You give it some Robo-tussin!

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I don't understand why Windex didn't get rid of my computer virus.

I was told it's great at disinfecting Windows!

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No one understood my joke about the virus outbreak...

I guess you had to be there to get it.

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Getting an STD is like downloading a virus...

...but getting married is like downloading ransomware.

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A virus walks into a bar...

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I don't serve viruses".
The virus turns him into the kind of bartender that does.



(Heard from Neil DeGrasse Tyson on his star talk show)

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What are the most funny Virus jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Virus? Well, here are the best Virus dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Virus pick up lines to share with friends.

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