virgin mary Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious virgin mary puns

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".

To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"

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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it!?" I grumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...

He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"

The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"

"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.

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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

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The new priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done.

The Bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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There is a little boy who wants a bike..

So he goes and asks his mom for a bike to which she replies that maybe if he prays, god will bring him a bike.

So he sits down and writes Jesus a letter .." Dear jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 1 year.."

He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees his mother's statue of Virgin Mary and suddenly feels guilty because he wont be able to avoid sin for that long. Defeated he heads back upstairs.

So he sits down and writes Jesus another letter .." Dear Jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 6 months.."

He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees the statue of Virgin Mary and feels guilty again. So, he picks her up and takes her to his room. He stuffs the statue in his toy box and begins drafting another letter.

"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike.."

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This is why priests don't drink

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10...
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body.." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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The pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day...

… somehow there's a mixup and Clinton is sent to heaven and the pope is sent to hell. The pope goes to Satan and he's like "buddy, I'm the pope, I belong up there!", Satan pulls out a huge binder and looks up the pope and apologizes. He picks up the phone, calls heaven, makes arrangements then escorts the pope up. He is then greeted by an angel who is escorting Clinton, the pope says "Sorry Bill but you weren't meant to go to heaven in the first place", Clinton shrugs it off and says "It's alright, I made good use of my time there" and keeps walking. The pope is given VIP service in heaven, he's being taken care of by angels and stuff. The head of servants asks him what he wants to do first, the pope says "I wanna meet my parents… No no, that can wait, I wanna meet Jesus, nah, that can wait too… I know! I wanna meet the Virgin Mary", and the angel replies "Sorry but you're 20 minutes too late, she's just Mary now".

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It's been discovered that Mary was not infact a virgin when Jesus was born.

It was an inaccurate conception.

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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary asks Jesus: "Son, what happend?!"

Jesus says: "Well, the woman and I sat next to each other and we talked for a bit. Then she put her hand on my arm, so I put my hand on her arm. Next she moved her hand between my legs, so I moved my hand between her legs. Right then I noticed she was missing a body part.

That's why I healed her."

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Two old friends reunite...

- Hey! I haven't seen you in a while! How are your memory problems?
- Pretty fine, actually. My doctor is helping me a lot and I barely have any issue remembering things.
- Oh, that's nice to hear. How is the name of your doctor? I'm kind of worried because I'm starting to forget things and I would like to talk to a professional.
- Sure, her name is... ehm... ehm... what is the name of this famous virgin that appears in the bible?
- Mary?
- Yes! That's it!
He turns into his wife and asks:
- Mary, what is the name of the doctor who helped me with my memory problems?

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there were two kids in a sunday school...

there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

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A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

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Why was Mary a virgin?

Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.

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A new priest....

was extremely nervous about his first sermon in front of the Bishop. An older priest gave him this advice: "take a little of the communion wine. It will relax you."

The young priest, not sure how much he might need, drank until he started to feel relaxed. He got through the service and felt pretty good about his first sermon until he was called into the Bishop's office for a talk.

"First, young man, there are ten commandments, not ten suggestions....

Secondly, we don't refer to the Virgin Mary as 'that prissy woman who married Joseph'...

And finally, it's The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit...

Not 'Big Daddy, JC and The Spook'!"

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a man visits church every Sunday and follows the word of Jesus

Father: He will go to heaven after he dies

Imam: What will he get there?

Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Jesus,Holy Spirit,Virgin Mary...

Imam: Thats the problem, Only One Virgin...

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A new priest is about to give his first sermon...

and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.

"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."

"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.

After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.

"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the virgin Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to hell' has to go."

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A man is on a blind date with a girl named Marie and things heat up a little...

He asks her, "Would you object to sex?"

Marie tells him, a little embarrassed, "That's something I've never done."

With this he says, "Really? I've never had sex with a virgin."

Marie replies, "No, silly! I never object."

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A sausage factory explodes...

And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks:

"Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. "Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "

So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. She takes it and looks at it for hours, then tastes it and smells it; finally she says:

"I have no ideea what this is, but it sure looks like the Holy Spirit!"

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Hey Virgin Mary! Stop having sex for money !

Whoa Whoa Whoa...I'm just trying to make a little prophet

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I wish I were Mary from the Bible

She gives birth to a child and her parents still believe she's a virgin

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Sex Ed teacher wanted for Blessed Virgin Mary Catholic School

No experience necessary.

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What do you call the virgin Mary in a sex dungeon?

Miracle whip.

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Tim Tebow is a lot like Mary because they're both virgins.

But at least Mary was able to produce.

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What is a male vampire's favorite drink?

A Virgin Mary.

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At the exact same moment, a priest named William Clinton and the former president William Clinton, die.

Through a obvious mix up, Bill is sent to Heaven, while William is sent to Hell. They spent a day there, until the mistake is noticed and Bill is sent down to Hell. As they meet at the elevator, they meet an exchange pleasantries.
"After a day here, I feel sorry for you my son, but I am so excited to meet all my favorite Biblical figures! Jesus, Peter and of course, the Virgin Mary!" William exclaims.
Bill kicks his feet at the dirt and says "oh she just goes by Mary now"

Who doesn't like a joke that was relevant almost 20 years ago?

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I give to you a joke I made up when I was thirteen: What is the Virgin Mary's favourite drug?

Heavenly hash.

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What do Bristol Palin and the Virgin Mary have in common?

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So, turns out the Virgin Mary was a prostitute...

Cause she had sex with God for a little prophet.

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You know why God loved Mother Mary so much?

Virgin Milf ( Ν‘Ν‘ Β° ͜ Κ– Ν‘ Β°)

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What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

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Why was Mary Jane not a virgin?

Her mother leaves.

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Say, Mary, How did you loose your virginity?

From the inside

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What are the most funny Virgin Mary jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Virgin Mary? Well, here are the best Virgin Mary dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Virgin Mary pick up lines to share with friends.

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