Violent Jokes
106 violent jokes and hilarious violent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about violent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Violent Short Jokes
Short violent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The violent humour may include short violence jokes also.
- My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution Could this be a red flag?
- Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as... "The most violent book I have ever read"
- Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
- Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- What did helen keller say when she picked up the cheese grater? That was the most violent book I've ever read...........
- What did ray charles say when they handed him a cheese grater? This is the most violent thing I've ever read.
- Did you hear about stevie wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
- I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... He said that it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
- I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent... ...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
- Harry was blind... ... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
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Violent One Liners
Which violent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with violent? I can suggest the ones about evil and revolution.
- Why is Kim Jong-un so violent? Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
- What do you call a violent, racist organization of confused Mexicans? The quequeque
- What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool
- How did the dyslexic cop subdue the violent male suspect ? He used his NUTS gun.
- Why don't Indians have food fights? Because they're naan-violent
- Deaf people are violently protesting because They don't feel their voices are being heard
- I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent! wait....
- Shooting video games don't make people violent The lag does
- What's a violent and sexist book club called? ISIS.
- How can you tell the ocean was mad? It was violently waving
- What's the most violent book Helen Keller ever read? A cheese grater
- What do you call violent mermaids? Mercenaries
- Most people think Ares was evil and violent... ...really, he was just myth-understood.
- You know pornstar are really violent people... Everything always comes to blows.
- A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery, one armed and dangerous.
Violent Crime Jokes
Here is a list of funny violent crime jokes and even better violent crime puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants. And it's been that way since 1607.
- Smart criminals Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don't pay too well.
Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.
Really smart criminals become politicians. - Why were there so many violent crime's in the Joinery and Woodcraft Store? The place is choke full of mallets.
- What do you call a dog that's violent and involved in crime? A ruffian
- If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
- If I ever commit a m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.
Charming Humor Violent Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about violent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vicious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make violent pranks.
I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...
...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
Science Joke
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the violent ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked out into the waves. He was pulled under and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked out to the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote in his journal, "Physicist and Biologist both soluble."
Gave my blind mate a cheese grater the other day...
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband?
Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
Helen keller sets down a cheese grader and says...
That was the most violent book i've ever read
There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...
...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.
Every religion has violent people...
... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS
Movies are too violent
A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent.
To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
For my cakeday, a joke for you Connecticut state residents out there.
What's the difference between Bridgeport, CT, and Gotham City?
One's a post-industrial urban hellhole ridden with violent crime, corruption, and murderous psychopaths, and the other's Gotham City!
I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.
On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.
On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.
Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas.
He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush
They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.
Dad : What was the question?
Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & p**...' plural when it covers only one
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...
Blind friend and a cheese grater
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
I went for a job interview
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.
On the plus side I made a few bucks.
Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."
Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld.
These violent delights have violent ends.
A sad day indeed
About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.
I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.
It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing f**... on the walls...
I'll never play Monopoly with him again.
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing
After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push the man backwards, the televangelist inquires Robert on the state of his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."
I read a review for this cheese grater I was buying online...
"The most violent book I've ever read" - Helen Keller
As a young boy I always wanted to join a violent gang
Just got accepted into police training, who says dreams don't come true.
Photographers are violent people.
First they frame you, then they shoot you, and then they hang you on a wall.
I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.
We're perfectly capable of violence when sober, thank you very much.
No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.
It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.
Apparently, lesbian relationships are twice as likely to be physically violent than heterosexual relationships
That's because there's twice as many instigators
What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?
Wow! That's the most violent thing I've read in a while!
Drinking tea is bad for you.
Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!
A Greek guy walks into a tavern and sees two sea monsters arguing
"What's up with them?" he asks.
"Oh, that's scylla and charybdis."
"Are they usually this angry?"
"Yeah, but they're not violent. Just don't get between them."
Did you hear about the blind man who was given a cheese grater for Christmas?
He said it was the most violent thing he's ever read.
What did the blind man say when he ran his fingers over a cheese grater?
"this is the most violent book I've ever read"
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
A blind person gets a cheese grater as a Christmas gift from a friend.
A week passes and he calls his friend and says to him : " That's one of the most violent books i've ever read".
I gave a cheese grater to a blind man for a present
He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.
A lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie...
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...
If video games make children more violent...
why do they keep losing fistfights against me?
The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.
Authorities believe it to be race-related.
Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent b**... spasms. Do you know where he is?
Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that a**....
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday...
He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.
Costco worker asked if I wanna box for my groceries
No bro, I'm just trying to pay for them, everyone's so violent these days.
Reasons to Avoid Water
* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die
A man has a wonderful Horse
It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it
Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.
Two brothers are fighting…
… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn't get as many punches his brother landed says, Step aside b**... . The elder brother hearing this gets angry and kicks him and says, How dare you call Mom a b**..., you son of a b**...!!
A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!
It was either kale or be kaled.
What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?
One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery
*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*
What do you call a scientist who investigates early h**... sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?
An anthro-apologist.
It's not that im against societal change but...
I just think violent protesting is revolting.
I gave my Blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.
He told me it was the most violent book he had ever read.
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping in the sky.
One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him for com- fort. Can't you do something? she demanded. I'm sorry, ma'am, said the reverend gently. I'm in sales, not management.
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grader for his birthday.
A week later…
He said it was the most violent book he's ever read…
